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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

329 replies

TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 23/07/2020 15:04

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

OP posts:
MaeDanvers · 23/07/2020 17:34

Definitely let the school know you are not looking at moving them in case he tries to unenroll the behind your back. You might think no one would do that bit that sort of thing very nearly happened to me, was just luck I caught it in time.

I think whatever he chooses with this house you have to split. He’s violent and treats you horribly. The children must be scared when he does things like rip out a bathroom lock.

MulticolourMophead · 23/07/2020 17:34

OP, I can understand the worry you might have about being alone after never having lived separately.

That was me. I left my abusive ex after more than 3 decades with him. It was hard, initially, but as time went on the DC and I have a settled, calm life. I wouldn't be surprised to find the stress, migraines, etc will begin to diminish once you are away from him permanently.

Throckmorton · 23/07/2020 17:35

Oh Riches, what a bastard he is! You are being totally reasonable to stay put, and frankly if he moves up there you're well rid of him! If he doesn't move up there, plan to get shot of him anyway because he's an abusive bastard and you and your kids deserve better.

Also - he's an abusive bastard and moving you up there is a tactic to isolate you from your support networks. Resist.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 23/07/2020 17:37

I was born and raised about 12 miles as the crow flies from Withernsea. It’s not exactly a seaside town, more of a seaside village.

I wouldn’t.

Original poster
TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 23/07/2020 17:40

They're scared at the time but afterwards it's like it never happened. But I think that's them in his control so desperately trying to please him all of the time.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSummer · 23/07/2020 17:41

It’s a pain to get to if you don’t drive. The nearest train station is in Hull. There’s a regular bus service but it takes about 1hr20 as it winds its way through the villages in between.

There’s not a great deal of local industry except the tiny bit of tourism, agriculture and some oil/gas. Most probably commute to jobs in Hull or move closer.

Choice4567 · 23/07/2020 17:42

Oh wow this all gets worse and worse. What a horrible man he is

canigooutyet · 23/07/2020 17:43

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor
If you think the school are the supportive type, yes please do mention something to them so they are aware any changes in their behaviour etc might not necessarily be covid related.

Other things like school updates, it's down to him to make contact directly with them to be aware of what is happening. All you can do is give schools his contact details if you want him as emergency contact as far as I'm aware. But schools are usually clued up about these things.

Happynow001 · 23/07/2020 17:47

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

Thank goodness you've decided to split with this creature. He has truly shown you his true colours but would have been so much worse if he'd isolated you from your support network and your children from their friends, rest of their family and their own support - particularly your child who has ADHD.

This man lied to you so he could show you the house he wanted to but, ignored your wishes throughout, all but told you he would financially abuse you, ridiculed and tried to manipulate you when you've said "No", has already been intimidating to you in your current home... it goes on.

Please please do not wobble and change your mind. It would all get worse from here. Lean on those who can support you IRL and on here when you need it.

Good luck and strength in the future for you and your children, OP. 🌹

LightDrizzle · 23/07/2020 17:49

It’s not your main problem but I know Withernsea quite well. It’s a shithole. There’s a reason why it is cheap.

Big drug problem and very depressed.

Cornishclio · 23/07/2020 17:59

So you and the kids are happy living where you are and your DP wants to buy a house and get away from suburbia? I think just calmly say you and the kids are not moving and it is his choice whether he rents it out or moves up there. Moving 3 hours away from your support network is not easy. I did it for my DHs job 30 years ago but it was with both our agreement and we were moving to a nicer area which it does not sound as if that is the case with you. Our children were also much younger than yours so preschool and no SN. Investigate your financial situation should he go.

unlikelytobe · 23/07/2020 18:08

My concern for you is that he won't go through with it or at least won't leave your current home when it comes to the crunch. It seems that he's going to push and cajole but if he doesn't want to 'lose his family' then he will have to stay. What then? You need to get him out. Get as much help as you can, make that plan, gird your loins....it's going to be rough but you can take this opportunity to make life better for you and your DC.

MNX42 · 23/07/2020 18:10

Well this thread has evolved; from the initial 'DH bought a house I don't like 3 hours away', to him being a controlling and violent bully who punches holes in walls and breaks locks off bathroom doors. I hope putting it down in writing and hearing the thoughts of others has helped you to see that, house or no house, you would be doing yourself and your children a huge favour by separating from this vile man.

Original poster
TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 23/07/2020 18:12

What sort of plan do I need? Sorry. Bit overwhelmed by what I need to do.

OP posts:
Chocoholic12 · 23/07/2020 18:12

OP just dont move no need to stress over it. Just stay put and tell him to shut up.

Mamia15 · 23/07/2020 18:14

Call women aid - they might be able to explain how best to disentangle from this horrible violent bully.

Chocoholic12 · 23/07/2020 18:16

Just read your updates.no idea why I didnt do this first. Sounds awful, please do find the strength to leave. Poor kids.

Hamm87 · 23/07/2020 18:32

Sorry I am going totally against the grain but can you not try to see if you like it etc and the kids should get a choice too sorry but its all about your wants and needs not his a house is for family not just him but he has need too and you don't care

MitziK · 23/07/2020 18:36

@Hamm87

Sorry I am going totally against the grain but can you not try to see if you like it etc and the kids should get a choice too sorry but its all about your wants and needs not his a house is for family not just him but he has need too and you don't care
Did you read the bits about his violence? His smashing things up in a rage? That she is SCARED of him?

Or are you just in favour of abusers getting their way all the time?

Hamm87 · 23/07/2020 18:36

sorry ignore me only read the first bit let him move and stay away he need help

Needsomeadvicehere · 23/07/2020 18:42

OP, everything is saying Don't go! You don't want to leave, you and DC are settled where you are, it would be a huge disruption for all of you.

But most important of all - you would be leaving friends, family, schools and all your support networks. You and DC would be alone in a new place with a manipulative, selfish man who will always put himself first.

If he wants to go, he should go alone.

ChiaraRimini · 23/07/2020 18:44

He is a violent bully with an inferiority complex hence all the comments about "sanctimonious stuck up" people and "middle class bubble". He is trying to isolate you and your D.C. from your friends and family and have you reliant on him
You said it's only your name on the tenancy OP. You need to safely end this relationship and get him to leave your house before this gets worse. Get some help from WA on how to do this.

IdblowJonSnow · 23/07/2020 18:51

Going to have a look is just showing a willingness to consider some options.
Not sure if or why OP agree to initial offer but the fact is her DH made the second offer without her agreement. Hardly acceptable.

Original poster
TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor · 23/07/2020 19:01

He's being perfectly lovely this evening. It's so difficult pretending that things are normal.

Thank you again for the support and comments. Aware it quickly escalated from not wanting to move to needing to get him out and I'm very grateful for the responses.

OP posts:
GingerBeverage · 23/07/2020 19:10

Sometimes you just need a catalyst. Well done for seeing the problems. Good luck and keep talking when you need it here.

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