AIBU to feel confused and old about transgender issues.

[confusedandold]

I was born in 1976 so 43 years old. During school, I don't recall any children in my school having issues with their gender. There may have been some but none that I was away of. I had no experience of transgender people apart from a vague memory of seeing a man in women clothing walking up the road and being fascinated by it.

Transgender issues have never been at the forefront of my mind. I feel that I'm very accepting of other people's life choices and that people have a right to be happy in their lives whatever that means for them.

Lately, I feel completely confused by transgender issues. It has never been something that I'd given much thought to but I get completely an utterly confused by the terminology. Non-binary, cisgender etc this is all wording that I had never encountered before. Everyone seems to be talking about trans right and gender issues and I don't understand where this has suddenly come from. Is it that more people have issues around their gender? Is it fashionable to be gender-neutral? Is it just that people now feel more comfortable in expressing how they feel inside? Is there greater acceptance? I'm returning to the UK after 10 years abroad and this is a topic that was never really discussed when I left.

I guess I'm asking because I don't want to inadvertently offend anyone by using incorrect terminology. As shocking as this may sound but when I was at school mixed-race people were referred to as 'half-caste', even mixed-race people in my school referred to themselves in this way, now this is a huge no-no. Times change, language changes and it is so easy to offend while having no intention whatsoever of doing so.

OP. Try here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3145470-Break-it-down-for-me

You may find this thread doesn't go well as there are regular threads on here posted by people who absolutely do get it but post to get screenshots to try to show the MN is 'transphobic'.

If anyone sees any transphobic posts please report to MN as they will remove them

Is it really something you’re wondering about, OP?

@TeenPlusTwenties
Thank you for that. I think it is amazing if anyone could be offended by my question. It is a genuine question from someone born in a time when gender issues were not a topic of debate. I am asking because I truly want to understand. I've lived in the Middle East for over a decade where transgender issues are absolutely not a topic of debate so you can see how I am a little naive to this topic. I do not know of a single person in real life who is transgender so again, I have no real-life experience of it. Clearly, it is more visible these days so I want to understand, not offend.

I also feel I dont completely understand trans issues, and like you, I dont know anyone who is trans.

@pickledmybrain
It absolutely is. As mentioned above, I've lived in the Middle East for over a decade where it is not a topic of discussion. My eldest is 13 and it is something he may encounter at school when we return to the UK soon, yet it is something I have no life experience of. It's something I need to discuss with him as it is something he literally has no knowledge of at all. I don't want to get it wrong.

Trans issues have been around forever, it’s just that it was never talked about in the same way that at one time being gay was never talked about.
I think the birth of the internet has opened up the world in so many ways, and finding out there are others like you in the world gives courage, opens dialogue and then makes those people realise they should be able to be who they are. But that’s not always palatable to society and so they have to fight for rights, become more visible, when in reality the vast majority just want to be treated as equals.

Ok I’m starting to ramble a bit I think

OP, it may be better to get an education into trans issues from trans writers and activists. Transgender History by Susan Stryker, guest articles for various publications by Kenny Ethan Jones or Emmy Colletti may be a good start 😊

No, really, don’t do that OP

@Kat92
I read a thread on here today where someone described themselves as 'Cisgender'. It's a word I've never heard of and I had to google it.
I've read threads about children transitioning and single sex toilets in schools. As mentioned above, moving from the Middle East my son will be going to a UK school for the first time. He has zero knowledge of gender issues. It's something I need to discuss with him but I need to learn more. I think many for people in their twenties it is difficult to understand that older people were not really brought up being confronted with gender issues, at least not the vast majority. I have never met a trans person in all of my 43 years.

I don't want to get it wrong.

You are bound to get it wrong as you cannot please everyone in this debate.
You'll need to inform yourself of the arguments and decide where you stand.

It's a biology v feelings v being kind v protecting rights/safety debate. Plus you need to understand that according to Stonewall trans is a very wide umbrella these days and people mean different things by it.

The UK’s main LGB campaigning organisation, Stonewall added Trans to its scope in 2015. This is their glossary of terms
www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/faqs-and-glossary/glossary-terms#u
A good place to start.
I remember being shocked by someone using queer for themselves, as this was shouted at my friends when we were growing up.
On the other hand, “transsexual” seems to be out of favour with Stonewall, who now prefer “transgender”.

@pickledmybrain
Why not though? From reading on here it seems that being transgender is pretty common. Or maybe not?

I'm 53, I get transgender issues. I'd say it was living in the ME, not your age that has caused your lack of knowledge.

We used to call people who thought that they'd been born in the wrong body, transsexuals. Which, from a feminist pov is a better description. Feminism fought to remove gender stereotypes and had the opinion that gender was a social construction and not real.

Read around transgender and non binary, because there's more than one opinion on the new phenomenon of, in particular, teens swapping and changing how they identify.

@SomewhereInbetween1
Thanks for that, will check out those books.

@confusedandold I have never met a trans person in all of my 43 years.

You probably have, and just not realised

why not

Because there is an agenda and one that is detrimental to women.

Put simply, once you blur the lines of what it is to be female, men are permitted into spaces once reserved solely for females either on the grounds of dignity (changing rooms, toilets) or safety (prisons.) And I don’t think that’s a very progressive move.

I think it was about before. I am 42 and had trans friends at university - my then boyfriend came out as trans when I was 19/20 and transitioned and has now lived as a woman for as long as she lived as a man!. I think it's much much more common now and some of the kids who declare they are non binary or whatever will change their minds in a few years and it'll just be a phase they went through but I don't think it's been invented since 1996.

I have some advice. Encourage your son to listen and come home and work out what’s going on rather than get into debates at school. He could easily find himself completely ostracised even for asking innocent questions. Definitely an issue to keep his head down over at a new school.

@pickledmybrain
Thanks for answering. Now that is a very interesting debate.

I am reading a few books recommended on here.. not because I agree with what they say but because they are making me think about the issues..

Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine and Irreversible Damahe by Abigail Shrier.

@Etinox
Very sensible advice there.

OP, I'm 47 so slightly older than you.

Up until two years ago I had no idea what was happening wrt issues around sex and gender.

I suggest you read the 'break it down for me' thread linked by a pp.

I am so grateful to MN as this has been quite the eye opener and am now proactively campaign both online and IRL to support and protect women's and children's rights.

This is a useful place to start OP _ it's where I started unpicking what's going on. It's a lot to get your head around:

sexandgenderintro.com/

When I grew up, in my neck of the world, gay people didn't exist. Nobody ever spoke about them, I don't think to this day I know what term my parents would use if they did speak about them. In fact, I knew about trans people (through newspaper articles in the 70s) before I knew about gay people. I very much doubt there was simply an absence of gay people: what happened, of course, was that they kept themselves well hidden- and suffered accordingly.

When people started talking about trans people as a new danger, I was swept along with the tide. Then I realised that I had met trans people who had not felt able to speak openly about their situation. Then I realised that someone who had committed suicide had done it because of bullying over this issue. And then I started finding out about trans people being attacked. And then it occurred to me that maybe in this scenario I wasn't the person most at risk. That I might live several lifetimes without ever being put at risk from trans people, whereas it is unlikely that a trans person could live even a year without being harassed and bullied and put at risk.