To never want to blend families

[BlueBoar]

I’ve been with DP (living apart) for 2 years. I can feel he wants to blend our families soon - no idea if saying no would mean the end of our relationship - but I have tried this before and it was a disaster of catastrophic emotional consequences for all the children involved. I have a DS10 whose dad I left at 4 months. We moved in with my ex and his kids after 18 months when DS was 4 but it all ended in disaster 18 months later. I have made it clear to present DP that I will never put DS through that again. He has two DS, close to age in my DS, but very different in personality and my DS does not want to spend much time with them (he has loads of pals from school who have much more in common with him). I am adamant that I will not ever put DS through that again and I try to emphasise the adult relationship we have to DP. I want to see DP when no kids are around and have a solely adult connection but he likes to spend time with us and bonds with DS over things that his dad isn’t bothered about. AIBU to say to DP that we need to keep to adults only and he can only see me when I don’t have DS? And that we will never have more than this until (and maybe not even then) until after our kids have flown our nests?

Because if you stick to your guns, either in this relationship or in subsequent ones, he may well end up feeling the pressure of being The One Mum Sacrificed Her Happiness For

Why does a cohabiting relationship equal happiness? And not having one equal sacrifice? The number one thing in life that makes me happiest is my DS. I literally wake up every morning and am overwhelmed with the joy of spending another day with my kid. The second thing that brings me happiness is my hobby. The number two thing I do every morning when I wake up, is work out if it's a hobby day or if not how many days it will be to my hobby day. And the best thing about my hobby is that DS and I share it. So while some days I do it alone or with friends on many other days I share it with the person I love most in the world.

So I sure as hell hope that when my DS grows up he doesn't somehow think that the fact that I prioritise him feeling completely comfortable in his home over any romantic/sexual relationship meant I sacrificed my happiness. I've never been happier in my life. I have very, very little interest in meeting anyone and absolutely no intention whatsoever in introducing a step-family to my DS. If I do have a relationship in the next decade, a boyfriend/friend with benefits who lives in another county and I see once a month would be ideal. But I don't even really want that because my life is too happy right now and I don't want to jeopardise the utter joy and satisfaction of my day to day life.

Baffled by the people who think you are unreasonable. There’s nothing unreasonable about deciding you don’t want your children to be part of a blended family.

Personally, my main worry would be for my children “inheriting” step siblings. I couldn’t be doing with any of that. Pretending that they are just as important as my own children and vice versa. I think there would always be a “them and us” feel about it if we both had children and would not not fair on any of them.

More hassle than it’s worth in my opinion.

*not be fair on any of them

Me and now DH were together apart-ners. Got together in 2003. He has 4 (now adult) kids and I have 2. We saw each other 2-3 times a week, holidayed together, sometimes with or without kids.

We got married in 2012, but got called back on honeymoon with a bc diagnoses. So I put off moving in together as I didn't want us to start off with a carer type relationship. Finally bought a place together and moved in, in 2014. And it's been a little rocky in places, adjusting to being together all the time, mainly from my side as I do like my space.

But it's fine now. His kids are grown up and managing their own lives. My eldest has his own place, whilst youngest ds (20) boomerangs from here to his brothers, back to college, but he has his own set of problems so we let him bounce in and out. I've managed to get used to sharing space as well. Working from home has brought new challenges as has shielding and recurrent illness (on my side)

As long as your partner knows then I think it's fine. If he has hope of blending in the near future then he needs putting straight.

I think that not wanting you all to live together is very sensible. Your priority is your son and I can see why you feel that it remaining just true two of you, is best for him. But I think it would be uNfair Of you to deny your son any relationship with your partner. And a bit strange if you want this relationship to be long term. How would your son feel as an adult if you were still with your partner, maybe living with him then, but he barely knew him? That would be weird.

I think if I were you I would be clear that you do not ever want to live together as one blended family, but otherwise be flexible in terms of forming relationships and spending time with with each others children.

I agree with you and waiting until DC was 17 before I even got into a relationship. DP and I both have DC and over a year later only 2 of them have even met.

No blended families here.

I think you are totally sensible about blending families and living together etc.

But I did find it odd that your DP likes spedning time with your ds and even connects with him over things his dad doesn't, but you don't want to allow this relationship?

I think for my kids good adults in their lives that aren't me are a positive thing, and your DP could be a good mentor etc for your ds. Totally different role to stepdad too.

So, I can't see why you wouldn't sometimes hang out as a family, just as one of the things you do.

YANBU and He is NBU. You both want different things, so you will have to have a talk about where your relationship is going and if it works for you both.

@MilerVino

Rather proving my point there *@ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords* Yes, on MN occasionally people refer to someone they haven't been seeing for long as a DP. At which point someone else (you in this instance) will always jump on them and say 'oh he's not your DP unless you live with him'. This has never happened to me IRL when I've referred to my partner as my partner.

No, I'm not saying you have to live with someone to be partners, but if IRL someone said my partner, and then said they see them every other weekend and they were separate to everything else in their life, I'd find it a bit odd. Anyway, in relation to the OP, I think he wants to be her partner, but she just wants him as a boyfriend and to keep the rest of her life separate from him.

I have been with my DP (yes I do call him that despite the weird debate about it) for 7 years and we still live apart for all the reasons you outline in your OP. I was never prepared to blend as it was just too risky for everyone involved.

It's worked out fine. Everyone gets along, we do blend in the sense we go on holidays and outings all together - all the dcs know one another well...but living together was a step too far.

In 3 years they will all be off to uni, and we are already planning to buy a house together then and all the dcs support that plan.

Stick to your guns

@BlueBoar You are the wisest poster I have ever seen hear. I agree 100% with your stance and think you should stick with it. You are putting the needs and feelings of your son first and any DP who wants you to do otherwise should really go kick rocks. Stay strong. You are the mother every child should have!

"Here", no "hear", FFS.

This poster is absolutely manna from heaven for the MN massive.. a forum where Step parents (especially step mothers) are routinely vilified and mummy martyrdom is considered the pinnacle of maternal aspiration.

The 'Your kid/s come first mantra' is writ large with the subtext that a woman with children is 'selfish' for wanting to find happiness in a new permanent relationship. ? No no you wicked woman .. you are NOT entitled to that ! You must don you sackcloth and sacrifice any dream of 'blending' a family BECAUSE IT NEVER WORKS AND YOU WILL DAMAGE YOUR CHILDREN.. !!

Bollocks.
Like ALL things in life, humans are different. Made with different personalities, different desires and different aspirations. They have different kids with different personalities.

The OPs situation is right for her. It doesn't sound long term that it will be right for her current partner and is based on an experience with a different man. If my DH had not wanted to marry me because of a bad experience in his previous marriage I would have been extremely sad and fucking offended. Just as I am not 'all women' her partner is not her ex partner.

To suggest or support the stance ' Hoorah I wish more women were like you' negates the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of very happy 'blended families ' in the UK today.

I am the child /step of one, (38yrs) and the mother/step parent of another. (15yrs) and would not wish for anything else. (neither would any of the 7 kids).

I became a lone parent when my DC were 3 and 5
I knew blended families wouldn’t work for me
I’ve had 2 long term relationships but only lived with one of them
Neither had children
Now DC are adults I would date someone with adult children but would probably not want to live with anyone again
I admire you OP for doing what is best for your DS but think it’s only fair to be clear to your DP as he may not want the same as you

Thanks everyone. Really interesting points made.

DP is not in any way separate to my life; he has met loads of my friends and colleagues as well as my mum and stepdad, my aunt and uncle, despite them living in two different countries! I have met his mum who lives in yet another different country, his brother in law and a couple of his pals as well as his colleagues. He should have been coming to my brother’s wedding but it got cancelled due to the pandemic and then he would have met all my friends from back home and the rest of my family.

My mum and stepdad have been together for over 20 years but my brother and I have never met our three “step-siblings” and their spouses & kids. So maybe this is why I think along these lines. I only met my dad’s partner’s son at dad’s funeral. But we were all adults when our parents split and possibly it’s distorting what I think is “normal”.

You’re all right that it would be weird to not have contact between them now - I think the hiatus caused by lockdown got me thinking it wasn’t such an extreme idea.

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel - I agree that we must not judge people by what went before; if we had no kids involved or if DP had none of his own, I think we would be planning to move in together sooner rather than later at this stage of our relationship. DP is such a good match for me and I love him immensely.

However, the kids exist and his two really struggle for whatever reason with the concept of me and my DS being around. So I just know that it would be a recipe for disaster and the last thing I want to do is traumatise those little people or put them in a situation that they don’t want to be in. DS also doesn’t really want DP around all the time, hence the “one night a week” rule. That may change as he gets older and is less interested in hanging out with me of an evening ...

If it works out, when the boys are older, we will hopefully have a good couple of decades at least to be together in the same house.

My mum and stepdad have been together for over 20 years but my brother and I have never met our three “step-siblings” and their spouses & kids.

wow.
To me that is odd.
Not that I expect you would be close, but I would think that at family party etc you would meet.
i would also think that your step dad might like to intorduce you to the people who are, after all, extremely important to him.

I would expect to have been informally around them on and off at various things for 20 years.

My dh's father remarried late (aged 70). She didn't have any kids, but she made herself part of the family, got to know my kids, and we met her neices and nephews who visited her regularly. Can't imagine not.

But maybe it depends on how you interact with you family anyway, if you live miles away and only visit quite formaly, maybe it wouldn't happen

@steppemum yes it probably is odd but none of us live in the same country as each other or our parents and we were in our 20s and 30s when they got together. I visit my mum and stepdad once a year and my mum comes to see me and DS a couple of times a year on her own as Sd is too poorly to travel. The step siblings visit too but clearly at different times to me and they don’t stay with mum and stepdad, they stay with their own mum.

We don’t have a big family so there are no family gatherings. When my dad died, it was just me and my bro and loads of his friends and former colleagues, no other family. I’d never met his partner of about 15 years or her son because they didn’t live together and when I visited my dad, she was never there.

Hi OP,

Just want to join the chorus of support for you - you have boundaries, you have been clear. DP can either accept them or not but he cannot say he has been duped - you never once indicted you would change your mind.

I applaud your common sense and also you are protecting your DS - why would you want to merge finances with someone who has 2DC who do not like your DC? Setting your son up for additional heartache down the line and stress over inheritance.

The number of women who post on here who live with men who hate their DC or step-siblings who hate their DC and the only answer they want is - of course your DC do not mind living in the daily hell you have created with a horrible step parent / step sibling. Blended families is not good for the children and caring parents put their children first.

Also, why can't you have a relationship while living apart - many people all over the world manage this successfully - why do we all insist that people need to progress to moving in together? You have the best of all worlds now OP, so well done and stick to your guns.

Perfectly reasonable and indeed I work with someone who has had a relationship of about 6 or 7 years, does not live with their DP (who has children) and they do things together without the children.

Just be upfront about it and be prepared for the possibility of the relationship ending.

Thanks, Annas. I wouldn’t say they don’t like DS or vice versus, more that they all have very different interests and personalities, which is absolutely great and what makes the world go round etc etc. I think they struggle with sharing their dad as they have only been seeing him with proper contact time for about a year and a half, before that it was very sporadic. I want them to focus on their relationship, to bond properly and not have the stress of wondering whether I’m going to take their dad to live in my house and be like a little pretend family that sort of excludes them. They really need to spend a lot more time together just the three of them for the effects of the previous years to be forgotten.

*versa! Gah!

I’m really pleased to read this. I’ve been a single parent for a few years and just getting out and dating now. I’ve worked hard to be independent and financially secure, and I’m really afraid of doing anything to damage that, so I feel exactly the same as you OP. It feels quite different to what some of my single friends are doing, so it’s reassuring to hear it is working for others. Good luck OP, stick to your beliefs!!!

I'd never do it. I've been single for 12 years and my children are in their teens now. We are happy and I genuinely believe my children would not be as emotionally intelligent and well adjusted as they are if I had forced them to live with some unrelated bloke. I know people don't like to hear this but I have never known a blended family work well unless there was only one child to begin with and no more siblings are added. I think it's very unfair to foist that onto children and I know mine would have struggled. I genuinely don't understand how people can justify it to themselves. I'm sure there are a few families where it works well but I just don't believe most children would choose this and I do not see the sense of moving unrelated adults in to live with your children just because you fancy that adult.

Annasgirl Blended families is not good for the children and caring parents put their children first.

Again, for you, this may be right. However , for the thousands of Happy blended families out there, it is extremely insulting.

Many many blended families are not only happy - but massively grateful for the huge difference a new partnership/marriage has bought to their lives. One of my closest friends lived a horrific life of physical violence towards both her and her children from her alcoholic husband and their biological father. As well as grinding poverty.

Her new blended family has taught the children what a real father is like and modelled the essential ingredients of a loving, kind and dependable spouse for the children to learn what a real partnership should be. MN is a fishbowl where difficult relationships and family setups are magnified. Please don't assume that just because the people on here are miserable in new relationships/blended families that, that is the majority. You will only hear the negatives on here as it's a parenting advice board.

You are not going to get a thousand posts from parents saying 'help, my blended family is happy and settled' are you ?

My youngest child is 18. Of her immediate 8 closest friends, 6 are 'blended' one is single and the other still married . All 8 appear very happy with their home lives.

I'm sorry if that doesn't fit the MN narrative but for me, it's my real life experience.