Accidental housewife and resenting my OH

[Poppysmummy92]

This is my first post...which I think is just a vent but I’m hoping it makes me feel better!!

I’ve been with my OH for 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together, we’re due to get married next month. Until 4 months ago I’ve ALWAYS worked, atleast 4 days a week since I was 16 (11 years ago) but due to covid-19 I was made redundant and became an “accidental housewife”....since this has happened I’m becoming so jealous of my OH’s life as he works and has a life outside of the home meanwhile I’m doing every single thing around the house/wedding admin/childcare and it’s driving me up the wall.

An example, my OH went out to work at 6.30am this morning and didn’t get in till 6.30pm, he then went back out at 7pm for football training and I am RAGING at him. He is raging that I’m raging and says that I’m being ridiculous but I feel so enraged that I’ve been with our daughter all day and he’s only spared me 30 mins... I know he’s been working but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler.

I don’t know whether I’m being selfish resenting him for going to work and doing his own thing, as I know it’s healthy to live separate lives but since I’ve become a stay at home mum my life is just looking after our daughter which I love but it takes it toll.

Any advice how I can stop feeling so angry towards my OH? It’s becoming harder and harder to hide my rage...

I'd be rethinking having another child. Two is way more work than one and if you're struggling now, it won't go well. I think a new job would help, as would getting your husband to contribute to chores around the house including more childcare.

OP it is only fair that during the time you partner is at work you manage your time well and get housework, grocery shopping etc done, but you should still get an equal amount of childfree leisure time as you partner, don't let your current situation become the new norm.

I work part time (one 12 hour shift per week) DH works fulltime (4 long days).

On the 2 days we are both off, we split the time fairly, generally we both have a half day to ourselves, and the rest as family time.

In the evenings my DH helps with dinner after work and helps with DD bedtime. He than has a bit more free time than me later on as he can stay up later than me as I am still have disturbed nights, but that is because I made the choice to extended breastfeed/ bedshare with DD.

I do the majority of the house work, DH does a little on the day I work, but I don't expect him to do loads as that is his one-one time with DD. If I increase my hours when DD is older DH will be stepping up!

@Poppysmummy92

I know it doesn’t make much sense...but we’re worried about leaving a too big age gap and it also doesn’t make sense to restart my career when I’m definitely going to have a baby within the next couple of years. He’s also desperate for another child..which makes sense as it’s a breeze for him with this one!!

This is ridiculous. You are Intentionally holding yourself back. Look for jobs. Deal with the inequality at home. He bloody well learns to cook.

DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD WITH A MAN WHO DOES NOT EQUALLY CONTRIBUTE TO THE RUNNING OF THE HOME.

Right then, there’s your leverage. Just say, perfectly honestly, that you don’t want to have another child while you’re in this situation, unless it changes and becomes more equal, and unless you find a job you like first, you can’t have another baby.

If he gets the marigolds out and then starts helping you with your CV, you have your answer. If not, don’t bother.

Completely agree that for me the years I spent at home with kids were harder than eg my board level job, mba, stressful industry, etc. I did my very best and was home for a while but it was so hard for me personally (probably some people are better at it and find it easier) and sometimes when I was finally back in work on a crazy complex tech project with all sorts of issues and dramas I used to hold on to the desk with a sort of desperate relief at being back.

I used to have a husband like this. Stop making him drinks all the time! I make Dh the odd drink, but he probably makes more for me now than the other way round.

Allocate him a job, DH cleans the bathroom properly once a week, then once he has that sorted For a few weeks, allocate another until it’s a fairer split. (We are quite traditional, Dh does cars, gardens, bins and the bathroom, I do shopping, washing, cooking and everything else. I also work less hours). Dh never saw anything that needed doing, it had to be pointed out to him, by which point I was probably doing it myself. In giving him a regular job, he built it in to his regular week and I know it will get done.

It does sound like you don’t enjoy being a SAHM though. I think you need to be looking and applying for new jobs, regardless of Future baby plans.

My only other thought is, with a 3 year old, a lot of household jobs could be done Together With your child, shopping, sorting washing, hoovering, preparing meals. Make these things part of your time together or encourage your dc to play independently while you spend 20 minutes doing the jobs, that is such an important skill, even at 3. That way, once your dc goes to bed at 7 (or whenever) you have your evening free.

When are you and your partner having your evening meal? I would also be putting in a change of routine where you cook once and if he isn’t there, it’s plated up and his portion reheated. That will save you ages if you aren’t already doing that.

Also, job hunting is a time-consuming occupation. Do not allow that to become your designated 'hobby'. Ring-fence it as 'work time', take it seriously and do it well.

So, for however many hours a week - maybe 8-10 if you're searching, researching and putting good quality applications together - you are working at job-hunting and he is doing childcare. (I'd split that across 2 or 3 evenings, plus a 2 or 3 hour stretch at the weekend, while he takes your DC out, or otherwise entertains her out of your way). (I'm assuming your 3yo doesn't nap and/or that any nap time is already occupied with keeping the house straight and people fed).

When you find a job, you'll have more family and couple time and things will be easier.

I love being a SAHM which I am temporarily until the end of my maternity leave but I also know a lot of mums who just find being at home hard relentless and tiring. I really feel for you as it wasn't your choice and unfortunately at the moment it's not that easy to just get another job.
I think if tonight was a once a week thing I'd let it go as long as I could also go out once a week but he should be helping in the evening.
My husband does bath time routine with our baby most nights and cooks twice a week. I do pretty much everything else but I don't mind. You do. So get him helping in the evening. Yes he's been at work all day but so have you.
He can help with your daughter, cook or wash up or even make you a drink.
Don't have a baby now. You aren't happy being at home and your partner isn't helping. I'd wait until he's helping and then decide if you want another baby.

I became an accidental housewife and remained one since but Dh completely rolled his sleeves up the second he walked through the door. Like PP said, he worked outside the home and technically I worked inside the home. When he came in it was shared between us.

What massively helped was us batch cooking food on the weekend for ready made dinners and a slow cooker so either dinner was made mid-morning and in the slow cooker or a freezer "dump" meal was put in it.

As we knew we would want another child, Ds went to a nursery one day a week so I had a day to myself. He was used to being in one 3 days a week anyway from 1 year old when I went back to work.

You also need him to spend one on one time with your DD to build a great relationship with her.

Dh makes me a cup of tea all the time. It really is the small stuff that matters. We have been married over 20 years. Every now and again we have a conversation about is there anything I can do that would make your life easier and we talk about it. It is a two way street. It seems for you that you are doing everything but even did so before children. I wonder why that is? Dh was raised by a SAHM but we always split the housework when we both worked full time.

Of course it makes sense to get another job - then if you get pg you have ML and go back to your job. Do you think it will become easier to find work when you've two dc and haven't worked for years?

Looking after a young child can certainly be tedious and lockdown won't have helped.
Talk to your partner about how you feel. Split things more evenly - you could get him to prepare a meal one night a week to start off with plus a few other chores. You would be better off getting a job before you get pregnant so that you can get maternity pay and so you are not out of the job market too long.
If you do stay at home, try and make the most of it and go out for coffee with friends or take your daughter to toddler groups or swimming once they start up again. Time spent with her can be fun and sociable for you as well.

*If you're not happy being a SAHM, fgs find a job.

Don't just throw up your hands and say you're doomed to stay a SAHM because you want another baby. Plenty of women go back after maternity leave, and it's better for your long term prospects to keep your career going if you can, even by working part-time/flexibly.*

This. These boards are full of women saying they’re trapped in a position that they just ‘fell into’ and sorry but a lot of them refuse to take any responsibility for sleepwalking into giving up their careers because ‘DH was the bigger earner and someone had to look after the kids’ etc and basically ending up with no career, earning potential or life outside domestic drudgery. This is a pivotal moment for you where you can either drift along and live a life of resentment and regret, or you can take charge of your own happiness, recognise that being a SAHM isn’t for you, and ensure that you don’t end up trapped and miserable for years.

You sound like you’re actually acknowledging that will be the case, yet doing nothing to stop you heading down that path nonetheless. Utter insanity to even consider another baby until your career and relationship are where they need to be.

Not wanting to patronise you but honestly you have no idea how easy one three year old is to look after compared to a toddler and a newborn. If you hate beings SAHM now I dread to think how you would find it with another baby, sleep deprivation etc thrown into the mix.

Take control of your life OP, you only get one.

I think you need to find possible childcare options for the 3 year old before considering job options. What were you doing for childcare before redundancy?

You don't have to resume your career if planning a baby. Something part time or completely different (albeit lower paid) is an option.

You don't have to be a sahm after a baby either. You can return to work after mat leave as you did with your first? It's not for everyone being at home with dc. I loved my few years as a sahm, some mums hate it, some don't have the luxury of that option!

Sorry to say but are you being a bit of a martyr doing everything?
Things aren't out of your control here, you can make changes.

I think If furlough/no school has taught everyone anything it’s to never ask a SAHM ‘what she does all day’ ever again.

I started to feel a bit like this at the end of mat leave, going back to work was the best thing ever to be honest. If you hate is so much I'd look for a job, and reconsider having another? The feelings are likely to get more bitter rather than be resolved!

I think If furlough/no school has taught everyone anything it’s to never ask a SAHM ‘what she does all day’ ever again. smile

Usually groups etc are open though aren't they. Not saying it not challenging and hard work being a SAHM, but not really comparable.

Try looking after a roomful of babies and toddlers!

[quote Newdaynewname1]@Crownofthorns The op’s daughter doesn’t SENs - at least she hasn’t mentioned it.[/quote]
You are right, but why make assumptions as to how hard someone’s life is or isn’t without knowing all the facts? So many factors can impact on someone’s ability to cope. Plus, kids don’t have to have SEN to be challenging, some are just wired that way from birth.

I can guarantee that from the outside most people would think I live a pretty charmed life from a superficial point of view, but I’ve had an incredible amount to deal with personally and without the active support of my husband in raising our daughter I probably wouldn’t even be here. I have friends with husbands like the OP’s and I don’t know how they put up with them.

OP, you have three choices:

1. Embrace being a SAHM, and take on complete and utter responsibility for everything to do with the house, children, wedding (though personally, I'd have a wedding with two witnesses and nobody else). Develop your network of friends, and enjoy being able to do what you want, when you want (within the parameters of babies and toddlers). If you go down that route, your OH's job is to provide for you all financially; he gets no real say in anything to do with the children, because he's doing his job, and you're doing yours.

1. Find another job asap, and hammer out a deal with your OH about who does what, and when. Tricky, when you are planning to have a second child - but not impossible. However, you can't expect someone to work FT and then come home and start cooking and cleaning.

1. Carry on as you are, but seethe with resentment which will transfer itself to your relationship and your child.

I had a very high-powered job, and found it easier in some ways than looking after children, and harder in others. After a very short time, it was so hard that I gave it up and took Option 1. I didn't regret it for a single second - I had an absolute ball when my children were babies and toddlers. My husband did become a 'spare part' in the family, though.

DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER BABY WITH THIS MAN - EVER

There - OP I have now saved you years of therapy, misery, moaning on MN and finally leaving a marriage aged 40, tired, sprung out, bitter and broken.

Oh and before you ask, I was a SAHM out of choice, I have also worked full time while having a child; have run a business with 3 DC and now started a new career. But I wanted the years as a SAHM and even then it was hard, hard work.

But are you getting unemployment benefit OP - because if you are, then technically you are not a SAHM and so you should not be doing all the housework - I really mean this, lay down the line that there is NO housework apart from minding DC while he is at work that is your to do alone - he has to do his fair share of the rest.

strung out - auto correct fail!!

You are a part of these issues too.

Don’t be a martyr; your husband can learn to cook too

Don’t have a hobby? Try a few out until one sticks, or get some out of house exercise which is beneficial to you all round

Don’t do all your wedding planning alone if you resent it, just don’t?

Life/family admin can be done together, bath and bedtime can be a shared responsibility, looking after dd can be a shared responsibility, etc.

It sounds like you and your dh have gotten into a dysfunctional routine in which you bear the brunt of the workload, the only way this will change is if you communicate and advocate for yourself.

And I hope this didn’t come across as too harsh. I sympathise, it is so easy to fall into this role, especially as a woman

Tell him he's got to pull his weight with baby 1 if he wants a second. And it could take you months to get pregnant. Go back to work!

Embrace being a SAHM, and take on complete and utter responsibility for everything to do with the house, children... Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why not embrace being a SAHM within working hours just like your OH works within working hours then share everything out at evenings and wekeend, like normal people (IMO, IME)?

you can't expect someone to work FT and then come home and start cooking and cleaning. Why? But why?

What did we all do as single adults? As dual-income couples pre-kids? We came home from work, cooked and did the necessary housework, of course.

My long experience of working FT taught me that FT isn't all that, even when sometimes it is. You still have to eat and look after youself - and doing so is entirely possible and just, ordinary.

@Devlesko

I've just seen you are doing the wedding admin. This is so it sounds like he doesn't care less about your wedding. Why aren't you doing it together when toddler in bed.

Come on what man really wants to do that ? They will show interest to keep the peace but really they don't care ...