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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opportunity to confront my school bully

294 replies

ManCubsMama · 22/07/2020 08:24

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Ballybeyondthepail · 22/07/2020 08:27

Move in with your life and do not let this resentment sour it, what will you achieve? If you can’t then talking therapy may help.
What you are planning, is in effect, bullying.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/07/2020 08:28

I stalked my school bully on Facebook and discovered she was dead
So that was that really !

I’d do nothing other than be icily polite and play it by ear
I wouldn’t say anything until you have had a meet and look at her

Planned conversations never work so don’t even bother

You may get an opportunity , you may not .....

AragornsManlyStubble · 22/07/2020 08:31

What a horrible post! Grow up!

I say this as someone who had the chance to talk to their own bully years later.

You may be pretty on the outside but you sound ugly as hell on the inside.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 22/07/2020 08:31

Why become a bully yourself? Be the better person and be polite.

contrmary · 22/07/2020 08:33

Go for it! Bullies are vile creatures and need to be called out. Any shame or embarrassment you can cause her is nothing compared to the hell she put you through.

Gatehouse77 · 22/07/2020 08:33

Why would you bring her children into it? Surely that puts you on the same level?

Personally, I’d wait and see what happens when you meet. If she’s changed and aware/remorseful when you meet you’ll have all this pent up rage to deal with and a sense of not being able to have your say. And it’s possible that will spill over and make things worse.

MysteryParcels · 22/07/2020 08:34

You want to call her the horrible names she got called at school and tell her 5 year old that her mummy was nasty?

And you're definitely the victim not the bully here? Confused

Witchofzog · 22/07/2020 08:35

No and no. Why would you want to upset a 5 year old? Your success is the best way of showing you are over this. Leave it at that or you will just make yourself look ridiculous

Bootskates · 22/07/2020 08:35

She was a bully as a child, you want to bully her as an adult. You should know better by now.

Grow up.

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/07/2020 08:36

The girl who bullied me at school was ugly as fuck.

If I were to ever see her again, I'd say, "still ugly then?"

I think that would be sufficient payback for me.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/07/2020 08:36

Um, is this a joke? You sound awful in your post, really awful. Not sure you meant to. No, it's an awful idea to seek revenge on a bully, by bullying them, belittling them, humiliating them which is what you're saying you want to do. That's a bit sad isn't it. Suggests you haven't really grown up yourself yet.

NameChange84 · 22/07/2020 08:36

I was horrendously bullied at school.

I’d be the better person, like I always was.

Kind, gracious, confident, cool as a cucumber, impeccably mannered...

Just think what you’ve basically said on here...you consider yourself Higher Status than her right? So act High Status.

The most horrible I’d be tempted to be would be a bit patronising.

The nastier you are to her, the less guilty she will feel for what she did. A lot of adults feel mortified about the bullying as adults, as they should.

I’ve had a scenario as adults where someone said in the presence of a bully...

“oh didn’t you two go to school together?”

And I’ve just replied before they could get a word in,

“We did. I was badly bullied at St Matthews. I don’t think Emily particularly liked me. Anyway, we’re adults now.”

And just watched Emily squirm. Honestly, it’s the best form of vindication.

Please don’t involve a small child. That’s not ok.

AgentProvocateur · 22/07/2020 08:37

You both sound as bad as each other. Although, you’re an adult, so worse.

SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito · 22/07/2020 08:37

@MysteryParcels

You want to call her the horrible names she got called at school and tell her 5 year old that her mummy was nasty?

And you're definitely the victim not the bully here? Confused

This. You need to get over it. You're not being asked to become friends with this woman, just be polite when you see her and move on. You're inventing drama for the sake of it.
PegasusReturns · 22/07/2020 08:38

Don’t be ridiculous.

The idea that you’d drag her 5 year old DD into the conversation is awful. There is absolutely no excuse for doing that and you will be, rightly, judged harshly by anyone who witnesses or hears about it.

Fluffybutter · 22/07/2020 08:38

You’d insult this woman in front of her child ?
How nasty and spiteful.
Sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do

Thisbastardcomputer · 22/07/2020 08:40

Polite but icey is how I'd play it

slashlover · 22/07/2020 08:40

I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

Really? That is disgusting.

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 22/07/2020 08:41

You would actually consider saying to her daughter 'your mummy was a bully' ???? You sound like a bit of a dick.

AragornsManlyStubble · 22/07/2020 08:41

I guarantee the OP will come back with how all this venom is ok because of how awful this woman was to her as a child. She’ll try to justify it.

My bully landed me in a adult psych ward at the age of 16 as it was his voice I heard telling me to kill myself which led to me attempting suicide after years of bullying through my teen years.

We had a drink as adults, I was honest about what had happened and the effect it had, he apologised and the weight I’d carried for 10 years lifted.

You don’t have to get revenge.

flooredbored · 22/07/2020 08:42

When first mentioned I would have just told my parents that she was horrible to you at school. I imagine your parents probably then wouldn’t try and facilitate you meeting up. If you do see her I would just be ice cold, but not outwardly rude.

Coronagroaner · 22/07/2020 08:45

Wtf. Grow up.

icelollycraving · 22/07/2020 08:46

How odd. Why on earth are you considering bringing her child in to it? Shock That says a lot about your mindset tbh.
When I told a bully how her actions had impacted me, she was embarrassed and apologetic.
I absolutely would not be relishing confronting them in the pub in front of both families. This is really not healthy for all kinds of reasons.

ilikebooksandplants · 22/07/2020 08:46

Maybe people at school weren’t very nice to you because you don’t seem to behave in a very likeable way, even as an adult?

If you’re as successful and good looking and whatever other nonsense you claim to be, just let it go. Don’t go round whispering bollocks at five year old children, you’ll just look like a vindictive lunatic. Teenagers are awful to each other, but most of us manage to grow up and rise above it.

shemadeit · 22/07/2020 08:47

OP I know how you feel. It’s tempting to create all the scenarios in your head that would destroy them all these years later.

Other posters must have thought the same too in their daydreams. I think it’s only normal and I think you know that you cannot tell a 5 year old that their mummy was a nasty bully.

What I would do however, is if you are unfortunate enough to be in her company I’d be deadpan in any interactions with her. Civil but deadpan and is make it clear I wanted out of any conversations with her. Even if other people noticed.

If she asks you why then you quietly tell her that she was a vile bully and you’d prefer not to socialise with such nasty people.