To never want to blend families

[BlueBoar]

I’ve been with DP (living apart) for 2 years. I can feel he wants to blend our families soon - no idea if saying no would mean the end of our relationship - but I have tried this before and it was a disaster of catastrophic emotional consequences for all the children involved. I have a DS10 whose dad I left at 4 months. We moved in with my ex and his kids after 18 months when DS was 4 but it all ended in disaster 18 months later. I have made it clear to present DP that I will never put DS through that again. He has two DS, close to age in my DS, but very different in personality and my DS does not want to spend much time with them (he has loads of pals from school who have much more in common with him). I am adamant that I will not ever put DS through that again and I try to emphasise the adult relationship we have to DP. I want to see DP when no kids are around and have a solely adult connection but he likes to spend time with us and bonds with DS over things that his dad isn’t bothered about. AIBU to say to DP that we need to keep to adults only and he can only see me when I don’t have DS? And that we will never have more than this until (and maybe not even then) until after our kids have flown our nests?

Many many blended families are not only happy - but massively grateful for the huge difference a new partnership/marriage has bought to their lives. One of my closest friends lived a horrific life of physical violence towards both her and her children from her alcoholic husband and their biological father. As well as grinding poverty.

Her new blended family has taught the children what a real father is like and modelled the essential ingredients of a loving, kind and dependable spouse for the children to learn what a real partnership should be.

This all sounds lovely, but you talk solely about fatherhood and modelling a decent marriage ie. it's all about the relationship between the children and their new stepfather, and between this woman and her second husband you don't mention the quality of the relationship between the children and their stepsiblings, if any.

The enforced proximity to stepsiblings is the problematic element for many children in blended families, who find themselves sharing a house and one parent with other children, whom they may like or dislike, but are thrown together with purely because their parents are in a relationship.

I mean, even if you were happy you no longer had to live with your alcoholic biological father, would you necessarily think that a nice stepfather and your mother's happiness was compensation for sharing a home with his children?

Because I know what I would have thought aged eight, or thirteen.

I can only speak from my rl experience. As I right this my 19yr Old Dss is at a festival in Croatia with my DS22. , My 16yr Old DSd is with my 18yr Old DSd and My 18yr oldDd getting ready for a rather soggy BBq (in a barn) thank god .. and DD24 is lying on the sofa watching friends. (I think DH is asleep on the other sofa pretending to watch friends after a game of chess with DD.

It's a pretty normal weekend.

Write not right !!

Blended families is not good for the children and caring parents put their children first. I think that's a really nasty thing to say. I am the child of blended families and they've been amazing. I had even more people to love and support me. All of us children were put first and I couldn't have asked for more caring parents and parents partners.

Just because some people are not caring or good judge of characters does not mean you should tar all blended families with the same brush. That's like me saying I've met a terrible single parent therefore all single parents are terrible (I was one btw before you jump down my throat).

It’s not exactly blended families is it? When you have kids and you date someone with children also it’s a bit hard for the children never to cross over and meet both each other’s parents after 2 years of dating.

YANBU at all, blended families often fail the DC, i wouldn't do it. It's almost never in the interests of the DC (although I've seen it work v occasionally).

I a teacher and go see some difficult situations. One of tutor group (girl aged 13) mother living with the father of another girl in the same year.so the girls lives are intertwined as step sisters but one is very academic, popular etc, the other is weaker academically and very shy. The parents have tried to get the school to put girls together do thAt they can 'bond' in school, but is very difficult for them. Both sets of parents gave now remarried and so 'moved on' but the shyer girl is really struggling.

This poster is absolutely manna from heaven for the MN massive.. a forum where Step parents (especially step mothers) are routinely vilified and mummy martyrdom is considered the pinnacle of maternal aspiration.

The 'Your kid/s come first mantra' is writ large with the subtext that a woman with children is 'selfish' for wanting to find happiness in a new permanent relationship. ? No no you wicked woman .. you are NOT entitled to that ! You must don you sackcloth and sacrifice any dream of 'blending' a family BECAUSE IT NEVER WORKS AND YOU WILL DAMAGE YOUR CHILDREN.. !!

So it's okay to expect the kids to be martyrs instead? Because frankly, that's often what happens when families are blended. Kids have their lives turned upside down, feel uncomfortable in their own homes, lose their "down time", have to deal with a sense of us/them with their step-siblings, often get treated as second-best by their new step-parent... all so their parent can have a live-in partner? How is that not martyrdom?

And yes, some blended families work together wonderfully, but realistically I think that's the exception rather than the rule.

I think the phrase "happy mum, happy kids" has a lot to answer for.

Why does a cohabiting relationship equal happiness? And not having one equal sacrifice? The number one thing in life that makes me happiest is my DS. I literally wake up every morning and am overwhelmed with the joy of spending another day with my kid. The second thing that brings me happiness is my hobby. The number two thing I do every morning when I wake up, is work out if it's a hobby day or if not how many days it will be to my hobby day. And the best thing about my hobby is that DS and I share it. So while some days I do it alone or with friends on many other days I share it with the person I love most in the world.

I never said OP couldn't get joy from her child.

I was merely pointing out that sometimes (it doesn't apply to every situation), kids feel an immense pressure of having their needs prioritised. Or they become arseholes because they're used to having their every whim accommodated and don't learn to compromise and adjust to things beyond their control.

It's just something the OP may wish to consider. Feeling safe IS important for kids - but learning fear of unfearful things and situtations isn't a good idea.

You know your own mind and that's a good thing.

It's a good thing to know your own mind. But I know my own mind, AND abide by 'never say never'.

Deciding once and sticking to it robs you of judgement of future situations on their merits.

(DISCLAIMER - the OP can do what she wants. I am only providing commentary on the rhetoric and decision making process here.)

Actually I would turn round your thinking of “what’s equal” - I think if his two boys only get 40% of time with their father then they should get his undivided attention.
Your ds is with you 80% so no harm in occasional hanging out with dp but not too much and not living with.

Your time with his kids doesn’t have to mirror his with yours as the time with their own parent isn’t identical. And no need to mix the three boys together unless a big occasion that makes that more normal (eg birthday party for one of you two adults).

@thecatsthecats

Why does a cohabiting relationship equal happiness? And not having one equal sacrifice? The number one thing in life that makes me happiest is my DS. I literally wake up every morning and am overwhelmed with the joy of spending another day with my kid. The second thing that brings me happiness is my hobby. The number two thing I do every morning when I wake up, is work out if it's a hobby day or if not how many days it will be to my hobby day. And the best thing about my hobby is that DS and I share it. So while some days I do it alone or with friends on many other days I share it with the person I love most in the world.

I never said OP couldn't get joy from her child.

I was merely pointing out that sometimes (it doesn't apply to every situation), kids feel an immense pressure of having their needs prioritised. Or they become arseholes because they're used to having their every whim accommodated and don't learn to compromise and adjust to things beyond their control.

It's just something the OP may wish to consider. Feeling safe IS important for kids - but learning fear of unfearful things and situtations isn't a good idea.

You know your own mind and that's a good thing.

It's a good thing to know your own mind. But I know my own mind, AND abide by 'never say never'.

Deciding once and sticking to it robs you of judgement of future situations on their merits.

(DISCLAIMER - the OP can do what she wants. I am only providing commentary on the rhetoric and decision making process here.)

No. That is my point. It's not OK for anyone to be Martyrs.

However to write something in stone at a particular point in your life .. and stick to it . Is not a helpful way to live.

In the matter of relationships between 2 families common sense is needed. The OP has clearly stated why she doesn't want to blend at the moment . That it is quite clear that her son and the children from her partners family will not gel together. That is an entirely sensible reason not to do it.
However, if her son and his children had different personalities then it may be something that enhances all their lives (as it did with mine) .

The only thing I would say to the OP is that to base her decision ENTIRELY on a previous relationship, with a different man is nonsensical.. but in reality she hasn't. As a large part of this decision also includes her sons and his sons lack of any common ground.

MN loves an 'absolute' . This is not possible with relationships. Because for every ten anyone can point to where it has been a mistake , my rl experience can point to ten where it's been an overwhelming success.

The clue is in the title. You are not blending two adults, you are blending two families. All members of the 'blend' need to want this to work. It takes time, patience and everyone to have their feelings heard.

Apologies TheCatsthecats I have misquoted you by accident. My post was directed to ZoeCM

It appears to me that you're feeling unhappy with the lack of balance between your two families. So your partner spends time with your son but you don't spend time with his children.

I was in a similar situation but his children were older than mine and only with him alternate weekends, typically while I had mine. I wasn't interested in moving with anyone and was clear about that from the start. What I noticed is that gradually his time with my children increased but I really only spent time with his children when I instigated it. It felt like he was inserting himself into my family, while keeping his own family separate. It felt unbalanced and a bit manipulative tbh but hard to articulate why. It felt like he gave out lots of mixed messages and I found it hard to discuss when I wasn't clear what felt wrong. I agonised and felt I was being unfair etc etc but eventually I realised that it was causing me more stress than joy and I ended it.

But it took me much longer to notice behaviours that I found challenging because of the part time nature of the relationship. I think if we'd lived together we would have broken up much sooner because it was the few holidays that we had with the children that really showed me that he would never be an equal partner in a blended family.

So I think it's not black and white - you definitely learn more about people living or holidaying with them and it's easier to overlook things when you're not with someone 24/7. But I wouldn't have even have considered a relationship except part time and it was successful as far as it went. Once things have settled down, I might even put myself out there again.

Finally, it's not always easier on children if parents leave it until they leave home - a friend of mine felt ousted when her mother remarried on her 60s. She was in her 40s, had her own home and children but felt her home (family home) was no longer the same.

All interesting and valid points.

I agree that his time with two of them is far less than my time with just one, and that their bond is not as strong as mine is with DS for a range of reasons. So it feels right to give them space. Plus I suspect they would hate it and external pressure would be put on them to hate it (which is what happened before).

My reasoning is partly based on my previous awful experience and partly on what I know of both my DP and his kids (how he parents them, how they behave around me & my son, how DP is in his own house and in mine) and I know it would not work. I also have far too much to lose if I moved out of this house for work, school and financial reasons and it would not be practical for them to live here for work and school reasons.

I’m happy to continue with what we have (we won’t see each other at all over the summer due to his contact pattern, which is fine) and hope that when I come to have a conversation with him about it in September that he says he still feels the same - whether or not that is genuine. He readily found someone with a child who was willing to do the blend and bond early on, so I imagine he could again.