AIBU to terminate my pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

[mrt1981]

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant. At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

I was sick for the whole 40 weeks and 4 days. Vomiting every day, exhausted, in physical pain. At 9 weeks i too had the panic that i didnt want the baby, despite having planned her. DD is now 8m and so, so so so worth it.

I’m so sorry to hear you feel this way. Take all the sickness away- do you want a child? Because if you did have a termination I would be worried that you would regret it in the future.
I know several people who had terrible HG, most of them felt a lot better by 14-16 weeks. I wasn’t particularly ill but again for me it really did switch off very suddenly.
It’s 100% your body your choice. Important to consider your dh’s POV too though.

Another to add, at 12-14 weeks the feeling of utter shit/sick/sleeping 12 hours a day does lift and then munchies kick in.

You need to seriously think about whether you want this baby. From your post saying you'd get sterilised to avoid feeling like this ever again, you need to do some careful thinking. This might well pass. You're early pregnant and you weren't exactly preventing. Maybe consider an early scan and see how you feel looking at the screen, if you don't feel you can carry on until your 12 week scan. At 8 weeks you've only really been pregnant for 6 and want to be sterilised... labour is no picnic. Nor is caring for a newborn feeling ill from sleep deprivation. It's your choice OP but if this isn't for you then stick to prevention in future.

Before you decide anything I think you need to speak to your GP again. There are other things you can try.

I decided I was absolutely 100% never doing another pregnancy after the sickness went on for all three trimesters (the exhaustion didn't).

After 5 years I decided it was worth doing again and I was right.

Go back to GP tell them how you are feeling- maybe some counselling could help but also ask for different tablets- I tried a few before I got something that worked for me. Also try acupuncture if you can during lockdown it was a lifesaver for me

I've been there and I didn't consider termination but I wished to miscarry often. I got through it one day (one second really) at a time. I knew I did want to have a child, so every day done was one I didn't have to do again. Imagine you terminated, then next year started thinking that you really wanted a baby. You'd have to start again from day one. I know you say you would just be sterilised, but you might feel differently afterwards*. I vowed daily that it would be my only pregnancy. Seconds after the birth, I felt fine again and already wanted more babies!

*Btw I hate when people tell women "oh you'll change your mind" in regards to this type of this - but I'm just telling you my experience.

I'm glad I did it and I love being a mum now. But if that's not the right choice for you, fair enough.

As someone who had HG with all my pregnancies, I can completely understand for someone women why they make the decision to terminate because of how their feeling.

The statistics are on your side for the first trimester tiredness and sickness to be over in a month and the likelihood is you'll have to wait 1 to 2 weeks for an abortion so please base this decision on if you want to be a mother because that last a lifetime.

Im really sorry you are feeling so ill, it must awful and seem never ending, totally get why you want it to stop and make it go away .
In your shoes I would try and think about do I want a child and would I be happy to continue pregnancy if I felt well ?
If the answer to those questions is yes than i would continue with the pregnancy, normally the sickness improves by the start of the second trimester.
If the answer is no, and you are absolutely certain and its not just the sickness talking then i would consider an abortion. Bare in mind though that you may suffer just as much sickness in subsequent pregnancies.
It may be that if your OH wants the baby an abortion may drive a wedge between you but equally you cant become a mother just to please him, its something you are going to want for yourself. Good luck

Sorry to say it might get worse. My sickness was horrendous until 21 weeks and now at 34 weeks I'm still being sick a few times a week. I haven't felt normal since 2nd Jan and can't wait for it to be over. Sadly, pregnancy just isn't pleasant for some people.

Oh love, I went through this with my daughter. Ended up hospitalised on a drip just to get some fluid in me. One day someone suggested a Stemetil shot and it worked a dream. I felt back to normal within a few hours.
With my 2 boys, I wasnt sick at all.
It was a horrible time but she is 22 now and my best friend. I'm so glad i persevered but you must do what is right for you.
I wish you well.

With my DD I was sick every single day from before I even knew I was pregnant right up to & including the day she was born. That was from Christmas Eve until
August 10th. A long time.

I agree with others. The only question really is - do you want a child? Do you want to be a mum?

If not, then terminate. Motherhood is not for everyone. There is no shame in that.

If yes, I’d carry on. There’s certainly no guarantee a subsequent pregnancy would be any easier.

Your body, your choice. I don’t feel I have the right to tell a stranger whether they should continue a pregnancy or make any promises, but I cN share my own experience.

Hated pregnancy. Every minute of it (almost). People continually told me the sickness would pass, I was very unlucky and it didn’t. No drugs helped, it was so hugely overwhelming to feel that unwell so constantly. I had really dark thoughts and I also wondered if I was doing the right thing. I think pregnancy sickness and discomfort is so underestimated.
Ice Lollies massively helped me but when I finished one it would come back so I sat for hours at night eating 10 or 20 rocket lollies one after the other.
The later months when you feel kicks etc help a bit with the morale.
I then had SPD on top of hyperemises so it was vile and honestly traumatic being pregnant and I would never, ever ever do it again. Birthed a 10lb baby, naturally and would take that labour over A day of pregnancy any day.

However, what I can tell you is that by the time my daughter was weeks old, I was shocked by how the memories of being pregnant started to fade. It was SO awful that I thought I’d never forget but I have now (a year in) no real memory of how awful it really was. I know it was, I can’t remember it thought. Must be biology trying to trick us into doing it again.

I will never get pregnant again, and it is absolutely ok to hate being pregnant.

But... she was worth it. So so so worth it. And in the grand scheme of things, it’s a year of your life, and you will forget all of it. Please talk to people and share how hard you are finding it. You’ll be amazed how many people bloody hated pregnancy. It doesn’t mean you hate the baby. It doesn’t make you a monster. It’s just totally sh it being pregnant.

Morning sickness is so awful, and I can totally relate to how you feel. I was really ill with my first and it felt like it lasted forever. I really couldn’t handle it and the only time I ever felt relief oddly enough (apart from those moments after spewing!) was when I was driving! It carried on until I gave birth and then it immediately vanished.

It’s just crippling and you wonder how the hell women have managed this shit for so long and how on earth women manage to keep it a secret and even just generally hold down a job!

If you want to terminate then it’s your absolute right to do so. But, it WILL get better.

I had 2 more after my first and subsequent pregnancies became far easier. But even with DS2 I still felt awful for 3 months, until it suddenly disappeared!

I also had a termination after DS3. I had a failed contraceptive, I absolutely did NOT want a 4th child. I couldn’t have coped. It was the right decision for me and I don’t ever regret it. DH wasn’t happy (I had to go through it all alone, nobody knew and DH wouldn’t come with me.) but it’s not his body.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Just try to take it easy and be good to yourself.

It is your body and your decision OP.

I will add that at 6 weeks I felt miserable and battled morning sickness. I just couldn't fathom feeling that way for an additional 34 weeks. I cried at 13 weeks when into my 2nd trimester and the morning sickness was still there. It only subsided at week 18 and came back again with a vengeance at the start of the 3rd trimester. I absolutely hated it. But it is a distant memory now and it passes and becomes more manageable.

You know what you can cope with OP, I honestly didn't think I'd be able to do it but I managed, that's not to say you will or won't, just my personal experience. It is completely up to you.

I had hyperemesis in three pregnancies, it may not pass entirely but it does improve. Are you on any antiemetics? I used ondansetron in my last pregnancy.

Can you ask a GP to prescribe carriban? Might have to pay private but worth it.

Sorry Cariban, seems to be called xoneva in UK. Have a read. Feel well soon.

www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/treatments/

Also I echo @Lalaloveyou2020 Xonvea saved my life when Cyclizine stopped working.

It's not unreasonable to have an abortion because you don't like the impact pregnancy has on you and to think it's not worth it in order to have a child.

I echo others on this thread who say that morning sickness does often calm down after twelve weeks and there is some help available. But I would also say that there is probably far worse in front of you if you do have a child - it may not feel as bad because you'll actually have a child you have a bond with there to mitigate the awfulness of it. But life with children is generally a sacrifice in a lot of ways. So if this feels too much, I think you might also want to think about whether you're really ready for a child anyway?

But, of course, ultimately it's your decision. An abortion isn't unreasonable, having the child isn't unreasonable. It's not a decision others can or should make for you.

There's nothing in your posts to indicate you want to be a parent so go ahead, terminate and have an honest conversation about his future with you if he wants children. And re-think your attitude towards contraception whilst waiting for the sterilisation.

*conversation with your dp.

Im my last pregnancy I again had Hyperemesis. I was prescribed cyclizine which worked for about 2 days. I then has crippling anxiety about the sickness and booked a termination. I stopped the tablets as something didn't feel right and after about 5 days I realised I did want the baby. Turned out I had a mental reaction to the cyclizine. I will never touch the stuff again. It didn't agree with me at all and I'll never forget how bad I felt, sobbing to not want the baby.

I DID have a termination in a previous pregnancy due to sickness. I now realise this was probably due to a reaction to the cyclizine.

If there is a small chance you do want this baby, review your meds before making any rash decisions. I absolutely support a woman's right to terminate any pregnancy for any reason.