AIBU or is she?

[MrsWarleggan]

Sisters 40th in September and she wants to do something as a family. In Feb we rented a beautiful house for my dad's birthday it was lovely but as I was on SMP DH and I couldn't afford it, so our friends very kindly paid for us. She wants to do something similar. She started up a group and sent a link to a house. Messages went along the lines of... "Ooh lovely, just wait to hear from Mrs Warleggan and I will book it" no mention of cost so I clicked on it and each couple would have to pay £500. Plus £80 petrol to get there and back and a share of the shopping for the weekend. We haven't got near on £700!! I said that whilst it was beautiful we haven't got that sort of money. So we in effect have buggered up the weekend.

Together DH and I earn £32k privately renting, have 2 kids trying to buy 1st house.

Sister and BIL earn about £80k small mortgage, no kids.

Friends in Wales joining us £100k+, no kids.

Mum and dad can't afford but will go into debt for it, brother earns £30k lives at home pays no rent. They can afford it.

My sister text me last night asking me what our budget would be. I replied saying there was no budget and that whilst we would love to go, we physically cant afford it. She read the message but hasn't replied. The whole thing has really upset me. I spoke to my mum and she said she understands, but that she doesn't want to be put in the middle.

Ive been made to feel like the poor relation, and that I've ruined her birthday. I had planned to take her to her favourite restaurant which would set me back about £140, but had always planned that so have been putting money since the beginning of the year. I spent most of last night crying. It's made me feel like utter shit. She does so much for my girls and I would do anything for her, just not this.

AIBU, or is my sister and the rest of the party?

I'm all for nipping these sorts of issues with family in the bud and not stewing over them.

There's no point getting upset over this Op or being dramatic e.g I've ruined her birthday!

Maybe text something like- Please don't get the wrong idea, I'd love to celebrate your birthday together. I was just a bit shocked when I looked at the prices!
My budget is X amount, hopefully we might find somewhere a bit cheaper so we can all get together.

It sounds as though you're close sisters. It'll be fine.

I think I'd be looking at a compromise. For example you go to wherever it is and see if you can find a cheap campsite or b and b nearby, and you can join them in the day and cook your own cheaper food. Even if you can't find anything within budget, it will at least show you were trying.

I really, really hate when people expect others to fork out hundreds to celebrate birthdays.

I've been put in a similar position and I just shut it down straight away. There was no way I was spending £450 to be stuck in a house with strangers when I didn't even celebrate my own birthday.

Fortunately, it didn't go ahead.

I have absolutely no intention of anyone paying for me...no intention at all. I said to my mum that it was too expensive but they should still go and she said "no, she wants everyone to be together"

If she already does so much for your daughters, I think you have a close relationship with her and she will be understanding. I would talk to her on the phone and tell her how much you care and want to make it special for her but would explain the reasons behind why you can't afford £700 right now and how it's not sensible to spend £700 for a cottage in a middle of a pandemic not knowing what your income will be in 3 months time. She will understand or maybe discussing alternatives as we speak.

Just call her - messages back and forth no good to resolve something like this. Tell her your budget is 140
As that’s what you’ve been saving to take her out and if she preferred you use it to go away somewhere then do that.

I would be delighted if my dd took me to MacDonald's for my birthday (she would never actually do that, btw). Just doing anything to mark the day would be enough.

When dd finishes Uni, gets a job, settles etc, if she has spare income I'd rather she used it on herself than on me. I know she'd make me a cake and what more could anyone want?

TBH it was a bit rude of you to say "there's no budget", if the max you can afford is £50 then say £50, otherwise it sounds more like you don't want to go. She's probably upset, maybe planning to talk to her DH about whether to go with friends or pay for you, just let her know you'll call tonight / tomorrow when not working. A phone call is a much better way of resolving this stuff.

I have absolutely no intention of anyone paying for me...no intention at all.

Then what’s with the crying emoji boo hoo I don't know what to do message? All you had to say - better late than never - was, sorry, we can’t stretch to it.

Why do you expect your sister to work out what you should do, because you didn’t know? If you couldn’t afford it, you should have said so straight away. You didn’t.

OP already called her sister

@MrsWarleggan

I have absolutely no intention of anyone paying for me...no intention at all. I said to my mum that it was too expensive but they should still go and she said "no, she wants everyone to be together"

Such a pity you couldn’t have said the same to your sister instead of the initial noncommittal comment followed by your no budget message and then the boohoo, woe is me, I don’t know what to dooooo 😢😢 dramatics, eh?

You seem determined to make her out to be an absolute cunt but taking away all your dramz then all that happened here is that your sister suggested a weekend away and linked to somewhere outside your budget. That doesn’t result in her and the rest of the group (who are also somehow BU per your opening post) doing anything wrong.

So a weekend property that will cost eight people 3k plus. Blimey it must be amazing. I would have said no sorry cannot afford it as well.

I can see your sisters side (a bit). It is my 40th soon and I would never ask people to pay that much to celebrate my birthday.

However I know that due to various circumstances my family can’t afford to do much, if anything, for mine which I have accepted.

But I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am disappointed that a major life milestone will pass without much of a celebration or acknowledgement.

Your sister is probably thinking similar and wants to make it work but you responding like you did and not even entering into a conversation on how this could work for everyone (even if it wasn’t what she had planned in her head) has probably made her upset

If your sister wanted everyone together badly enough she'd have been paying for the house she wants to rent for her three night birthday celebration.

We have a large group of friends and for DH's birthday last year I rented a cottage that slept 26 - I wouldn't have accepted a penny off any of them to pay for the cost, instead they all contributed to food/drink. It was the place DH loved and I fail to see why celebrating someones birthday in the way they choose should cost anyone anything. I wouldn't go into debt to celebrate someone else and wouldn't expect it of anyone for me. This is a grown woman - she can pay for her own party or just not have it. It's not hard to behave like an adult when you are an adult; she sounds like she gets pandered to.

If you're the hold out it's up to you to come up with a solution. The rest of the family aren't rich and still manage to go

Bollocks. it's attitudes like this that see people getting themselves into debt to 'keep up'.

OP's parents can't afford it either, so presumably they're going into debt rather than say no.

OP hasn't done anything wrong other than fail to just say, no, we can't afford that up front. She was trying not to hurt her sister's feelings. But those feelings shouldn't come at the expense of spending money they don't have. Sounds like the £140 for lunch was a massive stretch, too, as she's been saving up for some time to do it.

Live within your means, OP. Don't let anyone bully you beyond them. It's a recipe for financial disaster.

£700 is a shocking amount of money. But in her defence when you told her she asked what budget you had in mind. I think it was a bit harsh to say there was no budget when you have the £140 set aside. Could you not use that and go for nice meal with everyone or something?

My sister text me last night asking me what our budget would be

So why didn't you tell her what your budget is. It could be the £140. They might offer to pay the rest or even do something cheaper. Or your budget could be £0 as you have no spare money.

You should at least answer the question.

If you can't afford it then do be it, don't go. Just ignoring that sounds like you're not trying to work something out and I can understand why she's annoyed.

I am shocked that the sister would allow her parents to go into debt to be honest.

Although I don’t like milestone birthday extravaganzas, if that is what your family does so be it.
You say you are trying to buy a house, so you must have some £££ in savings and could actually pay to go. I think you just don’t want to spend the money because it is a lot for you.
Personally, her 40th only comes once, so you should just bite the bullet and go. Creating a rift and family crisis is not worth it. Money isn’t just for obtaining material goods like a house, it’s also to spend on experiences with your family.

YABU to have sent that “there is no budget” text to your sister. It’s passive aggressive and you are playing at being a much poorer relation than you actually are.

OP hasn't done anything wrong other than fail to just say, no, we can't afford that up front. She was trying not to hurt her sister's feelings

If she genuinely didn’t want to hurt her sister’s feelings, she would have calmly told her, as soon as this trip was suggested (which was not this week when the sister sent a link to the house and said, “we just need Mrs Warleggan to agree”, whatever the OP claims) that she and her family couldn’t afford it.

Instead she’s allowed her sister to plan a similar trip to the trip the family took in February for the OP’s father’s birthday, then at the last minute says she can’t afford that house.

Her sister, not unreasonably, asks what the OP can afford. The OP petulantly replies, “nothing”. She also whines to her mother that her sister is making her feel bad and making her the poor relation etc etc.

She probably also informs her mother that she’s been crying all night and that she feels that she’s ruined the sister’s birthday, all of which must of course be the sister’s fault. No wonder the OP’s mum didn’t want to get involved.

The OP follows up with that awful “I love you so much cry cry I can’t afford it cry cry I don’t know what to do waaaah” message.

Plus: “I had an afternoon planned for you and now by planning a trip away you are throwing my generosity and kindness back in my face, woe is me!”

I think that the OP’s sister has been pretty dignified under the circumstances.

I am shocked that the sister would allow her parents to go into debt to be honest.

Not this again. Other than the OP telling us that her parents would go into debt in order to go along with the sister’s plans, how do we know that (1) they actually would and (2j that the sister knows about it?

I’m not seeing the OP as a particularly reliable narrator.

I am shocked that the sister would allow her parents to go into debt to be honest.

Their parents are adults. The sister isn’t responsible for them going into debt.

Although I don’t like milestone birthday extravaganzas, if that is what your family does so be it. You say you are trying to buy a house, so you must have some £££ in savings and could actually pay to go. I think you just don’t want to spend the money because it is a lot for you

Is this a joke? You actually think OP should take money out of her family's savings for a house (and presumably emergencies) to spend on an extravagant weekend for her grown up sister because she feels entitled to one?

No one is beholden to their extended family in this manner. No one! If they can afford it, then power to them. But to say people should just suck it up and spend money they don't want to, don't have, or have saved up for something else entirely is unreasonable to the extreme.

OP is a grown up with a family of her own. No one outside of her family gets to tell her how to spend it ... or that she should come up with it to spend to make others happy. I imagine her husband might have something to say about this, too!

The OP's sister has not been dignified. Her original proposal to celebrate her birthday was not dignified: she wasn't paying for it all, she was expecting everyone else to.

I think you acted very dramatically. Why not tell her your budget and see if you both can come up with a solution? The crying and whining would do me in.