Accidental housewife and resenting my OH

[Poppysmummy92]

This is my first post...which I think is just a vent but I’m hoping it makes me feel better!!

I’ve been with my OH for 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together, we’re due to get married next month. Until 4 months ago I’ve ALWAYS worked, atleast 4 days a week since I was 16 (11 years ago) but due to covid-19 I was made redundant and became an “accidental housewife”....since this has happened I’m becoming so jealous of my OH’s life as he works and has a life outside of the home meanwhile I’m doing every single thing around the house/wedding admin/childcare and it’s driving me up the wall.

An example, my OH went out to work at 6.30am this morning and didn’t get in till 6.30pm, he then went back out at 7pm for football training and I am RAGING at him. He is raging that I’m raging and says that I’m being ridiculous but I feel so enraged that I’ve been with our daughter all day and he’s only spared me 30 mins... I know he’s been working but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler.

I don’t know whether I’m being selfish resenting him for going to work and doing his own thing, as I know it’s healthy to live separate lives but since I’ve become a stay at home mum my life is just looking after our daughter which I love but it takes it toll.

Any advice how I can stop feeling so angry towards my OH? It’s becoming harder and harder to hide my rage...

What both KarlKennedy and Annasgirl have said.

Do not have another baby with this man until you have addressed the inequality within your relationship. He works? OK, and what are you doing? Is that not work? Why is that not counted as work? Oh, because he's not paying you to look after his child, look after his home, cook for him, clean for him, skivvy for him......

Yep. I see he thinks he's too important now to have to bother, and you are his handmaiden so that he can just do whatever he feels like doing without bothering about any of those small inconveniences like, who's putting my child to bed? who's cooking my dinner? who's washing my clothes?

He probably thinks like this:
What's a wife for?
Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Everything else

Nip it in the bud before it gets that bad.

Being a SAHM is not for everyone but I think the experience you’re having is heightened due to the current situation. I’m sure if you could spend the day going to play groups or coffees with friends etc you might not find it as intense.

However, I don’t personally think it’s for me. I’m currently at home with mine and honestly I love him and he’s quite easy going but I’m desperate for some adult conversation and not negotiating with a non verbal toddler on the 45th tantrum of the day.

However, I get done whAt I can in the day and whatever I don’t is shared equally when my DP comes home. This is what will help you with your rage. I don’t understand what people think others do who work full time and don’t have people at home to clean/ cook. They do it after work...

That, and ensuring you take time for yourself catching up with friends will probably help you gain some perspective that this isn’t his fault and he is allowed a hobby once a week but he shouldn’t get to go to work/ hobbies and come home whilst you still have things to do in your shared home.

Why does it make no sense for you to get a job just because you are planning on becoming pregnant "within the next few years?" Even if you only worked for a year you would have a) a whole years wages b) maternity leave paid c) ni contributions. Your Dd is old enough to get your free nursery funding hours now so even if you were planning on getting pregnant today you could still work for a few months if you could find a job and get some pay if you hate being a Sahm that much!

Also if you make your partner's every drink then that is mad and on you!

It's also not his fault you don't have a hobby and can't get round to planning things with your friends!

Sounds like he's working pretty hard if he's doing 12 hours days with the responsibility of unexpectedly becoming the sole breadwinner - playing football with his mates once or twice a week isn't too much to expect to relax from that. Of course he should be doing a lot more around the house but why the fuck are you enabling him not to? Presumably if you didn't make a drink for him he wouldn't just lie there and die of thirst...so just don't do it.

What was the childcare / housework split like before you were made redundant? You should still be splitting the evening and weekend chores.

Make sure you have as much free time as he does - he's gone out tonight, so you get an evening off tomorrow or Friday. Maybe you don't want to go out, but even if you stay in, he's on parent and cooking duty.

No need for you to be a SAHP if you don't want to. Start job hunting.

If you do have another baby... and I can't emphasise this enough... insist that he takes at least 3 months of parental leave.

Lottie, you reasonably ask Why? Why? Why? Why?

I suppose the reason I put it like that is that the husband can't have it all ways. If he wants to be the 'absent parent' who goes to work, comes home for half an hour, then fucks off to play golf, he can't expect his partner to hang around waiting for scraps of him whilst feeling resentful.

If she can't find another job (which I assume is what she would like to do), then one solution really is to embrace SAHMing and building a full and happy life for herself and her child (or children, if she has another), consisting of children, friends and wider family (if they are close by - mine weren't). What her husband does will then not particularly trouble her, as he will become ever more irrelevant.

I also agree with Stuffedpenguin. I'd be bored rigid with wedding plans, and I really can't imagine that any man would be very interested. They are, objectively, very, very dull.

insist that he takes at least 3 months of parental leave

You see, I disagree with this too. I was desperate for my husband to go back to work and leave me to get on with it without his interference, once it came to the second child. The last thing I would have wanted was him hanging around, offering his pearls of wisdom. Much better for him to be elsewhere.

I definitely dont think working is easier than looking after a toddler! I think working is massively stressful and would love to be able to work less hours.

If he is working then presumably he is paying for you and the toddler to live so I cant see what you are angry about. Start looking for other jobs if you dont want to be or cant afford to be at home.

I think you need to cherish this time with your daughter, the weather is nice you can go to the park, feed the ducks, paint, bake, play in a paddling pool. Enjoy watching her joy and her develop.

How can you be jealous of your DH being out of the house at work for 12 hrs, bizarre!

You might not get the opportunity to have this time again with your daughter and will be at school in another year. Frustrating for your DH to go straight out but once a week ok and good to exercise. Can you have a night off each week too?

At least go for equal downtime. He gets an evening off, you get an evening off. He gets a lie in at teh weekend, so do you. He gets a day off at teh weekend, so do you. My husband only understood this when I pointed out all the time he regularly got to himself, to 'rest' and I asked him "When is my rest time??".

Don't plan on not going back to work unless you are sure you want to sacrifice your career. It will not be the same if you have time out. You can still have another child and go back to work, even if you don't get paid maternity leave apart from MA.

You need to rebalance household tasks and admin or this will never change. You are already fed up and resentful. This will.not get better with a second child and your future earning potential and career prospects will be worse.

This makes no sense. Ranting and raving at him because you’ve lost your job is extremely unfair and possibly abusive. You hate being a SAHM fine find another job then don’t plan to have another baby and be a SAHM 🙄.

If she can't find another job (which I assume is what she would like to do), then one solution really is to embrace SAHMing and building a full and happy life for herself and her child (or children, if she has another), consisting of children, friends and wider family (if they are close by - mine weren't). What her husband does will then not particularly trouble her, as he will become ever more irrelevant.

You say that like it’s a good thing

If you’re raging with how things are now with one child then why on earth would you have another? That makes no sense. Get yourself back to work and get your life back!

I definitely wouldn't be planning to have another child while feeling resentful of my OH's life outside of the home.

I also think the "making him every meal" is a cop out - I do our weekly meal plan and food shopping, but DH would never dare to not bother to look in the fridge to make his own (or even my) lunch! I also do 90% of the cooking but that's because 6 out of 7 nights DH does bedtime with our 7 month old.

You say you resent that he went out to play football, but also say you don't do anything because you don't get round to making plans. You can't blame him for that! So say Monday evening he plays football and Thursday evening you do something - even just have a long bath with the door shut while he does the child care!

Have you discussed with him how you're feeling? Not all women are destined to be SAHM or housewives and that's ok. But I definitely wouldn't consider trying for another baby when you already hate the current situation you are in!

There's still an awful lot of 'helping' going on here. Lots of pp saying their dhs 'help' with x or y chore or bit of childcare. Somehow that still seems to be the default. Even if they are doing a lot, it's seen as 'good' and 'lucky' instead of just the norm. Noone thinks I'm 'good' because I keep on top of the laundry. OP, I don't think you're about to throw your long term life plan out if the window but I do think you need to sit your DH down and tell him how you feel and what needs to change in order for things to move forward. Ask him why he wants child 2. How dies he envision that working? What is he prepared to change or give up to manage the expanding family? Put it back on him to give concrete answers that aren't just 'you do everything'

Totally get you. Look for a job.

Don't have another baby, you already have 2 to look after by the sound of it. Go back to work and you'll be much happier, and in a better position financially if things don't work out with him.

Unless he's at footie practice every night so that you can't (for example) go to the gym or run I don't think he's done much wrong really. As long as you both get the chance to go out separately or together if a friend/grandparent babysit, I can't see the problem. I can see how it can cause resentment but at the moment in time you can't share domestic chores/childcare down the middle.

Hopefully all this is a temporary blip. X

If you are furious and miserable then why would you marry and have another child with someone that isn't helping you?

You've clearly said you don't want to be a SAHP. So go back to work - there is nothing to stop you TTC as planned after you marry. You've only been out of work for 4 months.

Have you spoken to him about a division of labour? This sounds like a communication issue. He needs to be carrying his fair share around the house. He might be useless at cooking but that doesn't mean he couldn't clean the bathroom. Plus you don't need to make every single drink for him!

PS. And I would tell him clearly that you understand he's desperate for another baby, but that seems to be because he's not really involved in parenting the one he's got.

Will go back and read full thread but 1. Get a job. There is NO point staying in this setup that makes you miserable. Imagine if it took a year to have a second, that’s a year you could be doing something more satisfying!!

1. Ease off on the wedding planning, that’s supposed to be both of you. It’s just you and you don’t have time so it’s not happening.
2. Dh cooks dinner Saturday or Sunday (pick one) for the family. Role modelling for his child and being a decent partner to the woman he’d like to marry. You’re not the domestic servant. I wouldn’t have one child with a guy who can’t cook. Imagine him doing everything around the house the first two weeks after you have no2. Now write a list of things he needs to be capable of, and get going. Cooking dinner is obviously also planning a meal, writing a list and finding stuff at the shops. Taking dd with him to shops, she will have a great time sitting in the trolley.

That’s the start.

I can’t believe some people truly think looking after one child is harder than every single job out there. You wouldn’t think someone like, a surgeon has an easier time of it than someone being a SAHP to one child. The mind boggles. (People will come for me now saying “what about SN childen” so are intentionally failing to see the point).

I don't think it's harder, but I found it more demanding because it's repetitive, fairly teedious, you don't really get a moment to yourself (at least at work I can have a wee alone) etc rather than intellectually and physically harder. I guess because i don't find parenting natural and I love my job I found it hard to be away doing that, if that makes sense.

OP I fully empathise and support you right now, I was furloughed whilst DH continued to work from home, 3 months later I've been made redundant, I've very fortunately got a new job but I cannot start it because nursery isn't fully open and my previous employer are still dicking me around (pretending the redundancy has been carried out fairly) so I've had to delay my start date.

I have had enough. I've never not worked, my career is important to me and I've always been the equal or higher earner. Being a SAHM for the past 5 months has nearly broken me, mostly because there's nothing I could do about it. I also realise that I would be completely unreasonable NOT to be the homekeeper now as I've not a lot else to do.

I start my new job in a few weeks, DD goes back to nursery full-ish time then and hopefully life will start to return to some sort of normality and I can't wait.

I actually don't think you're being unreasonable being livid your DH has gone to work all day then fucked off after half an hour. It's OK for him, he's had human interaction, stimulation all day whilst you've not. These are unusual times and I don't think it's unreasonable to want your partner to spend more than 30 minutes with you when you've been alone with young DC all day.

Finally, these boards are full of women who gave up work to be a SAHM then found themselves unable to look after themselves if the relationship went sour. The reality is, 50% of marriages don't work so please don't ever be reliant on your DH, do go back to work and focus on your career too. I suspect too that men who are the sole earners can sometimes become resentful at paying for their partner to sit at home with the children because they have absolutely no perception that that is actually far harder work than any job!

Best of luck OP. Hope things pick up soon for you

I get it!!

In a similar situation, have an 1 year old, pregnant and WFM. My husband finishes at lunch time on Fridays and on his way home he called to say he won't be home till late as he's going round his mates... I was raging too!!

I am also concious that I'm very sensitive as lock down has obviously had a much bigger impact on me than my husband and some of my family as I enjoy my job and it was taken from me and it does often feel like the whole world is carrying on without me.. which I know rationally isn't true but it's hard not to be irrational about it when you're locked in 24/7 with a toddler.. you haven't put much context in your post and you said since lockdown you've started to resent him.. does this mean before he pulled his weight?? Before would going to football of been an issue?

You do need to figure out if the problem is him or you.. you being frustrated he has a job and you don't isn't his fault and I don't mean that to sound nasty because I totally get where you're coming from but for me I know the issue is I'm jealous of him because I can't carry on as normal and that isn't his fault. I do really look forward to him coming home and entertaining the baby and having an adult to talk to that I'm so angry when he doesn't but reality is normally it wouldn't be a problem at all. X