Opportunity to confront my school bully

[ManCubsMama]

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

@LadyofTheManners - wow, that's brilliant. I'm so pleased that you got your chance to give them your thoughts. I'm really sorry about what you went through and sincerely hope that you've been able to deal with it properly.

What gets me about bullying, is that even now, 20 years on, when I tell people about being bullied, I often get asked "oh, what did you do" or "why did they bully you" like it was somehow my fault. I even had one friend once say to me "Oh, i can see why you were so unpopular at school". So I think a lot of people just do not get it.

Think you should do it

Sorry that's just nasty

Grow up

You need to move on

I'm sort of friends with my bully now she thinks I'm nice a goody two shoes the total opposite of her clearly she has her issues and i have mine but we both like cats so we talk about those

We were KIDS FFS

The exception to this rule I think is @LadyofTheManners experience. If she hasn't grown up OP and treats you like shit despite all the years you have had to move on, then by all means go ahead.

But to even think about going in there and targeting her child? Just, no!

actually @MrsKin90 it is very common for the victim of bullying not to register that what is happening to them is bullying - it's a way of dealing with it as your brain can't process things, so it files it into the "don't think about this" pile.

Yes, therapy was required for me to understand this, as I also spent many years thinking that if i didn't recognise it as bullying at the time, could it really have been bullying. (Despite the fact that at one point the bullying was so bad I had to be excluded from school for my own protection, and yet I STILL didn't recognise it as bullying).

Why can you not just talk to her if the opportunity presents itself?

It honestly helped me to be able to calmly tell my bully in detail the effect his actions had. He really had no clue what had happened to me or his part in it. The same may be true of yours.

The best thing you can do is to show her how great you life is. Smile, be positive, look your best etc. Don’t let her think you even remember her or what she did. You’re better than this.

"This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels."

No it won't. It will make you look like an utter twat with a bad chip on your shoulder.

I understand it is nice to have all these "revenge fantasies". But that is all they ever should be. Let the thought pass & remember you've come so far past that.

Ive bumped into people who were nasty to be in high school 10-15 years down the line and you just go "oh hi, you alright, hows things?" Bit of bare minimum small talk, no grudges held, everybody moves on. Everyone made mistakes when they were young. You cant hold it against them forever.

The thing is, in LadyoftheManners' story, the bullying was still happening, as adults, at the reunion. They made it current, so a confrontation literally as it happened was appropriate.

Picking over a 15 year old carcass when nothing is happening now and everyone appears to have changed is another matter entirely.

@MysteryParcels

You want to call her the horrible names she got called at school and tell her 5 year old that her mummy was nasty?

And you're definitely the victim not the bully here?

Yep, this.

You should absolutely talk to her about it, so you can get closure, don't involve the kids and dont be mean. I think people need to know how their actions affect others however long ago.

actually @MrsKin90 it is very common for the victim of bullying not to register that what is happening to them is bullying - it's a way of dealing with it as your brain can't process things, so it files it into the "don't think about this" pile.

I did suspect this as well, not just about bullying but the fact that I consider myself to have had a very happy childhood but when I think back to certain moments there were a lot of very troubled time including domestic violence, police being called etc.

I believe that bullying is mostly a reflection of how the person feels about themselves and their experience at home. Happy, confident, self assured people don't bully. I think most bullies have probably deep insecurities, maybe an unstable abusive home life, poor role models at home etc etc. I would feel sorry for her to be honest. She may be in a better place now and regrets her actions. You've moved on with your life, honestly, being a bullying adult is far worse. You're not coming across well in your post to be honest. Being more 'attractive' doesn't make you a better person. Being kind, strong and forgiving does.

@Happymum12345 is so right. The best revenge is to live a happy life.
I was bullied mercilessly for years at school. I had no friends and missed a lot of school.
When I was about 40 I had a chance encounter with my bully. She didn't even remember me...

Living well is the best revenge

Be icily polite - never give her or her family reason to criticise you

I do understand how you feel, but whatever you do, dont bring her daughter into it, that's a really awful thing to do.
Rise above it.

@Higgeldypiggeldy35 Being more 'attractive' doesn't make you a better person. Being kind, strong and forgiving does.

Absolutely agree it’s not but when she/they called me nasty names related to my appearance, you can damn well bet it feels great that I’ve grown up to be a looker & she definitely hasn’t! I wouldn’t ever say anything of this ilk to her should I see her, she has eyes and can see for herself

The only bully I see is you, grow up. You want to confront her and her child you sound nuts. Apparently you're better looking, slimmer and richer yet you want to bring a woman down for something that happened as kids. You're a mother and an adult act like one.

While school bullies are never acceptable. Grown-up bullies are even worse!

You say you’re over it and it barely registered, but the bile in your first post speaks volumes otherwise. Talking about calling her names which probably haunt her to this day, and directing your passive aggressive comments to her child is far from being over it. I mean even saying you’re just “fantasising” about it speaks massive volumes. No one with a clear head would “fantasise” about being horrible to a child. It sounds more like you’ve repressed a lot of the emotions about this and hearing her name has stirred up emotions you don’t know how to deal with. Find some help to deal with them.

@WhatWillSantaBring Thanks for your response and advice. I think you get it.

You've know idea of her personal journey through school and since then yet you've clocked up how much better you have it now and want to rub it in.
Looks like the bullied became the bully.
I think you watched far to many America chat shows.