Just had a lengthy conversation with him, which was interesting if sad. I didn't start immediately saying I wanted to end it, but did say that I felt a lack of connection and ease and did he feel the same. He said that he wasn't surprised this was coming up, that it's come up in all of his relationships and that he has huge anxieties that come up at a certain stage that make it really difficult to relax and be light etc, and that he can understand why someone else wouldn't want to do the work to be with that. We had already touched on some of these anxieties before, and his struggles with them, but he said he'd tried to protect me from the full extent as they were coming up as he didn't want me to take them personally and he knows that they are just him in relationships.
He said he had relationship OCD - which means continual checking that something is right and doubts about the relationship. I say weird, because I also have this in every relationship I have ever had and is part of why I haven't been able to settle down. I constantly google worries about boyfriends, talk to friends and therapist about it etc. It's exhausting. Sounds like it is for him too.
He said that in his last relationship he was able to face up to it and not run away for the first time, and it went away eventually, and that he was essentially (if not outright) suggesting that we give things some more time because he thinks I'm amazing and that we have the same values / lots of great things going for us (I agree with this). He also said that he knows he is just not the kind to fall in love and 'just know', but he believes that a loving relationship can be built together nonetheless (I do agree with this, but I need to feel more comfortable on a daily basis as a minimum).
He also said that he would totally understand if I wanted to leave things as he knew this was difficult to be around, and that with his ex he had sometimes wanted to let her go because he sensed it was making her anxious even if she pretended to be okay (she was a psychotherapist and it sounds like she was also trying to fix him and work him out - he said they talked about relationship issues all the time).
He said that he has started to have anxiety around sex from putting himself under pressure to want it all the time, and feeling like he was letting down, which is obviously not conducive to feeling sexy. I don't know what to do about this as I don't put him under loads of pressure, although I did say at the beginning of the relationship that I had a high sex drive and that sex was one of my favourite things, which has really stuck with him. In actuality I've got an average sex drive once I'm in a relationship - maybe once or twice a week is fine, as long as it's good.
I was unsure about what to do and said I felt I needed more warmth, and it was a difficult thing to engineer, but I also understand and relate to his anxieties (I have them too) and to hear him speak so clearly and intelligently about them did make me wonder whether I shouldn't just drop this relationship. I don't know. I feel confused, and not a little sorry for him. I can relate to his sadness and anxieties so much, they're almost a mirror image of issues I've had in relationships on and off my whole life. I do feel kind of better for having spoken authentically with eachother for what feels like the first time in a real while, and to have it be a calm discussion where we both kind and accomodating. Perhaps it was healthy to talk about our doubts and insecurities? I'm tempted to give it some more time, but also worry that if we both share our doubts and insecurities every time then at some point my ego will get involved and I'll just feel super insecure and anxious and end up destroying the relationship anyway.
We talked about the money stuff and he hadn't realised I'd spent so much and apologised. He also felt that he had contributed in other ways like arranging weekends for us and practical things like giving me lifts etc. I think this was just a bit of naivete on his part and also lack of communication on my side. He admitted it was rude to not pick up groceries when I was visiting, and said he is usually known for being generous and he's sorry I felt that way, and that he would make sure things were even in the future (in fact he had previously suggested me getting a Monzo so we could split things, so I think he had made moves to make things more even already).
I don't know. I feel sad and a bit lost. He has been a really kind, interesting and consistent figure in my life these past few months, and I can so feel how much he wants to have a fulfilling relationship. I know it didn't come across in my original post but I really do think he's special. I've kind of admired him from afar for the past ten years, having worked with him previously, and everything I thought he would be he he is. He just has this stuff. But he's willing to work on it and wants to?