AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

Your husband is denying you and your children a life now because he wants to live in the future when he is 55. You have one and one only life. Think carefully about who is in charge of how you live it.
He sounds selfish and miserable.

He sounds a pain. What's he going to do when he's retired ? There's not going to be much travelling & luxury holidays involved is there? Anyway, can you get your hands on some Tesco vouchers? They're great for days out & reasonable family restaurants. I think you can also get annual membership for National Trust or similar, so it will take the sting out of it. Otherwise I'd suggest saving yourself and just doing it. Have you got a credit card in your own name? If not, apply for one & use it for family treats. You don't have to have miserable DH everywhere with you, he can stay home & that will save money. Go have fun & tell him to lighten up.

Oh FFS another bloody post where armchair psychologists diagnose, i'm Autistic and am not a controlling cheapskate

WeMarchIn - well said.

Oh god, imagine another forty or fifty years of this.

Your poor children. When I think of kids who've never had a penny spent on them, I think of either dire poverty or those really deprived kids whose parents spent any spare money on themselves.

How can he say he loves his children when he is deliberately stopping them from enjoying the sort of things that most children love?

How can you love someone who spends every minute of the day thinking about money and how to save it? It's SO depressing.

Is he a teacher? I used to be a teacher and knew tons like this. They wouldn't change job, even though they hated it. They'd rather do it and moan to everyone about it.

The thing is, I do agree with him (and wide-eyed, courting you) about the value of simple pleasures. Like everyone, we've made a great deal of our garden, walks and bike rides during lockdown.

They are not the only pleasures though. I suppose I evaluate value and benefits, then consider whether we can afford the thing or not. Some things, like swimming or musical instrument lessons, require considerable investment, of money and time. So worthwhile though and there are no shortcuts to those things.

To me though, perhaps the biggest value of having some money available, is to provide a buffer, a safety-net, a cushion, a rescue fund; so that when things go a bit wrong, you can buy yourself out quickly and easily, without stress. Money provides peace of mind. If it would make all the difference and avoid considerable stress, upset or discomfort to get a taxi, stay in a hotel, buy the silly expensive food, buy a new one of whatever it is, then you can do that. Knowing that buys peace and security and makes life so much smoother.

I would not give that up easily, for me or for my DC. I'm generally 'careful' (take sandwiches etc) and plan well but there are occasionally situations when, given we can pay, I would feel cruel to deny something / impose the more difficult approach.

Very wise post, @lottiegarbanzo, yes.

He sounds utterly miserable.
I think there is a happy middle ground between saving for a hoped for future and living in the here and now and he isn't meeting it right now.

I don't particularly like theme parks but we do spend a lot of our spare money on experiences - watersports, days out to different places etc.

DH ex is like your DH and the children sound so glum when they talk about their weeks. She has plenty of spare money but doesn't like spending a penny of it on fun stuff for the children.

My parents were great at doing fun stuff with us (watersports, skiing etc) throughout our teenage years and I think it is a big part of what kept us close as a family all through our teens and into adulthood.

I am also going to call out the assumption that this is an ASD trait. DH has autism but does loads with his children and gets a healthy balance between down time and "days out" etc

God he sounds awful. I could never be with someone like this. Poor you poor kids!

This is getting tiresome @MNHQ. Can you please stop allowing the “twat = autistic” posts please. If it was any other protected group you’d delete the posts rapidly and rightly so (eg if it was about travellers)

We face enough prejudice in every day life, why do you allow these anti-autistic posters to continue to peddle their shite?

There is a happy medium but I’m with you. DH sounds miserly and a fun sponge. I couldn’t be with someone like that.
At the end of the day he is NOT in charge. You both have 50% say in the money. Retiring early might be his choice but you might prefer not to. Perhaps you should agree an amount for each of you after the bills have been paid say £100 a month . He can save , you can spend on treats for you and the kids.

I don’t understand why he unilaterally makes these decisions? Does he always treat you like a child?

Cycling in the hills is not like a carribean beach. Brewers fayer is not like a decent restaurant. He’s a shit teacher!! He’s brainwashing you!

He sound's miserable. We try to do days out now and again when we can afford to but the fact you can and won't. I didnt really go anywhere as a child but I try to take the kids places.

his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. but surely that is true? The best fun I ever had never included my parents. We were wild. Kids now are too closely monitored.

My parents were similar to your DH and as a child I did feel I was missing out a lot. They were however quite short of money, they chose to pay for school fees for me and as a result we sacrificed a lot. It was however hard not to compare when my affluent friends were taking about what they did at the weekend and I just stayed at home.

If he is worried about money what about persuading him to buy a national trust pass or merlin pass and then you have unlimited access to days out for limited outlay. I would have loved my parents to do this but they seemed to prefer spending their weekends doing diy or gardening.

My parents didn't have two pennies to rub together growing up op.

We had two family holidays in the uk in the 18 years I was at home.

Big things we wanted as kids like bikes etc were birthday and xmas gifts

I remember my dad once surprising us with cinema tickets and it was a real treat for us

Once a month on pay weekend we would go out to a lovely pizza restaurant for a family meal.

We used to go to the beach on weekends in the summer with a pre packed picnic and a tub of coppers for the slots machines and the treat was an ice cream.

I never felt like I missed out op if I'm honest.

My parents didn't have the finances not that they wouldn't spend it but we appreciated it all the more when we did do things then.

My dh was brought up with yearly abroad holidays,new everything m and s food and all the money he wanted.

So we do a kind of between the two. I want my dc to experience more than I did but I have great memories of the free things aswel op.

I wouldn't put up with arguing every time you need to pay subs for lessons etc for the kids.
Call him out on it. Have you told him to his face how selfish he's being?

You should have your whole wage paid into your own account, then transfer over an agreed amount to a joint account.
You should be able to have as many days out and meals out with your kids as you want, you are an independent person.

I think he's being super selfish if he's prioritising his retirement over everything. Of course you should be able to go on the odd trip!

I feel for you. It just sounds a joyless way to live.

We are fairly sensible with money on a day to day basis - don't have expensive Sky subscriptions or hobbies, or eat out all the time, but our home is really well equipped and comfortable, we always eat well at home and we regularly take my two on holidays and city breaks abroad, packing in loads while we're there, which they love.

When dp has been working I've taken them away abroad on my own on short sunshine breaks a couple of times too. We get a deal in a 5 star hotel and i read by the pool while they just swim. If they're anything like me, the travel is what they'll remember most.

I think you need to agree a budget for extra stuff. A couple of memberships for a local attraction and NT or English Heritage.

My approach is like you and your kids only get to be kids once. I grew up usually with holidays spent with family (so free) but days out to places like NT, caves, walks etc. We didn’t go to Spain every year but we had a couple of outstanding holidays abroad spread over my entire childhood (America, safari in Africa) which I will never forget.

My mum always took a thermos flask and a cool box with a picnic.

What I don’t get is people who get dominos pizza etc on a whim! £50 on pizza! It’s cheese on toast and you could get some from the supermarket.

I think you need more control over your money, you work, you earn it and you save the family loads but doing term time only work! £50 on the zoo annually won’t stop your family retiring. Commandeer the Tesco club card vouchers and use them to make things cheaper!

@Scautish I'm sick of it, we are nothing like that

Would it kill him to work to 60?

Do you have the same quantity of pension provision as him? Same expectation of comfortable early retirement (if you want it)?

I'm sure that will be a yes, as he's so keen on saving for everyone's future.

Plus, he places huge value on all the good things in life that are cheap and free - like your domestic, child-rearing and mental organisational labour. The up-side of all this, is that you must be married to one of the only men mentioned on MN who is actively interested in placing a high cash value on unpaid domestic labour. (That's right isn't it? He's really evaluated what's important in family life, values and supports your role in holding it all up, really cares about and invests in the whole family and your financially secure futures?)

Do NOT, NOT, NOT go down the route of effectively separating your finances, with him saving for him, while you sacrifice your future security for the family's happiness.

You are not Cinderella. He is not the wicked Stepmother. There is no Prince Charling coming to rescue you. You have to do that yourself, working with him. (Or recognise the real-life implications of being unable to do so).