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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to terminate my pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

131 replies

mrt1981 · 23/07/2020 22:10

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant. At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 23/07/2020 22:12

You shouldn’t need to ever justify your decision to terminate a pregnancy.
Whatever you choose I wish you good health and peace Flowers

Babyroobs · 23/07/2020 22:15

Would you be wanting it if you felt well, because this will pass unless you are very unlucky. Your feeling unwell is perhaps affecting your emotions too ?

VanillaSpiceCandle · 23/07/2020 22:16

However ill you feel, this will pass. I think you need to concentrate on whether you want a child rather than how sick you feel now.

If you weren’t really trying that implies you wanted to get pregnant. Try to think about the bigger picture/long term.

I hope you feel better soon. See if the GP can see you again.

shemadeit · 23/07/2020 22:16

Obviously you are free to do what you want with your own body but I would not terminate a baby for this reason.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/07/2020 22:16

There’s a lot of physical and emotional discomfort having children- also a lot of joy- but yes it’s a very draining experience.
The main issue is do you want a child? I think a lot of people wobble about the changes to their life, but they want a child ultimately. You need to ask yourself if you do?

GilderoyLockdown · 23/07/2020 22:16

@Babyroobs

Would you be wanting it if you felt well, because this will pass unless you are very unlucky. Your feeling unwell is perhaps affecting your emotions too ?
Yes, I think this is the question to ask yourself.
Almostfifty · 23/07/2020 22:17

How long have you been feeling like this? You might be like this with every pregnancy, have you thought about that?

Things do usually get better in the second trimester, hopefully you will too.

It's totally your decision, but it's worth thinking about very carefully.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you and yours.

AriettyHomily · 23/07/2020 22:17

You will not feel this ill for long. You need to decide whether you really want a baby. It is your body and your decision.

How would you feel if you terminated and then had issues conceiving in the future?

Haworthia · 23/07/2020 22:18

Sickness aside, do you want a baby? The fact you’re contemplating a termination suggests that maybe you don’t? It’s your choice.

I remember feeling so horrendous at week 9 I just laid in bed and cried. But it was a wanted baby and I hung on until I felt better around week 14.

user1471462428 · 23/07/2020 22:20

Go back and try another tablet. I’ve had Hyperemesis in all four of my pregnancies and found different tablets work different times. I think one of my losses was due to dehydration so please take care of yourself. Maybe get a sick note so you can rest and think about your options.

Rtmhwales · 23/07/2020 22:20

I was in the sad unlucky percentage who was very sick until I gave birth at 31+6 weeks - I wasn't even worried about the prematurity because I was done being pregnant. That being said, even though it was absolute hell and relentless and I was hospitalized often, you do kind of get used to it and the baby was the best decision ever. I did consider termination at one particularly bad point but figured if people could get through chemo I could persevere with the pregnancy.

That being said, there's always a chance it will continue and termination for any reason is a woman's right. You have to decide if you want the baby enough to endure, and if you don't then that's your answer.

rvby · 23/07/2020 22:20

What are you unsure about regarding the pregnancy/ having a baby OP? Can you explain what your doubts are?

Original poster
mrt1981 · 23/07/2020 22:21

@AriettyHomily

You will not feel this ill for long. You need to decide whether you really want a baby. It is your body and your decision.

How would you feel if you terminated and then had issues conceiving in the future?

Tbh I have already decided if I terminate this one then I want to be sterilised. Never want to do this again.
OP posts:
Clumsyduck · 23/07/2020 22:21

I felt horrific in all my pregnancies right from the start so if you want kids bare in mine any pregnancy could be like this

Il be honest I am pro choice but wouldn’t terminate a pregnancy for this reason no way . It is your body though of course

Pp are right the real question is do you want a child right now

mrsmonkey14 · 23/07/2020 22:22

Please visit the hyperemesis support board on Mumsnet. If it is your sickness making you consider a termination, you may find emotional support AND advice about how to access the right sickness drugs makes a difference to you.
Also see www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/

You don’t say what drugs you were offered. Unfortunately with severe pregnancy sickness you often have to fight / try different ones until you find what works for you.
This could make a real difference to you and allow you the space to consider whether the illness is clouding your thoughts about whether you want a baby or not.
Take care of yourself

isthisoveryet · 23/07/2020 22:22

The first trimester is hard. I have planned every pregnancy and I still had those doubts that you’re having. I wondered if it was worth it, if aborting would be the better thing to do, imagined the relief following an abortion, resented all the updates on pregnancy apps that showed the development of the embryo.

I knew deep down I did actually want the baby and so carried on, and the feelings lifted at about 13/14 weeks to the polar opposite - giddy excitement about the pregnancy and meeting the baby.

Only you know what your deep down feeling is. But don’t underestimate the fact that the first trimester is emotionally hard work and tests your resilience. Maybe you could contact BPAS or Marie Stopes and have a chat with a counsellor to try and unpick things?

suriv · 23/07/2020 22:22

Having been through two pregnancies, the first very little sickness, the second HG, laid in bed from 4 weeks to 16 weeks, vomiting every time I stood up, I know how you feel. I spent a lot of time contemplating a termination. But I knew how much I wanted another baby. And at 16weeks it turned off like a switch.

QuentinWinters · 23/07/2020 22:22

Oh poor you Flowers
I felt exactly like this with ds1, it passed at 10 weeks, but its miserable. I remember really hoping he would be twins so I never had to do it again.
It doesn't sound like you want a termination deep down. One day at a time, you are already 20% there so even if you are sick all the way thru (which you won't be) you've done a big chunk.
Eat what you like and makes you ok, I lived off melon and ginger beer. Hang in there

MsEllany · 23/07/2020 22:23

YANBU to terminate for this reason. Your body, your choice - and you’re absolutely right, as early as possible is best.

AppleKatie · 23/07/2020 22:23

www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/

Have a look at this website. Phone the helpline.

Maybe you do want to terminate. Maybe it’s the illness talking. This amazing charity and also the HG threads on here (do diagnosis needed for support) can help you make the right decision for you.

Mangofandangoo · 23/07/2020 22:23

During my first trimester I was green 🤢 literally nothing helped, then suddenly at 12 weeks it all just disappeared and life got much easier. Sorry you're feeling shitty OP you don't have to justify anything

Theyweretheworstoftimes · 23/07/2020 22:23

I have been there. I have been you. I was sick 50 times a day. I couldn't walk or clean my teeth. I couldn't get out of bed for months on end. A HG pregnancy almost killed me.

I begged for a termination. I begged my husband to help me as I couldn't cope.

I struggled for the first twenty months of parenting, I had PTSD and PND.

My toddler is the light of my being. She was worth it.

I had social services intervention and mental health crisis teams.

But I came out the other side and it's worth it.

It's so worth it. PM me if you want to talk

QuentinWinters · 23/07/2020 22:25

Oh and I had 2 more children and it wasn't as bad so its not necessarily the case all pregnancies will be the same

Original poster
mrt1981 · 23/07/2020 22:27

@Almostfifty

How long have you been feeling like this? You might be like this with every pregnancy, have you thought about that?

Things do usually get better in the second trimester, hopefully you will too.

It's totally your decision, but it's worth thinking about very carefully.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you and yours.

Thankyou. It’s been like this since 4 weeks gone. I have already decided there will be no more pregnancies ever regardless of whether or not I go through with this or not.
OP posts:
MotherofPearl · 23/07/2020 22:28

OP, pregnancy sickness is just so debilitating and hideous. I really feel for you.

I think - as others have said - you need to try to think about whether you really want a baby or not. If it wasn't for the sickness, how would you feel about having a baby?

If it's the sickness that's the main obstacle, please join the wonderful and very long running hyperememis support group on here, run by LucindaE. She and the women on there have a wealth of knowledge and understand just how terrible the sickness can be. It got me through two hyperemesis pregnancies. And please see your GP for better meds.
Most people find Ondansetron the best. Sounds like you have Cyclizine which can make you drowsy at first (this often fades after a week or two).

Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

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