To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

[WhoWhatWheree]

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

No.

Surely there isnt a 'should've and it depends on what makes th woman giving birth most comfortable

I wouldn’t in a million years. Mine showed up at the hospital and removed herself from the room for the actual birth. I didn’t actually want her there at all but couldn’t find a nice way of telling her to leave and I still resent her for showing up uninvited.

Throughout history women have helped women birth. I shine having your own mother there was pretty common in most cultures. I didn't want.my mother at ds' birth because she was elderly ( in her early 80s) and I thought she would find it too.difficult to deal with with. She was there for my sister though 12 years earlier .

I definitely wanted a woman there who.was not a midwife but would stay with me throughout .I wasn't bothered if DH was or not really, it was genuinely up to him . A sister would have done but for various reasons neither of my sisters could do it so I paid a birth doula..Best money I ever spent

This is so individual, I got such support from my mum and felt so much better to have her during my labours but not everyone will have that relationship. I do think it’s helpful to have 2 birthing partners. I think the burden on the supporting partners is over looked and it’s great for them ( In my case my mum, dh and for second birth my ds) to have the chance to take breaks and have support themselves, Things can drag on, who they are is deeply personal. Do you have a Level headed friend who has been there and done it who can hold your and your dh’s hand, rub bits that need rubbing and generally supply the snacks.

I think it’s worrying that your dh is telling you what to feel and who to want present. He’s way out of order and it makes me wonder whether he is controlling. I hope he’s just thoughtless and being a bit dim on this issue.

But he really needs to step up and support your feelings whatever they are, not tell you what they ‘should’ be.

I felt strongly that it was a time I wanted to share with my dh and nobody else.

Depends completely on the individual. My Dad was my birth partner - but he’s a doctor and we knew it would be likely I’d need to go into theatre and DH is very squeamish. It’s special for him that he was the first to hold his granddaughter.

I absolutely did not want my mum there.

But, I had a traumatic birth so a part of me wished she'd been there so I wouldn't have to tell her what happened. After he was born I rang her, managed to say "he's here" before bursting into tears and my phone dying.

Though, in every day situations she annoys the fuck out of me so I probably would have ended up killing her!

Out of all the women I know, one has chosen to have her mother at the birth btw.

Your mother doesn’t NEED to be there but you may want her there. It’s totally personal.

I didn't want my mum there because I was concerned that she'd 'take over', as she's a retired nurse and likes to be the hero in any situation. I asked my sister to come to be with the kids and just had DH in the room for the birth (had 3 home births, organized the same way each time).

I'm really close with my sister so I was glad to have her there to meet the baby right afterwards. I'm sure there are women who feel that way about their mum though.

I didn’t even want my dh in the room when I was in labour, never mind my mam. But I get why some people would.

Lol he's being the weird one.

The less people lurking around the better, it's not a show at seaworld it's a birth ffs.

My mum was because I wasn't with the kids father and didn't want to be alone. If we had been together I'd have wanted my partner there rather than my mum. Although my mum was infinitely more helpful. I don't think she particularly wanted to be there either.

I can’t vote because I think it’s completely personal.

Dh really wanted it to just be the 2 of us at dc1’s birth. I respected that and appreciate his viewpoint, and it was fine.

However I much preferred having my mum there for dc2’s birth and dh did too as then he got the chance for a break.

Totally depends on circumstances and what the birthing woman wants and needs. It’s not an AIBU question.

There’s no way I’d have my mum there! I had DH but if he wasn’t around I’d honestly just give birth alone with the medical staff. We are close but I’m a bit of a prude.

Why would you choose to have a child with someone who couldn't be a supportive birth partner? If they can't support a small tiny part of the process how the hell are they going to support childrearing? It's their child not my mums.... Personal I suppose but I would not have wanted my mum there.... I'm an adult with an adult partner.

I love my mum to bits but she'd drive me insane if she was there (also, I ended up having emergency c-section so she couldn't have been there). Even if my delivery was smooth, I'd still not want anyone but DH there - it is between him and me. My MIL did drop hints (even offered to 'replace' my DH to 'spare him') - luckily DH put a stop to that in 2 words.

My mum has been at 2 out of 3. My first one i was crying for her 🤣🙈 so we rang and she came. She couldn’t come to the 2nd as she was looking after our eldest. She came to the third after my hubby was taken ill during!

I'm very close to my mum but she wasn't at births or anything. The only time I would decide that would be if I didn't have OH there.

My DH has been a load of crap at all my births, he stayed asleep or buggered off to the vending machine or played about on his phone. My mum was at my first birth and she found it too stressful, even years later she was sure I was bleeding to death when I only lost less than 100mls. I'd love to have my dad with me for my next labour as he is sensible, level headed, very calm and laid back but I suspect he would feel too awkward. This time I think I will labour alone with some music or the radio for company and sod what anyone else thinks is appropriate

@Wolfgirrl I agree entirely with your post, particularly this part.

"But I have to admit I feel a bit sorry for husbands that have to put up with their MIL fussing around them during the most special moment of their life."

Yes I know that it was me giving birth, but it was our baby so why wouldn't I want to consider his views/feelings when it came to the birth and who was or wasn't there.

Totally depends on the relationship and what the woman giving birth wants I think. I do hate when men go on the "most women..." tangent.

For me, my own mum very much wanted to be nearby, not in the room but there for when baby was out. It was a godsend in the end as baby had to be rushed up to NICU whilst I needed to be taken to emergency theatre. My husband could stay with our little baby and my Mum was there to support me. But during the actual birth I wouldn't have wanted anyone else there.

I didn’t want her anywhere near the hospital.
I was hypnobirthing and wanted a very low-intervention birth (didn’t want lots of checking, didn’t want to be offered pain relief unless I asked for it etc) ... my mum wouldnt have been able to support me through that. She wouldn’t be able to advocate for me as she’s quite meek.

She’s also a flapper, and not very calming and gets weirdly embarrassed about stuff like nudity etc, so god knows what she’d have done when I stripped stark naked in transition and laboured standing bending over the bed, or when my waters broke all over the poor (newly qualified) midwife. From a standing position.

So... errr... no. Not for me.

There's no right or wrong, it's up to each woman. I'd have loved my Mum to be at my births but that doesn't mean I think it's wrong if others don't