To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

[WhoWhatWheree]

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

I had my mum there for 2 births and the support was amazing. Felt so safe and powerful.

No there is nothing weird about you not wanting your mum there. However, there is nothing weird or wrong about other women wanting their mums with them when they give birth. It comes down to personal preference.

I don't see the problem with it generally. Although I definitely didn't want my Mum there as she'd have been telling me to shush and to not swear. Saying things like "It's not that bad! I've had two you know!"

My mum was the reason I got through it. I loved having her there.

It's not really a question. Some might, others might not. What does it matter?

I am very very close to my mum, love her and tell her everything. But I never actually even considered having her there.

Saying that it was completely different for me because Dh had to drive me 1.5 hours into London, because that it where my consultant is, and a c-section was always planned.

So my mum being there wouldn't have changed anything.

But for me, I was completely alone - the father didn't want to know and I lived with my parents. They were incredibly supportive and continue to be and I'm so lucky to have them.

My Mum was accidentally at the birth of DS1. She was incredible, I loved that she was there and it was so special for her. I trust her implicitly and although I wouldn't have deliberately set out to have her there, I'm glad she was.

DS2 it was just DH and I. If it's something the mother wants that's great - everyone's relationship with their DMs are so different that there's no BU/NBU about it. There's no entitlement, it's whatever works for your family.

"Why would you choose to have a child with someone who couldn't be a supportive birth partner?"

Being a good birth partner is a very particular skill. IMO the best birth partner is a woman who has given birth herself and who will be sensitive and supportive; in some cases this could be your mum or sister, some women have a birth doula who have the advantage of experience of attending lots of births.

DH did his best to be supportive when I gave birth to DC1, he wasn't hugely helpful but how could he be when he has never attended a birth before, never given birth himself (obviously) and understandably found it stressful to see his wife in pain?!

He is still an amazing husband and father.

Of course some men are completely useless (or, worse, controlling) and don't even try to be supportive to their partners when they give birth, and that's usually indicative of a bad attitude in general which will permeate the relationship.

But "good birth partner" is not exactly top of the wish list for a life partner, otherwise we'd all be in relationships with doulas

I wouldn’t have even considered my dm being at my dcs birth. I now have 3 dgc. I found out about their birth when my dd’s FaceTimed me from the hospital, to introduce me to my dgs/dgd.

It just seems so wrong to think about being at their births. The only people, apart from the staff, who should be there to support my dds are their dhs. It is such a special/bonding time, that should just be spent between the 3 of them.

Personally no, I couldn't think of anything worse. But a lot of women value having their mum there and that is what is right for them so you are both being a bit unreasonable to think one size fits all

It is entirely a woman's choice who her birth partner will be. Plenty of single mums will have their mums as birth partners. I suspect my mum would have been a lot more useful than either of the men I had with me to be honest!

One of my daughters wanted me there and one didn’t. My DIL had her mum at the birth of our grandson. I think it is whatever makes the mum more confident and comfortable. It wouldn’t bother me either way. If my mum had been alive when I had my kids I wouldn’t have wanted her there but each to their own.

The woman should decide who she wants, who makes her feel more comfortable. I've had my mum at 2 of my births, I've had my sister at my other 2! I've just had who supports me best.

I’ve never been pregnant, but I think I would rather have my mum there than my partner, if I’m honest. I quite long for the days of Call the Midwife where fathers could come in if they wanted to but the general expectation was that they stayed outside...

Boyfriend wasn’t very happy at that suggestion though.

She’d have been horrified. She wasn’t awake for my birth, she has no experience of labour. She did say, please don’t ask me to be there, I don’t want to be part of that.

I would have been happy with only the midwives really. I’m a private person and didn’t wish for an audience.

I love my mum and we have a great relationship but I wouldn't have wanted her at my births. In fact, it wouldn't have crossed my mind.

"I’m a private person and didn’t wish for an audience."

So you think women who want a birth partner do so because they want an "audience"?

I love my mum very much and we are incredibly close but I didn't want her at the birth of any of my children.
To me it's a special time for the mum and dad. Although if you are on your own I understand it more (still wouldn't want my mum there).
I also wouldn't want to go to the birth of my grandchildren either. I think I'd hate seeing my children in pain and not being able to do anything.

I think it depends on your relationship with your mother and how your DP feels about it tbh.

It never occurred to me that I would want/need anyone other than (now X) DH at the time. If I had, or he'd not been there for any reason, I certainly wouldn't have chosen my mum as a birthing partner - she's incredibly highly strung particularly about anything health/hospital related and wouldn't have coped with a straightforward birth let alone the one I ended up having!

I'd have asked a close friend, or tbh, my even my dad!

Absolutely no way!

It sounds like your DP would like your Mother to be there? Does he want support? Does he want somebody else there so he can get a break or so he can leave if it's too much for him? Is he afraid that he won't know what to do?

I can imagine if my DD ever has children (long way off yet I hope - she's mid teens), that she might want me there.

I'd be happy to do it if I was asked but certainly wouldn't expect to be present.

My mum has two c sections and is super squeamish. No way she’d have been even slightly helpful!

You’re neither weird for wanting your mum there nor weird for not wanting her there.

I have a lovely relationship with my mum and she was an amazing support after the birth of each of my three babies and has been a lovely granny ever since. I would never have wanted her there during labour and birth though. It wouldn’t have felt right for anyone other than DH to be with me. And my mum said the same thing - she would have felt like she was intruding on a private moment between two new parents, she wanted to be granny in waiting at the end of the phone for the call that would tell her whether it was a boy or a girl. She and my dad came to visit on the day each baby was born and that was lovely and right for us.

Equally though for some people it’s important to have their mum in the delivery room and that is lovely and right for them.

What is unreasonable is thinking that one way is right and the other is wrong.

I get on well with my mum but no way would I have wanted her at my son's birth. I'd have preferred a total stranger.

My mum was at my first birth with my partner. My daughter and partner at my second birth. Each to their own. Their is no right and wrong in this situation. It is just what the mum wants.