To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

[WhoWhatWheree]

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

My mum was there along with my partner. She was much more useful.

Like many people have already said, it's down to who you want/who can be with you.

I only had dh at both births.
DSis had mum as my neices birth, but she came early and BIL had driven to Scotland for work for a couple of nights not expecting it to happen then.
SIL (BIL wife) did it alone as she just wanted to focus on her and baby and didn't want BIL in the room, each to their own and more power to her for doing what she wanted.

Absolutely fucking not, she didn’t help create the baby so why an earth would u want her there helping to deliver it.

Intimate time reserved for me and DH

Would I*

Not would u.

I love my mum to absolute bits, but she’s said to me before she finds it strange when women have their own mums at the birth. Her view is that this is when you focus on your ‘new’ family of 3 (you, DP, baby). Obviously if no DP on the scene then it’s different but I have to say I agree with her, for me it’d be like a DH inviting his DM along to the marriage proposal!

Depends on the people. When I gave birth I wouldn't have wanted my mother anywhere in the building. But I'm a grandma now, and was with DD and her husband when she had both of her children. I think I was helpful - I am a midwife so I knew what was going on.

There isn't any right or wrong answer to this.

Theoretical for me as I don't have DC and that's highly unlikely to change.

If I was pregnant now, no, because she's elderly and very frail, has early stage dementia and is consequently quite unpleasant as a person because it's affected her personality.

Back in the day, yes, probably. I would have had my MIL as well (no longer with us) as I got on with her fabulously and she was a very pragmatic woman. My DM used to nurse a long time ago so I'd have felt confident that between her and MIL they could have advocated for me if I needed them to.

When my sister had her first, my DP were at the hospital waiting outside the delivery room. DM said that it was really upsetting as my sister was screaming for her but the midwives wouldn't let her in, as policy at the time was only one birthing partner and my BIL was already there.

I wouldn't have wanted her there and she wouldn't have wanted to be there.

We agreed that my MiL would be with me initially if DH couldn't be, but only while he was getting to me (in the end she wasn't required!).

4 babies, it never crossed my mind.

My mum was with me through my labour & emcs, she was the one who came to theatre as my then husband didn't want to, she was the first one to hold ds, the first person who he opened his eyes for, at 16 ds is extremely close to her. My mum was the person who looked after me when I came home traumatised after becoming very poorly after my emcs & suicidal with pnd, who gave me the confidence that I could look after ds when I felt like running away.

It’s a really weird question from your husband because it presupposes that there is a right answer and that your feelings are wrong.

The only question he should be asking is “who do you want with you”. Anything else is unsupportive.

I would have my mother with my if my dh couldn’t be there, but only if my close friend wasn’t available.

I would have had my mum there but it was an elective c section so only DH allowed

I cannot think of anything worse that my mother at a birth.

My daughter and her husband are expecting their first child soon. I didn't know having your mum there was a thing (certainly wasn't 30 years ago) and I sincerely hope my daughter doesn't want me there. In fact I would have loved it if I could have been somewhere else when mine were born.

It never even crossed my mind to have my mum there. The birth is for the mum and dad.

Oh, I also think that any DH/DP who wants their MIL there ‘because he’ll be crap’ needs to seriously step up. I’m not usually one to push back against authority but I’ve read the books and done the NCT classes specifically because I know I need to be better at advocating for myself and my baby. DH, despite being similar to me, has done the same so he can represent the best for his wife and child. I also know plenty of women who are ‘awful with blood/needles’ and have to deal with it because they’re the ones giving birth, I don’t see why dads shouldn’t have to deal with the same considering they’re the ones not in pain! Sorry but if you want to have all the joy of being a dad then there are some things you need to be prepared to step up and do, even if they don’t always come naturally. I’d think pretty poorly of my DH if he wanted my mum there so that he could outsource being a support for me and our child in a time of need (in sickness and in health after all!)

My mum turned up at the hospital halfway though my first labour and suggested that DH go home for a rest and she would stay with me. In a haze of pain and pethidine I clung to DH like a limpet and whimpered ‘Make her go home’ repeatedly.

I have a very close relationship with my Mam but I didn't want her at the birth.
I just wanted my husband and he was an excellent birthing partner. I don't like a lot of faff and the midwife just let me and my husband get on with it. I didn't have to tell him what to do apart from when he could go to the loo as back rubs in the middle of a contraction were a god send! 🤣
My mam would have just been sitting in the corner if she came.
She was at the birth of my niece but that was purely by accident, she swapped places with my BIL who had been told by the midwives to pop home as it would be a long time till my niece was born and he had been on nightshift. My sis said she was a good and calming birthing partner.
Myself personally has never understood the need to people's Mothers to be at the birth when they have their husbands and partners there. As I couldn't imagine having a baby with someone who couldn't support me during birth.

Surely it's personal choice....

We planned for DH to be there but he works away and obviously it takes time to get home.

First he made it with about 5 hours to spare... Second I was so grateful to my parents as DF stayed at my house with oldest DS and DM came to the hospital and stayed by my side until DH arrived (just in time to change into scrubs to be allowed into theatre with me).

Both times she was in the hospital due to being there before DH arrived but neither time was she in for the actual birth although she would have the second time if he had been any longer.

There is no way I would have had my DM at either of my births.

Everyone is different.
I wouldn't of wanted my dm there but I do know people who had their dm as their birthing partner.
It's up to mom it's her who needs to decide who she wants there.

@Dollywilde

Oh, I also think that any DH/DP who wants their MIL there ‘because he’ll be crap’ needs to seriously step up. I’m not usually one to push back against authority but I’ve read the books and done the NCT classes specifically because I know I need to be better at advocating for myself and my baby. DH, despite being similar to me, has done the same so he can represent the best for his wife and child. I also know plenty of women who are ‘awful with blood/needles’ and have to deal with it because they’re the ones giving birth, I don’t see why dads shouldn’t have to deal with the same considering they’re the ones not in pain! Sorry but if you want to have all the joy of being a dad then there are some things you need to be prepared to step up and do, even if they don’t always come naturally. I’d think pretty poorly of my DH if he wanted my mum there so that he could outsource being a support for me and our child in a time of need (in sickness and in health after all!)

Have you had a baby? The third person in the room isn’t a support to you - the mother rarely needs that as she has the midwives and her partner - that third person is a support for your DP. Rushing to make them cups of tea and advocate while they process you getting rushed to theatre (and them being banned from coming with you), providing skin to skin with the baby while the DP rushes around like a headless chicken trying to get information about why you are being rushed to ICU / resus. Or, worst case scenario, advocating for you while DP cries as both you and your baby are rushed to resus / ICU and the medical professionals involved are giving them a 50/50 chance (or worse) of survival.

I don’t know. If my DP wasn’t on the scene then my mum would definitely be my first choice birth partner. My cousin had her sister though even though her and her mum are close. But if I had a DP around I would definitely not involve my mum, even though we’re very close, as I think the risk of the DP being sidelined is too strong - I’ve seen it so many times on One Born Every Minute and similar shows where the male partner gets sidelined because fundamentally the mother of the woman has given birth before so knows what is happening and he doesn’t. I wouldn’t want to take that risk with my DP feeling left out at such a crucial moment.

😬 I can't think of anything worse

My mum was meant to just drive me to hospital but ended up being there for the birth as it was so quick (I tried to get out the car at traffic lights to deliver 😬) Ds ended up getting stuck and I had episiotomy and forceps with no pain relief, I remember screaming and then worrying she was worrying about me. I didn’t want to grab her hand incase I hurt her. It was a horrific birth and whilst I’m glad she was there, she was definitely one more thing for me to worry about rather than a help. That said, I’m single and glad I do have someone in the picture that was there and I can reminisce about it with. I don’t think she would volunteer any time soon to do it again though!