AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

My parents were 'comfortable' in their own words. Only dad worked and he came from a very humble working class background but he was and continues to be generous with money within his means. As kids DB and I had lots of lovely holidays, meals out etc and we have very fond memories of our childhood and continue to be very close with our parents. DH's parents probably earned close to my dad's salary between them. They were very much of the 'stately homes' mentality and that was once in a blue moon. Saved all their fancy holidays (including Disneyland) until DH and SIL left home. DH has to be forced to see them once a year and would happily not bother. Its's not all about money, but some of it is about attitude to money and sparking joy.

OP does he do anything with his children?

Aye, it's shared money not his. Go without him
it doesn't sound like an equal partnership at all.
True, kids don't need a lot of planned paid days out, they should be able to manage their own time, be bored, have to entertain themselves. But a day out now and then should be treat if you can afford it.

Wanted to add my personal experience. My parents were very poor. They never took me anywhere. When ever I think of my childhood, I do think it was shit! So bear that in mind, your children will grow up thinking the same thing.

Sounds so depressing OP. When I was a child my parents would have us on day trips every weekend, rain, hail or shine. I'm sure some of the places we went didn't cost much at all but it was always something different to see or do and we learned loads. We'd just pack up the car (often with a picnic) and off we'd go. My best friend used to always say how jealous she was as she'd never left the local area and she loved it any time she was invited along.

Well personally I think zoos are depressing horrendous places, so I'm not with you on that one per se. And I agree with him that picnics, walks in the woods, free museums etc are very valuable.

But I'd also argue that kids have to 'make their own entertainment' on holidays too. When I was a kid we were very short of money, and when we did have holidays it was generally a caravan somewhere in the UK, eating in/cooking on camping gas, playing on the beach with a picnic, walks and free attractions.

His wider attitude to money/you/the kids is worrying, and I think you're very wise to keep half of my salary separate.

Definitely a mixture of both here. We are savers, but absolutely not at the expense of everything else. We have takeaways, the odd meal out, days out and holidays.

It’s important that children know you can have fun without spending money, but not all the time. I think it’s really sad that you have never taken your dc to the zoo or for days out at paid for attractions. I think your Dh is being completely selfish in not allowing the dc a fun childhood with a bit of excitement, Retiring at 55 might not seem so great if he ends up lonely on his own because everyone around him has ditched him for a better, more exciting life.

I’m not one to fritter money away but I don’t see the occasional expensive day out or a family holiday as a waste of money.
We mostly do free days out and my dcs have so much fun climbing trees in the woods, making sandcastle and splashing in the sea on the beach, going to museums and having picnics, and playing with us in the park.
I’ve also spent some money taking them to zoos, going on train journeys, going to aquariums, going for weekends away and holidays.
They learn and experience stuff there that they can’t do elsewhere. It’s a different kind of investment for their future.
I do this mostly by myself with the kids as dh often doesn’t have the time and doesn’t always see the need for it either.
Take them by yourself and ignore what your dh says. And don’t forget that this is your life too. You should be able to do the things you want. No point looking back on your life and your dcs life and having regrets.

Sounds miserable for you and your kids.

To be honest, neither of you are "wrong" as such, but it does sound like your priorities and goals are incompatible. You need to sit down and work out your conflicts and what the compromises are.

What a boring way to live. Imagine retirement, he’ll do even less.

Didn't read beyond "hubby"

Drops mic

Do you not have an income of your own, jackandjill, that would finance some extras? If you do, spend some of it on what you and the kids would like. It isn't up to you to provide for husband's early retirement (which is unrealistic as things are at the moment), and certainly not at the expense of your children's enjoyment. Squirrel some money away privately.

You only have to look at some threads on Mumsnet to know that people who are not at all well off scrimp and save just so their children can have the best possible.

Your husband is being very mean indeed, let him be mean for himself but not for you and his children.

To be honest, neither of you are "wrong" as such

I disagree. When you decide to have children, you commit to give them the best life and start in life you possibly can. Refusing anything remotely fun because you want to retire early-ish is not done in the best interest of your children.

He is quite a shit dad really. He thinks providing for their future is what is important.

Well I don't think those two statements go together all that well. There is nothing "shit" about wanting to provide for your children's future and ensuring they have a nest egg.

I agree though it shouldn't be at the expense of a happy childhood now. Like most other on here I think there is a middle ground. My parents didn't have much money to throw around so we only had one week away every year - usually a UK seaside holiday. We did have days out but they were mostly the sort that wouldn't cost a great deal e.g. a picnic in a country park. But I certainly didn't feel hard done by and consider I had a happy childhood.

Also I do tend to think it is a good idea for children to learn how to entertain themselves rather than have everything laid on and organised for them.

We are more comfortably off than our parents were so our DD (now grown up) has grown up having nice holidays, meals out and treats. However, the vast majority of our days out would cost almost nothing. Get the boots on and go for a walk in the country somewhere - maybe find a geocache or two. And being an only child she has also been adept at entertaining herself. So I think a balance of both works best.

Your DH does sound depressingly mean but in a way I feel sorry for him. Fair enough saving for the future but it seems as though he genuinely does not understand that sometimes the pleasure you can have now is worth more. Not putting that terribly well but he won't get another chance to bond with his children.

Balance. It's all about balance

@RedRumTheHorse
Also depending on his age now he may not be retiring early at 55. They still have to pass the bill to put the state pension age up and may increase the early retirement age in the process.

Whilst Op is using the words early retirement, it doesn’t necessarily mean he will claim any pensions when he stops work! If he has significant investments, he can live on those for years, no one can stop him finishing work at 50/55/60, whatever the official retirement age is. He is unlikely to really need the state pension if he has plenty of other funds.

Op, we are now (Late 50s) at the stage of having enough investments to fund us until pensions kick in, but it hasn’t been at the expense of activities, meals out, holidays etc with our DC (now young adults).

Yes, we have had many holidays in our caravan, but mixed with hotels, cottages, trips abroad, including long hauls. We might have BBQs in caravan, but equally we will have meals out, coffee etc. We have always had a balance, and did not save specifically for early retirement.

As others said, life can be short, we know many people who have not made it to 55.

If you are financially independent, then please just arrange things without him. If that eventually signals the end of your marriage then so be it! His reaction to his aunties golden wedding is ridiculous, why is he worried how other people spend their money?

So, as others have said, he's forgoing everything now because he wants to retire early. He views his money as his own and your money as the family's. Why would you want to retire with him? He's going to be this miserable and tight forever - I couldn't live like that.

The making the decisions for you and "king of the castle" type behaviour is called male privilege and it's considered a form of domestic abuse.

Your children only have one childhood:why should they spend it without holidays etc so their father can benefit himself.

He works and wants to retire at 55 but what about you?,are still expected to work until your pension age?

Completely selfish to want to retire at 55 at the expense of his kids’ childhood. My husband is not at all mean but very much appreciates stuff like countryside walks etc which happen to be free. He hates any kind of “manufactured” entertainment. And even he agrees to the occasional holiday and day out at an attraction as he knows the kids will like it even if it’s not his cup of tea.

Your DH wants to retire early at the expense of his children's enjoyment of life? Selfish, mean tightwad. He is BVVVU.

I think there are plenty of shit parents who provide financially for their kids. If someone is abusive but provide financially are they a good parent. His behaviour is very controlling.

Btw if you decide to divorce him you'll get half of everything and you and the kids can have a life then and you could potentially meet someone who hasn't got OCD about money to the extent he wants to control how other people are spending their cash

So what does he actually want to do in his retirement? How much of that will be spent as a family & are you planning to retire at the same time? It sounds inherently selfish on his part. Your DC are only children for such a short time, make those memories as none of us know what's around the corner.

YANBU. It sounds like a really joyless existence you are currently living.

You may want to tell your DH my Dad was a bit like him. Very frugal with money and wanted to save for a happy retirement. He died a year past his retirement age, having been so unwell with cancer he didn't get a chance to do hardly anything in his retirement. I think it's important to find a balance between saving for the future and actually remembering to still live and enjoy yourself in the here and now.

Wow poor dcs.

Are you going to put up with this? Why can't you do all these things with them? You're living like a single mum anyway.

Do you have a joint account? If so what's the problem?