Update on my DSD situation

[hotstepper4]

I'm not sure how to link to old threads but if you search my user ID I did a thread called "to think about her all the time"

I described how Dh and I haven't seen my dsd11 (12 in August) for a year. She cut him out of her life, after accusing him of abusing her. Recently, she confessed to her dm that this was a lie and that she said it because she didn't like the screen limitations at ours.

This was obviously a massive kick in the teeth as, you'll see from my other thread, I really adored her, and her accusations really affected Dh.

Something happened last night, and I'd like peoples views on it. Early evening, watching tv with Dh and there's a knock at the door. Dh opens it and it's dsd. She comes flying in, throws her arms around him, like nothing ever happened. I gave her a big hug too, we were both very aware of the strangeness of the situation but the last thing I wanted was to make her feel unwelcome.

After around half an hour, she told us that her dm, dh's exw, had no idea that she was even here, that she'd snuck out the back door while her dm was in the toilet. It was then that I realised she didn't have any shoes on! It's a 30 minute walk between our houses, thinking about what could have happened to her feet is 😫

Of course Dh immediately phoned her mum, who had been calling around dsds friends. It hadnt even occurred to her that she would be at our house as she has ignored every text message Dh has sent her in a year, and has strongly resisted contact. She immediately wanted to speak to dsd and I could hear her shouting at her.

Dsd was upset then, so I took her up to ds10s room and the 4 of us played Mario kart which broke the ice, ds was so happy to see dsd and they were laughing their heads off, after dsd was sitting cuddling Dh for a while. Then I suggested I'd walk her home to her mums as her mum had told her she wanted her back at specific time, however dsd asked if Dh could walk her instead which of course I was pleased about.

He got home a while later, and apparently dsd had had an argument with her dm about not cleaning out her fish tank. Her dm said she'd called her an idiot so she had confiscated her phone. This is why she ran away, however on the way home dsd was telling Dh that she doesn't know who she is, that she wants to wear boys clothes but that her mother keeps buying her dresses, and that she wants her hair cut short but her mother won't allow it. Dh suggested that he could see dsd again this coming weekend however she refused, my belief is that she'll go back to ignoring him as soon as her phone is returned to him.

Dh is going to just go back to dropping her the odd text and making sure she knows that we will always accept her for whomever she wants to be.

Is this what anyone would do? Does this behaviour raise any red flags?

So she is having a crisis and arrived on your doorstep and so your dh is 'going to go back to dropping her the odd text'.
What a prince among men.

No he's going to do that because she will go back to ignoring him again I am sure of this. I think if he overwhelms her with trying to contact her he'll scare her off?

'Scare her off' what a strange choice of phrase.
Why would she be scared?

Because the last time Dh was asking to see her she just kept refusing and it just seemed to drive her further away

She seems a confused girl not at ease in her body and her surroundings.

Her issues will be deeper than just the screen limitation. This have just been one of the things she mentioned.

He really needs to focus on bring there for her rather than disciplining her. She opened up when she got to spend some 1-1 time with him, this is what he needs to encourage, not insisting she comes over. Maybe he can offer to take her out for a meal wow or something as a start.

She probably has nothing against you, she however needs her dad's attention at the moment, not to try to fit in in another family.

Tread gently. She's getting perilously close to playing the two parents off against each other.

I think you handled things spot on. Keep doing what youre doing

Take her shopping buy her some clothes she wants to wear. Talk with her mum ossicle get her hair cut it grows back. Come together as a family and support her

Your DH will ‘drop the odd text’. After what she’s told him? Why isn’t he working with his ex to help his dd.

Dh is going to text her and see if she'd like to have lunch with him on Sunday

She sounds very troubled. Is she having any counselling or treatment?

She was having 10 counselling sessions, that was when she first estranged herself from Dh. I don't know whether she's had anything since but I doubt it.

Why did he walk her home if she had no shoes??

She's getting perilously close to playing the two parents off against each other.

I'm afraid so. She sounds very complex.

Given the false accusations against her father, I'm going to have to wonder if the talk about male clothing is attention seeking. Note that I would never assume that of someone generally, but given the pre-existing pattern of lying and her response to having her phone taken away, I'd suggest being wary of getting too sucked into a situation where she's playing them off against each other and using a 'Mum doesn't understand me but you're much cooler and accepting' tactic.

All all honesty, he needs to sit down with his ex and work out how to manage dsd. She's obviously troubled, quite manipulative and it's not going to get easier in the teen years, needs to be sorted now.

You need a child access plan that works for everyone, her mum needs backing up with discipline. She's still a kid and cannot be calling the shots

I think your dsd needs some professional help. Hope your dh and his ew can work together to help this child

So was there an arrest? An investigation? Nothing? Just her not seeing her dad since August?

She sounds like she needs help and support not the occasional text proper therapy

He's right to tread gently, OP. The only sensible way forward.

Does your DSD have any kind of professional support?

Her behaviour sounds more immature to me than her years suggest - she seems to struggle with boundaries and controlling her emotions/how she responds to confrontation. It is rather extreme to accuse a parent of abuse in response to screen time limits, or sneaking away from home over an argument about a chore.

Dys-regulation of emotions, poor risk assessment and considerations of consequences and impulsive acts, soon regretted after the fact, are of course not uncommon in teenagers, but from what you are saying her behaviour is a the more extreme end of what would be considered 'normal'.

It sounds like a very difficult situation, your DSD does indeed seem very manipulative and I think your DH and his ex need to sit down and chat about how they can present a united front.

I also agree with the previous poster who suggested that not being allowed to cut her hair or wear what she wants could well turn out to be a fabrication which is why both parents need to be communicating and working together.

Can she ne referred to Camhs or private counselling if it can be afforded, she sounds very confused and troubled.

She sounds incredibly troubled. Did her mother not seek to prosecute when her daughter told her your husband had abused her? If not, why on earth not?

I think your husband, you, her mother and her stepfather (if she has one) need to have an urgent meeting to thrash out how you're going to work together to get her professional support. She sounds very ill. Telling serious lies (if they are lies), the gender identity crisis (if that's not another lie..) the impulsive actions like running off with no shoes on... these are not the behaviours of a healthy 12 yo. You have too much to unravel here and it needs a concerted approach.

I'd tend to ignore the PPs having a go about your DP sending the odd text. These sound circumstances for which there's no manual and it's early days. There's the relationship with your DSD and with her DM, your DPs ex and I can see why you'd want to engage gently. If you'd gone 'all guns blazing' then there would have been the risk of the DSD and her DM putting up walls. Text might be right to keep in touch with the child and face to face with her DM when she's ready to try and sort things out.

I suppose the end goal is clear of a healthy relationship with the DSD and a positive relationship with her DM.

The abuse allegations would have been massively hurtful and have complicated things going forward. It's good that you and your DP are willing to put these behind you which is what a good parent would do.

The DSD's behaviour could range from playing off both parents to get screen time and whatever else in the future to a troubled child in need of counselling and support. The issues she raised last night could be substantial. Either way, a positive relationship between your DSDs parents will probably be essential, if that's possible, either between themselves or through some third party mediation.

Good luck.

I’ve only read the op but she sounds very spoilt and manipulative. Not sure what to suggest to help but she sounds like she needs more boundaries and less pandering to.

If her mother and her father can't get on well enough even to have a meeting and discuss their daughter's mental health... then I think we have a pretty good idea of where her problems stem from: basically having two selfish children for parents.

What happened after she accused your dh? That’s a massive thing to say. Has she apologised to him?
It sounds to me as though she is using your family when she feels thwarted at her mum’s. Not good for her or you. She definitely needs professional help.
I think you all handled the situation very well. I think it’s important that she realises that actions have consequences, her lie about abuse could have had terrible outcomes.
Does her mum know it wasn’t true?

I would be very worried that this trans thing is another lie.
Lying about abuse and blanking your father for a year because you want more time on your phone/iPad etc is terrifying. I think she sounds like she needs a psychiatric assesment