AIBU or is she?

[MrsWarleggan]

Sisters 40th in September and she wants to do something as a family. In Feb we rented a beautiful house for my dad's birthday it was lovely but as I was on SMP DH and I couldn't afford it, so our friends very kindly paid for us. She wants to do something similar. She started up a group and sent a link to a house. Messages went along the lines of... "Ooh lovely, just wait to hear from Mrs Warleggan and I will book it" no mention of cost so I clicked on it and each couple would have to pay £500. Plus £80 petrol to get there and back and a share of the shopping for the weekend. We haven't got near on £700!! I said that whilst it was beautiful we haven't got that sort of money. So we in effect have buggered up the weekend.

Together DH and I earn £32k privately renting, have 2 kids trying to buy 1st house.

Sister and BIL earn about £80k small mortgage, no kids.

Friends in Wales joining us £100k+, no kids.

Mum and dad can't afford but will go into debt for it, brother earns £30k lives at home pays no rent. They can afford it.

My sister text me last night asking me what our budget would be. I replied saying there was no budget and that whilst we would love to go, we physically cant afford it. She read the message but hasn't replied. The whole thing has really upset me. I spoke to my mum and she said she understands, but that she doesn't want to be put in the middle.

Ive been made to feel like the poor relation, and that I've ruined her birthday. I had planned to take her to her favourite restaurant which would set me back about £140, but had always planned that so have been putting money since the beginning of the year. I spent most of last night crying. It's made me feel like utter shit. She does so much for my girls and I would do anything for her, just not this.

AIBU, or is my sister and the rest of the party?

Sge expects people to pay hundreds of £s all to celebrate HER birthday?!!

Wow, that is some sense of entertainment

I do agree you do sound 'Woe is poor little me though'. Just say you can make it, and have planned xyz for her instead.

If I got a hand-wringing “I don’t know what to do 😢” message from an adult I’d roll my eyes and probably wouldn’t respond and feed the drama

This! Just call your sister. Stop catastrophising, and stop vilifying your sister. Do you feel better now that you’ve read responses from people calling her crass, a CF, selfish, spoiled, etc etc?

Nor do I believe that the first you knew about this trip was when your sister posted a link to the expensive house. Just call her and have an adult conversation.

Can't make it, not can

One thing I haven't missed with covid lockdown is constant pressure to do things that cost. Saying that £500 for a weekend would be out of the questions for us. We are more of the booking the budget hotel at the right moment to get it for £40 variety.

I think people should plan something affordable/appropriate for all that are invited or pay to host if they want something lavish.

To be honest I wouldn't spend £150 on lunch with my sister - and I wouldn't want her to spend that on me. That is not because I don't love her dearly but because that is not our financial situation and I wouldn't feel I need to be lavish to treat her. I expect £40 would be more than enough for us (I'd probably suggest we take advantage of the Mon-Wed 50% off in August offer!) She would be grateful - as would I if she did that for me.

I would use the rest to treat my kids or put into that house deposit fund. Saving all year for my sisters birthday - no.

Someone on a low income with kids saving up for a house is not in the same boat as someone with a higher income and their own home and it's unfair to pretend you are. It seems they are rich enough to want to spend a lot but not rich enough to treat you and not considerate enough to plan something with you that works for your finances.

I would just say you can't go as you are trying to save for a house deposit and that is a lot of money! You have saved to take her to lunch and you will do that. How she could accept such an expensive meal if she knew you had to save monthly for it I don't know.

She expects people to pay hundreds of £s all to celebrate HER birthday?!!

Do you hold the OP’s father in similar contempt? When they took a family trip in February, people paid for themselves. Is he entitled too? Or is he different because he is old?

She knows I had plans for her. I've tried calling her, and no answer. She's probably trying to work out if there's a way she can say "I don't think 140 quid is expensive enough for me" without looking like a cunt.

[quote MrsWarleggan]@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

Yesterday was the first time a trip was mentioned. Due to covid she planned to have a birthday party at home. Literally, the group was started yesterday. I was at work, went out for my break and there was just all these messages.[/quote]
I’m sorry but I’m struggling to believe that she waited until late July to propose a weekend away in September for a number of households, even disregarding the current Covid situation. Though I can see where it suits you to now claim that’s what happened... Oh well, I guess we have to take your word for it so:

Ok your sister’s a terrible person for having the temerity to suggest a family trip and link a place she had in mind. It was a horrible, cruel thing to do to you, the equivalent of holding a gun to your head and shaming your income and it totally warranted spending the night in tears and berating yourself for ruining everything .

Your dad shouldn't have expected it either but that's not what we're talking about on this thread before I get questioned!

Your mother will love having a nice lunch with you. She will know how hard you will have worked to get the money together for it and she will appreciate it enormously.

YANBU I hate things like this. When you want to make big plans for a special occasion you need to take into account the budget of each person you want to attend. I would never expect someone to spend 700 quid attending my birthday. Madness. Say you'd be happy to meet her for a drink before but there's no way you'll be coming to the house.

Your dad shouldn't have expected it either but that's not what we're talking about on this thread before I get questioned!

I get it, but the point is that the OP’s sister hadn’t moved away from the family practice in regard to trips away for significant birthdays.

I agree that your comment "I really want to come but I can't pay a penny towards it, so I don't know what to do now...." Sounds very much like you want them to pay.

It does come across like that, even if that wasn't your intention.

@Iamthewombat

She expects people to pay hundreds of £s all to celebrate HER birthday?!!

Do you hold the OP’s father in similar contempt? When they took a family trip in February, people paid for themselves. Is he entitled too? Or is he different because he is old?

Yes, the utter contempt I feel for the whole family is beyond words. I dont think I am going OTT if I use words such as horrified, shocked, nay even disgusted!! Just off to get my thesauras as I just dont feel I am explaining my feelings enough. Vile, I tell you, VILE!!!!

You are being a total drama llama with all the sad faces and crying. Just speak to her.

@SmileyClare

I agree that your comment "I really want to come but I can't pay a penny towards it, so I don't know what to do now...." Sounds very much like you want them to pay.

It does come across like that, even if that wasn't your intention.

Absolutely this!

I'd call and have a chat.
say you are happy to put the money you had planned to spend on the birthday (£140) towards it and stay in a smaller room if needed. Explain the travel and food costs as i think your sister is a bit oblivious to these as its not so much of an issue for her from the sounds of it.

@Oldraver

But she does have £140 but told her sister she had nothing to put towards it

If you're the hold out it's up to you to come up with a solution. The rest of the family aren't rich and still manage to go.

I love you so very very very much and I wish I could do what you wanted to do but we just can't I just don't know what to do

That’s sounds a bit guilt trippy tbh OP, like if you want me there pay for me. If I was your sister I would be pissed off with the ‘no budget’ comment, it’s like you have no interest in doing anything when you could have said £140 as you have done on here.

I have spoken to her. I said that I could use the money to take her out to pay for somewhere cheaper. She said "don't worry I'm not booking anything now, if got to get back to work"

*ive

Well, cause you were a bit of a dick OP!

You shut her down, guilt tripped her, talked about her to your mum, and IMO gave a snarky answer to a perfectly reasonable question.

I know how you feel OP. I am always the poor one in our family too and always the one saying "sorry but no".
It is very hard.

That’s sounds a bit guilt trippy tbh OP

Yep, surely a less dramatic way to put it would have been "I'm afraid I can't afford that at the moment, my budget would be £140. Should we look for cheaper accommodation, or perhaps we could do a nice meal out instead." No need for hang wringing and tears about how you just don't know what to do.

Your reply was quite rude when she simply asked what your budget was so I am not surprised she didn’t reply. Did your sister realise someone else paid for you to stay at the other house? She might have assumed if you could afford that then you could afford this. Are you wanting everyone to slag your own sister off on MN and say how unreasonable she is, is that going to make you feel better?

I know how you feel OP. I am always the poor one in our family too and always the one saying "sorry but no".

Well the issue here is that the OP didn’t say “sorry but no”, isn’t it? She went along with it, then when she saw the price sent her sister that excruciating boo hoo I don’t know what to do message (subtext: who’s paying for me this time?).