To never want to blend families

[BlueBoar]

I’ve been with DP (living apart) for 2 years. I can feel he wants to blend our families soon - no idea if saying no would mean the end of our relationship - but I have tried this before and it was a disaster of catastrophic emotional consequences for all the children involved. I have a DS10 whose dad I left at 4 months. We moved in with my ex and his kids after 18 months when DS was 4 but it all ended in disaster 18 months later. I have made it clear to present DP that I will never put DS through that again. He has two DS, close to age in my DS, but very different in personality and my DS does not want to spend much time with them (he has loads of pals from school who have much more in common with him). I am adamant that I will not ever put DS through that again and I try to emphasise the adult relationship we have to DP. I want to see DP when no kids are around and have a solely adult connection but he likes to spend time with us and bonds with DS over things that his dad isn’t bothered about. AIBU to say to DP that we need to keep to adults only and he can only see me when I don’t have DS? And that we will never have more than this until (and maybe not even then) until after our kids have flown our nests?

Yanbu to want to protect your ds from (1) a future break up and (2) a forced "new family" with other children.

I do think, though, that your DP needs to properly understand what you see for your and his future. It would be unfair of you not to make this crystal clear, as he is also nbu to want to blend families.

He may well choose to leave and look for a new partner. But that is no reason to drag yourself and ds into something you don't want.

I don't see any harm in having days out together with the kids (theme parks etc) but then keeping the relationship side separate for when your son is at his dad's etc.

YANBU at all.
He may of course choose to end the relationship if he wants more of what he sees as commitment. You seem completely sure about your choices and that's grand.

I think you are being very sensible in recognizing that this really isn't in your ds's best interest and you are prepared to sacrifice that for him. Too many couples lose sight of this in their loved up stage and blend families that are not ready or compatible; have a look at the step parenting board.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. You get to define your own boundaries for a relationship. Regardless of what someone else would like to do with you- it’s what you want to do that is relevant.

I also think you’re right and wish more people would make this child prioritising approach to dating.

YANBU, I'm divorced and I will never enter into a blended family situation. More negatives than positives.

YANBU, but you need to tell your DP what you are thinking, I think.

I wish my parents and their respective partners had taken your approach and been less selfish than they were.

YANBU! You're putting yourself and your child first, how it should be.

@Dreamtopia I was the selfish parent when DS was little. I put us in a situation that was awful in a blended family. DP knows how I feel about my terrible decision making but I think I need to make it totally clear that he is tangential to my main objectives for the next 10 years. DS is my priority.

Having been put through the absolute wringer as a child with various attempts of the years to "blend families" I swore I would never do this to my own children. Never, ever. No regrets at all.

Issue is OP the honeymoon stage of a Relationship is 18 months to 2 years, and after that you either work or the cracks really show.
So anyone who blends a family before say 3 years is really take a huge risk.

A lot of relationships on the relationship board prove that, great for the first two years with some red flags and then boom.

I think your being extremely clever here and I wish more would follow your example.

Dating the adult doesn't mean their dc aren't important but they aren't the reason you dated this dp.

Agree. I’d never do it either, not an option.

YANBU but you need to make it very clear so you dont waste his time

Yanbu...I only wish my XH had as much consideration for our daughter as you do for your son.

I can absolutely see where you're coming from. I've not dated since leaving my marriage 4 years ago, and given the Covid situation and the fact I'm.caring for elderly relatives DD will probably be 18+ when it does happen. I'm fine with that.

If you've made this clear from the outset that you would never blend families then no.
If your "dp" doesn't have his kids full time though surely it would be a nice mix?
I personally wouldn't want to spend a decade as a non live in dp so don't expect him to stick around if you won't move the relationship forward.
Doesn't sound like you want a DP but a boyfriend, which if youve not been clear about all along yabu.

Yanbu. I must admit my interest in blending my family with another would be zero. I’d be looking for exactly what you describe OP...and adult relationship outside of my role as a mother.
I do agree that blended days out could be fun on occasion...there’s no call for being rigid.
Overall though, I agree with your approach.

Yes that’s it...I’d want a ‘boyfriend’ not a DP.

If your "dp" doesn't have his kids full time though surely it would be a nice mix?

Why would that in any way be 'surely' just because the man doesn't have his kids full-time? Far too many just assume and take it for granted the kids will blend, mix, etc.

It's entirely possible to have a long-term partnership with someone and not live with them.

Read the OP, she made it clear from the get go there would be no blending, her son does not like spending time with her man's kids.

I’ve been very clear to DP that I won’t blend - no idea if he believes me given I blended before- but my problem is that I want him to have less to do with DS than he does now as I want it to be a relationship between adults.

Well done OP. I applaud your decision tbh.

I think you are being extremely sensible.

Can you both (or one of you) move very close to the other one? This is what my partner and I do, since we both have children and having everyone in one house just wasn't the answer for us either.

We have adult time together, time with each other's children, and time alone with our own children. We do occasionally get all the children together but this is just for fun, and sometimes some of the children choose to play together too by just walking to the other house or meeting on the park.

It's a lovely arrangement but it's only possible if you can live very close by and obviously only if that's what your DP will feel happy with too.

Good luck

YANBU

Have a talk with your OH and tell him you feel he wants to blend families and you will not be going down that road again.

If you're not happy spending time with his kids and only want to see him without them... you need to me that very very clear as well.

You say he bonds with your DS.. world you prefer he never interacted with you son? Because it's not fair to allow them some sort of a relationship, where your son benefits...but you never want to see his kids.

Think good you world feel if this was reversed.

I couldn't agree more with you, I won't ever do it. Entirely sensible Op.

my problem is that I want him to have less to do with DS than he does now as I want it to be a relationship between adults

Surely you have control over how much time he spends with you and your son?