DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

I don't want to hurt him or be the reason he has to leave his kids purely because I don't want to move.

• You are not hurting him by not putting his wishes above your own - you are being an autonomous equal adult.
• He doesn't have to leave his kids - he is choosing to embark on a major change for which he hasn't secured your agreement.
• There's nothing purely about you not wanting to move; moving from a middle class neighbourhood to one which isn't, three hours away from family that your children are accustomed to seeing frequently, away from familiar schools and friends, is not something to be minimised because it isn't a small matter - you are entitled to not move if you don't want to and if you think it is not right for your children. People normally do this out of financial necessity not by choice. It actually sounds as if this move will be financially disadvantageous to all of you. (What opportunities such as part time jobs will your children have when they are teenagers? And how will this limit their options later?) This is not just moving from one street to another nearby; this is a massive lifestyle change.

You are important in your own right and his happiness should not be at the expense of yours. You are not responsible his happiness (and he clearly doesn't feel responsible for yours!).

Your choice of words suggests you are unimportant in this relationship.

What strikes me most amongst the abusive behaviour you describe is that you are not both taking on the mortgage - I find that odd in a long-term relationship if it is a relationship of equals.

The other thing that really stands out is he does not seem to be thinking of your children at all. Can you use your maternal energy to help you overcome the reasons you have previously remained in the relationship? Because however much you don't want to hurt him I am sure you really don't want to damage your children. Moving somewhere so different, not to mention leaving behind their family, friends and schools, could be disastrous for your children.

Lastly, now is not a good time to move away from your family due to the pandemic: there is economic insecurity, affecting jobs and house prices; you may need practical support from the family or they may need yours, if anyone becomes ill. You don't need to move, and to do so at the moment in these circumstances is placing too low a value on your and your children's futures.

I wish you strength and agency.

Stay right where you are OP...

Let him buy the house and move there, and then change the locks on yours

I like that idea.

But even if it was just the move that was the issue, I brought my dd up in a rough area because the house was cheap and then I couldn't sell it. It was horrible for her. But if I'd had boys I would have definitely had to move. Boys seem to be much more influenced by the atmosphere in a rough area.

Stay put.
He sound incredibly manipulative.
Be thankful your finances are not linked. If this ends in a split or divorce he may have a claim to your assets anyway. Get some legal advice and protect yourself.
Good luck. Sounds tough but moving away from your network will make your life harder as you seem to rely on and get on with family. Do you really want to be isolated with such a deceptive man?
Hugs to you

I have only read your posts Op, wishing you the best of luck. From someone who has been in the same position:

• Don’t move away from your network or support, if things are going to blow off, they better do where you are not alone.
• If things are this bad, they are not going to improve if you move, things will get worse when is only you and him in a remote place. There is no doubt you will be unhappy if forced to move against your will, be clear about this: Things are going to end, they will better end now than 2 years down the line when things are far more complicated and with more upheaval to your kids. If you are not going to be able to easily move back, it is better not to move at all.
• REMEMBER: He hasn’t lock you down or chained you to the sofa, you are free to leave, the only walls that keep you in are those he has put on your mind after years of eroding your confidence and conditioning to do as he pleases or else.

Is he basing the mortgage on your wage too? If you know the provider, you can contact them to say you won’t be contributing.

Honestly, he’s being a selfish arse to do this. He’s the one wrecking everything, not you. Check the online calculator to see if you can afford the current house/ bills etc alone. Please don’t let him bully you into moving. He sounds violent and abusive. I hope you do contact Women’s Aid. Good luck, you sound like you have the children’s best interests at heart, unlike him.

@Iwalkinmyclothing

Can he even just rent it out if he buys it? Don't you need a certain kind of mortgage for that?

Apparently if we move he will cover all bills and I'll cover food from the child benefit and DS' DLA. If I need money I can ask him for it

Oh god op, the house stuff aside- that isn't good.

That is very bad!

Do not move to another part of the country with absolutely no way to support yourself and being solely reliant on a partner you have already said is steam rolling and freely admits to manipulating people to his point of view!

I was already going to reply but il finish reading and com back first but I wanted to add this as it is an important separate point!

OP, please have another adult there when you end the relationship. It's not enough to have a friend at the end of a phone. Can they be there with you?

You and your children deserve far more

I'm glad I waited to read the whole thing properly now.

The thread has moved on considerably since starting.

You have had a lot of great advice and I really hope now you are writing it down it has helped you to recognise how bad things really are.

whatever he decides to do about this house it's nothing for you to focus on because I think you have reached the point that actually it's time for you and the children to not be living with him anymore.

Get in touch with dv organisations women's aid or a local one, get some support.

Try if you can to gather (without setting him off) important paperwork and passports etc.

You and them deserve better than this

Thanks all.

Will be phoning womens aid/refuge tomorrow

Thank you again. This has been an eye opener

@Bouledeneige

So he doesn't want to live where you are and you don't want to live where he wants to.

He wants to buy a house which long term makes more financial sense for your family. You want to rent. Paying for rent when you're older living on on a pension will be much harder than it is now. Especially if you are not in a couple (if you break up and don't find a new partner).

You went to see a house and said it was nice. However did you tell him not to make an offer? Were you standing by or did he do it in secret? I know you told him not to up his offer but you did need to be firm from the outset, as clearly he is trying to railroad you.

Decisions for your family need to be made in the interests of the whole family.

So your options are clear - sit down and discuss them with him. Are there any compromises that you could agree on or are you going to break up? What are best best interests if the children in that scenario and how will you ensure their wellbeing and happiness?

You might want to read the OP's posts.

@Hamm87

Sorry I am going totally against the grain but can you not try to see if you like it etc and the kids should get a choice too sorry but its all about your wants and needs not his a house is for family not just him but he has need too and you don't care

Yes you're going against the grain.

Her partner is abusive and impulsive.

Have you read the thread?

To be honest, OP, I'd be worried that he will smash the place up. I'd take the kids to your friend's house, call the police and tell them that you need him removed from the property as he is violent and you are worried for your safety. Once he's out the way, change locks etc. Tell him it's over when he has been removed. Or once you know the police are there. Call 101 and ask for advice on how to do this once you are at your friend's. Good luck.

He's awful. I was going to say, before I rtft, but after seeing your comment it was withernsea.. don't fucking move there!! I was born there and honestly it's the most dull and isolated place I've ever been to. My mum still talks about how much she would love to move back there... absolute hell on earth in my eyes. When we go and visit I'm ready to come home in a day!

Hope you're ok OP. Wish you the best of luck remember you deserve better than this xx

Do not move. Educate yourself on coercive control. End your relationship. Live happily.

Withernsea is dull as dishwater.

Sorry to anyone from Withernsea.

Good luck with women’s aid and talking to him. Please keep yourself and your family safe. This is not a good man.

There is a similar thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3846695-AIBU-not-to-want-to-live-where-my-boyfriend-has-chosen-to-live

Don’t go. I was pushed into moving hours away from where I live a few years ago, and into giving up a beloved, well paid job as well. Now I’m bored where I live and I don’t really like my job and I can’t see how I can get home. I’m disgusted with myself for getting into this situation especially as I knew it was a bad idea at the time. Good luck OP.

I'm totally baffled. My husband wouldn't so much as book a viewing on a house without talking it through with me. That's not normal behaviour.

OP, you might want to start a new thread in relationships about being in an abusive relationship. There’s a lot of support over there (obviously there is on this thread too but you’re also going to get a steady stream of ‘why did you view the house?’, don’t move there, it’s rubbish’ comments from those who haven’t RTFT.

I'm so glad you've had some helpful responses. Sometimes you just need someone to point out the wood in the trees. He's abusive. Your child ran away and locked himself in the bathroom because he was so scared - and your partner broke the lock trying to get at him?! Your children must be terrified of him. Let him go to the arse end of nowhere. You'll be so much happier without him.

I agree start a thread in relationships - tons of posters over there who can help you make a plan from women who have sadly been there, done that.

Good luck op
In my opinion him wanting to move somewhere isolated is part of his abusive behaviour, isolation is a classic tactic. He wants you dependent on him so he can control you, isolation helps that.

If you go you will be isolated and dependent. Just what an abuser prefers:

• you will be far from family or friends (so no support)
• you say that you will have to ask him for money if you need it... but you don't have to do that at the moment
• he is angry and violent and frightens your children in your house at the moment... how much more freedom will he have to do this when your home belongs to him?

Of course he is being lovely as he invites you into his trap.