Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

329 replies

TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 23/07/2020 15:04

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

OP posts:
FlamingoAndJohn · 24/07/2020 09:08

I'm assuming you meant to say: "due to the increased number of women who are suffering domestic abuse during lockdown". I'm trying to be kind here, but the problem really isn't that the poor menz are having such a tough time...

You are exactly right and that is what I meant. Lockdown is no excuse for men being violent regardless.
I have zero sympathy for violent men.

Dragongirl10 · 24/07/2020 10:13

Op initially l thought that this was just a disagreement regarding where you both wanted to live, as l have read through the thread l have realised that you are in an abusive relationship and are scared of him.

So...now you have to protect yourself and your DC from witnessing any violent behavior....

Could you quietly go along until he exchanges contracts and let him move without you , avoiding the big confrontation.

Say you are still a bit unsure, let him bulldoze ahead as he is wont to do, infer you may follow on but need more time..

Once he has physically moved change locks and let him know you will not be following....

Only you know if this is feasable.Good luck but please leave this relationship as it really is abusive.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/07/2020 18:09

totally irrelevant I know.... but is Withernsea the seaside town with the lighthouse in the middle of it's town... ?

TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 24/07/2020 18:12

Yes that's the one.

We haven't chatted yet. I've been nursing a horrific hangover after popping to a friends for drinks last night and he's been a model partner today. Typically.

Think it's because he wants me to agree to a move.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 24/07/2020 18:21

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

Yes that's the one.

We haven't chatted yet. I've been nursing a horrific hangover after popping to a friends for drinks last night and he's been a model partner today. Typically.

Think it's because he wants me to agree to a move.

Think it's because he wants me to agree to a move. Yep.

Be safe OP. He will probably flip to the nasty side once you tell him - remember his lack of control around the house.

TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 24/07/2020 18:36

I know.

I wish I could just leave him a letter but I then can't control what happens next or what he does.

OP posts:
Worriedmutt · 24/07/2020 18:42

As well as contacting the schools I would also let your landlord know that you are not planning on moving! Just as a precaution.

madcatladyforever · 24/07/2020 18:44

Its a great idea buying a house and getting some equity going provided you don't get crappy tenants but quite honestly buying it without your specific agreement and then expecting the entire family to move there is just absurd.
Is he in the habit of doing things like this?

AudTheDeepMinded · 24/07/2020 18:55

@Madcatladyforever sorry to 'that' poster but reading the full text would give you useful context to the OPs issues!

AudTheDeepMinded · 24/07/2020 18:55

to be

kshaw · 24/07/2020 18:57

Hi OP, I'm in quite a similar situation. You can search my username for my post about my husband. I left him 3 months ago on a 'temp' basis. But nothing has changed. His obsession with owning a house is unreal and within a month of me leaving he is buying in a different city to the one we live in currently. The houses isn't in a good area but it ticks his boxes. Big and cheap. Survey has shown up lots of issues so no idea if he's going to go through with it or not. I won't be living there that is for sure. It's mad how owning a house is above all else

billy1966 · 24/07/2020 19:10

OP, this man is an abusive pig.

You need to contact the police for support to get him out of the house.

They WILL help you.

He is not on the tenancy.
They can and will help.

FinallyHere · 24/07/2020 21:54

t. I still won't own this one as my credit is bad and I'm not on the mortgage application

You are not married. What security would you have, living in his house ? None is the answer to that.

Can you afford to stay where you are without him? If so, stay.

FinallyHere · 24/07/2020 22:14

He cried ... But it's him making that choice isn't it?

Now might be the time to write yourself a bingo card of all his possible tactics, so you can cross them off one by one.

PP is spot on, he can't make you do anything. He is trying to move you from your secure rental in your own name to an insecure position in a how that he owns.

Don't do it.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.phpp*

FortniteBoysMum · 25/07/2020 00:01

If you don't want to go don't. Tell him flat out your staying put so are the kids. Your business is just getting started now is not the time to have to start it all again. My mum moved me 2 and a half hours from where I grew up at 15. Now lucky if I go down to see family including my nieces couple times a year due to the expense. Don't do it if its not something you are sure about.

SlightlyJaded · 25/07/2020 13:10

OP, he will okay out the usual patterns. Be ready for them so you are prepared and not caught off guard.

So he is being 'nice' at the moment. Except he is not, he is PRETENDING to be nice because he wants to get his own way.

When you tell him that you won't be moving, he will try continuing to be nice for a short while. This will quickly deteriorate and the threats will begin.

Then the outrage and the 'hurt' - how could you do this to me.

And then any number of things from violence/smashing stuff to threatening to leave with the kids etc.

Just be ready for it and be calm and firm.

Good luck.

Yeahnahmum · 25/07/2020 13:19

What a maniac that he bought a house without you agreeing to buying it . I'd say goodbye house goodbye husband.

TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 25/07/2020 15:13

Thank you.

It's the niceness that's throwing me off. It's harder to justify when he's behaving.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/07/2020 15:17

Thank God he isn't her husband.

Where he has bought sounds ghastly.
Why on earth you would even consider moving happy, well adjusted children from a secure tenancy to a situation where YOU and they have zero security is unbelievable.

He clearly thinks you are a bit dim and can be bullied.

Ahead of yourself OP, this move would be dreadful for your children and their future.

Flowers
RandomMess · 25/07/2020 15:43

He's only being nice to get you to move away to place he has bought. As soon as you stand firm and he knows you are serious Mr Nasty and Abusive will be back.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2020 15:55

@RandomMess

He's only being nice to get you to move away to place he has bought. As soon as you stand firm and he knows you are serious Mr Nasty and Abusive will be back.
This, absolutely!! He's trying to keep you off balance and 'smooth you over'.

Be very suspicious but also use this 'lull in the hostilities' to make your plans for getting him out of the house. I'm in the US so not sure who you should speak with as far as the legalities and any possible 'rights' he may have as a long term resident in the home. Hopefully none, but it's best to be absolutely sure. Maybe see a solicitor or perhaps Women's Aid would know.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/07/2020 09:36

how are you OP 🌺

TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 28/07/2020 13:16

We've just had a row and I've told him it's over. He's stormed out. Apparently I'm manipulative and a disgrace of a human being. He told me I couldn't get legal aid to fight him for the kids as there's no domestic abuse. I made the mistake of pointing out the holes in walls etc was abuse.

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 28/07/2020 13:17

Oh ignore him. He doesn't want the kids. Hes full of hot air. Well done you Flowers

Ps telling him he was abusive was the truth, not a mistake

MulticolourMophead · 28/07/2020 13:51

Ignore what he says, he's trying to hurt you. He won't want the kids, certainly not full time. And this nastiness was predicted earlier when he realised you wouldn't be moving.

Don't doubt yourself, get on with a life for you and your DC. Thanks

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread