Update on my DSD situation

[hotstepper4]

I'm not sure how to link to old threads but if you search my user ID I did a thread called "to think about her all the time"

I described how Dh and I haven't seen my dsd11 (12 in August) for a year. She cut him out of her life, after accusing him of abusing her. Recently, she confessed to her dm that this was a lie and that she said it because she didn't like the screen limitations at ours.

This was obviously a massive kick in the teeth as, you'll see from my other thread, I really adored her, and her accusations really affected Dh.

Something happened last night, and I'd like peoples views on it. Early evening, watching tv with Dh and there's a knock at the door. Dh opens it and it's dsd. She comes flying in, throws her arms around him, like nothing ever happened. I gave her a big hug too, we were both very aware of the strangeness of the situation but the last thing I wanted was to make her feel unwelcome.

After around half an hour, she told us that her dm, dh's exw, had no idea that she was even here, that she'd snuck out the back door while her dm was in the toilet. It was then that I realised she didn't have any shoes on! It's a 30 minute walk between our houses, thinking about what could have happened to her feet is 😫

Of course Dh immediately phoned her mum, who had been calling around dsds friends. It hadnt even occurred to her that she would be at our house as she has ignored every text message Dh has sent her in a year, and has strongly resisted contact. She immediately wanted to speak to dsd and I could hear her shouting at her.

Dsd was upset then, so I took her up to ds10s room and the 4 of us played Mario kart which broke the ice, ds was so happy to see dsd and they were laughing their heads off, after dsd was sitting cuddling Dh for a while. Then I suggested I'd walk her home to her mums as her mum had told her she wanted her back at specific time, however dsd asked if Dh could walk her instead which of course I was pleased about.

He got home a while later, and apparently dsd had had an argument with her dm about not cleaning out her fish tank. Her dm said she'd called her an idiot so she had confiscated her phone. This is why she ran away, however on the way home dsd was telling Dh that she doesn't know who she is, that she wants to wear boys clothes but that her mother keeps buying her dresses, and that she wants her hair cut short but her mother won't allow it. Dh suggested that he could see dsd again this coming weekend however she refused, my belief is that she'll go back to ignoring him as soon as her phone is returned to him.

Dh is going to just go back to dropping her the odd text and making sure she knows that we will always accept her for whomever she wants to be.

Is this what anyone would do? Does this behaviour raise any red flags?

@VeniceQueen2004 Exactly!!

Honestly, I’m shocked at the ignorance (both on this thread and the other) about how to handle child abuse allegations. It doesn’t matter whether or not you think it’s false: you are obligated to report it. You can’t just settle it at home and decide it’s not an issue.

I would be very worried that this trans thing is another lie.

there is an epidemic of young girls in this country declaring trans identities

I wouldn't be so quick to assume she is trans or even thinks she is. She said she wanted to wear boys' clothes, not that she wanted to be a boy. I knew a rather posh and old-fashioned couple whose daughter (who would now be about 20) preferred to wear boys' clothes and the mother was very worried about it, not because she might be trans, but because people might say she was a "tomboy" and she, the mother, might be judged for not dressing her up in frilly dresses like the other mothers in her circle. I don't know what the daughter looks like now, but I know she still uses her very obviously female name, and I think her preference for boys' clothes was simply about comfort and practicality.

You know those papers you 'found' that said she wished your DS and she were real brother and sister? I suspect you were meant to find them.

And where does she go from here? She's accused her dad of the worst thing she could think of...how will she up the ante from here, next time she is thwarted? Just be careful because she could start accusing him of abusing YOUR children. And, now she knows her DM won't act on accusations, next time she may make them to teachers or someone who is in a position to remove your children from you.

Tread very carefully with your DSD. It sounds as though she may be a fantasist, who 'creates her own reality' when people don't do as she wants them to. Does she really, genuinely want to be a boy? My DD wore trousers and cut her hair and was a tomboy, no desire to be one though...

The only way I can see forward in this is to get LOTS of professional help with DSD and for her dad and mum to get together to talk, possibly with others present, about how to co-parent and stop DSD playing one off against another. Next time she's thwarted the accusations may be something that nobody can ignore.

Unless she's telling the truth, of course. In which case the professionals should help to turn that stone over.

Sorry I don't actually believe that children make this stuff up. 99 per cent.

Everyone going ''ohh attention seeking' ..'ooh who's next?'...are resting on attitudes that have allowed child sex abusers to get away with their disgusting behaviour for ever .

And they are all out there walking among us and pretending to be normal people.

Now I am not saying that OP'S partner is a child abuser but I don't think this kind of thing should just be dismissed and not believed .

Why aren't SS involved?

A normal father would have gone out of his way to repair things not just decided to cut out his child from his life...in case she says more... wtf?

Come on you do see why I described him as a 'prince among men'

She sounds very, very similar to a stepsister of a good friend of mine. We're in our late 20s now but whilst at secondary school my friends mother married a widowed man who had this daughter. She was quite frankly bitter, selfish and extremely troubled. She accused friends mother of abusing her (went to police, the school and her father. She created a fake email account in step mothers name and sent agressive emails to herself confessing this abuse, she would play her father and grandparents off against one another. To act out she would leave used sanitary products in friends mothers bed, wardrobes and draws. They tried therapy but she would run away and refuse to go. Tbh she moved out at 17 and now only has contact with her father when they meet for lunch a few times a year. It hasn't ended well at all.

Whilst shes as young as possible you really need to get your step daughter into some kind of therapy to salvage this.

Thank you everyone for your valuable insights.

This is an incredibly raw and delicate situation and last time I posted about it I received some very helpful advice, hence why I wanted to update on it.

I also received a lot of angsty, sometimes borderline rude posts about how I was enabling my Dh to be an abuser, how dare I not believe my dsd over him, I was denying an abused little girl etc.

However, this "abused little girl" is my stepdaughter whom I have known for 6 years. I've taken her on trips, looked after when she was sick, celebrated all her achievements and cuddled her when she was sad. I know her very well. She has always shown signs of manipulation. This isn't her fault. Her mum and my Dh have a fairly decent relationship now but in the beginning they didn't and dsd took the brunt of it. She would tell me things like her mum told her she can't love me and that Dh is a loser who chose to leave her. She wanted my phone number and wrote it on the sole of her foot so that her mum wouldn't know. She was never allowed to call Dh when she wanted to, when younger.

I DO NOT blame dsd for her behaviour. I blame both her parents they have failed her. Her dm for putting awful ideas and thoughts in her head, and Dh for not standing up to her dm for her and pretending nothing was happening.

But how are you dealing with the abuse allegations?

Outright denial by the sound of it.
I don't understand why ss aren't involved. With both families.

Yes - why did your DH/you not report them to SS?

The abuse was never something that was possible. My Dh has his failings as we all do but he is incredibly gentle and anyone who knows him knows it just wouldn't be possible for him to abuse his daughter.

At the time, Dh informed dsds dm about the abuse claims and told her she could handle them as she saw fit. He was fully prepared for SS to call him.

However nothing came of it and I think it's because her dm knew it was a lie. Either she confessed early and the dm just didn't tell us but for whatever reason nothing came of it, then recently the dm told Dh that dsd admitted she'd made the whole thing up because Dh took her phone away from her one night and she was angry.

This is just a small thing but I would avoid impressing on her how "devastated" you were and how much you will always "adore" her. "Upset", and "love" would have been enough. This is a child who is clearly fuelled by attention and the feeling that everyone's world revolves around her, it doesn't do her any good to be encouraged to think she's right.

Has she ever been assessed for anything.
she sounds like a very confused and upset teen and I would be concerned about her. But I do agree with what you have said about treading carefully.
Adhd in girls presents very much like this. with attention seeking, serious untruths, no hair brushing, and impulsive behaviours like running away with no shoes.

so her DM won't let DD be who she wants to be or allow her to get assessed for ASD

Her DF won't allow her to stay permanently, or seemingly suggest it. She walks 30 minutes barefoot seeking help and he still sends her home and her DSM talks about the occasional text.

No wonder that child is the way she is. No one is actually seeming to care or listen to her.

If she were my DSD, I'd arrange for her to move in permanently, get her assessed, get her counselling, and let her wear what she wants (even if it is a phase).

Poor child being let down by everyone.

@Destroyedpeople I think you've misunderstood. From OP's previous post the child accused her father of hitting her, not sexual abuse. The step mother is certain this didn't happen and the daughter has admitted to making it up because she wanted more screen time at her dad's house. Of course there's the possibility he did hit her (none of us here know) but she said it was a lie. No sexual abuse was ever mentioned, if I remember correctly. Also the father dud not "cut the daughter out of his life'. He made a lot of effort to see her, stay in touch and let her know he was there for her. It was the daughter who ignore him for so long. OP - I wouldn't use the word trans to DSD. Just suggest you can get her some clothes she likes. She will have many years to explore her identity. There's no need to put a label on it yet. Did she take her parents separation very hard? I'm just wondering why she seems so troubled.

@YonBonnieBanks her dm demanded she come home and she would have driven here and taken her from our house if Dh had said she was staying here. Her wishes are absolute and always have been. I get so angry with Dh for not standing up to her more

OP, you are not answering these questions properly. No-one on this thread is saying your DH is an abuser. We are pointing out that, whether you believe them to be true or not, you have an obligation to report allegations of abuse made to you by a child. It’s not clear why you didn’t do this - your original post states that the DSD actually ‘disclosed’ to you originally.
Your DH saying that the mother could contact SS if she wanted to is a complete cop-out, and I think you know it.

This child's parents are failing her. The fiest responsibility of both is the their child, and this means they have to talk. Yeteaxh seems to be making decisions aboit how to respond to and deal with her completely separately. I can't imagine how how confusing and unsettling this must be for her. Why on earth aren't her father and mother dealing with this together? I find the laid-back attitude of both of them very shocking. How is this child going to know which way is up?

@hotstepper4 if your DH believes that she could be on the spectrum, then I think he needs to organise for her to be assessed.
I’d also like to know if school is involved too.

Because, one way or the other, she needs OUTSIDE help.

Can Dh arrange for her to be assessed without the dms consent?

So why doesnt he stand up to her mum, OP?
Why is he not willing to fight to get his daughter help when she is so clearly suffering?

I would not be surprised if your DSD doesnt speak to either parent when she becomes an adult. She's screaming for help as loud as she can and it seems like the adults just want her to shut up. It's really sad.

@aSofaNearYou makes an excellent point. She doesn’t need to be adored, just loving her is enough. Remove the emotive language to help reduce the drama.

I find it odd that people are so fixated on why you/your DH didn't immediately report her accusations to SS. There is no government issued course on the correct response if a child makes an accusation, not everyone would automatically go to SS. Especially to report themselves, when they are fully aware it isn't true. Whether or not it would have been the correct thing to do, it doesn't strike me as shocking or unusual that they didn't do it.

I agree he needs to stand up to the dm however he never has in 6 years so who knows 🤨 I try to prompt him but he says that she will always just do what she wants and won't listen to him.

He did recently email some information on PDA to her, and said he believes dsd might have it. She came back and said absolutely not, and forwarded him her school report to prove it, which to be honest was a glowing report.

I think k your DH and his ex need to talk to each other agree communication and make sure they are on the same page.

This shouldn't be about DSD playing each of them against each other and the relationship will not work if every time mum says no, she runs to dad. Also her mum is primary career, she knows what counselling her daughter has had, is more aware of any issues at school and home, they should work together to support their daughter.

Sounds like she needs outside help. Maybe counseling of some kind.