AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

I think there is a balance to be had, I had a pretty privileged childhood but some of my favourite memories are of camping & playing with sticks.

However I never see the point of constantly being frugal just to retire early.

He sounds stingy. Squirrelling away all that money and denying his kids even the occasional treat or day out. You can’t take it with you.

Wow. He needs to know that there is a happy medium between his way and his sisters!

On the one hand, he’s right, you don’t have to spend a fortune to make good childhood memories but he really needs to lighten up and realise it’s not all about him!

"He can't swim because his mum didn't deem it necessary as they never went on holiday or near water.…. He says he has never missed out as he has no interest what so ever in going near water. Every term when the bill needs to be paid we argue about it."

Wow. Let's hope his kids can swim well then, in case he accidentally comes into contact with any water.

"I suppose looking back my parents needed the nice holidays and the posh restaurants to be content so until I met him I didn't really value that you can still be happy without spending money "

Shouldn't that be, that HE can still be happy without spending money? He may be, but it doesn't sound as if you or the children can for as long as this means for him. He doesn't give a monkeys what would make anyone else happy, does he?

I wouldn't have got into a relationship with someone like that in the first place. I'd get rid of him and give your children the nice life they deserve. Leave him to his frugal ways.

He's frantically saving for when he's 55, what if he dies at 54? All those years spent not enjoying life. None of us know how long we will be alive, we could all be dead this time next week. Save money and make plans for the future but remember your children are only young once.

God he sounds selfish and meran, the kids won't forget that.
Do you work? It might be worth getting a job of some kind and going on holiday just you and the kids.

I echo the previous posters about balance. Our DC’s are teens now and don’t want to come out for day trips with us anymore. Your DCs are the perfect age for enjoying and remembering days out.

We didn’t have much money when our DC’s were young, so holidays were with tokens out of the newspaper. We’d often manage to go to Eurocamp in France fairly cheaply and DC’s loved it. Now they’re older and we have a bit more cash, we do bigger holidays which is great for them as they want to fit in with their friends.

We always did days out. Some cheap, some more expensive. We’ve splurged on sports tickets for the Olympic s and watching the England team in various sports and the DC’s have loved it all. We had annual tickets for our local safari park which paid for themselves 20 times over, but we also did woodland walks and fish and chips on the beach.

You have a few years window before they won’t want to do anything with their parents, so make the most of it.

Will you get to retire at 55 too OP?

How come he lets them do cubs? Does he pay for them to go on camps/activities with cubs?

My granny always said there are no pockets in a shroud-wise words. We have a fun money budget every month after bills and savings etc. Like many PPs have said there is a balance to be had, lots of the free days out are fab but there is something lovely about being able to the extras too not just for the kids but I enjoy these days/holidays and DP and I work hard we deserve them!

OP I hope you get to retire early too and enjoy the down time and fruits of your hard work otherwise there is an air of financial control by your DH that just doesn’t sit quite right.

I'm kind of in the middle between you two.

I had an amazing childhood. We did loads of walks, trips to the beach, playing out, parks. As a result I was very outdoorsy and when we did go to the cinema or a theme park I could take it or leave it.

I do however appreciate that different people enjoy different things. I do therefore take my children to the zoo and activity centres but to be honest they do prefer splashing in puddles or playing at the play park there and I do think what's the point as they arent really into it. Yes they get a few minutes enjoyment from it but not as much enjoyment as they would going to the local park and having an ice cream

Saying all that...what stands out in your post is your husband thinks x therefore x is the way you've approached it. No compromise. I don't think that's healthy. So I woudknt spend your own money doing stuff but I would say you have joint finances and you get some say. I do also think a balance is necessary, living for today is fine until you're 55 and begrudge every day at work because you could have stioped by now. Saying that, he is retiring early for him not your kids and I think there has to be some appreciation from him of what do your kids want and what would make then happy (not always the theme parks!)

What a misery. Sound like a joyless existence and I feel sorry for you & the children. There’s def a middle ground to be found.

I think the answer is somewhere between the two of you.

I agree that there are a lot of free things which children enjoy doing eg a country park where you can walk and picnic with adventure playground and an ice cream , or free crafts stuff etc etc but if you can afford it it's pretty mean not to take your DC away for a week or to the zoo for a treat.

It's also kind of selfish that your husband is putting his wants before the children's.

Retirement planning is sensible, even wanting to retire early but it sounds like he’s taken it far too far. Would it kill him to plan fo retire at 57 and instead use the money for some fun with the children now? He probably isn’t wrong that free things can be fun but it sounds like he has taken that to an extreme, especially when you’re both earning well. Would he be less annoying if you said you’d look for best possible deals eg 241 at theme parks etc?

@jackandjill12, it sounds like you remember your courtship as idyllic. How well do you actually get along with each other now though? I can't really imagine going from such happy memories to being able to say "he's a shit dad" to all and sundry without something having gone badly wrong in the interim.

Are you looking forward to his the future with him?

@jackandjill12

Wow. So many responses. Kids are 10 and 7 DH is 40. I am 39. I work 25 hours a week term time only he works full time. He thinks life is for living (ironicly!!)not working a minute longer than you need too. He thinks kids don't appreciate days out because when we went to a kids farm a couple of years ago the kids were more interested in rolling in the field than seeing the animals . He loves pottering in the garden and cycling both free and thinks the kids should be happy with this as this is all he ever did as a child and he loved it but that was because he didn't know any different. He blames social media as says all these attractions are completely unnecessary. He doesn't like crowds either so I think that is part of his problem. Someone who asked about extra cirricular activities: he hates the amount we spend on swimming lessons but I completely and totally refuse to back down on this. He can't swim because his mum didn't deem it necessary as they never went on holiday or near water. His sister has gone the other way and takes her children everywhere and has got into serious debt taking her 4 kids to Eurodisney as she feels she missed out on so much!! He says he has never missed out as he has no interest what so ever in going near water. Every term when the bill needs to be paid we argue about it.

He loves tranquility and when he retires he wants to be able to go cycling and walking all the time. Before he met me he travelled extensively but did everything on the cheap. The thing that drew me to him was his happiness in just being free , he had no airs and graces and was so happy just pottering. At the start of our relationship he did teach me that a meal out in a brewers fayre can be just as good as a meal in an expensive beachfront restaurant and a saturday afternoon cycling in the hills is just amazing as sitting on a caribbean beach and I was taken in by this charm of contentment and never needing anything materialistic to keep him happy. I suppose looking back my parents needed the nice holidays and the posh restaurants to be content so until I met him I didn't really value that you can still be happy without spending money but now he has children he is taking this attitude too far!!

Oh god @jackandjill12 he sounds like my brother who has aspergers. A loner who likes tranquillity, never really engaged with the children, saved for whatever. Maybe he loves cycling and pottering but does that suit the family. My brothers first marriage broke up due to this. He now lives at the top of a mountain in China with a second wife chinese who defers to him. The cycling is good there he says.

I agree with pp, he sounds like he's possibly on the spectrum OP. I have a friend who isn't this bad (yet) but she is obsessed with money, saving it, not spending unnecessarily and so many of our conversations come back to money. She would rather walk for an hour to get home from a night out instead of splitting a taxi that's £2 each! I strongly suspect she's on the spectrum, for other reasons and having known her such a long time.

If this doesn't ring bells for your DH, then he's just miserable, tight and narrow minded. Of course you don't have to splash out, but there is a middle ground. One trip to the zoo as a treat for £50 isn't much in the grand scheme of things, it's not as if the DC are asking for this 3 times a week.

Sorry, being autistic doesn’t make you cheap!

I’m autistic, so are both my kids, we’re all normal spenders.

He’s cheap.

Oh and the brewers fayre isn’t the same as a ‘nice restaurant’. Ever.

Cubs he actually thinks is good value for money as doesn't cost much for subs but now my youngest is a beaver it is double the subs and double the trips but still cheaper than us having to pay out for a day trip for a family. I have the school shoes to pay out for in the next week - one year he really moaned so the next year I put him in charge and it cost twice as much as the asda shoes he bought for the kids only lasted 3 months. If things are good value for money (in his eyes!!) he will pay out!!! So school shoes, saturday morning cinema, and 2 for £8 meals are great value but things like a nice meal for a special occasion, a decent bottle of wine, a holiday in a nice hotel, (a bed is a bed), even bikes, he loves his cycling but only ever buys them second hand are unnecessary.

I kind of don’t get why he’s been the one to make all the decisions about this. He’s being miserable about it. The kids will remember not having fun and will wonder why their dad didn’t want to do fun things with them. Does he do fun things that are free?

It’s definitely good that he’s good with
Money but it sounds like he is unhealthily obsessed with saving.
But what worries me most is the fact that he seems to be making all the decisions here? If he doesn’t want to go to the zoo/theme park then fair enough but why can’t you take them?

What happens with birthday parties etc? I think they’ve got a bit ridiculous of late but is very difficult to not do birthday parties when all other kids are having them.
Best course of action would definitely be to try and agree an “activities” budget for the year.
Also a holiday budget. Or go yourself with the kids if he won’t.

10 & 7 are great ages to do days out with IMO. Under 5s don't need theme parks etc but older children benefit much more. They don't need it, but every so often, life is for living!

I have to say, I get extremely bored if we don't do anything with the children (older 2 are similar ages) so we probably do more than some families but definitely less than others.

There's nothing nicer than tired kids who have had a good day out. Doesn't have to be £££, a NT membership can pay for itself in a few visits and picnics keep costs down.

My parents were a mix of splurge and saving. We had some lovely holidays but they were also careful with retirement planning. Both died before they retired.

@jackandjill12 how does Christmas work in your house? I have 4 kids and it’s cost a fortune when everything is said and done. Do you tell your husband how much you spend or do you both set a budget and stick to it? I think I would strangle your husband if I had him!😂 he could be gone tomorrow and what good would all his money be then? It’s not like he can take it with him.🙂

So he’s making you all go without so that he can have the relaxed life he wants when he hits 55? Honestly what a selfish tosser. It’s all about him, isn’t it?

It's all about him, isn't it.

He sounds like he has no empathy and limited theory of mind - he doesn't comprehend that other people are different and separate from him, with their own wants and needs; not extensions of him.