To never want to blend families

[BlueBoar]

I’ve been with DP (living apart) for 2 years. I can feel he wants to blend our families soon - no idea if saying no would mean the end of our relationship - but I have tried this before and it was a disaster of catastrophic emotional consequences for all the children involved. I have a DS10 whose dad I left at 4 months. We moved in with my ex and his kids after 18 months when DS was 4 but it all ended in disaster 18 months later. I have made it clear to present DP that I will never put DS through that again. He has two DS, close to age in my DS, but very different in personality and my DS does not want to spend much time with them (he has loads of pals from school who have much more in common with him). I am adamant that I will not ever put DS through that again and I try to emphasise the adult relationship we have to DP. I want to see DP when no kids are around and have a solely adult connection but he likes to spend time with us and bonds with DS over things that his dad isn’t bothered about. AIBU to say to DP that we need to keep to adults only and he can only see me when I don’t have DS? And that we will never have more than this until (and maybe not even then) until after our kids have flown our nests?

I think you’re decision is admirable - there are so many posts on here about dad, lonely women putting their latest man ahead of their child’s best interests.

However, you need to make it clear this is your position and you’re not shifting (although it sounds like you already have). It’s up to him if he accepts it - and not all men will/would. It may be a case of wanting different things.

Sounds very sensible to me. I know some amazing blended families, but I know more where it has been really tricky and it’s not something I would choose for me and my kids. Hope he understands.

Just tell him. Make it clear but be prepared that he might end the relationship

It feels a bit as though he is using his great relationship with DS to manufacture something more which I don’t want.

I think you have made a very sensible and clever decision.

However, based on your posts it sounds like your DP is angling for a different arrangement. So your choice may mean an end to the relationship.

@category12 I have my son 80% of the time and DP has his kids 40% so it has been hard to find time when we are alone. But it does occur from time to time.

Do you feel like he is being manipulative in getting close to your son?

Well done for putting your son first, not many do that. I wouldn't either. I would never see any other child as equal to mine.

@Rainbow12e, what a silly comment. You might as well say Mn ‘hates happy marriages’ when in fact, as with any issue on here, it’s simply the problematic ones that are posted about. The same as no one posts about their easy potty training, trouble-free friendships, or perfectly good health.

I think it's a shame to quash the relationship between him and your DS if that's genuinely good. But you do have to make it clear that it won't be a live in stepdad relationship, ever.

I have a boyfriend and I worry that he wants more than I am prepared to do. My kids are 9 and 11, his are 13 and 16. He spends a lot of time with his children (pretty much 50/50), and he supports them with substantial maintenance as well. I respect this enormously (could never fancy a deadbeat dad) but I also feel that if / when this conversation comes up, he doesn't actually have a leg to stand on because materially, he is pretty much committed / over committed in the demands of his family as is. So actually, the only space he has in his life is for a relationship with an adult, between individuals, with no talk of entwining homes or finances or anything like that. and I am fine with that. I am not sure he sees it that way though. We'll see.

If you don't want to blend with your DP - for all your good reasons - fine, I totally agree that's best. If you think he is angling for more AND trying to do so through your son - then I start wondering whether he is actually a decent chap. Many (most?) men see women in instrumental terms, as how they can be of use. he's lining you up for his own purposes. Ugh. That suspicion in itself would make me run a mile.

YANBU. I'm a single mum and have no intention of ever ever blending families or having a serious relationship whilst my kids are young. Enjoying men - yes, but not anything more serious than a fling.

@SenselessUbiquity no, not at all (I work in child safeguarding) but maybe just to garner more of a meaningful relationship with me.

Yanbu at all. I adore my dp (he doesn’t have any kids) but his father is elderly and lives with him, and I have my own home with Dd.

Dp is buying his own house at the end of the year, and we don’t plan to live together any time soon. It just works for us, and dd will always know this is her home first and foremost.

You are doing the best thing for your child, and if your Dp doesn’t get that then he’s not for you. Blending families is usually for the parents benefit anyway, I have never seen a time (unless with vvv tiny children) where it’s best for the kids involved. Don’t second guess yourself!

Very sensible if you ask me.
More parents would do well to think this way.

Well done OP. This should be the norm and sadly, on mn at least, you are the exception.

I will get flamed for this but blended families do not work. In my opinion. Before I am rushed with loads of tales of how it is all going swell.

It is selfish to the existing children and puts adult needs before their own. If I was to divorce DH I would either remain single or have a very adult relationship, like the one you describe, without the children being involved. YANBU

You are definitely doing the right thing by not wanting to blend families. No arguments from me there. However I don't see why that means your DP can't bond with your DS at all. They don't have to have a father son relationship, but surely it's ok for him to know your partner and occasionally spend time with him?

Obviously it is entirely up to you. If you don't want this then perhaps you need to have another chat with your DP. It may well be that he leaves because of it but if that's the case then you obviously want very different things so it wouldn't have worked anyway.

Just be careful about this. Your child is almost a teenager. Soon he'll be old enough that he'll be doing his own thing a lot of the time and probably won't have much interest in family stuff. You and your DP will probably have loads more alone time at that point so it might be a bit hasty to throw this all away now.

Actually no, I am doing DP a disservice as he is genuinely interested in what DS is doing

Sorry BlueBoar, I didn't remotely mean that he was nefariously interested in your child - more that he was cultivating a demonstrably "great" relationship with him so that he has an argument to move in with your family.

If I had been expected to move in with a bunch of other kids at the age of 10 I would have been beyond miserable. really seriously in trouble miserable.

And as an EYFS teacher, I should be more interested in DP’s kids than I am. It’s a two way thing, much as I want it to be just an adult relationship

I think your stance is great. I'm exactly the same. My DP and I both have our respective DC half of the time. We do somewhat blend: have hangouts, sleepovers and days out and the occasional holiday but don't, and won't, live together. It means we get plenty of time with our DC as the single parents that we are, and also get lots of just me and DP alone time. We also do a chop and change: sometimes I hang out with just him and his, and him with just me and mine, sometimes I have all the DC on my own and we do something fun for an afternoon and vice versa! Luckily the DC get on really well, but I do attribute some of that to our careful handling, and sensible approach to not smooshing them all together against their will and upsetting their worlds just because the adults in their lives are romantically involved. It's not conventional (maybe it is, judging by this thread!) but it works for us and everyone is happy. Plus I really really like my own space!

[quote BlueBoar]@category12 I have my son 80% of the time and DP has his kids 40% so it has been hard to find time when we are alone. But it does occur from time to time.[/quote]
If I wanted a relationship, we both had kids the times you guys do and he said we can now only meet without the kids, I'd end it. That's dating. If you can only fit him int ltbe 20% of your time when he's also child free, not at work and not asleep, what does that leave?

Don't get me wrong, Yanbu. You can set whatever rules you want
You're protecting your child and you know what you want. But it's saying woooh let's take a big step back, let's just date or hook up for a booty call. And for me, thst retraction of commitment and feelings wouldn't be OK.

@frenchonion that sounds ideal - what have you discussed about the future and how old are the DC?