Accidental housewife and resenting my OH

[Poppysmummy92]

This is my first post...which I think is just a vent but I’m hoping it makes me feel better!!

I’ve been with my OH for 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together, we’re due to get married next month. Until 4 months ago I’ve ALWAYS worked, atleast 4 days a week since I was 16 (11 years ago) but due to covid-19 I was made redundant and became an “accidental housewife”....since this has happened I’m becoming so jealous of my OH’s life as he works and has a life outside of the home meanwhile I’m doing every single thing around the house/wedding admin/childcare and it’s driving me up the wall.

An example, my OH went out to work at 6.30am this morning and didn’t get in till 6.30pm, he then went back out at 7pm for football training and I am RAGING at him. He is raging that I’m raging and says that I’m being ridiculous but I feel so enraged that I’ve been with our daughter all day and he’s only spared me 30 mins... I know he’s been working but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler.

I don’t know whether I’m being selfish resenting him for going to work and doing his own thing, as I know it’s healthy to live separate lives but since I’ve become a stay at home mum my life is just looking after our daughter which I love but it takes it toll.

Any advice how I can stop feeling so angry towards my OH? It’s becoming harder and harder to hide my rage...

You need to address this now or this resentment will fester and the relationship will break down anyway.

Ok so he works outside the home - but when he IS home he should be pulling his weight! A couple hours 'babysitting' of a weekend isn't on!

Absolutely no reason why of an evening he can't:

Sort the dishes after dinner
Put a laundry load on
Bath and bed dd some nights
Tidy away his stuff (I suspect he leaves it at his arse for you to do?)

He can certainly make the effort to spend time with you as a couple when dd is asleep for the night and I don't mean sex! I mean talk, watch a film together, play cards or a board game together...

Also no reason why you can't make time for yourself of an evening/weekend too. Get a hobby if there's anything you're interested in even if it's just a book club! Get some exercise (will also help you "burn off" any anger and elevate your mood), go and see a friend or relative for coffee/wine and to "decompress"

Being a sahm isn't for everyone that's ok.

I would also say delay dc 2 until you have a new job and will be eligible for maternity pay etc - that makes more sense than what you're saying re "no point if I'm leaving to have a baby soon"

Because even if he earns enough to keep a family of 4 that's more pressure on him, is his job very secure? Few are at the moment. Plus you want to be as financially independent as possible, not only in the event of separation but also if he were to become incapacitated or even die - it does happen unfortunately and while the wedding is happening soon even marriage doesn't totally protect.

but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler
Excuse me? What kind of job did you do? Looking after 1 child is what most parents call a holiday.... I understand you are frustrated, but you do need a reality check.

You’re doing more than a full time job and more than your fair share here OP I can understand why you’re feeling resentful.

I would try to think of how you spend your time and ask soon to be DH to do specific things each week (be really specific). He can’t read your mind and just might not think of doing things house is important/have the same standards as you.

Organising a wedding is a huge commitment. Can you ease off on some of the house work til for a few weeks til after the wedding? Just do the essentials or allocate these to your partner. A lot of the cleaning will wait a few weeks - after the wedding you will be feeling the benefit of more time to do any extra bits. Something has to give now though or resentment will keep building.

I feel similar resentment, I'm at home looking after the kids and keeping the household going, and then OH moans HE needs a hobby... I was fuming, wish I had time to pee alone, let alone the energy and time for a hobby 😩! I find it's easier for my partner to go and do things as he can have lots of hobbies, golf, football, bike riding, he wants to buy and make this classic car thing. And I can't think of a single hobby to go and do of an evening or weekend so I do feel a bit of that resentment of its much easier for him to have the job he wants, work the hours he wants and for me to be the one attending school meetings, parties etc. School runs and meal planning and prep etc. But I have to remind myself that I tend to be better at doing those things than him, and he tends to be better at earning more money than me 😉. However, I will tell him on a weekend that I need some time away from the house and would go shopping and to a cafe for 2 hrs before the covid. Much harder with all this going on as I just have nowhere to escape to, and after months at home with 4 kids, believe me, I'm ready to escape for a bit.

Anyway, yes, it's totally normal to feel that resentment, even though you know and say it's healthy to have a hobby etc. It doesn't make it any easier does it?! Try and find something to schedule in on a weekend evening or something to go off and do, visit a friend for a glass of wine in the garden? And leave him some wedding stuff to do, or a recipe card for him to look at and tell him he's cooking tomorrow's dinner so best get familiar with the recipe 😂

A couple of hours a week of childcare is just not on.

When I was a SAHM, my husband would be racing to get back from London to do baths and bedtime with the kids and then cook our dinner. He'd also take them out on the weekend mornings so I could have a lie-in.

Why are you planning a wedding and another child with someone inconsiderate and selfish? It won't fix things.

So this has been an ongoing issue. How did you cope working full time? Was he stepping up more then or?

If your a sahm then yes you should be doing more in regards to housework and childcare. However, making him drinks etc is pure laziness from him.

I just always have! I do all the food shopping and meal planning so he literally doesn’t have a clue what’s in our cupboards or what he can eat unless I put it in front of him..
^^
He's a grown man, he can look in the cupboards and the fridge if he's hungry.
Have you told him that you're resentful of doing all the housework? Have you explained how it's bothering you, or are you just walking around pretending everything is okay while silently seething and ranting to strangers on the internet?
I'm not trying to be harsh, but the only way you can get out of this funk is by talking your partner.

@Newdaynewname1

You are the one who needs a reality check! It very much depends on the child. I ‘only’ have one daughter but she has mild SEN and is the work of at least three children put together (independently confirmed by others, not just me saying it). I am now a SAHM but have had some very demanding jobs in the past including in the City and none even came close to the demands of looking after my daughter.

It's no fun for you. Not every one is cut out for this life of never ending housework and childcare. It was a bit thoughtless of your DH to go out again but if it's once a week I think that's fine. Don't have another baby while you are feeling like this. Go back to work for a couple of years first. I'd also put the wedding on hold.

Can you tell him how you feel? TBH one 3 year old will seem like a breeze if you have another baby as well! Maybe hold off another child for the moment.As far as making him all drinks and meals that is ridicolous! Many young wives like to "spoil" their husbands to start with but this is not a good idea as you now have 2 children to look after not 1!Can you arrange for him to cook once or twice a week maybe ? Pop a wash on .Also arrange for an evening out on your own as well .

I totally understand and I share your anger. It's relentless , you need some time to yourself

What would have happened before lockdown when you were both working fulltime? Who did what? Would he have still gone to football and you out another night?

If you are unhappy now it will be worse when you have another child. I wouldn't give up my career in your situation. You say your husband wants another child but sounds like he doesn't help with the current one?

Lastly you are unhappy but you are doing every meal and every drink - just why? The best thing you can do is NOT do things for your DH that affect him directly e.g. get him drinks, his laundry etc.

Corny maybe but I like this quote ‘whatever you are, be a good one’ - Abraham Lincoln
You are a Sahm now, and the reasons are good, you want another baby. So embrace it!

I just always have! I do all the food shopping and meal planning so he literally doesn’t have a clue what’s in our cupboards or what he can eat unless I put it in front of him

Every time I read this sort of thing on MN, I just do not understand. Unless you are in an abusive relationship, why would you put up with this? Have some self-respect, OP- are you his partner or his maid? Never mind football practice, think of all the extra hours of leisure time he has, because you're doing all the wife work.

it doesn't make any sense to become further committed to this "partner" OP.

he's not a partner in parenting.
nor on household tasks/admin/planning.

of course he's "desperate" to have another child when you're doing 99% of the care, and you'll be in a more financially vulnerable position.

i'm sorry if this is blunt but, why the fuck are you marrying and planning on having a child with this man?

would you want your daughter to be married in this situation, planning another?

i think you need to step back and look at what your life is going to be like in the years ahead, you're clearly not on the same page.

when do you get your night out every week?

@Crownofthorns The op’s daughter doesn’t SENs - at least she hasn’t mentioned it.

Honestly if I was out at work 12 hours a day and my partner was at home all day with one child, I would expect him to do most/all of the shopping and housework too.
I think it difficult when it's not your choice though.

Some people just aren't designed to be stay at home parents, I'm one of them!
Even though you'll have another child in near future, I'd still get a job. Your sanity and happiness is vital.

It just like you have another child to look after. Buy the food, cook the food, serve the food (and drinks), clear away the plates, rinse and repeat day after day.
Its crazy saying you do the shopping so he doesn't know what food you have in. He sounds like Lord of the bloody manor and you the servant attending to his every whim. Surely he can go into the kitchen and look in the fridge and cupboards. It's astounding.
You deserve a break both at home and doing something out if the house just for you.
Having another baby will just increase your workload, you know he's not going to be a hands on Dad, he's a lazy man child.

The footie thing is fine but never making a meal or even a drink is pathetic. I would stop doing that.
Sure you want to get married and have another child? Sounds like you'd be happier at work from what you've said.

Basic principles:

1. Equal free time (to do with as you wish, you don't need an 'official hobby' to enjoy time to yourself).

2. Outside of working hours, so evenings and weekends, domestic work and childcare is shared equally.

That's it. It really is that simple.

You are a SAHM during working hours. Outside those hours you are both parents and you are both adults who live in a house and need that house to function and to be a pleasant place to live; so you're both responsible for keeping it that way.

So if you do all the meal-planning, shopping, putting away and cooking, he needs to make up for that with a lot of cleaning, putting laundry away and planning family activities, for example.

I think you need to address the causes of resentment in your current set up before you think about adding the possibility of another baby into the mix.

Your resentment about your OH going out to work all day is your message to yourself that you need to look for another job. You will need time in the evenings and weekends to get your CV etc together, maybe child free time in the day if you want to do a short course or attend online webinars/interviews etc. You need to discuss your needs around this with your partner, and tell him what support you need from him.

Does he have any options around wfh? If so, that gives you the potential of more time to yourself during the week as he gains the commuting time to spend with his dd.

Dividing housework needs to happen in a way which doesn't cause resentment between parties. Yes, it's fair enough that you do most of the day to day stuff, but he has the weekend to do some chores and cooking.

Also, wedding admin. If he is leaving all that to you, and you are taking it on resentfully, this is as good a warning as any as to what your married life will look like, I'm afraid.

It makes no sense to call yourself an 'accidental housewife' and explain that you resent your working husband then sign up for more years of this with another baby.

Honestly working is absolutely not way easier than looking after a toddler. It depends entirely on the job and on the toddler. When I worked part time the days I spent with my toddler were an absolute breeze compared to my (rewarding but quite demanding) work. Please enough with this stuff that is trotted out.

Please, please think carefully before marrying this man or having any more children with him. If you hate being a SAHM, why would you even consider having another child?!?

If you're not happy being a SAHM, fgs find a job.

Don't just throw up your hands and say you're doomed to stay a SAHM because you want another baby. Plenty of women go back after maternity leave, and it's better for your long term prospects to keep your career going if you can, even by working part-time/flexibly.

If you're a miserable resentful SAHM, you're doing no-one in your little family any favours.