AIBU or is she?

[MrsWarleggan]

Sisters 40th in September and she wants to do something as a family. In Feb we rented a beautiful house for my dad's birthday it was lovely but as I was on SMP DH and I couldn't afford it, so our friends very kindly paid for us. She wants to do something similar. She started up a group and sent a link to a house. Messages went along the lines of... "Ooh lovely, just wait to hear from Mrs Warleggan and I will book it" no mention of cost so I clicked on it and each couple would have to pay £500. Plus £80 petrol to get there and back and a share of the shopping for the weekend. We haven't got near on £700!! I said that whilst it was beautiful we haven't got that sort of money. So we in effect have buggered up the weekend.

Together DH and I earn £32k privately renting, have 2 kids trying to buy 1st house.

Sister and BIL earn about £80k small mortgage, no kids.

Friends in Wales joining us £100k+, no kids.

Mum and dad can't afford but will go into debt for it, brother earns £30k lives at home pays no rent. They can afford it.

My sister text me last night asking me what our budget would be. I replied saying there was no budget and that whilst we would love to go, we physically cant afford it. She read the message but hasn't replied. The whole thing has really upset me. I spoke to my mum and she said she understands, but that she doesn't want to be put in the middle.

Ive been made to feel like the poor relation, and that I've ruined her birthday. I had planned to take her to her favourite restaurant which would set me back about £140, but had always planned that so have been putting money since the beginning of the year. I spent most of last night crying. It's made me feel like utter shit. She does so much for my girls and I would do anything for her, just not this.

AIBU, or is my sister and the rest of the party?

@WooleyJ123

Yabu

You do have a budget, £140 why not tell her this instead of no budget

I would be miffed that my family wouldn't be willing to spend anything celebrating my birthday, thankfully we do big trips for birthdays and it's normal and we can all afford it but you're being intentionally difficult

It's on you to come up with an alternative if you're the only one who can't stump up the money. Why not suggest you meet them for one of the days for a meal out; or see what can be done with the £140 you set aside.

Dont be such a twat

If she doesn't have £700 to spunk on someone else's birthday then she is not being difficult

£700 is a week all inclusive in Majorca, it's a lot of money for someone's birthday weekend.

Surely if a family member proposes this and you already know you have no budget whatsoever for it, you tell them? You don’t wait for them to research somewhere knowing you can’t afford to go anywhere. Clearly the family has gone away before to celebrate a significant birthday- the sister obviously thought that applied for hers too. She hasn’t done anything wrong here.

Just pick up the phone and tell her you and dh won’t be able to go away with them but you’re looking forward to doing something with her to celebrate. She really hasn’t done anything to warrant the name calling and judgement here nor the Op spending the night crying!

A situation where proper communication would make OP feel a lot better than throwing herself a pity party on MN 🙄.

I would be miffed that my family wouldn't be willing to spend anything celebrating my birthday It's not that the OP doesn't want to. It's that she can only afford 140 quid which no doubt you'd turn your nose up at. thankfully we do big trips for birthdays and it's normal and we can all afford it You can afford it. That's why it's ok and is the key difference. You're being intentionally difficult Ah yes bloody poor people being so difficult by not having as much money as you!!!

I can't believe adults sulking like bratty children purely because other people don't have as much disposable income as them. I also can't comprehend those people who believe others should get into debt and/or pay a shed load of money for their bloody birthday! Or that some posters think 140 quid isn't enough! In my family we're all very close and very loving without being materialistic. Much more likely to say "let's set a top budget of 20 quid (or whatever so no one is stretched". Quite often we all club together to get one big present.

First of all there’s no shame in being a poor relation. I was the poor relation in my family for many years. Whilst it was often disappointing that I couldn’t afford the luxuries other family members enjoyed I was never ashamed of it or embarrassed about it. It was simply a fact of life.

And I wouldn’t rush to judge your sister too quickly. She might well be disappointed that the weekend she was hoping for is out of your league -that’s fair enough. She might also feel bad that she can’t afford to treat you. Or feel guilty that she has inadvertently put you in an embarrassing position.

It sounds like you normally have a good relationship so give her the benefit of the doubt here. Contact her soon and have a talk about what you caN do to celebrate with her.

I cried because I feel as if I have ruined her birthday.

You can’t make your sister responsible for your feelings.

Why didn’t you say, “sorry, can’t afford a trip for your 40th” right at the start?

So hang on, your brother earns 30k, lives at home (with parents) and pays NO RENT, but your parents will get into debt to go? Your whole family sounds nuts regarding money.

AIBU or is my sister and the rest of the party?

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable. You've said you can't afford her suggestion. Your sister has simply replied with Ok what can you afford? It was a bit off key to reply Our budget is nothing

Your sister hasn't said you've ruined her birthday? As for the rest of the party? They're not unreasonable either. Your mum has said she understands, the other couple haven't even commented!

I think you're blowing this out of all proportion. Nothing terrible has happened here. Just talk to her

Wow we have a pretty decent family income (£100k+ pa) and I still wouldn't fork out £700+ to celebrate someone's birthday.
Apart from anything else you could stay at a lovely hotel, where someone else does the cooking and cleaning for half the price.

So why can't you talk to her? You've effectively cut down her attempt at a conversation by saying you have no budget, that's a great big full stop right there. Tell her what you've just told us about having saved for a meal out, you have nothing left.

I wouldn't fork out £700 for my 40th let alone someone else's.

Your budget is £140. She can work with that.

She does so much for my girls and I would do anything for her, just not this
This struck a cord with me. She does a lot to help you out? In that case I’d try and find some compromise. You stay somewhere locally but much cheaper or go for one evening and only pay a Travelodge one night or something. You’re adding £80 petrol and £120 food for a weekend. There are savings to be made.

If the relationship was already shit or you find she does this all the time I’d agree with everyone saying she’s being a cf. This doesn’t appear to be the case, it’s a one off for a milestone birthday.

When you are loaded, as the sister is, you don't move forward at all with any plans for expensive items without first checking out with people whether this is something they want to and would be able to do.

Bout she did. She suggested it and set up a WhatsApp group to plan it. This is when the OP should have spoken up. If everyone paid for themselves for the dad’s trip in February, albeit a friend kindly paid for the OP, a precedent was set for family birthday trips. The sister hasn’t unilaterally developed a new selfish policy for family trips: it’s what they did last time.

You don't do this publicly and you don't ever suggest such ridiculously expensive trips to people who are clearly struggling.

How do we know that the OP is ‘clearly struggling’? Why do you assume that her sister would know? I don’t know how much my sister earns, and she doesn’t know our household income.

I presume that the friends who kindly paid for the OP’s family on the trip in February weren’t so crass as to tel everybody that they did so. In whic( case, the sister might have assumed that the OP was able to afford the suggested trip. In any event, the OP should have spoken up immediately, before the sister wasted time looking for houses to accommodate the number of people she thought would be going away with her.

Also, just because the OP tells us that her parents would go into debt to afford her sister’s birthday trip, that doesn’t mean that the OP’s sister is demanding that family members go into debt to afford it.

I suspect that she has fallen foul of the ultimate crime of Mumsnet: getting a bit above yourself.

Ive been made to feel like the poor relation, and that I've ruined her birthday.

Why? Because she hasn't answered your text yet?

How would it ruin her birthday anyway if you didn't go? Are you sure you're not just feeling like this because you're a bit annoyed that it'll go ahead without you?

When you are loaded, as the sister is, you don't move forward at all with any plans for expensive items without first checking out with people whether this is something they want to and would be able to do

There’s no suggestion she did though. I don’t for one single moment believe that the sister setting up a WhatsApp group LATE JULY, planning a trip in SEPTEMBER, was the first OP knew of this. If OP knew she wasn’t going on any trip no matter what the price (remember she responded to her sister saying she had no budget for it) she should have said so when the idea was initially floated and not waited until now. In fact whether she intended it or not, the way OP has dealt with this may look like she was hoping someone else would pay.

@WorraLiberty

No, I have no issue whatsoever if they went ahead without us. I told them this but the response was "no, we want us all to be together"

My reply was "(sisters name) I had an afternoon planned for you. All of a sudden, within a couple of hours, its turned into a massive event (which I understand of course it is) but we just can't afford it. I love you so very very very much and I wish I could do what you wanted to do but we just can't I just don't know what to do 😢"

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

Yesterday was the first time a trip was mentioned. Due to covid she planned to have a birthday party at home. Literally, the group was started yesterday. I was at work, went out for my break and there was just all these messages.

She asked you what your budget was, to me your response of it have no budget' is abit arsey.

Stick with 'I've been putting money away each month to pay for our afternoon out, that's all I can afford'

She's your sister! Stop with all the dramatics and call her

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. She suggested something, you can’t afford it. Tell her you will take her out for a lovely meal. You do sound like you are a little over sensitive about this to be fair

Your said faces and woe is me attitude would piss me off, tbh.

You’re the one feeling sorry for yourself and you’re the one calling you the poor relation.

You talk about your parents getting into debt but that’s their choice. You don’t need to make your sister the villain because you can’t afford to go.

Does she know you borrowed from friends for your dad’s one? Because if not, she could well be thinking you’d no problem doing it then.

If I got a hand-wringing “I don’t know what to do 😢” message from an adult I’d roll my eyes and probably wouldn’t respond and feed the drama.

Just talk to your sister! It’s out of order to talk about her but not to her, IMO.

And your mother was right not to want to get in the middle. You shouldn’t have put her there!

*sad faces

Unfortunately your responses aren't great. Deliberately or not, they might read as a hint that they should pay for it, which I'm sure is not what you intended.
Is there scope to look at less expensive cottages? Could you try to find a nice one which is nearer £200 per family and suggest that instead- or at least pick up the phone and have a discussion about the art of the possible.

OP, please just pick up the phone and call your sister. Your message, when she asked what your budget was, conveys that you hadn't intended celebrating her Birthday. This must have been hurtful for her, especially when you had all done something similar for your df’s Birthday.

Explain that you had intended to take her out for a fancy meal and have saved up money for this. If she is a decent person (which appears to be the case) she will just be happy that you had put some thought into her Birthday. Don’t let this situation fester and ruin your relationship with her.

@Playmysong

She knows I had plans for her. I've tried calling her, and no answer.