Tell me if I am in the wrong

[MrsQGinglass]

Name changed for this, maybe I am wrong but I can't seem to forgive and forget and I know I also have a husband problem.

My husband had an amazing opportunity to go long haul on a trip for his hobby which was to a country that I always wanted to go to. It was a trip for 2 weeks, he and I both wanted me to go, his best friend also wanted to go.
His best friend described the trip as a boys trips, going between places to do my partners hobby, no sightseeing, nothing I would like. I would hate it Etc etc. He made the point of its just doing my partners hobby and a boys trip. In the end I said to my husband you and best friend go but explained that I was disappointed not to be going.
I booked the plane ticket for my husband and his best friend and booked internal flights, 3 months before they left.
Husband flies out on the trip, I am at work, the when my phone flashes up with a notification from Facebook, my husband and I hardly go on Facebook , my husband has been tagged in some photos by his best friends partner all standing having a great time eating in fabulous restaurants and doing an activity that I really wanted to do but was told by best friend that they would not have time for on this boys only trip.
I was furious to be lied to about this trip and the fact that his best friends partner was there, to not be there to support my partner, (it's a dangerous sport) and to be left out completely.
I contacted the wife and said I had no idea you were going and that no one thought to tell me. I also had major arguments with my husband as to why he had not told me and why his friends thought that their behaviour was ok.
My husband then went away again a month later with his best friend and their wife to run a business event. I have never been included in this business but my husband best friends family have, and guess what there was another photo on Facebook with the family and the wife's best mate sitting there all having a great time.
I absolutely lost it at my husband and told him that this was unacceptable and that his best friend was disrespectful of me and my relationship with my husband.
My husband and I worked through this and he agreed that his best friend had been in the wrong and next time I saw him, he would apologise.
Fast forward 6 months and I saw his best friend at a sporting event and his best friend ignored me. I was fine with this but told my husband that I though he was rude, my husband told me to be the bigger person and make the first move and say something to him, so I did and this was ignored again.
I have now told me husband that his best friend is not a nice person and he should not be so close to him and always be there for his best friend as his best friend does not do much for him. This has lead to major rows between myself and my husband to the point I am thinking of ending our marriage as my husband does not think of my feelings and still wants to be around people that clearly think so little of me.
AIBU for not wanting this people to be part of our lives or am I overreacting as my husband says I am.
Sorry if this is a little muddled but it's so outing

When the friend said that there would be no sightseeing and it would be just about the hobby, your husband should have said we’ll find time for some sightseeing so that you both could enjoy the trip of a lifetime. Especially since his friend had been there before, but none of you had. He should have stood up for you right there. And if not then, his second chance to stand up for you was when the partner turned up at the airport. Not cool. The friend doesn’t like or care about you, so he probably isn’t bothered the slightest to say he’s sorry. It’s much easier to pretend that you are overreacting, for both him and your husband. I would seriously consider leaving, if he doesn’t get how hurt you are about this.

Yeah, your DH is either a massive twat or a spineless idiot and either way he has no respect for you. Even if he didnt want you to go (and my husband and I have separate holidays with our separate friends now and again, nothing wrong with that imo) he could have told you that.

I dont like the partner of one of my friends and this means we dont ever do "coupley" meet ups or holidays. When I see her I see her alone. She knows I dont like him, she knows why and it occasionally makes things a bit awkward when she tries to tell me how hard done to he is by his "awful" ex wife but we're good friends and her relationship is her business. But she and I are open about this with each other and her partner. If she started lying to him about holidays away where the rest of us took partners and she didnt then I would imagine he'd be rightfully pissed off.

Your DH can have a friend that dislikes you, I'm sure lots of people have friends who dislike their partners, but lying to you or letting himself be manipulated is a dick move what ever way you look at it.

OP, yes you made a mistake letting the friend's comments about what the holiday would be like get to you to the point where you withdrew.

However...did DH not ask you why you'd changed your mind? Did he not try to say that friend had got it wrong and it would be fine? Or did he hang on to friend's every word?

I don't like the sound of their 'friendship'. Your DH seems to be in some sort of thrall to him (not that way!!) and can't or won't see what he's really like. He won't challenge him or correct him. Does DH have other friends? is he hanging on to this one because he's the only friend he's got?

My husband is more a sleeping partner and does not run this small business day to day. - does that mean DH has put money into the business, but leaves friend to run it however he wants? If he did, whose money? His own or joint?

DH has shown you where you come in his priorities, and you're not top of the list. I wouldn't blame you for leaving.

@Regularsizedrudy

No they are not shagging? That I am sure off, believe me when I say that the best friend partner would do absolutely nothing for him.

Your husband is very loyal to and cares very much about his friend. The same can't be said about his behaviour towards you.
I'd leave.

People who are told to be "the bigger person" are always left with the end of the shitty stick. No-one respects the bigger person.

Exactly!

"bigger person" is a synonym for "doormat"

I would be tempted to leave him. But first book yourself on a holiday - probably not this dream holiday you longed for because of the present situation - but, I don't know - a spa or something for a week.

Let him get on with being an rse (or being invited over to his BFF's every night for food and a "Oooh - Ginglass* is so selfish leaving you alone", then decide what you want to do after that.

Especially if you haven't got children, you really need to think whether it is worth being with someone who considers' his mate's feeling more than your.

I know you distant people focusing on the big trip, but it's difficult not to.
You describe it as 'the trip of a lifetime' who lets their best friend talk their wife out of going and then doesn't have conniptions when said friend turns up with his missus?
Your husband is a tit, you wanting apologies from his best mate for being rude is totally batshit. You need to rethink your marriage.

*don't want people that should read.

I think your husband has an OW. It might be the best friend's mate, it might be someone else. I would guess the best friend has some hold over your husband too.

I would be considering my options, in your position.

I'd be absolutely furious.

What business?

There would be no more business with them, that's for sure.

@TheWernethWife

People who are told to be "the bigger person" are always left with the end of the shitty stick. No-one respects the bigger person.

So true.

Good god your husband's a prick!

There's an old saying that you can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps. Your husband keeps company with a lying, possessive scumbag who has either diddled your husband out of money or lost your husband money through his incompetence. And - "Other friends of my husbands think he is an idiot and ask why he supports him in whatever he does, my husband get says he is misunderstood."

So, basically everyone thinks of your husband's friend negatively, but your husband is 'standing by his man'. Standing by his friend and NOT by his wife.

Your husband has made his priorities VERY clear, and you are way, way down that list. Quite near the bottom really.

Fuck him, I couldn't live with that. I'd be arranging my divorce ASAP. My ex-husband could then live happily ever after with his bezzie mate, propping up bezzie's incompetence/dishonesty with his own money and being the gooseberry to bezzie and his girlfriend. And good luck to that threesome!

@Feedingthebirds1
My husband has lots of other friends and they all tell him that his best friend is an idiot, that he is so stupid that he can't see when he is in the wrong. My husband always stands up for him thinking he is the underdog. The best friend is trusting and takes people for what they promise him, he has been done quite a few times.
It was my partners money not mine, he lets him do the day to day running but has to point out things all the time, like not paying people money before they do a job and my partner has to pick up the pieces.
I am not making excuses for my partner if he wants to do things like that he can, but when it involves me I am done.

Not RTFT.

My guess is that there was another woman there. A friend of Bezzy Mate's OH.

I agree that your husband is happy to leave you out of the fun parts of his life. It’s not really a marriage is it? He cares about his mate more than you.

What’s your legal situation- are you legally married, kids, house together?

Almost sounds like there’s some weird emotional three way relationship going on between your husband, firmed and friends partner. Fuck that.
You’ve been completely disrespected and shunned to the side.

I think I would have walked after the first time.Your husband has no respect for you at all.

[quote MrsQGinglass]@Regularsizedrudy

No they are not shagging? That I am sure off, believe me when I say that the best friend partner would do absolutely nothing for him.[/quote]
Very few people ever say "Oh yes, I completely seen his affair coming"

[quote MrsQGinglass]@romeolovedjulliet
My husband wanted me there. It was a trip of a lifetime. I did not go because his best friend made it sound awful, yet he took his partner and did all the things I suggested.[/quote]
Does his friend's wife/partner take part in the activities herself or drive the car for them or something similar?

I have no idea what’s going on in your own situation....but when I was in my 20s I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who used to exclude me from things with his friends and their partners and not tell me. I’d find out when HIS friends would ask things like ‘why were you not out with us at such and such last Friday...?’.

If I asked him, he always had an excuse for why he didn’t invite me/mention the event (usually The story was that he thought other partners weren’t going). I never did work out what his reason was, but eventually I came to the realisation that his friends felt bad for me and I obviously wasn’t very important to him. I think, with hindsight, he was probably up to no good and was worried his friends might say something. Who knows?!

I would just be aware op, that something isn’t quite right with the whole situation.

You're really trying to pin all this on the best friend, instead of accepting your husband is facilitating this behaviour.
Take a proper look at this situation. Your dh knew the bf partner would be on this trip, there's no way he didn't. He didn't want you there no matter how much you say he did. If he did he wouldn't have allowed you to be put off by 'boys holiday'
You need a very big serious chat with dh over this, and make sure you know what his priorities are because unfortunately op, it doesn't seem you are his priority.

Your DH is an arsehole and won't change; your choices are either you tolerate this ridiculous behaviour or you leave. His loyalty is always with his friend and you're always going to be left out and made to feel like an arsehole.

I'd instinctively assumed OW when I read your post and I'm glad I'm not alone.

Why were you booking the tickets? Boys' trip - but you do the legwork and the boring bits? I don't believe for a second that your husband wasn't in on this from the start. What you need to do now is book a VERY expensive trip for yourself without him.

If this was my husband he would be gone.

I couldn't put up with that.

Yanbu to want to cut all contact, you DHs friend seems to want DH all to himself, not sure if he is jealous or just doesnt like you ( which is not your problem!)
Anyway he is an arse and i would not want to see or talk to him again.
I would also be fuming with DH ,he should be sticking up for you and cooling off relationship with BF. DH could have insisted he wanted you on trip and include all the things you wanted to do, he doesn't come out well of this either tbh. I think he may not want to rock the boat and pretend nothing hurtful has happened,how long have they been friends? Has DH always acquiesedto his BF? It may be a long term pattern but its not fair on you as you will end up feeling second best.
Can you book a trip somewhere equally lovely and expensive yourself and go with a friend? might make you feel a bit better.