To never want to blend families

[BlueBoar]

I’ve been with DP (living apart) for 2 years. I can feel he wants to blend our families soon - no idea if saying no would mean the end of our relationship - but I have tried this before and it was a disaster of catastrophic emotional consequences for all the children involved. I have a DS10 whose dad I left at 4 months. We moved in with my ex and his kids after 18 months when DS was 4 but it all ended in disaster 18 months later. I have made it clear to present DP that I will never put DS through that again. He has two DS, close to age in my DS, but very different in personality and my DS does not want to spend much time with them (he has loads of pals from school who have much more in common with him). I am adamant that I will not ever put DS through that again and I try to emphasise the adult relationship we have to DP. I want to see DP when no kids are around and have a solely adult connection but he likes to spend time with us and bonds with DS over things that his dad isn’t bothered about. AIBU to say to DP that we need to keep to adults only and he can only see me when I don’t have DS? And that we will never have more than this until (and maybe not even then) until after our kids have flown our nests?

OK the issue with his kids is a, separate one. It sounds like they are not ready to accept dad's girlfriend and he seems unaware or unwilling to see that. All the more reason to stick to your guns. Its fine for your dp to develop a nice relationship with your son. If it ends, that will be far less damaging than if he'd gained 'step dad' status and moved in. To the pp who said the relationship wasnt a 'proper' one, I think you should be more open to the idea that there is more than one way to live and a relationship doesn't have to follow a preset course. I think that expectation is why so many people end up married with kids before they really think about if that's what they want. My dp and I are together only and purely because we want to be. If either of us change our minds, there are no complications or obligations to stop us ending things.

I think you're absolutely right to put your son's needs first, and to prioritise the relationships of the kids in all of this.

However - due to his young age, I do wonder if you're doing him a slight disservice. Because if you stick to your guns, either in this relationship or in subsequent ones, he may well end up feeling the pressure of being The One Mum Sacrificed Her Happiness For - whether you intend it or not.

He may benefit from having some more domestic influences from your DP (not the sons, I agree that blending the kids seems too much).

It doesn't have to be now, and I agree with the general principle, but putting him first could be a lot of unintentional pressure on him.

@BlueBoar

For clarity, we have spent every other weekend and one night in the week together for the last 2 years. Sometimes we have done activities with the kids (very brief like just going out for fish n chips) but those have proven to be unsuccessful as his kids are jealous of anyone else talking to him and as I said, have nothing in common with my own DS (understandable, they were not allowed to see him much for the two years before we met). So I have backed away from putting them through that and the pandemic has enabled it. The pandemic has also meant that DP and I have only just recently started spending time together - I hadn’t been to his place since early March until last week - and it’s given me time to realise that we have managed to sustain and maintain our relationship at a distance for three and a half months, so maybe this should be the way of things in the future. I know DS thinks DP is great but it feels really unfair not to have a relationship with his kids when he has a connection with mine. Maybe we can potter along as we are, I shall ask him if he finds it unbalanced. He “jokingly” mentioned buying a house together for all the kids a couple of weeks ago and I think that rang a little bell in my head - he knows I won’t live with another man as long as DS is at home. This is DS and my house, nothing to do with any previous relationship and we are extremely happy here in our routine.

It doesn’t sound like he does know that you’ll never live with him. Or at least he’s hoping you’ll change your mind.

I think you need to be crystal clear that you will not under any circumstances live with him until DS has move out and maybe not even then as you’ve said on here.

It’s not fair to let someone live in false hope.

Why do you want him to have less to do with DS if he is making an effort and bonding?

I can completely understand not wanting to move in together and force the kids on each other but surely there is a middle ground if he gets on with DS.

due to his young age, I do wonder if you're doing him a slight disservice. Because if you stick to your guns, either in this relationship or in subsequent ones, he may well end up feeling the pressure of being The One Mum Sacrificed Her Happiness For
Not if he doesn't know the reason. This isn't sexism either if his future family have 2 boys of similar ages and different interests it would be a definite no from me.
When the boys are older they might gel.
Enjoy some blended family days out too to help them bond.
All may be ready in a few years.

I have been clear from very early on (maybe even our first date!) that I will never ever get married and will not live with anyone at least until DS has gone to uni (if he does). I have said it many times since then. I have even asked him straight up if he is going along with my opinion in order to have a relationship even if it’s not really what he wants (he wanted to settle down and blend with the woman he was seeing before we met, and I sort of had an inkling that he wanted to recreate a family in the early weeks of our relationship as his marriage ending was not his decision). But he has said no, he sees that this is the best way, that the kids come first. I really genuinely do not want to make his kids feel uneasy or weird (was very obvious the first time we spent time together - even thought my DS was there - that they found it difficult, god knows how they coped with the previous person and her childten being immediately wrapped together with them, I suspect their reaction to us will have been as a result of that happening to them ) so limit to very short times together and only with my DS, never just me, DP and his kids. DS has requested the one night a week (it’s one night a fortnight for him) because that’s how often he is happy to see DP.

Do whatever you want OP. I think as long as all involved are happy It's fine. There's no need for some posters to essentially say blended families are selfish and wrong. I'm so happy my parents blended when they split. I now have amazing relationships with my step siblings. Plus one of my stepsisters now has my dad (who is incredible) supporting her and guiding her when she's never had a father figure before. So it would be nice if certain posters didn't sneer at others for making different choices.

I’m sorry to come in and say the opposite🙈

My dh and l moved in with all our dc 4 years after meeting. It was hard at first.

BUT, our children bonded. My ds says it was the best time of his life when they were all younger. And all 3 are now in effect brothers. All adults, but chat, message, visit all the time. It was the best thing to happen to my ds.

And we then had dd who was thrown in the mix. She loves them all and they love her.

I would say wait a long time, but don’t say never.

It was chaos at tines, but it was absolutely in the end, the best choice.

Like you OP I will never blend families again. I'd Rather be alone and probably will be

I’m sorry, but I do say never. I have tried it and it was awful. The emotional strain it put on everyone involved is not something I want to risk experiencing again and the children of my ex were far more keen to spend time with me and DS than present DP’s are. I do not want to move house or uproot what I have worked hard to create if our relationship can work long term in the way it has been. I have no intention of blending, ever. It just feels as though the “jokey” comment about buying a - beautiful, perfect for all of us if that is what we wanted - house together felt on reflection to have actually been less of a joke than it seemed at the time. Plus I know how he felt about his former partner and how fast that all moved in terms of trying to get the kids blended.

I have never been married (refusal to accept that ended two relationships in my 20s) and I mean what I say about that and about not moving DS in with DP and his kids. He is looking at buying a bigger place for them soon and I think that is where my feeling about him wanting it to be a place big enough for all of us is coming from. But there are so many reasons I won’t and if it means the end of what I think is a perfectly happy and well matched relationship, then that’s what it will be. I don’t want that to happen and I have been super honest about what I am looking for, right from the start. If DP has been pretending to feel the same in the hope I will change my mind, that’s not something I can help.

Every respect OP, every respect.
You know your mind and that’s a very good thing.

I don't blame you OP. If I split with my DH, I'd only want a boyfriend who had nothing to do with my children, and I'd never let a new man move into my children's home.

I can only imagine how hard blending must be; I've know my DSS since he was 4 (my DC are also DP's, I had no children before I met him), and being a DSM is difficult enough.

It won't work out. Fair enough if you're keeping things casual but how can you be in a proper relationship if you're keeping the main part of your life which is your child away from your partner?

You are doing the right thing for you and your ds, 2 years isn't all that long especially with children in the mix. It doesn't sound like your dp's children would take to it at all well, so in a way you are also thinking in their best interests.

If the relationship lasts a couple more years your dp's children might cool down a bit and you might be more comfortable having mixed outings etc but that would be the limit. Rose tinted specs about nuclear families doesn't help anyone.

I am similar to you op, not currently in a relationship but my mindset is that I won't live with a partner until dd has grown up and even then I will probably be reluctant to share my personal space. There is a stability in your current situation so why rock the boat when it isn't needed.

I fully respect and admire your position, your child comes first always.

crystal it has worked fine for two years. We both work full time, he often travels overseas for work and has his kids every other weekend and one night in the week. My DS is with me 5 nights a week so if the two he is away coincide with DP not having his kids, we spend the whole time together. Plus DP comes over one night a week - he sees DS once a fortnight for about an hour over dinner before DS goes up to bath/bed. We speak most days, we used to go away for weekends pre-pandemic, if the kids are with their other parents in school holidays, we are together when DP is not working. We are as close as we can be given we live 7 miles apart and have busy lives.. We have very occasional get togethers with the kids and it was perfect. But as we have not seen him for months - DS has not seen him since early March - it did strike me that maybe we could shift to it being just us and not the kids - but I do take all the points about that not being fair on DS who really thinks DP is great. And we can keep on doing the time with his kids in very short, neutral location bursts so they can hopefully trust that we are not going to take their dad away or want to come between them and him.

I think DP is on the same page when it comes to our long term future and hopefully we can keep plodding along as we are. I doubt he would admit to wanting to blend even if I raised it so probably best to just casually reiterate that I’m super happy with our set up as it is.

It’s so nice to see a post where the people who are parents are prioritising the various kids, instead of their sex life. I despair at the number of people forcing their current shag into their kids home and lives, there’s never a benefit to the kids involved, it’s solely for the adults. Wish my mother hadn’t inflicted her various boyfriends and current dreadful husband on my childhood, at best it was cringey and uncomfortable, and lifelong damage to me at worst.

I'm really sorry you went through that. However, for many people this is about more than just their 'sex lives' or their 'current shag'. My OH has his daughter with him full time. We don't live together but the three of us spend a lot of time together. It's about far more than sex. My OH and I love each other and support each other - we make each other's lives better. I also get on very well with his DD but we did make introductions very carefully and slowly, and only once it was clear that we were serious about each other.

In terms of blending further, I think it highly unlikely that we will live together whilst his daughter is at home. However, we also have to make it clear that this is our decision, because I do not want her to feel that somehow she is responsible for this.

OP, I think you can only keep doing what you're doing. Make it clear to your DP that you have no plans to live with him. The only thing I might give way on is a more limited blending where the three of you spend time together, but then I'm biased because it works for me, my OH and his daughter.

YANBU to tell him that your relationship will not move on from where it is now and he is free to accept that or end things.
I'm not sure why you call him DP though, surely he is your boyfriend, not partner, and that is the way you want to keep it.

"I think DP is on the same page when it comes to our long term future and hopefully we can keep plodding along as we are"

He's clearly not on the same page, because he wants to move the relationship on by moving in together.

I'd say from all you've written here that you're leading him on when he has no hope. That's cruel.

I'm not sure why you call him DP though, surely he is your boyfriend, not partner, and that is the way you want to keep it.

My OH and I refer to each other as 'partners'. I know in MN terminology this is 'wrong' but out in the real world, I can't bring myself to refer to a 50 year old man as my 'boyfriend'. And besides, we are partners in life, so that's what we call each other.

Hahaha @SoddingWeddings. I’m not sure you have your reading glasses on. I have been clear from the very start of our relationship that I would never move in with him and his kids. That he would never move in with me and DS and that I would NEVER get married. I have never indicated that our relationship would move past what it is at any point.

I even asked him if he was going along with it in the hope I might change my mind - he said no, he realises that putting the kids first is the most important thing now and not recreating a family.

As a very erudite poster above said, partners don’t have to live in the same house to support one another. We have been through a lot together this last couple of years as individuals and each other has been rock solid for the person affected. I am committed to him, I don’t want to be with anyone else and I hope neither does he. But this is all I can offer for the next 8 years at least.

It works for others no doubt. You know your set up, you're listening to your thoughts I completely agree with your reasons.

@MilerVino

I'm not sure why you call him DP though, surely he is your boyfriend, not partner, and that is the way you want to keep it.

My OH and I refer to each other as 'partners'. I know in MN terminology this is 'wrong' but out in the real world, I can't bring myself to refer to a 50 year old man as my 'boyfriend'. And besides, we are partners in life, so that's what we call each other.

On the contrary, on MN some people seem to use partner for anyone they are seeing whatever the level of commitment or length of relationship; if you've been someone a couple of times a week for a few months he's not your partner. A life partner is someone you share your life with, but the OP doesn't want to do that.

Rather proving my point there @ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords
Yes, on MN occasionally people refer to someone they haven't been seeing for long as a DP. At which point someone else (you in this instance) will always jump on them and say 'oh he's not your DP unless you live with him'. This has never happened to me IRL when I've referred to my partner as my partner.