AIBU to not trust my gut on man I'm dating?

[StartingAgain33]

I've been dating someone for three months. He's thoughtful, intelligent, successful, wants the same things in life as me and has made it clear that he sees a future with me (as much as someone can in such a short space of time). He also has literally built my dream life and is inviting me to be a part of it. But my gut keeps telling me to run away, and my therapist says that one of my key challenges is learning to tune into and act on my gut. I'm obsessing and would love your thoughts.

I worry I'm focusing on the negatives too much. I'm about to be 36, keen to have children and tired of being in a dating pool with guys that either don't have their shit together and so by default aren't ready for kids, or who are emotionally avoidant and not willing to put their cards on the table. This guy is neither of those things, and is up for doing the work of a real relationship. So I worry this is just my commitment issues - and potentially anxiety at having met someone so amazing - coming to the fore. What would you think?

Good things:

• He is open about wanting to settle down, feeling ready for children (a priority for me), about having done the necessary work to get to this point with a therapist (he went to boarding school from a young age and was very starved of love - so had a very avoidant dating pattern). He had one 18 month relationship which ended last year which he said went a long way to healing some of his commitment issues. However, he never loved her and they broke it off as they both felt (I think it was more that he felt) that what they had wasn't 'enough'. This was after they had moved in together to test the relationship (I kind of think you should know if you love someone before making that move, and wonder how much anxiety she was hiding?)
• He is very successful and leads a really great life. He's open and generous with this life - introducing me to friends and family, making fun trips happen all the time
• His future vision is the same as mine to an uncanny degree
• He's not afraid to challenge me and be honest about things, something which I find difficult (I have an anxious attachment pattern)
• Seems to have a realistic view of what to expect from relationships
• He's very good at going for what he wants and making things happen, which I find attractive
• Has great, very close long-term friendships - shows he is capable of longer term intimacy
• Is very up for 'doing the work' in a relationship
• Is kind when I open up to him about difficulties, and makes an effort to be there for me
• Is very consistent with communication, very much leading on this aspect of our relationship

Bad things:

• He has a very avoidant past (41 years old, has had one relationship in the past 20 or so years and many flings), and I think may have difficulty in general connecting to people. Even though I know this, I keep blame myself for what I feel is a lack of connection in our interactions (I'm not sure he feels this too, although I'm thinking about asking him as it's driving me crazy - like an elephant in the room)
• I just have a terrible gut feeling a lot of the time. When I'm with him, there's a sort of stilted atmosphere (I feel) and I don't feel able to relax. We hardly laugh. He's quiet quite a lot. He's been honest that he has abandonment issues and that he is hypervigilant to signs of rejection, which makes him quiet, so I've tried to have patience with it but I also feel hypervigilant around him. I've tried to spend lots of time with him to get over this and it's still there most of the time
• Talks about relationships as 'work' a lot - feels a little joyless
• Despite talking quite a lot about money / having lots of investments and also enough savings to never have to work again, he has let me somehow do all of the grocery shopping for every visit we've had. Majority of these have been me going to his city, which is nicer to hang out in as it's close to the countryside, so I'm spending money on train tickets AND about £80 at least every single time. This is really stacking up. In comparison, he knows that at 35 I'm still saving for a housing deposit and am going through an expensive egg freezing process. He is extremely frugal in general. The one time he paid of out food on a visit (because I lost my bank card) he asked me to settle up with him afterwards. He probably doesn't realise how much I've spent, as I've not communicated this and frankly find it awkward and quite rude that he wouldn't enquire himself or just say 'I'll pay for groceries next time'. Of all the things, strangely, this one makes me most angry and uncomfortable. I guess because we're from very different social classes and I would never want to be seen as a gold digger (he knows this, we've spoken about the fact that I've always dated people from a 'higher' class than me and that I've always gone at least halves or paid for more because I don't want to be seen as with them for their money)
• I find our conversation often turns to serious subjects - trauma, how messed up someone is, work stuff - and there is little lightness. He is a thoughtful and quite serious character, I think, but I also worry this is just a chemistry thing and he'd be better with someone else (which then makes me want to fix it)
• Because he's very open about wanting to settle down, it can sometimes make me feel like he is being spurred by that rather than wanting to be with ME. This could be my paranoia. But he doesn't often express how he actually feels about me, or why. He expresses his affection, I guess, through wanting to spend lots of time together, but even this feels a little intense / out of kilter with our level of emotional intimacy. Lockdown and living in different cities doesn't help - our dates are several days long, which I think I find a bit much
• He's commented a few times about how I have a higher sex drive than him / enjoy it more. This makes me feel self conscious about asking for sex. When I did the one time, last week, he was too tired. We didn't have enough physical closeness in my four day visit for me to feel particularly cared for or happy. In general I find him just quite distant. Sex feels a little transactional - like he'll do the minimum to make me orgasm, then he's like 'job done' and then gets his and it's over. There isn't enough kissing or general sensuality for me. I don't feel very connected with him
• I said I was uncomfy meeting his parents on our third ever date (it was a week long, and we'd been talking on zoom for a month before meeting, plus we actually know eachother from 13 years ago in a work context, but still). He said that was fine and they weren't coming, then the day before told me they actually were and I could 'hide in the house as they'd be in the garden and he'd just say I had lots of work to do' if I wanted. I felt intensely uncomfy with this setup so just met them anyway, but felt very awkward. He hadn't seen them all lockdown, and apparently it was just circumstantial that they visited that day, but I felt a little blindsided. I also met his sister and niece on the day, had been living with his other sister for a week and had spent the day with his best friends that week also. It all felt a little much

So - am I looking a gifthorse in the mouth? My anxiety levels are through the roof on this. For some reason I feel like I need to end it NOW even though I know there's loads of great things going for this guy. Any idea what might be going on?

I really don’t understand why you’re with this man. My gut is screaming ‘get out’ , never mind yours. Everything you say about him is a red flag. He’s mean, selfish in bed, humourless and his conversation is heavy. You don’t really know about his past, only what he tells you. There might have been all sorts of worrying things which he’s not telling you about. He sounds depressing. Get rid.

Trust your gut and get out.

He;s 41, has only had one (short, failed) relationship and didn't love her; strongly suggests to me that he has some longterm mental health issues . and you mention other MH indicators; very quiet, no laughing; money/investment boasts contradicted by reality of financial leeching from you; lack of empathy; low sex drive, focus on trauma and negative stuff.

I'm quite sure you're making the right decision to let him go.

Honestly, I started reading the list in your OP and thought "wait - these are supposed to be his good points?" There were at least three red flags in there before I even got to the bad ones.

I'm not sure whether he was being manipulative or just a bit sorry for himself in your last-reported conversation, but either way, it's not a good basis for a happy future, least of all with children whose need for attention will trump their father's. I can't imagine him dragging his gaze from his own navel long enough to nurture someone else. He only finds you interesting because your issues are quite like his issues (although I suspect he's drawing some false equivalences, and that after a little while away from him you'll suddenly think "Here, wait a minute, I don't think that was right"). Of course I could be doing him a disservice - obviously I've never met him. But each of your updates make him sound a little worse.

Seriously, money and all that notwithstanding, this isn't a person who can make you happy. Other fellow sounds interesting. Hopefully he'll still be single and emotionally available. Good luck!

I didn't read your whole post but he doesn't make you laugh and he is a CF for expecting you to pay, he sounds bloody hard work and you don't relax with him. If you want a life like that carry on but there is no way I would

I didn't read your whole post, I got to not laughing together much and him letting you fork out all the time despite him being well off and that's enough for me. He sounds like hard work and a complete dick tbh. Move on, you can do far better.

This honestly sounds like a bit of a project for you. It should not be this hard this soon in. There are things like the money and sex that will become huge resentments further down the line. You 2 are just not compatible. He sounds like very hard work. My DP can make me cry with laughter. I cannot imagine being with someone who was so serious that we didn't laugh together.

Sorry OP but cut your losses and move on..

And you said he's frugal. This means tight. Please don't believe his bollocks about not realising you spent so much money. He isn't stupid. It suited him because it wasn't money he had to spend.

He also gave you the utter non apology 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' This is NOT an apology or an admission on his part that he's behaved badly towards you.

God this is depressing .... you know this isn’t right. It sounds like you’re both desperate to tick some life goals off of your list and need each other for the transaction. If you’re not crazy about him why bother?? 16 or 66 he should make you laugh! You should both be Crazy about each other, it’s not your gut telling you something bad. It’s that icky feeling you get when you know it’s not right. You’re not madly in love with him and he’s not with you. Sorry OP.

With your updates, he continues to just sound so dull and tiresome 🤷🏻‍♀️

All this of talk of “doing work” and speaking “authentically”... bloody hell, you both need to step away from the therapy talk.

Remember your gut? That he was taking the piss financially and was selfish with sex?

That’s all you need to know, really.

What you (drowning in therapy) call “speaking authentically”, I see as his trotting out excuse after excuse after excuse.

Going to boarding school does not leave you unable to realise that your girlfriend just paid for all the groceries. It just doesn’t. He’s a total dick.

Still not good enough referring to you coming from the gutter. He's 41 and needed that pointing out to him? Nah. It's been a few weeks. Get rid. You don't have to fix him.

When you're having a daydream about a fantasy bloke, is he tight with money, quiet and awkward, selfish in bed and cold towards you?

Or is he passionate, mad about you, willing to throw everything you both have in together, funny and sexually giving?

If it's the second bloke who lights your fire then walk away. Or you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what it's like to be totally loved and lusted after, and there is a man out there who will want you like that.

What strikes me is the coldness of this relationship. It's all so cerebral. Where's the passion? Where's the fun?
Imagine yourself ten years down the line.
My dh had a tendency to tightness with money but I took the mick out of him and he isn't like that now. This does not sound like someone you could take the mick out of.
Up to you OP but I'd listen to that gut feeling.

Your list of bad things is much longer than the list of good things ☹️ Don't settle down with this one, you don't really like him. You say you feel uncomfortable and don't laugh much when you're together. That's not much of a relationship!!!

You can't change who people are. Trying to do so only makes both of you miserable. To me it sounds like you feel guilty that you don't feel more for him so you're trying to sell yourself on all the "good" things you see in him. That isn't enough for a long term relationship.

OP, leaving the wanting kids and all that other life goal stuff aside, if you think about not seeing this bloke again what do you feel? I mean literally just think about him, nothing else. Does your heart ache if you imagine never being in his arms again?

Going into a relationship for all the wrong reasons only ever ends badly. Sure you could make it work for a bit, maybe even a few years, but even then it won’t be long before you start noticing all the things your’e missing out on, and all those little things you dont’ like will become great big chasms of resentment. Bring a child into that mix and things will be fucking awful, and it won’t just be as easy as telling him your through to get out.

I know when you feel like there’s something huge missing in your life you can manufacture feelings for someone, but if you’re honest with yourself, which I think you are really, you know this is not going to be the relationship that fills those gaps.

To be honest with you he sounds like a wrongun. Another PP has said it further up this page, even your good points had me thinking no.

If it was just a case of you and him getting together without the intention to have kids then I’d still think he’s a bad choice, but throw kids into it and it’s a disaster, for you, because if he is as loaded as you say he is then he’ll always come out better, and to be quite honest you sound vulnerable, and he sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies.

Please save yourself the heartache. It’s better to be single than with the wrong person. There’s nothing more lonely than feeling alone with someone else.

I think you have both had too much therapy and now over analyse everything. He is a person , not a work project -do you actually like him ?
It all sounds very hard work and joyless. You can’t plan every little thing in life, you do just have to plough on and accept that things sometimes go wrong.
You sound as though you have spent so much time going over your feelings about everything, that you have stopped knowing what you feel.
If you really like him, on you go. All relationships are anxiety provoking at the begging to some degree, the whole “does he like me ?” “ Do I want to see him again?” etc, but it shouldn’t be as stressful as this !

Off topic but how have you managed to have a full blown new 3 month relationship during lockdown?

Well done for having the conversation, but...

1. He is ALL talk and by talking, he is able to check where you are at and present the narrative you want to hear - arch manipulator.
2. You are projecting your niceness onto him, interpreting his immaturity into vulnerability. He is not vulnerable; you are.
3. Despite explaining the financial situation, his excuse of not realising the cost is bullshit. He was quick as lightning to get money back off you the ONE TIME he was asked to pay because you had forgotten your card. Then he gives you the 'I pay in lots of other ways' crap. No he doesn't and you both know this is bullshit. He is actually refusing to compensate you for unfair costs he has caused you. This is a DELIBERATE act by him.

What a nasty piece of work he is.

I didn’t read all the replies but...
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. You picked up unconsciously on a lot of things that are not ok about this guy, hence the gut feeling. Don’t ignore it just because he speaks about settling down. Asking to settle the bill when you spent lots more is a bad sign as well.
Imagine living with that gut feeling every day- is that a happy life? No, you know that. Fuck it, 3 months is nothing, get out.

There's enough in your op to end this
Listen to your gut
Trust your own feelings

Trust your gut. Sounds more like friend material, at the most.

Hes not the one for you OP. And so many downsides, not sure it's your gut telling you or plain old common sense! LTB!

For whatever reason, OP, he seems to lack empathy, self-awareness and generosity (my money's on his cold relationship with his parents having stunted his emotional development).

While he might be able to develop some social skills and at least create the impression of being more considerate over time, he's never going to develop the above qualities, not least as he hasn't managed to over the past four decades. How he is is how he'll stay, so don't get sucked in by the promise of change.

It's one thing making sacrifices yourself for the family life you want, but it's also important to remember that you'd be inflicting this man's emotional immaturity on your future children too. I speak from experience when I say it will be heartbreaking watching your children desperate for love and kindness from their father while you try to coach him through how to give the impression he has these feelings for the DC's sakes.

Furthermore, if you're already concerned about your ticking biological clock, even if he were able to develop his social skills to be a caring father, how would he have the time? It would be a recipe for disaster, IMO,

You are only 36. Get out of this one. What advise would you give to a friend in this situation?

It sounds a pretty joyless relationship - sex is rationed and perfunctory (during honeymoon period!), he's tight with his money and doesn't make you laugh! The bad outweighs the good imo.