Accidental housewife and resenting my OH

[Poppysmummy92]

This is my first post...which I think is just a vent but I’m hoping it makes me feel better!!

I’ve been with my OH for 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together, we’re due to get married next month. Until 4 months ago I’ve ALWAYS worked, atleast 4 days a week since I was 16 (11 years ago) but due to covid-19 I was made redundant and became an “accidental housewife”....since this has happened I’m becoming so jealous of my OH’s life as he works and has a life outside of the home meanwhile I’m doing every single thing around the house/wedding admin/childcare and it’s driving me up the wall.

An example, my OH went out to work at 6.30am this morning and didn’t get in till 6.30pm, he then went back out at 7pm for football training and I am RAGING at him. He is raging that I’m raging and says that I’m being ridiculous but I feel so enraged that I’ve been with our daughter all day and he’s only spared me 30 mins... I know he’s been working but still, working as we all know is way easier than looking after a toddler.

I don’t know whether I’m being selfish resenting him for going to work and doing his own thing, as I know it’s healthy to live separate lives but since I’ve become a stay at home mum my life is just looking after our daughter which I love but it takes it toll.

Any advice how I can stop feeling so angry towards my OH? It’s becoming harder and harder to hide my rage...

Why on earth would you have another baby when you feel like this?! Absolute madness. Working around two children is so much harder than one if you are desperate to return to work. Just doesn’t make any sense to have another.

How are your finances split... do you pool all your income? Have equal spending money? I get the feeling there’s a lot of inequality going on and wondered if it’s in all aspects of the relationship.

@Stingybath am not saying I disagree with you...but what you describe as “repetitive” and “tedious” equals boring. It’s boring drudge work, but in & of itself it’s not “hard”. It’s one neurotypical child to care for. It’s not rocket science. For SAHP’s to assume that their job is harder than every single possible job to me shows how out of touch they are with the working world.

I worked in digital media & can tell you the people many people at the daily mail won’t be taking lunch breaks, they will be lucky to grab a quick lunch & scoff it at their desk & when you’re on deadline going to the toilet IS your break, you’ve been sat at your desk wanting to piss yourself for ages but couldn’t get away.

So this concept that every job involves leisurely lunch breaks & swanning off to the loo whenever you like simply isn’t true.

Are you marrying him hoping he’ll change? That’s folly. It’s best you don’t give up your earning potential - you’ll need that when it all falls apart. Get a job! Think hard before going for a second baby.

@vikingwife it depends what job you do, mine involves a lunch break, I dont have to wait around to go to the loo, and get paid nearly 6 figures for the honour- we all make our choices. I agree, work itself is harder, but for me being at home was mentally etc harder because I hated it.

Does he listen to you when you raise your concerns? I'd be thinking twice about marrying him if this is how he treats you.

Also though it's all subjective isn't it, there will never be a definitive answer as people's opinions and experiences vary, and that's okay. But for some it is harder being at home with a toddler than being at work, I don't take that to mean that they're saying it's harder than work for everyone.

Are you really going to marry this man? Why?

I hear you op - l would give my right arm to get out the house for a few hours every day at the moment. But to be fair, it isn't his fault, it is just a shitty situation. Maybe when he gets home one night, you can get out for a while for some headspace

vikingwife - It depends what you mean by 'hard'. My DH and I both worked 4 days/wk and looked after the kids 1 day/wk. We both agreed that the day of looking after the kids was far harder than the others, and that going to work was a rest after that!

Looking after the kids wasn't intellectually hard (I have a PhD, and my job is quite academic, so working was certainly 'harder' from that point of view), but it was tedious and repetitive, utterly unrelenting, and no... I didn't even get toilet breaks because my kids would follow me in there.

I worked in digital media & can tell you the people many people at the daily mail won’t be taking lunch breaks, they will be lucky to grab a quick lunch & scoff it at their desk & when you’re on deadline going to the toilet IS your break, you’ve been sat at your desk wanting to piss yourself for ages but couldn’t get away.

Not sure trying to convince women that those who work at the Daily Mail have a much harder time is quite the argument you think it is

Not sure trying to convince women that those who work at the Daily Mail have a much harder time is quite the argument you think it is grin

Have you thought through your plans and expectations vs the actual lived reality?

You’ve had a taste of being a SAHM and you don’t like it and have seen your husband to be is not really stepping up now he is working outside the home and your work is 100% in the home.

Just because you planned for another baby doesn’t mean you still should have one. Can you really see yourself pregnant and then looking after a newborn / young baby / toddler while doing all the school runs? And having years more out of your career?

Would that truly make you happy even if your husband picked up more of the slack? Because if not, there’s no reason why your vision for your life can’t change. You could choose to stick at one child or wait until things have settled more and you’re back in work to think about getting pregnant again.

I guess all I’m saying is you seem to assume that because you planned for another baby that’s what will happen, but your actual experience has shown you SAH parenting is not for you. Nothing wrong in that, it’s not for lots of people. Don’t tie yourself to that plan if it doesn’t suit you, your fiancé and your daughter.

OP,
You are not happy with the drudgery of one child and are planning another because your husband to be, who doesn't lift a finger is desperate!!!

Are you out of your mind?

Why would you even consider tying yourself down.

He's shown you how much he contributes with one and now wants another.

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to work rather than be at home.

Your focus should be on getting another job asap.

It amazes me the way some women motor on having child after child with some lazy man who spends limited time with his child, does nothing around the house but really wants children.

Madness.

Nothing wrong with having an only child and telling him that one is enough......

"I have carried the weight of this child and home and I'm not pushed about being some baby machine to advertise your virility, while you do fxxk all to help with the work load".

From what you have written OP, you will loathe the step up from one to two, particularly as you have a toddler that would most likely be close to starting school, when you are beginning the whole process again.

Wishing you well.

@LannieDuck there are plenty of people that do PhDs in childcare, early years development and education. So I assume it can be as intellectually challenging as you want to make it - if you approach it as data gathering and analysis . No less relenting.

I used daily mail because it’s something familiar here which many people may not consider would be hard. You’d think that’d be a “fun” job sitting at a computer all day, but a desk job can still be relentless & stressful & just because you have a lunch break written into your contract means nothing, because if you want to go home at a reasonable hour you will work through it. I have never worked for the daily mail, though they do have an Australian version now

I think the main question here is.. has he always been like this or did he start slacking because you're at home now?

So he lets you do everything, you have to be both his mother and his domestic servant while also expecting to still be attracted to him, he fucks off to do his hobby, takes no responsibility and has no idea what's in the cupboards and GIVES NO SHIT ABOUT HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE!!!! Why are you marrying a lazy bastard who doesn't make you happy?! Honestly cannot even bother to give you advice. He sounds like a shit but you have to take responsibility for your choices. You are choosing to stay home and have another baby with a man who has already shown you how shit he is.

Have to agree that it’s not his fault, sorry.
Is there an outside interest you pursue? Are you able to continue?

@Northernlights855 I think doing a PhD in childcare is a bit different to looking after your own children. For a start, you wouldn't be expected to pull the night shift every night!

I guess I could have written a dissertation on them - might have made things a bit more interesting than the 15th teddy bear's picnic! - but given they wouldn't leave me alone long enough to read a page of a book (or go for a wee), I doubt they would have tolerated me doing a literature review into the topic

“ ...but given they wouldn't leave me alone long enough to read a page of a book (or go for a wee), I doubt they would have tolerated me doing a literature review into the topic.”

😂😂😂

could see how this could be tricky. Maybe a coauthored article then...

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

I think the main question here is.. has he always been like this or did he start slacking because you're at home now?

I think this is an important question if the Op comes back.

I don’t for one minute think that being a SAHM makes you a domestic slave or that your priority shouldn’t be the childcare rather than housework. However, I do think that if you’re not in paid work and are at home with one NT three year old to look after them the majority of day to day housework should be done during that time in between toddler activities and play. As a PP said they can get involved in all kinds of tasks like washing, preparing food - my three year old loved ‘helping’ me with stuff like that. And they should be capable of small periods of independent play.

If I were out working 12 hours a day and my partner hadn’t done any housework and we were to split it 50/50 in the evenings, after they had been at home with one three year old all day, I wouldn’t be very impressed. I wouldn’t expect to do nothing, but I wouldn’t be expecting to do half either.

Putting aside how much is or isn’t fair for your husband to be doing at home, I think the main issue here is that you don’t WANT to be a stay at home parent or responsible for most of the housework and that’s fine. I wouldn’t either tbh! You haven’t chosen this life yet you seem remarkably quick to accept that you will trap yourself in it by having another baby and not even attempting to get a job. So even if your partner picks up his act and does more of a fair share, you will still be miserable and resentful because you ultimately want to be out at work. So please listen to all the sound advice on here, park any thoughts of getting pregnant and focus on getting back into work.

there are plenty of people that do PhDs in childcare, early years development and education are there? Never heard of a childcare based Phd.

He didn't have to go out and play football the selfish bastard. I expect he doesn't actually care that you're stuck at home. He will be very keen to protect the status quo.

@pinkyredrose

www.crec.co.uk/PhD

Sounds very interesting 🧐

if he doesn't work - how will you have money to live? Stop making his food and fetching his drinks, stop doing his laundry. And maybe re-think if you want to have another child with him, you sound quite resentful of him. Have you sat down and spoken to him re childcare? I mean, the job bit is not his fault. Does he play football daily? or is is a one off? Does he pull his weight at the weekend? Do you get your own time to do what you want?