AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

I think he's right, the best memories are made the way he suggests actually, but I would still want the occasional big day out, maybe 2-3 times a year and an annual, simple holiday.

I do think he's wise to be planning retirement at 55. Lots of people have it forced on them around that age, in lots of sectors if you lose a job after 50 it's going to be very difficult to replace it.

There is always the option of you earning some money to pay for these treats? If that's all you need, you wouldn't need to do very much.

There is always the option of you earning some money to pay for these treats? If that's all you need, you wouldn't need to do very much

The OP already works, as she clearly states.

Oh and just to check, your equally comfortable pension fund is in your name and solely accessible by you, isn't it.

You are not bound to prop up his preferences for the rest of your life, though being financially dependent upon him, are you.

A balance to be had, surely. Continuous jollies and provided entertainment are not good for children; you can have simple days out and holidays that are great fun. Children do need to learn to entertain themselves without screens of expensive trips.

The odd day out to a theme park, a tourist attraction and a nice holiday aren’t bad for them and add additional layers to their experiences. If children are never taken to restaurants how do they learn appropriate restaurant behaviour and norms?

Holidays don’t have to be regimented programmes of activities nor do they have to be dumping the kids to a club whilst parents drink and lie on sunloungers beside crowded pools.

Find a holiday that suits you all. Give him some control over it. Maybe something like the Lakes, a barging holiday or something else uncrowded and wholesome.

I think he's being really tight and selfish tbh. Denying the kids a variety of experiences so he can retire early to go on walks and bike rides. The kids will probably have flown the nest. Where will you be?
I think a balance is needed. My kids are 5 and love the beach and forest walks etc. But that won't entertain them so much when they get older and there is so much more in the world to see or do. We do mainly cheap or free days out but also have more costly trips as well.
It's all very well saving for the future, but tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I would say a mix of 2. We had little money when I was growing up. I loved just going for walks with my family and playing board games but we did have the occasional trip to a zoo which made it all the more special. To be fair when I think back to my childhood I don't feel I missed out. We didn't have abroad holidays. My most favourite memories were of Sunday afternoon walks and splashing in rivers and playing poo sticks. Simpler happy times.

Having read through some of your comments this is all about him.

Actually the kids won't thank him that much in the future because he has made zero effort. They might like the money but they won't like him very much.

He's basically making everyone else miserable because he can't relate. The comment about the Golden Anniversary proves that: it's one thing to have a particular view regarding his own money but his reaction to other people's spending habits is out of proportion.

I can understand being careful with money as we had to do the same but we had some days out and treats, we just didn't spend lots of money.

You need to take your power back because he is overriding you and that's a separate issue from the money and if you want to do something nice, do it.

Marriage should not in any way be a prison.

By the sounds of things your husband is going to miss out on great memories with his children! All very well wanting to retire at 55 BUT that comes at a cost if he’s that miserable because by then the kids will be grown and not want to spend day trips out with him! I understand free days/picnics etc but your daughter asked to go so therefor wants to go...
I have 2 step kids (22/20) and two of our own 10, 1 yo. Every 2nd year since step kids were little we’ve went to a safari park, a big drive from us so cost of fuel, park, food etc and even now the bigger two always always talk of our days there!! Unfortunately we’ve not ALL been in 3 years (due to holidays clashing/1 living away from home now but I tell you what, I cannot wait to go when it’s all of us plus grandkids and continue a tradition we started a long time ago. Go to the zoo!! You’ll all have a great time and make a wonderful memory

What an utter misery! You two do not seem massively compatible. There is a middle ground - yes my kids had an amazing time playing in park yesterday with friends with a picnic, we also had an amazing time last year in the Maldives! If you can afford to give your kids amazing experiences then why not. My husband and I didn’t have much money growing up and are now very comfortable- we are conscious we don’t want kids to be spoilt so say no to lots of things but also appreciate that we can do amazing things with them as well.

YANBU. I agree that your children can have a happy childhood with lots of brilliant memories without you spending money. However, it sounds like your DH is penny pinching and why shouldn't you have the holiday and days out that you want, if you can afford it; otherwise he sounds overly controlling. None of us know what the future holds and a balanced life now and possibly working a few more years sounds more preferable to me.

Life is for living!!!!!

Life is not a rehearsal and I could not live with someone so miserable.
Great he can retire in 15 years, his kids won't want to spend time with him and his wife will be bored out of her brain.
Sounds like a great future.

What a shit way to live.

Why has he set his retirement age at 55? If he leaves it till he's 56 or 57 then he will have 2 years less income to put by. He may also decide he wants to work longer so all that scrimping and saving will not be needed. I think you need to come to some arrangement that X amout of money should be set aside for entertainment each week or month.

A friend of mine recently divorced. She said she was never able to take her children on holidays or days out as they could never afford it. When the solicitor looked into splitting everything her husband had saved thousands, something she never knew about. She cried when she thought of all the times she'd said no to her children, when he'd been saving all that money, he said for them but he ended up meeting someone else and was then trying to hide the money in different accounts.

😂😂

So what does he plan to do for the 30 or 40 years of retirement? He'll need an awful lot of money so all those years will have to be penny pinching as well. What a life! Are you prepared to live like that forever? I do think to deprive your DC of experiences in their childhood is awfully selfish of him as well.

YANBU
But as a compromise why not do some searching for cheap deals. When my kids were younger money was tight and I used tesco vouchers for days out and bought half price tickets etc..
Even now when we can afford to do more, I still look for deals and offers before forking out full price.

Sounds like a 1970’s childhood! Spartan! What about telling him for a start, one day in the month, you get the kids to choose a day out somewhere. You can pay an entrance fee ( find some vouchers or deals to cut costs) and take a picnic to save some money. When my kids were little every year I would buy an annual pass to one place ( zoo, farm, etc which often upgrade the main entrance fee to an annual pass for a little more) and go there all year, next year another place. The think with kids is they grow fast and you have to have fun and make memories before they reach the age where they lose interest!

He doesn’t sound like he had a lovely childhood at all. It sounds like his childhood has left him joyless and unable to relax and have fun. Not being able to relax at someone else’s party that hue have splurged on is very sad indeed. What an unhealthy outlook he is living with and bestowing on you and his dc.

My aunt and uncle had a beautiful party for their golden wedding they hired a hotel and it cost a fortune he was miserable the whole time because it cost hundreds of pounds

Right I get the fact he is a miserable miser himself but why was he miserable about other people spending their own money?

And no I don't think he had a lovely childhood at all, it sounds as if his childhood experiences has left deep emotional damage and is still affecting relationships now as an adult.

Christ what a miserable life, tell him to buck his ideas up or you’ll divorce him & then he’ll have to give you half his money!

What a selfish man. His kids are missing out on occasional treats and days out so he can retire early. What if this dream of retirement isn't all that it's cracked up to be? Can't you book the days out and go without him?

I grew up in a family where we didn’t have much growing up. Similarly to the friend of a previous poster - my dad also retired in his 50’s, showed off about his pension and treated himself to a Porsche and a couple of fancy holidays. He also fully expected to inherit significantly from my gran, who has now outlived him. He had a few years of retirement before falling seriously ill with a very aggressive cancer and dying. Pretty sure he regretted not doing more with us when we were kids.