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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

439 replies

WhoWhatWheree · 25/07/2020 00:01

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

OP posts:
pregnancydiet · 25/07/2020 08:18

The birthing mother should have whoever she wishes at the birth as long as they're willing.

I know 2 people who's mums were present. First one her partner was working away and missed the birth by a couple of hours (she was 3 weeks early), second one had lost her sister the year before and believed it would mean a lot to her mum to be there.
I know one other person who wanted her mum there but the Labour was too quick.

The reason I remember these specifically is because it's probably more unusual to have your mum there than just your partner.

BillywigSting · 25/07/2020 08:23

I absolutely wanted my mum there but I was young and frightened, and she is a nurse (which ok is very different to a midwife, but clinical nonetheless), a good advocate for me, and good at getting me to wind my neck in and accept intervention if it's needed.

That being said, now I'm older and I think a bit wiser, I probably wouldn't have my mum or my dp there now if I ever had another child.

I might ask my best friend (who is more like a sister), but I'd have to really think about it and not be surprised if she said no (fertility problems, squeamish, doesn't like hospitals. I don't know if I could put her through it)

FloggingMoll · 25/07/2020 08:24

Obviously depends but I wouldn't have managed with my Mum being there. She would somehow have made it all about her.

gincakecomps · 25/07/2020 08:24

Completely up to you. My mum was there, along with my partner. Mum was more useful!

TinyMetalBirds · 25/07/2020 08:25

I voted YANBU because it is up to you. But if you had said would you want your mum there the answer is yes. I did want my mum there (as well as DP) and she was, for my first (she was looking after DS1 for my second). She was also there for my sister’s first. She is supportive, empathetic and at the time was a social worker so I thought she would be a good advocate if someone needed to get things done (at the time there was a lot of talk about shortages and having to give birth in corridors which I was scared about.) I do understand those who wouldn’t, I probably wouldn’t now because since retiring my mum has become much more fretty and anxious and I don’t think it would be kind to make her be supportive in a situation like that again. But she was wonderful at the time.

User43210 · 25/07/2020 08:28

YANBU

The only person I would want at the birth is my husband. Although, saying that I'm pretty sure in a conversation with my mum she also said there's no way she would be there so we're on the same page (unless something goes wrong, DH can't make it, would reassess in the moment but would probably rather be alone)

Dogsaresomucheasier · 25/07/2020 08:29

My mother?
No way in hell, but I’d have loved a sensible, maternal presence if I’d had such a figure in my life. I would be delighted to support my daughters in the future if I were invited, but would never assume.

moveandmove · 25/07/2020 08:29

I couldn't imagine anything worse than having had my mum at the birth.

ThisIsGonnaHurt · 25/07/2020 08:31

I don't think you can say YABU or not. Its personal preference surely.

I had my mum there because I wanted her to be there. Lots of people don't and surely its OK either way.

Isthisfinallyit · 25/07/2020 08:32

I really believe that it's up to the birthing woman who is present.

As for me personally the answer would be hypothetical since my mum has been dead for quite a long time. Ten years ago I would have said no because of feeling judged or scared that I wouldn't do as well as her (she was a very strong woman). Nowadays I'm not so sure about that but much of my reasoning to have her present would be to connect together over my pregnancy and becoming a mum. I miss that right now, don't even own a picture of her with a pregnant belly. DH never met her and has no idea who she was. I do realise that if she would have been alive I probably would have taken her for granted so still might not want her present. But if I could get her back somehow knowing what I know now then being at the moment that I become a mum myself sounds lovely.

CaptainMyCaptain · 25/07/2020 08:34

Have you had a baby? The third person in the room isn’t a support to you - the mother rarely needs that as she has the midwives and her partner - that third person is a support for your DP. Rushing to make them cups of tea and advocate while they process you getting rushed to theatre (and them being banned from coming with you), providing skin to skin with the baby while the DP rushes around like a headless chicken trying to get information about why you are being rushed to ICU / resus. Or, worst case scenario, advocating for you while DP cries as both you and your baby are rushed to resus / ICU and the medical professionals involved are giving them a 50/50 chance (or worse) of survival.
Other scenarios are available.

My Mum was with me because otherwise I would have been on my own, I had split with baby's father and didn't want him around.

DD's first birth was twins, I held the first twin while she had the second. Her Dh was at the business end and I was at her head. She wanted me there.

Her second was a home birth, She wanted me there. I think I made everyone a cup of tea afterwards but not during. Again, she wanted me there.

The next time I was needed to look after the other children so not present at the birth.

mrsjg · 25/07/2020 08:35

I love my mum to bits but no way did I want her to be at the birth of my son.

My mum loves me to bits but no way did she want to be at the birth of her grandchild.

It was something between dh and me to go through together, becoming our own little family unit.

I knew dh would be amazing and supportive throughout and when the time came and for a couple of months afterwards he took it all on as I found it difficult adapting to motherhood.

Rachie1973 · 25/07/2020 08:37

I had my mum at all 4 of mine. Whilst she’s a pain in my ass she understood childbirth in a way my DH couldn’t.

I’ve been at the delivery of 2 of my grandchildren at request of the mums. I felt privileged and exceptionally lucky.

Wolfgirrl · 25/07/2020 08:40

Obviously it is a personal choice.

But I have to admit I feel a bit sorry for husbands that have to put up with their MIL fussing around them during the most special moment of their life.

When women say they want their mum there for 'support' I dont know what they mean. They have a midwife there for the medical side of things, and hubby for the emotional. More than that and it gets a bit crowded.

Personally I think it a sign the woman is still tied to her mums apron strings and her mum is overbearing.

Casiloco · 25/07/2020 08:42

Nope - my DM would NOT ever have been asked to be there. We had an OK relationship but no thanks!

MoggyMittens23 · 25/07/2020 08:47

My dad was there when I gave birth! Wasn’t planned but he just ended up staying. HEAD END only!! DH and my sister also there.

KizzyWayfarer · 25/07/2020 08:48

I’m surprised that from this thread it seems so common. I don’t know of anyone in RL who had their mother there, and would have assumed it would be only when the parents weren’t together any more. MN is interesting.

Crunchymum · 25/07/2020 08:48

I didn't want anyone other than my DP present.

My sister had our mum there for all of her births.

There is no right or wrong, just personal choice.

ThisIsGonnaHurt · 25/07/2020 08:51

@Wolfgirrl it depends on your relationship and your DHs with your mum surely.

It was great having my mum there, her and DH took it in turns to make cups of tea etc for each other and the midwife, it meant I always had someone there. It was just really relaxed, no fussing around anyone, what a strange thing to say. Why would MILs be fussing around anyone, normal adults don't do that! My mum was there for my DH too.

Not everyone has a good relationship with their mum/MIL but don't assume that everyone's MIL is a PITA. I would have happily had my MIL there but she wouldn't have coped.

GilderoyLockdown · 25/07/2020 08:52

Have you had a baby? The third person in the room isn’t a support to you - the mother rarely needs that as she has the midwives and her partner - that third person is a support for your DP.

This bears absolutely no resemblance to my experience. I question the 'rarely' as I know plenty of women who felt they needed both.

MariposaPink · 25/07/2020 08:53

My DD's father and I were separated and I couldn't be certain that he would even attend the birth so I asked my mum.

Put it this way, if I ever give birth again and it were just she and I on the entire planet, I would give birth alone!

D4rwin · 25/07/2020 08:54

Sure if you want a heartless emotionless bitch who will criticise you for "making a fuss" in front of medical staff, probably complain about the smell, temperature etc. Confused No. I think it's probably very important for some women but I have a strong suspicion a lot of births would be easier with just a midwife to keep the mood calmer and there to be no distractions. But this scenario would also require midwives to not be in and out of the door every two minutes busy with other things. The system for birth in the UK seems to create more stress than it should or need to.

lyralalala · 25/07/2020 08:54

@Wolfgirrl

Obviously it is a personal choice.

But I have to admit I feel a bit sorry for husbands that have to put up with their MIL fussing around them during the most special moment of their life.

When women say they want their mum there for 'support' I dont know what they mean. They have a midwife there for the medical side of things, and hubby for the emotional. More than that and it gets a bit crowded.

Personally I think it a sign the woman is still tied to her mums apron strings and her mum is overbearing.

Why the need to be rude about it?

If it’s not for you then don’t do it, but why are people so keen to judge the people who do.

I had my Nana (basically my mum) there because she was much calmer than my ex and much better at helping with the emotional side as he was a very emotional person whereas I’m not. It meant that ex could go for food/drink/pee and I wasn’t left on my own. She actually kept it calm and non-fussing.

I don’t know anyone whose Mum or MIL insisted on being there. That’s different.

mangomama91 · 25/07/2020 08:55

Very personal and depends on person and situation but for me, no, I didn't want my mum there. It's a special moment between me and my husband.

2020iscancelled · 25/07/2020 08:55

Not most women don’t have their mum there (I only know of one friend who has, of all the women I know with babies)

Also - men know fuck all about what is or isn’t “normal” for women especially to do with pregnancy and birth - unless he’s a midwife?

He may think he does but luckily he has millions of women who can correct him on that Grin