AIBU to terminate my pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

[mrt1981]

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant. At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

I remember thinking this in the height of morning sickness - I’m very glad I didn’t do it but I completely understand how awful it is.

Try getting sea bands, they helped quite a bit when I felt rough. Also cranberry juice seemed to help. It’s just finding the one thing you can tolerate and settle that feeling.
You are at the worse point and it will get better. I felt much better by 12 weeks and fine by 20 and then you start feeling baby kick and it all becomes worth it. Also having the scan helps and you can see there really is a baby.

If you get a termination prepare for it to also be the end of your relationship. Your partner wants to have a child, for most people that is stronger than the desire to be with a particular person.

You've been given good advice on this thread and ultimately it's your decision but I wouldn't abort a baby for the reasons you've described.

I was prescribed anti sickness tablets and think I slept for about 3 weeks. After this the tiredness was gone and the tablets controlled the sickness. I had hyperemesis so was sick all the way through but once I got the right tablets, it was manageable.

I am pro choice and hope you get all the support you need right now.

Op I'm also on the view that termination will be the end of your relationship. If you are absolutely certain that you don't want a child then it will likely end your relationship.
If you want to be child free and he wants a child then you really aren't compatible as a couple.

You have to decide what you want for the future. Morning sickness will pass. Even if you are unlucky enough to have to put up with it for 7 months. The future is beyond that.

@BoomBoomsCousin I think it’s a bit unfair to imply that if the OP is feeling sick and finding pregnancy hard, that she would find being a parent too hard and not be ready to be a parent. I had HG my entire pregnancy, throwing up blood, IV fluids, lost a lot of weight etc, felt truly awful etc. That was much harder than the early days of parenting my twins. And it had no baring on whether I could handle parenthood.

@mrt1981 I hope you feel better soon. I really suggest you see what other treatment options there are. And I completely understand if you feel you can’t go through with the pregnancy. I felt that way many times when I was pregnant. For me, I’m glad I continued, but I would never go through pregnancy again. I agree with previous posters that it might help to work out if you would want to go through with your pregnancy if you weren’t feeling ill.

There’s a charity called pregnancy sickness support uk (assuming you’re in the UK). They were invaluable to me when I was pregnant. I was so sick I felt like I was dying whilst pregnant and was hospitalised several times, but once they got the drugs right, it was manageable.

I hope things work out for you

@mrt1981 so sorry you are feeling this way.

Agree with PP you should really think about whether you want this baby or not, with or without the sickness and symptoms.
Don’t let anyone pressure you.

I also think Mumsnet should move this thread from AIBU.

OP, I completely understand you. I had two pregnancies like this, I hated every second of those nine months. I couldn't understand why anybody would want a second of that. I had zero feelings for my children during my pregnancy (hard to have if you're stuck on the toilette or in bed because you have no will to live), and it took me a month after birth to fall in love with them. I had second only because my husband wanted one, I would have been happy with just one.

Three months after my second birth I went to sterilization and it was one of the happiest days of my life.

Good luck OP. In my case it was worth it, but I would never ever do that again.

In both my pregnancies 8 weeks was the worst time - I was signed off at this point with both due to vomiting. With my first I ended up diagnosed with HG and I totally understand why someone would terminate to stop it. I've never felt to awful in my life. In my second, the sickness went at 16w and I felt pretty much ok after that. I believe you need to do what's best for you. For me, I continued with my pregnancies and am so happy with my boys. Imo pregnancy is the hardest bit of parenting! But if you think it's not for you then don't feel guilty or bad. No one should have to go through with a pregnancy that they don't want. Good luck with whatever you decide.

If you don't want a baby don't have one for someone else. They are gruelling hard work for the rest of your life. I often wonder what my life would have been like without.

@TwiceAsNice22 I don't mean to imply that finding it hard means someone isn't fit to be a parent. I mean that thinking hardship isn't worth it for children means that parenthood may end up making you miserable and wishing you had made a different choice. Not everyone wants to sacrifice a huge amount for children and not wanting to is a good reason to decide not to have them. I think if that's the case abortion is a good decision.

At the worst of my sickness I was sick ten times a day - literally every bite of food or sip of water I tried to swallow. I genuinely thought I couldn't carry on that way any more. But I just kept going through one more day at a time, and I'm so glad I did. It does end and the baby is so definitely worth it.
Obviously if you don't want a baby then you do whatever is right for you and I do know people who have terminated over horrendous sickness, but it sounds like you and your partner want this baby. I worry you might always wonder what would have happened if you had kept going.
For me, I felt a lot better after 20 weeks but still felt nauseous in the mornings and threw up a couple of times a week until I gave birth. I would still do it again because I know I can, and I know how worth it it is.

Goodness, I remember being eight weeks, hadn't eaten in days, head down the toilet feeling unable to cope with the next 32 weeks. But I did, and I'm glad I did as I have the most amazing two boys, as my second successful pregnancy was fine. You might be in for a rough ride but it's worth it when you're holding that baby in your arms x

I don’t think you are being unreasonable as having a child is a huge step and you need to think about the whole reason you are considering this, not just how ill you feel now.
My eldest child was unplanned and not good timing at all, I decided to keep her very early on but had many moments of “what am I doing? I’m ruining my life” when pregnant, I’ve never for a moment regretted her though, even though I am no longer with her father, so having doubts in pregnancy doesn’t mean you won’t be a great mum, but it’s also not a crime to decide a child right now isn’t something you or your relationship is ready for

With my second baby I had horrendous sickness.

He was very much planned and wanted, it took 11 months to fall pregnant with him and initially I was overjoyed.

However, three weeks after I found out I was pregnant the sickness started and it was unbearable. It got worse and worse and I even had to move out of my family home and go and stay with my mom for a while because I physically couldn’t look after my first child (who was almost 3). I couldn’t eat or drink anything, I could barely move, I was exhausted and I was constantly being sick.

I can’t explain how ill I felt.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this now, but at the time it was so bad that I used to fantasise about a miscarriage just so I wouldn’t have to keep living like this. I couldn’t see the sickness ever coming to an end, and like you, my thought process was that if there wasn’t a pregnancy then life would be better.

In hindsight I am very ashamed of how I felt, especially as I had already had a miscarriage about a year previous to that pregnancy, but I just wasn’t thinking clearly because of how unwell I was.

In my head I wanted the pregnancy gone and I felt like that even though it was a much wanted and planned for baby.

However, with me it was never about not wanting a baby, it was solely about not wanting to be pregnant anymore. I desperately wanted a baby but I just couldn’t foresee an end to how unwell I felt and I had no idea how I would cope if the sickness continued.

With you though, you are giving the impression not that you just don’t want the pregnancy but that you don’t want the baby either, of which it is absolutely fine to feel like this.

You have to do what is right for you but make sure that a termination isn’t a reaction to the sickness, but something you would choose to do whether you had morning sickness or not.

You are in a very difficult position and the decision you need to make seems surrounded by complications so you must be feeling very overwhelmed and unsure about the right course of action.

Ultimately though it comes down to the question of: do you want a baby? If in your heart you know that you don’t then have a termination.

If you are unsure about whether you want one or not then perhaps give it a bit more time to think about things and don’t use the sickness to trigger something that you may regret.

Many years ago I had a termination that I wasn’t 100% sure about and it led to a lot of guilt and for many years after it I struggled to cope with what I had done.

Is there anyone you can talk it through with? I’m not familiar with such helplines but are there any you can call to discuss pregnancy choices through with someone who can offer you a supportive ear?

The best of luck OP - I hope you are able to come to a decision and it’s the one that is right for you

I was pregnant unexpectedly and struggled really badly with the whole thing.
Nausea Was shocking until 12 weeks then poof! It just disappeared and I felt magicaL

I do think in retrospect that shock and anxiety probably made it worse.

I could have written your post when I was pregnant 3 years ago. I suffered horrendous sickness from 5/6 weeks and I just couldn't cope. I considered abortion daily even though we had planned to get pregnant, I just couldn't cope.

Somehow I got through it. I just went into survival mode I think.

Fast forward to now and I am lay in bed 30 weeks pregnant and listening to my beautiful son sing to himself from his bedroom.

Take it easy on yourself OP, whichever decision you make.

Many women who want a baby panic when they’re finally pregnant, so you are not alone in your thoughts.
Yes, morning sickness does not describe how shit you feel but in all of my pregnancies it was gone by 12 weeks.
I think it would be a mistake to terminate this pregnancy for feeling crap, but that’s my opinion. Good luck with your decision.

In my experience (second pregnancy but I know everyone's different), 8 weeks is the worst it gets in terms of sickness and fatigue.

OP I have been in your position. I understand exactly how you feel it is one of the worst things I have experienced. I ended up in hospital twice on a drip..my GP was useless. and yes I considered termination. but it did get better with the right medication. I was 39 and honestly had never had a big yearning for children. others posters have asked you to consider whether you truly want this child but that is a hard decision to make given your HG as it will cloud your judgement because it is so overwhelmingly bad.

My DD is now 11 and I love her more than I can say. I never had any more but I do not regret that.

Please go back to your gp. If they cannot or won't help then please go to A&E which is what I did twice. There is help out there.

Whatever you decide I wish you well.

The place you are in now is an awful place. I considered terminating my baby around a similar time to you (different issues). As others have said, they symptoms usually get better in 2nd trimester so it’s about if you can hang in until the symptoms pass. I definitely think you should be going back to your doctor for different tablets if these aren’t working.
I didn’t get bad sickness in pregnancy so I could be making a suggestion which is similar to putting a plaster on a hanging off arm, but have you tried full fat Coca Cola? It’s the only thing that got me through the lever of sickness I had during pregnancy

I was so horrendously sick with my 3rd dc at the beginning that I actually made a drs appointment to ask for a termination.

I really wanted the baby, she was planned. but felt so ill I just wanted it to stop. My dr prescribed me some tablets - can't remember what they were, but there ARE decent medications around that will help you feel better. It might be a case of trying a few. My sickness stopped at 13 weeks exactly and the rest of my pregnancy was fine. My dc3 is six now

Hang on in there

I second what @katnissK said "I ended up diagnosed with HG and I totally understand why someone would terminate to stop it. I've never felt to awful in my life. ".

My HG was over 11yrs ago and it still sends shivers down my spine. Utterly debilitating.

OP - you do what you need to do . But go over to the sickness thread in pregnancy as you might find a way to get through.

I hope I’m not too late to this thread and that you still read my comment OP.

I was you.
I got pregnant immediately into ‘trying’ which I had not expected and it really took me by surprise. Even my GP had braced me for a long process due to issues with my cycle.

By week 7 I’d been signed off work, I was SOOO sick with constant nausea and I was MISERABLE. By week 10 I wanted to die. I went to bed at 6pm because I was desperate to not be awake anymore life felt like a nightmare and my body felt possessed by a parasite determined to kill me.

My DH was supportive but he really did want the baby.

I ended up in a Dr’s chair asking about termination and I cried (into my bucket). The GP was lovely and told me a friend of his had also terminated due to hyperemesis and it was totally understandable. I clung on to the 12 week scan praying it would ease off around that stage and somehow seeing my baby would make me bond more.

Neither happened.

By 14 weeks I was still as miserable, non of the medication really worked, I reacted horribly to cyclizine and that scarred me.

I had been this happy, healthy, outgoing, mid twenties woman and suddenly I was this weak, sickly, isolated, housebound invalid!

A midwife said to me ‘If this puts you off having children there is no shame in that’ and my immediate response was ‘... Ofc I’ll have children just not this one. I can’t cope with being this sick’
She then very gently explained to me that having been this sick once would likely mean I’d be pretty unwell with other pregnancy’s too. (Hyperemesis tends to come back, at varying levels but still).
I went away and did some reading to confirm. It’s not 100% you get it every time but it’s 90%+

DS is now almost 5 months. I was sick until week 30 ish and even after that I was still unwell, just not violently.

If I had been able to see my life without kids and be happy with that I would have terminated. But I couldn’t and therefore I was going to have to go through it at some point. It was shit but 6 weeks after DS arriving I felt exactly like I had before pregnancy.

Do what’s right for you OP, there is no shame in either choice but do bare in mind that you’re likely to react a similar way to future pregnancies (others on here will tell you they didn’t but they’re the exception not the rule I’m afraid.

I was very ill with my DC so understand how crap you can feel OP. I also wasn't very maternal and worried like you had I made the right decision.
Luckily for me I felt so much better by 12/13 weeks. Now I have two DC so I went through it twice. They are so worth it for me and despite not being maternal in the slightest (I'm still useless with other people's children) with mine it's different.