Opportunity to confront my school bully

[ManCubsMama]

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

Whatever you decide to do, please do not tell her child her mum was a bully

She already said so @clpsmum, in her 2nd post!

I agree the comment to the child is extreme - I should have stated although I thought it was rather obvious this is all a fantasy in my mind. Tell me some of the stuff you fantasise isn’t farfetched!

I lightheartedly said to someone who bullied me at school about 8 years ago that he had made my life a misery at school - he literally had no idea he'd been horrible to me so I think that was actually worse than me not confronting him at all, the fact he had no memory of it at all and I believe it was genuine! I'd honestly just move on from it, difficult as it is - she could be a completely different person now, you don't know what she may have been through in her private life since you were teens. Be the bigger person, you'll feel better for it in the long run

I'd leave it. I was horrifically teased, taunted and singled out at school. One particular girl used to punch me really hard. Looking back I think this girl was deeply troubled. I believe she must have been beaten up and home. That's the only reason I can think of for her violent behaviour. It just wasn't normal - the level of anger and hate she felt. I don't hate her now. I genuinely feel sorry for her. One boy that used to tease me got in touch recently via Facebook and said how sorry he was. He felt awful about it. This all happened 30 YEARS AGO!! I was amazed he even remembered it! We've been chatting on a lot on Messenger and he seems like a lovely guy. I like him now despite him being a dick when I was at school. I just think kids and teenagers can be exceptionally cruel. I remember learning people don't properly develop empathy until their late teens/early 20s. I was never a bully but having been bullied myself I remember being a little unkind sometimes. It was because I was full of self loathing and wanted to lash out at others. You said this girl was also picked on and is unattractive. I'm sure her bullying you was a reaction to this. What I'm trying to say is that most people who were bullies as kids are probably nice people these days and probably regret it. The ones who are still nasty pieces of work probably have something wrong with them and will be living miserable lives. People change and develop so much from their teenage years. Be the bigger person and move on.

@CuriousaboutSamphire You are spot on

So hang on, some girls were mean to you at school but it hasn't affected your life and you haven't thought about it since. Yet now you know one of them, who you suspect was bullied herself, is in close proximity, you're planning revenge? Why?

I'd understand your feelings more if this was something that had played on your mind ever since and here was your chance to address it (in fantasy or reality). Or if you simply had residual feelings of dislike for this person (despite your adult brain knowing that she probably suffered too) and weren't looking forward to bumping into her.

But what you write just sounds weirdly gratuitous, to be honest. Almost as though you think you've identified a way to be horrible to someone with impunity, just because, or even to do so and be applauded for it.

The idea of involving her 5 year old daughter is just horrible. I sincerely hope you're not seriously considering that.

I have some experience of the situation you describe and I'd fully support you having a private word with her if you felt you needed to talk to her about it as an adult and get it off your chest, or you just being very coldly polite to her because of the past. Fine. But I certainly wouldn't applaud you going out of your way to humiliate this woman in public for something she did as a child, and certainly not for deliberately upsetting her own small child as part of the process.

I actually think you’ve been treated unfairly here. I’ve fantasised bumping into old bullies and blowing them away with my amazing witty revenge quips

It wouldn’t work in reality but I honestly think I’d have to say something. Yes I know icy and polite is the high ground but I’d have to go with “yes I remember you. You Bullied me at school. I hope you’re well now?”

This would put me in a position of power

This was the phrase that jumped out at me. This is always the language of a bully: the kind of sentiment of someone who thrives by exerting power over others. I've never for the life of me seen what they gain by it, but a need to feel better at other people's expense always shows up a failing in the character of the bully. No one else.

The best revenge is to live well. And however far you believe yourself to be in the right, you're now an adult. If bully a child for any reason, not least an ancient grievance that had absolutely nothing to do with them then that makes you worse than a school bully.

Don't be that person.

I met my school bully. She was working in a cafe my family and I went to. I made myself known to her pleasantly, she came and sat with us for a few minutes and then gave us our drinks on the house. All rather a non event really and I am glad I spoke to her.

You're the bully now. Does that sit well with you?

Are you dissatisfied with yourself and your life in some way? If not, then move on, you'll just end up looking bad.

Op, you have very obviously backtracked once you got the negative responses. This was never a "fantasy" you were looking for ideas of what you should say when you confront her, you said that yourself. Don't try and pretend that you didn't mean any of that, it's just makes you look more pathetic.

We’re all grown up now

You don't sound like it. If it still bothers you all these years later book some counselling, it's not healthy.

Victim shaming is of course what is happening to you on this thread

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, and all that.

Hmm. OP, at school I was a late developer with braces, glasses, acne and skin tags. I can assure you there were kids who let me know it. I look a bit different now, wouldn't say I'm a raving beauty but the difference is startling. And I know from Facebook that I look objectively better than many of the kids who used to call me ugly (and who are all now adults in their 30s and presumably at least as far away from their teen selves as I am). I can honestly say that I really don't give a shit and I doubt they do either. Perhaps I'll develop a thyroid condition next year and gain several stone or get acne or my hair will fall out...so what? Does that mean that I'll have "lost" then even if I've "won" right now? What would I have to do then to regain my lost ground that literally nobody cares about?

Given that we all age anyway, I'd be wary of clinging too much to this as your feeling of victory. As PPs have said, these experiences don't seem to have dented your confidence so I'm wondering why you're still so hung up on it.

Rise above it. And please don't bring her daughter into it.

This treatment obviously affected you deeply, more deeply than you realised. However, you’ve been fortunate in that it hasn’t had an impact on your happy and successful life, so you can afford to rise above it and mentally thank her for making you a stronger, more resilient person. I would just be pleasant and kind. There’s nothing better than making someone realise how shit they’ve been than by behaving like the better person.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that your first idea is fine - "you weren't very nice to me in school". I really don't see what is wrong with this at all. Spitting on you and slapping you is fucking vile behaviour, you don't need to pretend that didn't happen in order to be "mature" and make her feel comfortable! How ridiculous. You don't have to say it with venom and you don't have to be spiteful. Just say it genuinely. She may apologise, or she may brush it off and change the subject. Either way you will have said what you needed to say. Might bring you some closure, and you will feel better about yourself for standing up for yourself in a calm and measured way.

For the love of God, don't do any of the other ideas. You will look like a complete dick.

She was a child when she bullied you.
What’s your excuse? Grow up

Move on and think about your parents relationships with their near neighbours.

Some of the suggestions you have made are dreadful in my opinion. You talk of her being bullied at school also and yet you want to bully her as an adult.

Sorry Op but you sound like a dreadful spiteful adult and not the victim you think you were as a child.

God you sound vile. Grow up, you’re not in high school anymore.

Just walk away in the knowledge that people are bullies because they are unhappy themselves. And you might also want to bear that in mind when plotting your 'revenge'

Well, my advice has nothing to do with being mature, 'rising above it', letting things go, and being forgiving because 'it lightens you' -- I think that is utter, twee 'Desiderata'-poster- type nonsense. You were bullied and there's absolutely no need to feel remotely forgiving about it. I'm only suggesting you don't actually engage in any of your fantasy scenarios because I don't think they will give you the feeling of power over her that you crave, and are likely to make you feel more powerless. (And the child one was nasty, but you know that perfectly well.)

I'm not a forgiving person, and my bully was an adult. I made sure she didn't get a job she applied for when I was on the panel, and I am completely unapologetic about that. It was most enjoyable, and she absolutely deserved it.

I say, Go large should you have the chance.

Ha! You cannot be serious.

Be polite, equally warm to everybody but not especially to her. Dont ask her anything personal. Dont tell her anything private.

That's how id play it.

Although like a pp, one girl who tried to bully me committed suicide last year. Another girl who was a cow to me has been in and out of psychiatric hospital for decades now.

Hurt people hurt people is a very true saying.

@Thehop You get it, most here don’t