Accidental housewife and resenting my OH

[Poppysmummy92]

This is my first post...which I think is just a vent but I’m hoping it makes me feel better!!

I’ve been with my OH for 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together, we’re due to get married next month. Until 4 months ago I’ve ALWAYS worked, atleast 4 days a week since I was 16 (11 years ago) but due to covid-19 I was made redundant and became an “accidental housewife”....since this has happened I’m becoming so jealous of my OH’s life as he works and has a life outside of the home meanwhile I’m doing every single thing around the house/wedding admin/childcare and it’s driving me up the wall.

An example, my OH went out to work at 6.30am this morning and didn’t get in till 6.30pm, he then went back out at 7pm for football training and I am RAGING at him. He is raging that I’m raging and says that I’m being ridiculous but I feel so enraged that I’ve been with our daughter all day and he’s only spared me 30 mins... I know he’s been working but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler.

I don’t know whether I’m being selfish resenting him for going to work and doing his own thing, as I know it’s healthy to live separate lives but since I’ve become a stay at home mum my life is just looking after our daughter which I love but it takes it toll.

Any advice how I can stop feeling so angry towards my OH? It’s becoming harder and harder to hide my rage...

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

He didn't have to go out and play football the selfish bastard. I expect he doesn't actually care that you're stuck at home. He will be very keen to protect the status quo.

Blimey the bloke went out to play football after work, we have no idea if this is every night or a once a week hobby and you’re jumping to call him a selfish bastard? Is he supposed to give up any social activities outside work, however infrequent they may actually be, because his partner got made redundant and so he has to be her permanent adult companion? That’s ridiculous, horribly unfair and actually far more selfish than going out to play football if it is only once a week or so. If being at home all day means the husband isn’t allowed to leave the house after working hours then that’s yet another reason why being a SAHM will never work in this case and the OP should get back out to work pronto!

Ridiculous you are even thinking about another baby when he does fuck all to help with the one you got.

If your planning on having another child, do you think he will continue to not do as much around the home? You need to set the boundaries until you can find a job. This situation may go on for a while.
I know it's hard with men sometimes: they don't see the work involved or when the drudge things need doing. Life admin etc probably doesn't enter his head when his out at work and they do tend to use this an excuse to want ' me time' when they get back. It's tough when it's not an even playing field and organizing a wedding is hard on your own too.

The health crisis and loss of people's jobs has opened up a chasm and its nearly always the women that lose out if they lose their careers as they are then fair game to do everything in the home : this may have worked years ago, but women today want more and their own independence. Some Men do find this hard to grasp!
I hope you can find a job soon but maybe having a big conversation with him might not go amiss to explain how you feel and make sure the chores are 50/50 , as much as you can! I can sympathize here , but he may just need things being pointed out to him and set aside weekends to help you or time when he gets home from work. He may also just think
' poppy is now at home , she has lots of time! '
You don't , but they can't see it! Looking after small children is hard going every day and although some people don't mind it all for others it's not what they want to do.

I really don’t think he did anything wrong by going to play football and you do need to get over the perception that staying at home is much harder than working. For many people it really isn’t. If you are finding it hard with one 3 year old, I’d really re-consider whether you want to add another baby to the mix now. I have found 2 to be much, much harder than one. Each one on their own is lovely- both together sends my stress levels soaring. The longer you spend out of work the harder it will be and you clearly are not enjoying being a sahm.

I think If furlough/no school has taught everyone anything it’s to never ask a SAHM ‘what she does all day’ ever again. smile

I also disagree with this. Lockdown coincided with a period of maternity leave. Our lives were much easier when I was ‘off’ and effective a sahm than when we were both trying to juggle work and the children. If anything it has cemented my view that a sahm lifestyle would be lovely and much less stressful (especially with school age children).

Hmm? of course being a SAHM is easier than trying to juggle childcare and working, all at the same time. Usually when people work, they have childcare provided by other people.

I don't think it's a question of working is easier than being a SAHM. It can be quite stressful in either position if you are not cut out for it and don't particularly enjoy it.

@Viviennemary

I don't think it's a question of working is easier than being a SAHM. It can be quite stressful in either position if you are not cut out for it and don't particularly enjoy it.

This! I’m bewildered when people make these blanket statements about which is easier, with such conviction, seemingly totally oblivious to the fact that everyone’s circumstances are different. Children are different, jobs are different, people have different support networks, different commutes, different partners...how difficult is it to understand that working is easier for some people and being a SAHM is easier for others?!

And of course, actually wanting to do one or the other means that you will always find it easier because you’re enjoying it. I would loathe being a full time SAHM in all honesty, however much I adore my children, I need the balance of work and home to stay sane. So for me having my job is easier although looking at the facts on paper, SAH with no nursery run, no commute etc. would be easier.

Let’s just stop making wild blanket statements and insisting that they apply to everyone, just because they apply to your situation!

@lottiegarbanzo

Hmm? of course being a SAHM is easier than trying to juggle childcare and working, all at the same time. Usually when people work, they have childcare provided by other people.

Not for me it’s not easier. Nursery is at the end of my road and husband does half of nursery runs. Short commute on my bike to work, although currently wfh. Spend the day sitting peacefully at my desk doing nicely challenging work and drinking tea. Very flexible if I need to take time off for sickness etc and husband does half of any such sick days. Much easier than chasing my two children under three around all day! I love my days off with them and wouldn’t lose that time for the world but is it easier? Most certainly not.

As per my post above, there is no approach that is easier for everyone because everyone is different

Oh no @lottiegarbanzo I’ve realised I completely misread your post! Ignore me! Yes definitely working with no childcare equals total nightmare

You already have two children by the sounds of it..

Add another child, plus say, 5 more years of being his wife (slave): fetching his drinks, planning his meals, ironing his fucking pants and doing all the life admin.. Not to mention giving up your career potential and earning prospects... Just think how raging you’ll be then eh?

OP, wake up and stop sleep walking into a life of misery and drudge!