AIBU to be furious at DH over hidden debt?

[Worrywart2020]

I’ve NC for this as am fairly confident DH’s family prowl MN and I don’t want to add fuel to the family gossip flames

My DH and I have been talking at some length about moving house, We have decided we would like to do so before it would alter DC’s schooling and don’t want to cause more upheaval by moving once settled

So we’ve been doing the usual, scouting Rightmove and having a look around desired areas - We’ve even been to look at a few houses (drive by areas not internal viewing due to Covid) and have found a house we really love (but would be at our top top stretching ourselves budget unless we could somehow persuade them to take 10K less which is obviously unlikely)

However today we have hit a full brick wall, Discussing mortgages with DH and I decided to use a mortgage calculator to see realistically if/what we could borrow and go from there - Turns out DH has CONSIDERABLY more debt than I had realised, I knew he had previously gotten a loan to consolidate credit card debt etc but as we share the mortgage/childcare fees from a joint account (paid in to by separate accounts) I had no idea of the full scope

Turns out DH is nearly 50K in debt!
I have now point blank turned down the idea of moving because realistically we couldn’t afford anything more than we pay now as DH earns significantly more than me (although we both work FT) and his credit score is ultimately crippled and he is now moping around saying he feels awful and didn’t know how to tell me etc

I feel so so angry and honestly heartbroken, I don’t know why he has hidden this from me for so long

He doesn’t seem to realise the massive implications this has on both of us and has said that he felt unable to tell me because “he should be able to provide for his family” but that he’s been drowning in debt taking out loan and loan for years

I know it would be unreasonable of me to really lose my temper with him but right now I am so so angry with him so I’ve come upstairs under the guise of tidying to just get away from him

I don’t know what to do, I haven’t a clue where to start - Our house is in no danger, we have never defaulted on a mortgage payment (I have checked) and as far as the bank are concerned are model customers, I could pick up the slack there if it did become an issue but there is no possibility of me being able to pay off all of his bills

AIBU to be utterly furious? Or really should I just accept the situation for the next few years at least (and know we will have to significantly tighten our belts to weather this storm) without protest?

My DH (although clearly useless with money) is genuinely a lovely guy, a good father and we have a very happy marriage - but right now I could murder him, I feel too that I’m more angry with the situation because we had been actively looking online at properties and (I thought) planning our future together- all the while he’s been hiding this massive issue rendering the whole thing IMPOSSIBLE!

(I feel the need to point out too that there is no seedy undergoing here, the debt has been accrued by seemingly living far beyond his means for years but without showing this to me, neither of us have had pay rises in the last 6 years and the outgoings have gradually taken over the incoming)

Not sure why you are holding yourself countable OP, he’s obviously hidden this well over the years.
I’d be quite hurt by the deception more then the debt itself. Has he been hiding it the whole time your DD has been here? It’s the lie I’d fine hard to accept.

I totally understand you being angry why wouldn’t you be. I think your husband needs to understand your fury, frustration and how this has made you feel. I don’t think you are to blame. Yes you could have taken more note of your finances however I don’t think it’s uncommon for one partner to be far more involved in finances than the other. In our house I’m the one that has a tight handle on it all and my husband trusts that when I say we can afford something that we can. In our case I’m meticulous about our finances but a big part of a relationship is trust and whatever his reasons for continuing to spend and tell you you could afford things this trust has been broken. Don’t beat yourself up too much for not realising.

If you read moneysavingexpert debt forum there are stories galore about partners hiding debt and I will say to you what I have said on there. Debt consolidation, which is presumably what he has been doing over and over again can lead to crippling debt and only usually comes to light when something happens like a redundancy, illness, maternity leave or in your case when you want to move house. You were happy to go on the mini breaks and meals out presumably but did you ever ask how come he could afford it or was the luxury of having these things without having to think how to pay for them worth sticking your head in the sand? Your husband is obviously foolish with money but I think in a marriage even if you do not have joint finances you should both at least be on the same page so if you are saying you cannot afford to buy these things and he just sticks his hand in his pocket every time regardless of affordability I hesitate to say you did not know this.

YANBU to be cross with him hiding it but you have a house, children together and are married so how come you did not know what was paying for mini breaks and meals out when you are a team working together? Unless this £50k was spent on toys or gadgets from him you have both had the benefit of spending regardless of income for years regardless of the fact you thought your DH was spending income and not on credit.

You either do as many of us do (myself included as my DH is not great with money) and have joint finances and budget or accept his mistakes will also be yours as they will affect you as this debt obviously has.

Have you seen everything with your own eyes?

50,000 pounds over 6 years is around 700 pounds a month. That's a huge amount. You are on 2 salaries. Now is a perfect time to cut back on unnecessary spending. You need to start keeping track of your spending and putting everything into a spreadsheet. I wouldn't panic, but first you need to figure out every penny he owes.

The fact that there are so many debt management agencies plus debt advice services out there is a very clear indication that a lot of people are in unmanageable debt and they aren’t all spending on a gambling habit.

Go and read @ BarbaraofSeville post which gives an excellent insight into how a debt can build up. It really is that easy. Even if you’re just paying everything on a card with the intention of paying it off at the end of the month, then something comes up and you’re on a minimum payment, and then you put something else on the card next month and before you realise it you’ve accrued a couple of grand in debt, and then you take out a card to cover that, but still spend on the original card and so the spiral continues.

And the fact is it’s so incredibly easy to borrow money. And the more credit you have, the more you can get. I’ve never had more than a few hundred on my credit card, I don’t go into my overdraft and I have a next account purely for home delivery and so I can pay it off at the end of the month. But when I paid off my credit card I had a letter two days later increasing my credit limit by £1000. .

When my DP was younger, he approached a mortgage adviser re buying a house. The adviser asked how much he earned and whether he had any sidelines. He does have one, but said he only maybe does a couple of hundred pound a year, to which the adviser suggested that they put down £10000

And it wasn’t so long ago that you could get a mortgage to the tune of 5/6 times your annual salary, which was all very well as long as house prices didn’t go down, oh, and mortgages for 125%, meaning you were in negative equity from the day you move in.

It really is incredibly simple to get into debt, and incredibly hard to get out again.

When was he going to tell you? When it got to 100k ??? He has a lot to work on

I think you must have had an unequal split of bills if your DH has been covering most of the bills and you have just been paying for childcare and food. Why have you not discussed this previously?

We have all income into a joint account and all bills come out of there. We put money every month into savings for holidays, xmas, car costs and other general savings. We pay for food and fuel on a credit card paid off in full each month and leave some joint spending money for meals out, takeaways, general household stuff etc in our joint current account. We also both have personal spending money (I am not sure why you are against that) where we both have the same amount to spend on clothes, hobbies, individual socialising and presents for each other etc. We have done this since we first moved in together 40 years ago and this covers the problem of unequal incomes. The only reason my income was lower was due to career breaks with having children and working part time to cover childcare when they were young. This inevitably means less career opportunities. As I pointed out many times though my DH never did a 9 to 5 job so all the childcare was down to me but prior to me having our first our salaries were similar. There was no way I would accept a lower salary with less disposable income than my husband and he thankfully agreed. The alternative would be that he would have to equally shoulder childcare which meant he would have to change jobs.

I also agree that finding a solution to this must be done together. Sit down, talk about all the bills, make sure he cuts up a lot of his credit cards, move as much to interest free as you can (if he can still get that). I hesitate to say take some over in your name even if you have a better credit record. No point in trashing both. Agree a budget (boring but necessary) and allocate some spending money for both of you and then you will know if you can afford mini breaks or meals out. If a lot of the debt is interest I would aggressively pay it down starting with the most expensive. That means a massive cut back on your lifestyle. Go on to the MSE forum. Loads of people in the same situation there as it is very easy to get into debt but much harder to get out.

OP, when I was much younger I got into horrendous debt, simply living beyond my means. At one point I think I owed over 40k. It was horrendous, and took me a long time to fully resolve. I wasn't spending huge amounts, just a coffee here, a few drinks there, some new clothes, a couple of bits of furniture etc etc, it just snowballed.

There are some practical things you can do straight away to start feeling like you have some control of the situation. Run a credit check on yourself and on your husband. Use something like credit karma, which will allow you to run the report for free. It will show the vast majority of financial accounts in your names, and how they are currently being managed. Beware though, I had a loan a couple of years ago from the AA which didn't show up on any report, so you need to double check.

Secondly for every single open credit account, find out how much interest you are paying. Your best bet is to try and clear your most expensive debts first if possible, and then move on to cheaper ones.

Thirdly, go through all of your standing orders and direct debits. Cancel anything that is not absolutely vital. You can't afford to give to charity at the moment, and things like monthly subscrption boxes, newspaper subscriptions etc all add up. Once you've done that write out your existing budget, and see where you can make any savings. But be realistic, don't give yourself £50 a week for food if you can't manage on that.

Finally your DH needs to be an active participant in all this, if he isn't he won't ever learn.

I've been there. It's awful. And the admitted amount was just the tip of the iceberg.

He needs to get it all out on the table, every single penny of debt, and you can make a plan.

I was heartbroken, but we tackled it together and it never happened again.

Some people are absolutely useless with money. Doesn't mean to say they're a bad person.

I'm a bit confused as to what his spent 50 k on? It sounds as if his paid all the bills he was meant to be taking care of etc but there must be something else his been doing to be able to get through such a huge amount of money! Have you access to any of his bank statements? How long did it take for him to rack up such a big debt?
Are you sure it's not gambling ( as someone else mentioned on here?)
What could he be doing that you were not aware of?
I hope you can sort it out but I would be furious too I'm afraid . My dh always spends more than me , but we discuss things and he shows me how his going to pay for the car or whatever he wants to buy. We try to work together when it comes to finances.
Seems your dh hasn't done this ! I would be so worried too.
Will you still be able to move?

Part of the underlying problem here is also the approach to the marriage, with him seeing himself in a 'provider role', and where he can hide things going wrong from you (meaning you are not an equal partner in the marriage, but someone to be protected from difficulties). He needs to stop this. You both need to start to see your marriage as an equal partnership, where you are of equal value and worth and contribution, and make decisions and manage the household together, equally and respectfully.

I'd insist on seeing every bit of paper OP. You know he hasn't been honest with you voluntarily, you need to see every detail.

I have had this with my Husband too but not to this extent. He was away and I was bored so decided to a budget and logged into his account to get the cost of various household expenses and saw his account, realised he had loan, credit card and over draft. Approx £15k

My husband is amazing but also useless with money. I have just found out he had another credit card.

He is to generous and always wants to treat us. He never spends money on him self

An example is I do the weekly shop spend £120 for 5 of us.

He pops out and gets us some nice treats for lunch at the weekend and blows £35 in one go.

It's not much but it's for one lunch, just posh deli things and nice cheeses etc

We just had the same issue, we wanted to remortgage to do some DIY but owes so much we were turned down

50,000 pounds over 6 years is around 700 pounds a month. That's a huge amount.

But you're not taking the interest into account. Read BarbaraofSeville's post upthread; she explains very clearly how credit debt can snowball massively if you only make the minimum payment each month, which is what may have happened here.

OP, I wish your DH and you all the best in resolving this with the help of StepChange or a similar organisation.

It's surprisingly easy to creep into debt.

Before giving up on plans to move I'd talk to a decent mortgage broker about your options. John Charcol are excellent.

Yes £50k is eye-watering. But now you know about it you can deal with it and a broker is worth their weight in gold in terms of helping you establish the amount you can realistically borrow and the best deal to minimise the costs.

The amount involved is relative so hard to know if catastrophic for you or a nuisance but it sounds like you will cope with it.

@AmandaHoldensLips - yes totally agree. I have been in a similar position myself and it certainly wasn't larging it up, expensive holidays and designer handbags. It was bad decisions when I was young, committed to more spending than I could really afford (with first house purchase) and lots and lots of accrued interest and bad consolidation loans.

It has all be cleared off with my husbands help initially (i have paid him back) and I have not had a £1 of debt in 13 years.

I was brought up to be good with money and save for that ' rainy day' !
Dh was brought up the same too but he isn't as good and would have run up oodles of debt given half a chance to do so : I've had to stop him being so cavalier and he has taught me that you spend a bit and not fret too much : It's a balancing act if your not on the same page financially and debt is so easy to run up , sad to say.
Rather than get on top of it early on he did the ' head in sand' approach which has made it worse.

What could he be doing that you were not aware of? imagine you have a takeaway once a week, so about £30. Once a week he goes to the pub with his mates (another £20) he picks up a coffee and lunch every day (another £50. So we’re at £100 a week just on the odd coffee/takeaway/lunch, so £5200 a year. He puts some of it on his credit card, and then at the end of the month he only makes a minimum payment, so the interest goes up.

And that’s before we talk about holidays, trips away, just general stuff like petrol for the car and groceries.

As soon as you start putting stuff on the credit card and not paying the credit card off in full the debt starts adding up....

I was in pretty much the same situation as you, but I knew he had debt, but not how much. When I found out it was £20K+ I ended the relationship. We’d been together for very many years too.
I’ve no regrets.

Hello OP

You must be a bit scared as well as furious- and I don't blame you. You've had lots of advice on here, including speaking to people like Stepchange.

I couldn't see if anyone had suggesting running a soft credit search on yourself online to get your credit score and your husband should also do one (I'm not if you can do his. If not get him to run it but stand over him whilst he does).

One of the better known credit references is Experian. This, together with the paperwork/numbers you are pulling together would help clarify your position when you meet with the debt management company you choose.

Good luck OP. Stay strong. 🌹

Thanks to poor management my DH has landed himself with a cc that charges 49.9% interest. So by only paying the minimum amount each month he is clearly going to have an enormous struggle to get out of a hole

The debt is one thing but the fact he didn't tell you and let you carry on planning to move house is worse in some ways. You're problems are bigger than just money problems. How will you ever be able to trust such a lying coward again? Your peace of mind will be ruined.

Your