AIBU to terminate my pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

[mrt1981]

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant. At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

OP I had exactly the same feelings. This is my third so I know I'll suffer all the way through because its happened twice before, this time it's even worse. I'm on my second and third type of medication combined, but yes it makes me very tired. I could move on to the next type of medication because I'm 13 weeks now but I'm not sure if there is much point.
You do what you need to do. I'm ploughing in through because I know I would regret a termination, but I'm really struggling to feel attached to this pregnancy (not like my first 2) perhaps because we had very much decided we were sticking at 2, and I had really put myself off having anymore.
If you feel like you want to carry on with the pregnancy, keep pushing the doctors for something different. There are quite a few different medications. I had 3 in about 2 weeks. I still don't feel great, but I can eat a bigger range of foods now and the tiredness does wear off a bit.

It's obviously your choice but no I wouldn't terminate based on sickness and tiredness. I'm 9 weeks with twins and feel blood awful but know it will pass and the end result more than makes up for a few weeks of feeling like this

Bear in mind that terminating and sterilising could also end your relationship as it would be unfair to expect your partner to give up on his dream of being a father too

@mrt1981 it sounds like you are suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum. There are several medicines you can try that may help ease the symptoms.

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with hg, it is at its worst between 8 and 12 weeks mentally for me, and I often consider termination. It has been worse this time as it is an unplanned pregnancy. My NHS scan is very late and seemed impossibly far away but I was able to have a private scan last week which really helped me connect with the baby a bit more and was a bit of a boost mentally.

Come over to the hyperemesis support board, there are lots on there who can offer help and advice. And there are women who come on the board who go onto terminate. There isn't any judgement, we all know the living hell that hg is.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3908440-Hyperemesis-Support?pg=28

But I would also say that there is probably far worse in front of you if you do have a child
Spoken as someone who hasn't had morning sickness
It amazes me that women don't talk about it more actually. I was so ill that in normal circumstances I would have been at home in bed. Couldn't eat (apart from an hour at lunchtime). Couldnt brush my teeth without puking. Couldnt sleep. Walked for miles at 6am retching and spitting because fresh air and movement were the only things that distracted me. Then having to try to be normal at work because I was first trimester and its "just morning sickness".
My boss chewed me out for persistent lateness in front of the whole team when he knew the reason I was late was the morning sickness.
DS is 15 now and lots of things about parenting him have been hard. But actually, nothing about motherhood was as physically debilitating as those couple of months of sickness (and I had a hard labour, 3rd degree tear and surgical repair after his birth).
Don't minimise how shit morning sickness is.

I really sympathise with you OP, as I was one of those unfortunate people who had HG through much of pregnancy. It is awful- the turning point for me was being prescribed 2 anti emetics (cyclizine and ordansetron), which kept the vomiting at bay most of the time. I still felt nauseous and exhausted but I was able to keep food down most of the time.

Maybe tell the doctor how strongly you feel about terminating and push for a change in medication (if you want to keep the baby, no judgement here if you don't). Best of luck

@madcatladyforever

If you don't want a baby don't have one for someone else. They are gruelling hard work for the rest of your life. I often wonder what my life would have been like without.

Well yes. Months and years of no sleep, more years of never having a second to yourself and so on. Never being able to pop to the pub on a sunny afternoon.

The positives outweigh the hardship for many people, but it’s good to be aware that the tough times you are having now may carry on for a long long time.

You need to focus on whether you really want this baby.

I think if at this point you’re not sure, then maybe that’s your answer. Good luck with whatever you choose.

The first tri is awful. I found that whilst my sickness and nausea didn’t completely leave until 16 weeks, from 11 weeks it started to ease and the fog lifted a little. It got better week by week after that point. Yes, it is possible to be ill all the way through but the majority get better early in second tri. Try not to base your decision on how ill you’re feeling right now. It’s awful, but it’s highly likely you’ll start to feel better in a few weeks rather than months... try and base your decision on whether you want a child or not. Hope you’re feeling better really soon. xxx

You really need some professional help with this. Feeling sick is awful, I had the same for my dc, but after 9 months when the baby was born, it was forgotten & the joy of the baby was incredible.

Do you ever want children? Because it's possible you will experience these symptoms with every pregnancy you have. So your making the decision to never have children, not just this one.

I suffered with this too.
Was being sick in excess of 25 times a day at some points. Crawled to the toilet on my hands and knees because being stood up set me off and I just didn’t have the energy to stand up.
Even the thought of eating made me retch.
It was overwhelming and at the time Kate Middleton was going through the same and the comments I read on social media gave me the rage.

There isn’t enough sympathy for women who go through this.

Mine ended around 18 weeks, it was the hardest time of my life.

I’d completely understand if you terminated, but when you look back- it is, just a very small aspect of your life.

The sickness wouldn’t exactly end immediately after terminating either.

I had a really rough pregnancy with my first. The puking (mostly) stopped at 16 weeks.

This WILL pass. It’s shit but it will.

I have just lost a pregnancy. I still feel like shit two weeks on, not being sick but feeling it, still dog tired. So don’t expect that your symptoms will disappear overnight. You might terminate and find you’re still not well when the symptoms would have been easing off anyway if you were still pregnant.

OP.

I completely sympathise with you, I have 3 girls. With all three of them the sickness kicked in full force at 6 weeks, by the third one I'd learned a few tricks to help cope.

You'll find that you feel worse when you're tired or hungry. I found dry crackers or ginger biscuits particularly helpful to nibble on. Keep a pack by the bed and before you get up have a nibble if you can stomach it.

Ice cold drinks. Often sugar free lemonade with plenty of ice helped.

Keep well away from triggering smells... Difficult if like me you can smell a black bin from within your house. If it's food that triggers it (meat) then I got around this by temporarily going veggie because I just could not stand the smell of meat cooking.

Go for a walk or sit in the garden (if you have one) fresh air does wonders for pregnancy sickness. Take a couple of biscuits with you and a bottle of chilled water or squash.

Ginger. Of any kind is well know for its nausea relief properties. Ginger biscuits, fresh ginger tea or ginger snaps.

You're currently right in the middle of it, hun, your feeling so ill because your body is working hard to grow this beautiful little baby. It doesn't last forever, and even if you are one of the unfortunate ones, what is 9 Months out of the rest of your life.

I had the most horrific sickness with all three of my girls. But with all of the the sickness literally vanished overnight a 14 weeks.

However, if you can't cope. Then it is entirely your decision, although you do need to let the father voice his opinion, ultimately its your choice.

Just think long and hard about the future.

Do you ever want to be a mother?

Will you ever want to be a mother?

Would you regret a termination down the line and then want another baby? (this is a question you can't answer now because you're not thinking clearly)

You need to be absolutely 100% sure you don't want a BABY to terminate... Not 100% sure you don't want the sickness.

Best of luck on whatever you decide OP, remember it's entirely your choice.

I had hyperemesis (hg) with both of me very much planned, drs thought a baby wouldn't happen baby. It was brutal. At 16 weeks I cried on the bathroom floor and would have terminated there and then. However, I got through them and I am so glad I did. It does pass but it is hard work. My friend who currently had it for the third time is now having steroids. It has worked wonders and reduced a lot of the sickness.

I would never, ever judge as I know how hard it really is and you just do not know unless you have been there but I would ask about the steroids so you have a completely informed decision.

One tip from me is suck on ice cubes as they numb the mouth and give you hydration.

Good luck x

I have just lost a pregnancy. I still feel like shit two weeks on, not being sick but feeling it, still dog tired. So don’t expect that your symptoms will disappear overnight. You might terminate and find you’re still not well when the symptoms would have been easing off anyway if you were still pregnant.

This is a really important point. The symptoms may not disappear immediately and psychologically that could be very difficult for you. I sympathise so much! I just kept saying to myself this is terrible but next week it might stop and then one week it did!

I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant. It was absolute hell for the first 20 weeks. I wanted to terminate. I wished for a miscarriage (which I know is awful but I was in a bad way; physically and mentally).

Things do get better. I promise.

If you terminate, once you’ve had the time and space to feel better, and the sickness is a memory, will you find yourself always wondering if the sickness would have alleviated after a few more weeks, or do you think you will be at peace with your decision?

I’ve had a fair few pregnancies and find the first weeks very rocky, emotionally. I have wanted to terminate on a few occasions, but struggled because I know that my emotions are all over the place in the first trimester and I find it really difficult to work out how I really feel. Thinking straight can be really hard in the first trimester.

If your sickness is the only / main issue, I would definitely go back to the GP and try some different medications. Chances are you will feel somewhat better after 14 weeks, you may still have some sickness but it’s usually more manageable than the first trimester.

I'm another one who was pregnant with a planned and very much wanted baby, yet found this option creeping into my mind because of how awful my hyperemesis was. I was also one of the unlucky few that you dread becoming - who had sickness the entire pregnancy, not just the first trimester. But it wasn't a case of the way you feel right now for the entire pregnancy - the 2nd and 3rd trimesters were way more manageable. I went from being sick 4 times a day to just a couple of times a week, and the constant nausea disappeared entirely. Basically, I was able to function as normal 99% of the time - I would just get the occasional, "Uh-oh, I'm about to be sick" - do it, and get on with my day again. Literally 10 minutes of sickness a week, when before it had been 24/7.

I know everyone's experiences are different, but just wanted you to know that "sick for the whole 9 months" isn't necessarily the nightmare that it sounds.

I can honestly say I felt like I was dying at 8 weeks, truly. I was terrified. There were quite a lot of days where I couldn’t even lift my head off the pillow - I wasn’t vomiting much, had horrific nausea but the main issue was the fatigue and just general feeling of serious illness. Only thing I can liken it to was having acute pancreatitis except I felt worse pregnant.

Found out at 12 weeks I was having twins which may be why I felt quite so awful.

I must say that I felt so much better once the placentas were properly up and running and from about 15 weeks I felt more well than I have in years (downhill slope in third trimester just due to ridiculous size and SPD but I didn’t feel ill).

Only you can decide what’s best for you but I do understand how awful it can be.

Felt better at 14 weeks all sickness and hatred of my DH gone at 16. Honestly I had my energy back and felt like a new Women. It's all consuming the early days, but it's worth it. An abortion won't make you instantly feel better, it takes a couple of week for the hormones to return to normal and for you to get a negative pregnancy test again.

Lots of people have mentioned morning sickness but it is nothing compared to Hg.

I understand completely OP but I do think you will regret it afterwards as Hg changes the way you think as you feel so ill.

I would have another child as I know it ends even though I could vomit 50 times a day, was in constant pain and nausea every waking second, the drugs didn't work, I was hospitalised. I lost 4 stone in first pregnancy and lost nearly 6 stone in second pregnancy and had to delivery early as my body could not take anymore.

Believe me every day lying in my bed I wished to die but I also knew it would be over. At the lowest point I did ask the visiting midwife to leave me alone and allow me to die.

I think you would regret it. Hg in many women does ease up a bit in second trimester and again in third. You may still be ill but not to the same degree. That was my first pregnancy. Second one it lasted till I got induced and I delivered early because of it.

From 28 weeks I saw a consultant weekly and they were just measuring and checking maturity to see when I could deliver. At 32 weeks they said baby was about 4.5lbs but go a little longer if I could, husband convinced me to keep going. I made it to 35 weeks, she was 6 lb 2 so a very good size for early.

Thank-you to every single person who took the time to tell me about their own experiences. I am definitely finding it hard to think straight. I am going to see a councillor on Monday

OP you may have hyperemesis gravid arum. I had this with both pregnancies and despite them being planned and much wanted I had thoughts about termination because I felt so bad. Most people even with hyperemesis aren't sick for the whole pregnancy, and even for those who are, it's usually not as bad later in the pregnancy as in the beginning. It is going to be hard to make a decision about whether you want a baby when you are feeling so awful. I think you should go back to the GP and try more medications. They may have given you cyclazine as a first prescription, but that isn't all that effective often for people who have bad HG. There is ondansetron, which is a strong one and effective for a lot of people. I took omeprazole in my second pregnancy, which isn't a commonly prescribed one but it really worked. It wasn't a 100% cure but it got me back to eating, drinking and working and I felt 80% better. There are medicines out there and if possible I think you should find an effective one so you don't feel so bad as you weigh up the decision.

Good luck for Monday, op.

I haven't read the full thread - but please contact pregnancy sickness support charity - they are fantastic and won't judge anything you are saying. It's not uncommon for women with severe pregnancy sickness to feel this bad and to be admitted to hospital for medication and fluids via a drip, so please reach out to the charity and take their advice x

I have not had HG but I did feel really, really awful in first trimester with both pregnancies - probably worst I've felt although I will caveat that by saying some of the baby/toddler illnesses my DC1 brought home have crippled me too (like Hand Foot and Mouth, flu and repeated vomiting bugs) and that is also extraordinarily hard with no help and DC to look after

But first trimester really is horrendous. I know some will tell you it carried on for them but for the majority of women it does end at the end of the first trimester. For me about week 14. I feel fine now (I'm now near third trimester) and did first time early on too. As others have mentioned you may find the sickness subsides a similar time whether you now have an abortion or continue the pregnancy so I would base your decision on wanting the baby or not rather than anything else

Good luck whatever you decide