AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

Well, he has a point in some ways - a lot of things are really expensive. But that's also part of having kids. Enjoying the memories of places you've visited with the children is part of the joy of looking back on their childhood surely?

We didn't have much money growing up but I remember the UK only holidays we had very vividly. One memory of having a surprise visit to the Isle of Wight whilst we were on holiday on the south coast stays with me even now and that was over 40 years ago. I just recall the excited feeling that we were going on a boat!

Has he/you thought about using supermarket vouchers (assuming you're in the UK?)

Last year DH lost his job so cash was very tight. We had booked a week away in the UK in Stratford upon Avon before he lost his job and we weren't getting much refunded so went for the break. We went self catering so what we would have spent at home on food was what we spent in our holiday place. We did a nice picnic every day so spent nothing more than usual on food.

We used Tesco vouchers and exchanged them for attractions. We managed to go to Blenheim Palace, all the Shakespeare places like his birthplace, Ann Hathaway's Cottage etc., We also did Warwick Castle. That gave us a trip out every day and we didn't pay for any of them. In fact we had enough left over to put towards an Italian meal on our last night. I never use the vouchers against food - always save them and get the attractions instead as you get £4-£5 for each £1 voucher.

The Shakespeare tickets and the Blenheim Palace tickets we converted to an annual pass so we can use them again this year (well Blenheim anyway, Covid has shut the Shakespeare places).

A very cheap holiday but probably one of the nicest ones we've had.

Carpe diem as tomorrow may never come. How sad. I can understand he's trying to plan and save for the future, but surely there's a compromise to be had. Even if he retires at 56 and you agree to spend one year's pension on the kids!

It's nice that he was happy with his childhood but not everybody would be. My inlaws never took DH out of town and he massively resents tgem for it. Now that I am pregnant he tells me everyday that he wants to take the child to museums, beeches, flying abroad, seeing the eiffel tower and whatever he thinks of that day. I had an expat childhood and loved seeing the world and different cultures so I'm happy with that.

Aside from that, I wouldn't want to grow old with such a miserable man. Once you retire you won't be allowed anything. My MIL has a friend like that, she isn't allowed to order a cup of tea somewhere because it's cheaper at home. She's always embarressed because she can't ever oay a round of coffee for her friends. Is this really the future you want for yourself?

where is this zoo that's only 50 pounds?

he sounds miserable

Middle ground for me too. I grew up with caravan holidays, some days out and lots of visiting family and cousins and loads of ‘playing out’ as it was the 70s/80s . My DC had less playing out and we have done more with them because of that. I don’t think we spent as much as some and we’ve saved lots too. They’re now older teens so those days aren’t there forever so make the most.

I find it quite depressing that everyone’s lives are on non negotiable hold, just so he can sack it off at 55.

This. And I am already older than 55.

No point being the richest man in the cemetery.

YANBU, free things you can do are good, but everyone needs to do other stuff like zoos, cinema, meals out etc if they can. Personally I treat my kids quite a lot - because we enjoy it too. I hope to retire at 60 but it doesn't hold me back from doing stuff which is fun.

I couldn't see it in your posts OP - but do you work? Is it possible that he manages family finances and savings, your money into the family pot goes on more fun things?

£50 for 4 of you to go to the zoo is very reasonable when we went to London zoo it was nearly £100 for 4 of us.
Hubby had a similar upbringing to your DH no holidays or days out he has in the past said we don't need days out to make memories but over the years he changed his mind he like our days out and says he wishes his parents had taken him on fun days out when he was small.

If he hates his job he should find something else.

What will he do when he's 55 and retires? Wait to die? It's not like he'll suddenly want to go travelling or anything, right? He'll still be saving so he's not broke at 80.

The OP says she works and talks about 'transferring half of my salary into a separate account'.

Sorry, but life is simply too short. If you can afford it, then a mix of days out and holidays is what should happen.

The current issues have shown us that you never know what could happen.

Is this really how you want to live?

If someone hasn't already quoted it, your DH knows the price of everything and the value of little. If you have the money travel (a day or a week) within the UK or abroad is a wonderful gift of experience to children. New places, new faces who knows what spark you may light or what laughs you will have.

And are you also going to retire early at 55 or is this just for him?

I dunno. I think that this

"He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums"

is true - my parents were both pretty extravagant and I have learned to enjoy the simple things most of the time. But at the same time, speaking as someone whose dad also basically used most of our disposable cash on himself I think it is sad that your husband is so obsessed with his own retirement that he can't treat his kids to something a bit out of the ordinary occasionally.

Hi OP,
Tell him the zoo is a lot cheaper than a divorce. The same applies to holidays.

Good plan about using your money as you wish. He might not be bothered about the kids having days out or going on holiday but you are. If he wants to come along make him pay for himself!

We do what we can as a family and we can’t go out for meals or expensive days out loads but we do national trust/English Heritage membership, save our tesco points towards days out/stay in premier inns for weekends away/have a holiday in a caravan. We have had one “resort” family holiday abroad when my eldest was 5 and it was wonderful. My eldest is now 10 and youngest 2 and I would dearly like to go again when my youngest is a similar age.

don't know how I missed it. no holidays whatsoever?

Hi OP,

I am going to distress you by saying this but you need to split up. I would never marry someone with such different views on money to myself (and even now DH and I see things differently at times). You only get one life - he could be dead at 55 and your children would have had a miserable childhood and you a miserable 20+ years with him - for what????

Please sort out your own money, put a plan in place, start putting 100% of your income into a pot for you and the DC (if you have no deb then there is no mortgage I presume). Then spend the money on days out, holidays, treats etc for you and the DC, do not invite him and do not discuss it with him.

He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it.

Well, no, you can afford it, but his 'wants' are dictating that everyone else goes without now.

I wouldn't have worried about it personally as with a philosophy like that it would be guaranteed I wouldn't be with the selfish tight wad when he is 55yo.

I also would not be doing as you have said and taking half of your earnings and putting them in a separate account just so you are able to use it for a holiday or a day out at the zoo with the kids. Sure, he doesn't have to agree to household money for himself to go if he is that against it but he should sure as hell pay for half of the kids expenses and half of your expenses as the kids can't exactly trot off by themselves. Otherwise, the way you propose, what is different to actually being divorced and managing money that way!

In short, fucked if I would have put up with a husband that would have dictated we all go without so that he could put his feet up at 55yo. We are that age group now and we both work. I take it, to avoid sitting around navel gazing in retirement at 55yo, your DH would be planning extended holidays etc for himself or things that cost money - all at the expense of the odd day out here and there at the zoo or movies or the like along the way for his kids. What an utter arsehole. Why are you putting up with this?

He needs to be told -
He doesn't get to make all the decisions on how the family money is spent.
If he doesn't approve of the cost of an event or trip he doesn't get to spoil it by sulking.
He is planning his retirement by restricting your decisions and the experiences his children can experience.
If he doesn't change his ways... he can experience the cost of divorce?

Do you work? If you do can you save some of your money each month to do something fun?

He’s very selfish. To be honest I find the idea of retiring at 55 bizarre nowadays. What if you live to 100? That’s a hell of a lot of time to fill and pay for when you’re only working 35/40 years!

Oh I've got one of these as the father of my child too!! Frustrating.

When he was tiny, his parents were in their early 20s, neither were working, they lived on a commune in Wales in the middle of nowhere. His parents now say that it was far from idylic, even though that's how he remembers it. He's frustrated that our child doesn't enjoy just playing with sticks or something. He's a man who looks at his phone 23 hours a day.

So, I'm in my mid 40s, I earn enough money to save over the year to do fun things and I do what the hell I like with my child. We've been on holiday without him lots of times (right since she was 4 months old), we go to the beach without him, we do other days out with her cousins or her friends, we just do what I/we want.

I'm just sitting down now to make my list of things to do in the next 3 weeks when we're 'just us' before a family holiday at the end of August. For the family holiday, he's only coming to join us when his best mate and family come too. He literally doesn't want to do 'fun' things with us because child doesn't LOVE all the boring stuff he thinks is fun.

I've just bought a SUP, we're taking to the river this summer.

As a kid my dad was very money conscious. “Better get back to the car park or it’s going to be another 20p”. “Not buying you a book when you can get them free at the library” “we’ll take a picnic to the castle as the cafe charges an arm and a leg” etc etc

But we did have some really good once in a life time holidays as dad believed in quality over quantity. We went on an abroad holiday day every three years and while I wasn’t allowed Disney merchandise we went on all the excursions.

He was all for penny pinching and saving for the future but unfortunately the 2008 recession killed him off because of his high blood pressure (super healthy lifestyle but just struggled with financial stress). He was 56. If he knew I know for certain we would have gone on holidays more.

I started several replies to this and deleted them..
All I can say is that life really is too short. There is a compromise to be reached here. Fine, save for your retirement, but there are no guarantees that he will remain fit and healthy to enjoy his money.
Time and money invested in having wonderful experiences with your family is never wasted.
I am very thankful that even though we couldn't afford holidays until our DC were about 10, we did prioritise some real quality time with them. I have those memories to look back on, which is a comfort to me, as I experienced unexpected tragedy and my life is now somewhat restricted.
I am not saying be profligate with money, but don't be mean with it either.

Take them out yourself; do all the things you think will enhance and enrich their lives. You don't need your dh's permission; he can stay at home.