To never want to blend families

[BlueBoar]

I’ve been with DP (living apart) for 2 years. I can feel he wants to blend our families soon - no idea if saying no would mean the end of our relationship - but I have tried this before and it was a disaster of catastrophic emotional consequences for all the children involved. I have a DS10 whose dad I left at 4 months. We moved in with my ex and his kids after 18 months when DS was 4 but it all ended in disaster 18 months later. I have made it clear to present DP that I will never put DS through that again. He has two DS, close to age in my DS, but very different in personality and my DS does not want to spend much time with them (he has loads of pals from school who have much more in common with him). I am adamant that I will not ever put DS through that again and I try to emphasise the adult relationship we have to DP. I want to see DP when no kids are around and have a solely adult connection but he likes to spend time with us and bonds with DS over things that his dad isn’t bothered about. AIBU to say to DP that we need to keep to adults only and he can only see me when I don’t have DS? And that we will never have more than this until (and maybe not even then) until after our kids have flown our nests?

Most teachers I know have very little interest in children who aren't their own in an informal environment. Probably overload or something.

Trust your instinct in the relationship. You're not interested in him being part of all of your life, ie your life with your child, your family. That's fine for a short to mid term relationship and it's no failing if you're not prepared to commit to more.

Yanbu but you will have a brigade of defensive parents in here insisting yabu because they don't want to accept that their decision to blend was unwise.

It rarely works, but parents who measure their self worth on their position in a couple/two adult household will tell you it is all wine and roses / "worth it" etc

I've been with dp for 4 years and neither of us want to blend. His DS is considerably older than my kids anyway and he has no interest in being a step father. I don't really see it as a sacrifice. My marriage ended abruptly and traumatically, (affair, ow) and I will never put myself or the kids in a situation again where life substantially changes due to a relationship status. My time with dp is mostly just us, doing nice, child free things. Some might argue its not a 'warts and all' relationship but I think a relationship can be whatever you want it to be so long as both parties are on the same page. OP I think that's your problem. Your approach is absolutely fine but you might have to accept that he wants more, which is also fine, but not compatible.

Having watched Rylan's new 'gameshow', It Pays To Behave, earlier, I would never do it either.

You’re being sensible not to blend, but it seems a shame to completely stop your DS and DP enjoying each other’s company if they genuinely share interests. And the odd day out with all the kids is not the same as blending either.

What about holidays? Are you happy to never go on holiday with your DP?

@SleepingStandingUp we have more time alone than 20% as the other parent times overlap. It will be a one night a fortnight less. All I want is for DS to know he won’t be disrupted again and for DP to know i am committed to him - in my particular way.

@rvby, except no one on the thread has said this at all.

YANBU.

I’m a single parent and will not be moving in with any man for as long as DD is living at home.

I’m hoping a relationship is possible without having to take that step.

My priority is DD’s safety and happiness and I can’t risk that by introducing a constant figure in her life who could up and leave at any point.

"let's just date or hook up for a booty call"

this dismissive attitude of relationships that don't involve living in - treating them as sordid - is a huge problem for children of single parents. Huge.

When you deny single parents love and dignity without cohabitation, the knock-on effect on their children is very serious, sometimes fatal

@SenselessUbiquity hear, hear the misogyny in their comments..

[quote BlueBoar]@SleepingStandingUp we have more time alone than 20% as the other parent times overlap. It will be a one night a fortnight less. All I want is for DS to know he won’t be disrupted again and for DP to know i am committed to him - in my particular way.[/quote]
I said 20% as you said you had your son 80%. I just think you're basically telling m you want to downgrade the relationship. That isn't wrong. You do what is right for you and your son, that's your job, but if you've been spending time as a "family" or each others kids and now just want it you two only, that would feel like a downgrade.

If you are going to date a man with children (and at my age, many men the right sort of age do - those that don't may think they may want them, and want younger women than me) then your options are:

a - the man who has children and doesn't care about them. He's free to move in with you and experience warm family life through your good efforts - but do you want him to? Do you really want that guy?

b - the man who has children and invests a lot of time and money in them. If he moves in with you, you're all suddenly having to find time and money for each others' children AND you are, to a significant extent, doing this at the expense of your own children and their sense of stability and security.

OR - you could just - not

I was the selfish parent when DS was little. I put us in a situation that was awful in a blended family. DP knows how I feel about my terrible decision making

YANBU to not want to blend families. However this statement of yours really bothers me. It’s like you are blaming yourself for the failed blending that happened in your past. You need to stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t the decision to blend that was bad, it was that the partner and his family at the time ended up being incompatible to blend with. It’s not something you or anyone could have possibly foreseen. There is no foolproof screening or compatibility test that couples can do to see what the % chance of blending success is. Many families do blend successfully, but succeed or fail you can’t know without actually trying to blend.
Avoiding all possibility of blending in the future is a natural response to trauma. We accidentally burn ourselves with fire, so we avoid fire. It’s a survival instinct. And not anything you should feel guilty about or blame yourself for.

YANBU at all.

DH and I met and married when DS1 was little. 14 years on we’re all still happy and doing fine. We’ve had another DS, DS1 sees his Dad often and it’s as nice as it possibly can be.

However, I’d never be willing to do it again. It is, frankly, a miracle that it worked for us. It’s the exception not the rule. In your shoes with a 10 year old I wouldn’t contemplate it. I look at the DC now and accept that the risk I took 14 years ago with their lives and their happiness.

"that would feel like a downgrade." this transactional thinking is very off-putting. I have had boyfriends like this, who have a scale of what they are "getting from the relationship" and always looking grimly at what they have managed to push it up to, and thinking about budging it one notch up - "I've managed to get her to accept my toothbrush in the bathroom. Now, to get invited to some family weddings!" It's awful feeling that pressure

Yanbu. I would not put my DC through it definitely not if he us not fully comfortable with the DC.
Very sensible approach.

I completely agree with you, OP. I also had a disastrous blending attempt when my DS was around 5, it was horrific and I felt terrible when it all went tits up and both children were really hurt by it. I swore then I would never be so stupid again.

I think it can work but it's a rarity - the majority of the time people have to compromise rather a lot, and it often seem to be the children who have to compromise the most of all. No live in partners for me until my DS is an adult now. Only 6 years to go

Ok I just.. won’t.

@SenselessUbiquity

"let's just date or hook up for a booty call"

this dismissive attitude of relationships that don't involve living in - treating them as sordid - is a huge problem for children of single parents. Huge.

I didn't say it was sordid. But the tenants of 20% free time (op said son was with her 80%), no sharing time with the kids, is basically dating. I apologise for the flippancy of booty calls, was just thinking op might get the odd night to grab here and there but between work and sleep wouldn't leave much time for much else. And dating is fine. There's nothing sordid about dating, no one saying you can't love each other, I mean if you're dating for 2 years I'd assume you love each other. But keeping him seperate from i0% of her life, away from the most important person in her life and away from his in return and quite likely by extension wider family and friends, that's dating.

What is wrong with op dating her partner?

My point was it's a downgrade and if I was imagining a future tovether and got downgraded, I'm not sure I'd stay.

@rvby

Yanbu but you will have a brigade of defensive parents in here insisting yabu because they don't want to accept that their decision to blend was unwise.

It rarely works, but parents who measure their self worth on their position in a couple/two adult household will tell you it is all wine and roses / "worth it" etc

Blending can work. So for those where it does work, it’s really judgemental of you to call it “unwise” and assume they are lying about it being a success. It’s like any relationship- housemates, friends, work colleagues, team mates, marriage, etc. It can succeed or fail, but the fact it can fail doesn’t automatically make it unwise to give it a chance.

Sounds like you want a more casual relationship...a boyfriend....not a partner. A companion to do adult stuff with... but...no great depth beyond that as your lives are separate. This works suit a lot of men.

If you have your son 80%: of the time... doesn’t that only leave 20% of the time you could see him without your DS?

@SenselessUbiquity

"that would feel like a downgrade." this transactional thinking is very off-putting. I have had boyfriends like this, who have a scale of what they are "getting from the relationship" and always looking grimly at what they have managed to push it up to, and thinking about budging it one notch up - "I've managed to get her to accept my toothbrush in the bathroom. Now, to get invited to some family weddings!" It's awful feeling that pressure

A regression then? Going from family time to just the two of them is a regression. Op just needs to clarify he's happy with that and then if they're both happy, great. OP prioritising her sons wellbeing is commendable

typo

This would suit a lot of men.

I couldn't agree more OP. So many people rush into this and its a massively high risk strategy. Yes it can work but it has to be entered into extremely cautiously.

Also fundamentally I don't really understand the point. Surely if you both have your own children and are settled you want more adult time, not more time dealing with other people's kids alongside your own?

My boyfriend doesn't have children and that's complicated enough. I think if he had it would probably have been a dealbreaker.