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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accidental housewife and resenting my OH

136 replies

Poppysmummy92 · 22/07/2020 19:06

This is my first post...which I think is just a vent but I’m hoping it makes me feel better!!

I’ve been with my OH for 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together, we’re due to get married next month. Until 4 months ago I’ve ALWAYS worked, atleast 4 days a week since I was 16 (11 years ago) but due to covid-19 I was made redundant and became an “accidental housewife”....since this has happened I’m becoming so jealous of my OH’s life as he works and has a life outside of the home meanwhile I’m doing every single thing around the house/wedding admin/childcare and it’s driving me up the wall.

An example, my OH went out to work at 6.30am this morning and didn’t get in till 6.30pm, he then went back out at 7pm for football training and I am RAGING at him. He is raging that I’m raging and says that I’m being ridiculous but I feel so enraged that I’ve been with our daughter all day and he’s only spared me 30 mins... I know he’s been working but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler.

I don’t know whether I’m being selfish resenting him for going to work and doing his own thing, as I know it’s healthy to live separate lives but since I’ve become a stay at home mum my life is just looking after our daughter which I love but it takes it toll.

Any advice how I can stop feeling so angry towards my OH? It’s becoming harder and harder to hide my rage...

OP posts:

RedRedWines · 22/07/2020 19:26

But how is this his fault? What do you want to happen, he quits his job and shares stay at home parenting duties? It’s shit but there’s no one to blame and he’s entitled to free time in the evenings after working all day. You’re also entitled to that free time so make sure you use it to get some away from the home - meet up with friends or go for a run?

Letseatgrandma · 22/07/2020 19:27

but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler

Well, that depends on your job, really. My job was much more hard work than looking after a toddler!

What do you want him to do?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/07/2020 19:35

It's not his fault he's still got a job and working.

Are you looking for a job? It sounds like you don't want to be a SAHM and this resentment will continue until you're working and doing things again.

heynori · 22/07/2020 19:38

I'd far prefer being at home with my toddlers than going back to my old job which I hated. I absolutely love being a SAHM and not having to work.

Surely the answer for you here is to look for another job?

Littlepoppet1 · 22/07/2020 19:39

You need to get yourself back out to work ASAP. Your husband is doing nothing wrong it just sounds like you aren’t happy being a stay at home mum which is fine, I couldn’t do it!

Wfhwith3yearold · 22/07/2020 19:40

Being a SAHM is not for everyone. How bad has you industry been hit? Are you likely to be able to get a new job?

Mamette · 22/07/2020 19:43

@Letseatgrandma

but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler

Well, that depends on your job, really. My job was much more hard work than looking after a toddler!

What do you want him to do?

It also depends on the toddler

I have had three. One of them was much, much harder work than any job I’ve ever had, and I’ve had some very demanding jobs.

ChateauMargaux · 22/07/2020 19:45

Yup.. the fury of eons of women who are left to look after children. Tell him that when he comes home, you need to do something else other than look after your child. As for house admin, wedding admin etc.. don't do this while looking after your child and share it. Find things you want to do where you leave the house on your own, even if its just leaving the house on your own. I wish you luck making yourself heard and finding a new job.

Devlesko · 22/07/2020 19:46

Look for another job and make sure he does his share when he is at home.
Football training once a week isn't too much but anything else is not on once you have a family.
Is he around the rest of the weekly evenings, and what's he like as a parent?

helterskelter3 · 22/07/2020 19:48

I would feel exactly the same. I know it’s not the same but can you book something in from 7pm another night to even it up? I think the resentment and inequality (and thoughtlessness) is often worse than the hard work of a continuing day of childcare. You’re not being unreasonable and he’s not being that unreasonable but I’d be mad too!
Definitely try and get another job.

Devlesko · 22/07/2020 19:49

I've just seen you are doing the wedding admin.
This is so it sounds like he doesn't care less about your wedding. Why aren't you doing it together when toddler in bed.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 22/07/2020 19:53

Staying at home can be relentless, but surely with a single 3 year old you can at least get a lot of the house jobs, cooking etc done during the day, and therefore have free evenings for your own activities or to spend together, where you once would have had to to all those jobs after work?

When I was on maternity leave our deal was that we did equal amounts of 'on duty' time, including looking after kids, housework, paid work, etc then split the rest. Structure really helps - with my first I struggled to get jobs, tidying etc done in the day but with 4 now, I'm a lot more efficient, having a toddler doesn't have to mean getting nothing else done but childcare.

Good luck finding a new role and hope you can both carve out some leisure time.

Goingdownto · 22/07/2020 19:57

Pre wedding time is particularly stressful for many women (if you are doing most of the organising).

Original poster

Poppysmummy92 · 22/07/2020 19:58

Thanks for your replies everyone!

I can’t pinpoint what I want him to do, I just feel like I do absolutely everything...even little things like I make him every single meal or drink, every bit of washing, everything in general and at best he’ll solely look after our daughter for a couple of hours a week mainly on a weekend.

I would go back to work I think this would solve a lot of issues but we had planned to try for a baby after the wedding (next month) so looks like I’m destined to be a SAHM for years to come!

I definitely think it would help if I had some time on my own or with friends, but I just never get round to arranging anything. I wish I had a hobby like him but I don’t!

Just feeling fed up x

OP posts:

Goingdownto · 22/07/2020 20:02

Get this sorted. Do you both have an equal amount of downtime/leisure time? Have another baby and this is cemented forever.
Where things really equal before your job ended? How can he switch so fast?

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/07/2020 20:04

If every work day goes like that, I’d be raging too.
If it’s once a week, I’d ask for a weekly night off for myself in lieu.

But it’s probably stressful on both of you. He’s now single earner with a young family. You’re now accidental SAHM until job market picks up.

Just sit down an hammer out a schedule that has equal time out of the house during nonworking hours for both of you.

MitziK · 22/07/2020 20:07

@Poppysmummy92

Thanks for your replies everyone!

I would go back to work I think this would solve a lot of issues but we had planned to try for a baby after the wedding (next month) so looks like I’m destined to be a SAHM for years to come!

I definitely think it would help if I had some time on my own or with friends, but I just never get round to arranging anything. I wish I had a hobby like him but I don’t!

Just feeling fed up x

Surely having another baby when you're already unhappy at what's going on is the daftest idea in the world?

BackwardsGoing · 22/07/2020 20:09

Don't have another baby while you're unhappy!

Anydreamwilldo12 · 22/07/2020 20:14

Why do you make him every single meal and drink?

Original poster

Poppysmummy92 · 22/07/2020 20:17

I just always have! I do all the food shopping and meal planning so he literally doesn’t have a clue what’s in our cupboards or what he can eat unless I put it in front of him...it’s a running joke how ridiculous this is but it’s v irritating 5 years later

OP posts:

Needmoremummyjuice · 22/07/2020 20:18

I know I’m these covid times it may be easier said than done but if he has been out to football training tonight is there an equivalent you can do one night so you have some time to yourself to u wind? In my area a few of the gyms are doing outside boot camp type things or meet a friend for a coffee/glass of wine, you both deserve down time.

Original poster

Poppysmummy92 · 22/07/2020 20:19

I know it doesn’t make much sense...but we’re worried about leaving a too big age gap and it also doesn’t make sense to restart my career when I’m definitely going to have a baby within the next couple of years. He’s also desperate for another child..which makes sense as it’s a breeze for him with this one!!

OP posts:

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/07/2020 20:19

Deep breath OP

Going out for an evening isnt bad. Going out every evening and only spending 2 hours a week looking after his daughter at a weekend, is bad.

What I think you need to do is treat looking after your daughter and doing chores in the day, as 'work'. Count how many hours work you do a week and how many he does. They should be roughly equal. Then count how many hours a week he spends on hobbies, and just downtime chilling by himself. And how many hours you do the same every week. For whatever reason that this is out of balance.

I'd then apologise for raging at him for something reasonable, but explain that you want equal leisure/ hobby time. And make sure you make this happen. This is your responsibility as well. Arrange to see a friend on a Saturday lunchtime. Go a walk or cycle by yourself. Take a book and get a coffee and go and sit in a park and read. It will feel weird at first but you really need to carve out this time for yourself, outside the home so that your daughter can't decide that you're looking after her instead of daddy. Once this time is set in stone you will be able to go and do something in the house by yourself more easily. Also make sure he pulls his weight with chores at the weekend and evenings.

BrummyMum1 · 22/07/2020 20:21

If you’re looking after DD while he’s at work then that’s a full time job in itself. All the chores and admin (things you wouldn’t expect a nanny to do) then need to be split between you and DH. You wouldn’t hire a nanny, ask her to do all your laundry, get her to clean the house and ask her to plan your wedding all at the same time. No wonder you’re feeling resentful.

HelloChompy · 22/07/2020 20:27

Hi OP

I do get where you're coming from. My husband was furloughed initially but is back at work now. I'm self employed and have been able to keep working through this - but to a much less extent than normal - as my work has mostly dried up to literally a matter of a few hours a week.

Like yours, my husband leaves at 6.30 am and is back at 6.30 pm. I do the vast majority of the household chores during the day because it doesn't sit right with me that he's had a 12 hour day, whereas I've done maybe an hour's work. My life has become so mundane though so I can sympathise. I'm fortunate that my work has started to pick up a bit now. It's not as easy as looking for a new job as, depending on the industry, there may be few positions available and a lot of competition.

I wouldn't begrudge your husband his football training once a week - we all need something to look forward to. You should tell him though that you want an evening off a week to go out or stay in but not spend the evening doing chores. I do think you should be doing a lot of the wedding admin together though in the evenings.

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