AIBU to not trust my gut on man I'm dating?

[StartingAgain33]

I've been dating someone for three months. He's thoughtful, intelligent, successful, wants the same things in life as me and has made it clear that he sees a future with me (as much as someone can in such a short space of time). He also has literally built my dream life and is inviting me to be a part of it. But my gut keeps telling me to run away, and my therapist says that one of my key challenges is learning to tune into and act on my gut. I'm obsessing and would love your thoughts.

I worry I'm focusing on the negatives too much. I'm about to be 36, keen to have children and tired of being in a dating pool with guys that either don't have their shit together and so by default aren't ready for kids, or who are emotionally avoidant and not willing to put their cards on the table. This guy is neither of those things, and is up for doing the work of a real relationship. So I worry this is just my commitment issues - and potentially anxiety at having met someone so amazing - coming to the fore. What would you think?

Good things:

• He is open about wanting to settle down, feeling ready for children (a priority for me), about having done the necessary work to get to this point with a therapist (he went to boarding school from a young age and was very starved of love - so had a very avoidant dating pattern). He had one 18 month relationship which ended last year which he said went a long way to healing some of his commitment issues. However, he never loved her and they broke it off as they both felt (I think it was more that he felt) that what they had wasn't 'enough'. This was after they had moved in together to test the relationship (I kind of think you should know if you love someone before making that move, and wonder how much anxiety she was hiding?)
• He is very successful and leads a really great life. He's open and generous with this life - introducing me to friends and family, making fun trips happen all the time
• His future vision is the same as mine to an uncanny degree
• He's not afraid to challenge me and be honest about things, something which I find difficult (I have an anxious attachment pattern)
• Seems to have a realistic view of what to expect from relationships
• He's very good at going for what he wants and making things happen, which I find attractive
• Has great, very close long-term friendships - shows he is capable of longer term intimacy
• Is very up for 'doing the work' in a relationship
• Is kind when I open up to him about difficulties, and makes an effort to be there for me
• Is very consistent with communication, very much leading on this aspect of our relationship

Bad things:

• He has a very avoidant past (41 years old, has had one relationship in the past 20 or so years and many flings), and I think may have difficulty in general connecting to people. Even though I know this, I keep blame myself for what I feel is a lack of connection in our interactions (I'm not sure he feels this too, although I'm thinking about asking him as it's driving me crazy - like an elephant in the room)
• I just have a terrible gut feeling a lot of the time. When I'm with him, there's a sort of stilted atmosphere (I feel) and I don't feel able to relax. We hardly laugh. He's quiet quite a lot. He's been honest that he has abandonment issues and that he is hypervigilant to signs of rejection, which makes him quiet, so I've tried to have patience with it but I also feel hypervigilant around him. I've tried to spend lots of time with him to get over this and it's still there most of the time
• Talks about relationships as 'work' a lot - feels a little joyless
• Despite talking quite a lot about money / having lots of investments and also enough savings to never have to work again, he has let me somehow do all of the grocery shopping for every visit we've had. Majority of these have been me going to his city, which is nicer to hang out in as it's close to the countryside, so I'm spending money on train tickets AND about £80 at least every single time. This is really stacking up. In comparison, he knows that at 35 I'm still saving for a housing deposit and am going through an expensive egg freezing process. He is extremely frugal in general. The one time he paid of out food on a visit (because I lost my bank card) he asked me to settle up with him afterwards. He probably doesn't realise how much I've spent, as I've not communicated this and frankly find it awkward and quite rude that he wouldn't enquire himself or just say 'I'll pay for groceries next time'. Of all the things, strangely, this one makes me most angry and uncomfortable. I guess because we're from very different social classes and I would never want to be seen as a gold digger (he knows this, we've spoken about the fact that I've always dated people from a 'higher' class than me and that I've always gone at least halves or paid for more because I don't want to be seen as with them for their money)
• I find our conversation often turns to serious subjects - trauma, how messed up someone is, work stuff - and there is little lightness. He is a thoughtful and quite serious character, I think, but I also worry this is just a chemistry thing and he'd be better with someone else (which then makes me want to fix it)
• Because he's very open about wanting to settle down, it can sometimes make me feel like he is being spurred by that rather than wanting to be with ME. This could be my paranoia. But he doesn't often express how he actually feels about me, or why. He expresses his affection, I guess, through wanting to spend lots of time together, but even this feels a little intense / out of kilter with our level of emotional intimacy. Lockdown and living in different cities doesn't help - our dates are several days long, which I think I find a bit much
• He's commented a few times about how I have a higher sex drive than him / enjoy it more. This makes me feel self conscious about asking for sex. When I did the one time, last week, he was too tired. We didn't have enough physical closeness in my four day visit for me to feel particularly cared for or happy. In general I find him just quite distant. Sex feels a little transactional - like he'll do the minimum to make me orgasm, then he's like 'job done' and then gets his and it's over. There isn't enough kissing or general sensuality for me. I don't feel very connected with him
• I said I was uncomfy meeting his parents on our third ever date (it was a week long, and we'd been talking on zoom for a month before meeting, plus we actually know eachother from 13 years ago in a work context, but still). He said that was fine and they weren't coming, then the day before told me they actually were and I could 'hide in the house as they'd be in the garden and he'd just say I had lots of work to do' if I wanted. I felt intensely uncomfy with this setup so just met them anyway, but felt very awkward. He hadn't seen them all lockdown, and apparently it was just circumstantial that they visited that day, but I felt a little blindsided. I also met his sister and niece on the day, had been living with his other sister for a week and had spent the day with his best friends that week also. It all felt a little much

So - am I looking a gifthorse in the mouth? My anxiety levels are through the roof on this. For some reason I feel like I need to end it NOW even though I know there's loads of great things going for this guy. Any idea what might be going on?

Oh bloody hell, sorry for not rtwt!

I think saying that you don't laugh much together, his sex drive is lower than yours at this very early stage and the meanness are all red flags. Sorry I really wanted to like him and hoped for a positive vibe but it's just too many issues to ignore.

Why on earth did you ask him for another talk? Just end it FFS! And who cares what he thinks of you when you dump him?

He's going to be able to walk away saying I was some weird penny pincher who needed to have every penny reimbursed or something.

Why does what he thinks matter to you?

Your responsibility is to look after you and make the right decisions for you based on how you feel

You did that, money being one of the red flags

Just because he's decided to backtrack on the money as a one off - doesn't mean your gut was wrong. I bet if you continue to date him he'll revert

And what about all the other red flags?

Start making choices for you and not worrying about what idiots think of your choices

And dump him via text as he's decided to strop

Too. Much. Hard. Work. Early on it should not be like this.
He sounds like someone who puts people on a pedestal and then doesn't like the reality of them pretty quickly.
It also sounds like you are doing most of the hard work.
Forget this one op.

He’s tight OP. He sounds pretty awful.

Hi @StartingAgain33 - no it's not the same one from reading all of your posts thoroughly. I think I've just had a very similar experience with somebody in the same location! Must be something in the water

I'll reply to your PM later, just playing catch up on life after a busy day. Hope all is okay.

Run for hills. Every relationship has its issues but honestly this seems like so much hard work for very little.

He knows you're planning to end it and is avoiding the conversation hoping that by next week you'll change your mind. Don't. Just dump him by text and move on.
"I hoped to talk in person, to let you know that I am ending this relationship now. I have not been enjoying our time together because there is no connection between us and instead it feels like an ongoing challenge. I appreciate you've mentioned your own issues with the relationship, so I hope this comes as a relief to you too. I wish you all the best for the future."

where he basically said that paying me back wasn't an issue and that I should have spoken up earlier) had made him feel shit and he wanted some space, so could we talk next week
If it wasn't an issue, why would he need some space? Seems manipulative again. He is trying to appear fair and generous, but subtly punishing you for standing up for yourself.

If DH didn't make me laugh, was mean, a misery and hard work I would never have married him. You make this relationship sound dull and joyless. People who are mean/tight with money lack generosity in all kinds of ways - soul, love, spirit- and are often controlling.

Trust your gut instincts. Always trust them. They exist to protect us. You deserve better.

A decent guy who fancied you would never have let you pay for all of those groceries in the first place. He's now annoyed that you've called him out on his cheapness and trying to save face.

Is all this angst because he's posh and has money? I bet if he was on benefits in living in a bedsit you wouldn't care half so much, OP.

It's all bollocks anyway - you don't click or make each other happy so there's no point in giving it so much headspace.

He sounds bloody awful. You sound kind and nice.
Have you actually ditched him yet? If not, please do it now. And don’t waste another second worrying about what he thinks, cos he’s a twat.

He's controlling OP. And this is another way to control the situation. He knows you want to break up but conveniently the talk will be on his terms. His little 'jokes' (they arent, they're put-downs) are meant to belittle you. He'll wear you down so subtly you won't recognise it. Then he can control everything. He already is. He's already got you questioning your stance over the whole money thing. You weren't wrong. He sounds bloody awful.

Off-topic, but if you have any semblance of an anxiety disorder, then trusting your gut is always a terrible idea. If I trusted my gut, I'd never leave the house.

Best thing to do here is weigh up the pros and cons logically and ignore any supposed 'gut instincts'.

He is not the right one for you.

He's going to be able to walk away saying I was some weird penny pincher who needed to have every penny reimbursed or something.

Who cares? He's the nobber who didn't pay his way. I've dated men vastly richer and vastly poorer than myself. The meanest people I've ever experienced are rich men, with old money. New money, fine. Old poverty, fine. But old money? Tighter than a duck's arse. Fair play, that's how they own everything in the world. But I can't be doing with it.

My dad always explains it as the difference between being careful and being mean. Careful is not buying yourself things you don't need. Mean is never treating someone.

Well, what would you tell a friend in this situation to do? Stick with the should be plausible guy who appears wealthy (not that she'd ever know it), and is mean, lies, puts himself first, and is a dud root.

You were treated like shit, financially - by a rich guy in the early stages of what should be courtship.

You spoke up about it - oh, his feelings were hurt! you should have said something earlier! None of this is of course his fault.

A gentleman would have been utterly mortified, and apologised, and made a gesture that demonstrated he fully understood he'd been an unthinking twat.

This prick has you second-guessing yourself.

He's a class act, isn't he. Manipulative, sly, and/or a giant sulky baby.
And tight!

What's the point of this fellow who gives you a strange feeling you feel the need to dismiss, who doesn't make you laugh, and presumably doesn't care if you ever come! That's not going to improve.

This is the honeymoon phase! God help you if you ever married him.

This guy sounds like a guy I was dating a few months back. The rest of his mask fell off about 5 months in, he was actually a Narcissist.

Look up the signs on You Tube, see if you can spot him.

Your gut isn't wrong.

Run as fast as you can and never look back .. absolutely no way. The money thing is awful and you should pull him up on this absolutely

@StartingAgain33 Have sent you a PM as you asked what I do :)

Having seen your update that he wants to talk, my advice is you walk away and don't give him any more time.

I've had men like him in the past and they are - quite bluntly- head fucks.

They have issues and are confused, but they also can't bear to be seen as the 'bad guy' .

A lot of what he is doing (subconsciously most likely) is controlling you. He wants this to be all on his terms - even the ending of it, if that's going to happen. He is also making you feel guilty over the money issue.

I don't think you have had ONE post in all 19 pages where anyone has said he's worth another chance or might be The One.

Are we all wrong?

If you want children, you owe it to yourself to walk away from this NOW.
Every minute you spend thinking about it is wasting precious time. Use that time to understand your emotions and be ready for the next man who comes into your life.

This relationship with this man is not going anywhere. Face up to that.

The risk is you will waste another 3 or 6 months of your precious fertile years ( and egg freezing has a small success rate- it's no guarantee) on a man who is not worthy of you.

Read that again not worthy of you.

You deserve better. Up your self-worth, stop behaving as if you are desperate (even if you are, it's death to any relationship and will bring out the worst in sociopathic men). Read about push-pull behaviour because that is what you are both in.

Please, just end it and move on.

@cbt944

Well, what would you tell a friend in this situation to do? Stick with the should be plausible guy who appears wealthy (not that she'd ever know it), and is mean, lies, puts himself first, and is a dud root.

You were treated like shit, financially - by a rich guy in the early stages of what should be courtship.

You spoke up about it - oh, his feelings were hurt! you should have said something earlier! None of this is of course his fault.

A gentleman would have been utterly mortified, and apologised, and made a gesture that demonstrated he fully understood he'd been an unthinking twat.

This prick has you second-guessing yourself.

He's a class act, isn't he. Manipulative, sly, and/or a giant sulky baby.
And tight!

What's the point of this fellow who gives you a strange feeling you feel the need to dismiss, who doesn't make you laugh, and presumably doesn't care if you ever come! That's not going to improve.

This is the honeymoon phase! God help you if you ever married him.

Just to clarify, he did say he was sorry and that he hadn't realised and that he always likes being fair / this wasn't characteristic etc. He also transferred £250 to my account this morning which was probably more than he owed if we're just counting groceries (maybe not if travel but god knows how we'd fairly calculate that and I really don't want to split hairs). I wouldn't say he was mortified, - unless it was mortified to have the impression if that makes sense - but he was sorry.

Run, please

I do agree with those that say he will likely try to get in there first next week with ending things. He's said that he has ended all of his relationships as a defensive strategy, so I'm sure he's feeling very defensive right now.

Aaargh. I just feel like breaking up with someone over text at this time is really not nice! He may have issues but I really do think he means well in general and is just screwed up. He's told me he fears abandonment so to go from daily calls to that just feels a really horrible way to end it. I also have to be a litte careful as our professional circles overlap and he's best friends with the CEO of an organisation I may well want to work for in the future. I think it might be better to wait and just do it when we talk on Tuesday - it's only a few days... (although i'll admit it would be nice to have a clear head for the weekend)