Update on my DSD situation

[hotstepper4]

I'm not sure how to link to old threads but if you search my user ID I did a thread called "to think about her all the time"

I described how Dh and I haven't seen my dsd11 (12 in August) for a year. She cut him out of her life, after accusing him of abusing her. Recently, she confessed to her dm that this was a lie and that she said it because she didn't like the screen limitations at ours.

This was obviously a massive kick in the teeth as, you'll see from my other thread, I really adored her, and her accusations really affected Dh.

Something happened last night, and I'd like peoples views on it. Early evening, watching tv with Dh and there's a knock at the door. Dh opens it and it's dsd. She comes flying in, throws her arms around him, like nothing ever happened. I gave her a big hug too, we were both very aware of the strangeness of the situation but the last thing I wanted was to make her feel unwelcome.

After around half an hour, she told us that her dm, dh's exw, had no idea that she was even here, that she'd snuck out the back door while her dm was in the toilet. It was then that I realised she didn't have any shoes on! It's a 30 minute walk between our houses, thinking about what could have happened to her feet is 😫

Of course Dh immediately phoned her mum, who had been calling around dsds friends. It hadnt even occurred to her that she would be at our house as she has ignored every text message Dh has sent her in a year, and has strongly resisted contact. She immediately wanted to speak to dsd and I could hear her shouting at her.

Dsd was upset then, so I took her up to ds10s room and the 4 of us played Mario kart which broke the ice, ds was so happy to see dsd and they were laughing their heads off, after dsd was sitting cuddling Dh for a while. Then I suggested I'd walk her home to her mums as her mum had told her she wanted her back at specific time, however dsd asked if Dh could walk her instead which of course I was pleased about.

He got home a while later, and apparently dsd had had an argument with her dm about not cleaning out her fish tank. Her dm said she'd called her an idiot so she had confiscated her phone. This is why she ran away, however on the way home dsd was telling Dh that she doesn't know who she is, that she wants to wear boys clothes but that her mother keeps buying her dresses, and that she wants her hair cut short but her mother won't allow it. Dh suggested that he could see dsd again this coming weekend however she refused, my belief is that she'll go back to ignoring him as soon as her phone is returned to him.

Dh is going to just go back to dropping her the odd text and making sure she knows that we will always accept her for whomever she wants to be.

Is this what anyone would do? Does this behaviour raise any red flags?

It all seems like ‘normal‘ adolescent behaviour in as much as adolescent behaviour is completely off the wall most of the time! She had a row with her mum and had her phone confiscated so she ran off to her dad who she knew would love her and make a fuss of her. Her concerned mum was trying to track her down and she went home willingly later that night.

The stuff about wanting to be more boylike and her mum dismissing this may or may not be an area of concern. It’s hard to say on the basis of a short conversation. I doubt the mum, who has been a completely lone parent for a year would take kindly to any input from your DH at the moment. All you can do atm is watch and wait.

IME it puts a huge burden on teenagers when they are able to go from one home to another with their grievances stirring up dissent and drama between separated parents. In their self-centred anguish against the unfairness of life it’s hard for them to resist doing it. It’s equally hard for each parent to hear outrageous complaints about their ex and not get sucked in. PPs are right that this is when a united parental front is helpful, but not always achievable.

It sounds as if you and your DH are doing the right things. Being available, non-judgemental and loving. Your DH should keep up the text contact. Make sure she knows she is loved and wanted and your door is always open and then let leave things up to her.

I think the unfortunate thing is that she has turned herself into the boy who cries wolf - she has lied about a lot of very serious things and now it's impossible to know whether she is being truthful.

Dh never didn't love her he was just devastated by her accusations and thought removing himself from the situation entirely was best, which it WASNT and he knows that. He's been messaging her ever since the last thread and the only text she actually responded to was the one he sent asking her if she wanted Robux for her birthday.

I told her last night that I will always adore her and she always knows where I am if she needs anything at all.

There seems to be a lot of extremes of emotions and behaviour going on all round - 'adoring' 'devastated', such a rollercoaster.

She needs calm and consistent support, either by her parents/important adults in her life and professionally.

Treading careful does seem wise though.

I think your DH needs to be very very careful and quite possibly go NC with her unless with others around. She has already accused him of abusing her, she could very easily said that more abuse happened on the walk back home last night.

Your DH needs to protect your family from the possibility of false accusations first and care for his DD second, this also may include not messaging her unless it is on a group chat with others who can see for what is send between them.

She needs proper help from a professional.

Reading between the lines, if something happens against her will such as screen limitations or phone being taken away, she plays people off and causes significant issues. This is not normal behaviour and considering her age and how far she has gone already, this needs to happen fast.

She probably took shoes and hid them in a bush.

That’s sort of progress. Having posted on some of your other threads my take would be:

1. Her mum is in denial about her daughter. Her personality. Her likes and dislikes. Just because she says your DSD has no issues, I wouldn’t be buying it.

2. This girl is deeply troubled. Time for her parents to grow up and sit down in a room to discuss the issues. Your dh needs to do whatever grovelling and apologising to make that happen.

3. Your DSD needs more than just 10 sessions of counselling. She needs a child psychologist at the very least and possibly psychiatric intervention.

4. Your dsd needs a cahms referral and to ascertain if she’s on the spectrum or has another disorder.

5. I would be liaising with her new school - she’s going into yr7, isn’t she?

I think your DH shouldn't see her unless another adult is present. What if she accuses him again?

So far it sounds as though her false accusations have been swept under the carpet, but she could utterly ruin someone's life like that.

I think your DH should go no contact with his DD after her malicious and untrue accusations. She sounds nasty and manipulative. Who will be the next person to be accused if they cross her.

hotstepper4 Wed 22-Jul-20 08:48:28
The abuse claims were never acted on because her mother knew what dsd was like and I believe she always knew she was lying.

What happened to "I believe you" ?

Haven't read your other thread, but are you seriously saying that no investigation was done after the accusations? "Because you knew" ? It doesnt matter what her behaviour is/was like, any accusation should be thoroughly investigated

Oh and I forgot.

6. I think whatever happens now your dh needs to regularly communicate with her. It doesn’t have to be anything heavy but this girl needs intervention. NOT to be left with a mother in denial.

I don't see why people are having a go at your husband. From everything you've written in this post and your previous post it seems he's handled the situation very sensitively (despite false serious allegations being made against him and his daughter ignoring him for many months). He's now invited her round for lunch but will drop her text messages letting her know he's there for her only IF she starts ignoring him again. I know adolescents are hard work but she does sound a little troubled. I certainly wouldn't have made up such serious lies against a parent or run away from home at her age. I think your DH needs to chat to his ex-wife about what the daughter said about clothes and her identity confusion. Maybe he could offer to take her clothes shopping. In answer to your question I think he's doing everything right and I don't know what else he can do apart from having serious discussions with the girl's mother. He is there for his DD whenever she needs to talk.

@Mummyoflittledragon

That’s sort of progress. Having posted on some of your other threads my take would be:

1. Her mum is in denial about her daughter. Her personality. Her likes and dislikes. Just because she says your DSD has no issues, I wouldn’t be buying it.

2. This girl is deeply troubled. Time for her parents to grow up and sit down in a room to discuss the issues. Your dh needs to do whatever grovelling and apologising to make that happen.

3. Your DSD needs more than just 10 sessions of counselling. She needs a child psychologist at the very least and possibly psychiatric intervention.

4. Your dsd needs a cahms referral and to ascertain if she’s on the spectrum or has another disorder.

5. I would be liaising with her new school - she’s going into yr7, isn’t she?

with the first point (understand you have read the other threads and have more insight) If her mum thinks dsd does not have any issues, then why didnt she go further with the abuse accusations?

At her age she should be capable of understanding the magnitude of her lie about her DF, yet it doesn't sound like she's suffered any consequences /had any sort of chat through what made her do it/no apology etc. Her DM probably hasn't done this with her as she doesn't have a good relationship with DF and hasn't impacted her. Her DF has just accepted her back no questions asked because he's scared to lose her again etc.

Agree with others above, this is attention seeking behaviour from a troubled child who needs help and support re this and both parents on the same page or it'll only escalate as she gets older.

Please find a way to get her DF and DM on the same page re managing this, then seek help for next steps. They need to both get over their own egos and concentrate on what's best for their child.

Unbelievable that because of 'what she's like' she didn't follow up on an accusation of abuse. That poor child. Even if it is a lie what a smack in the face to be told she won't be believed and protected from abuse.

Exactly @MidnightCitrus.

It’s not even just about the DD. There are other children involved who need to see that claims of abuse are dealt with properly, again so that they know they will be protected should anything happen to them in future.

The possibility of further false accusations is another reason why the DH shot himself in the foot by not going to SS. If she does allege something, perhaps to someone else, and it is reported, it will come out that the first accusation was essentially ‘hidden’ which will look suspicious. Whereas had SS been involved from the get go, further allegations could have been referred back to the initial report. All the adults involved have acted extremely irresponsibly when it comes to protecting the family.

Midnight
I agree. So much I don’t understand either. I don’t understand a father walking away from his primary school child because he is hurt about an allegation.

Had her mum reported the abuse allegations, she could have got help for her dd. But perhaps that is the point. She perhaps doesn’t want her dd to have help. Idk.

She sounds very young for her age as well.... I'm thinking trauma or special needs frankly based on your description of her behaviour.

Tread gently. She's getting perilously close to playing the two parents off against each other.

This. And what she accused her father of was TERRIBLE! She can have no idea how hurtful and how very serious it was, and tbh, I wouldn't let it go by without some repercussions. He could have ended up in court, or been prevented from living with you and his DS, just because a child took a hissy fit at having to follow reasonable house rules. It's also dangerous because if anything does happen to he jin the future - say a neighbour or teacher abuses her - who is going to believe her? She's handed potential abusers a "get-out-of-jail-free" card.

Also - is she being taught about transgender at school? For child who feels they need to be the centre of attention, and who wants to manipulate adults, it seems to be a good bandwagon to jump on. - particularly as she is of an age to be entering puberty which is a very confusing and difficult time for anyone.

Would agree that if she starts to visit you again, I would let her pick some clothes she is comfortable in - but I wouldn't get her hair cut. Don't stir things with her mother.

Make her welcome, but be careful of what she says too you about her mother - she is obviously fibbing - or at least exaggerating - and she will no doubt say things about you and your DH which aren't exactly true, too.

She's found she has a superpower in everyone's affection for her, and seems happy to abuse it.

I would even suspect that the false allegation was to ‘prove’ to herself that she isn’t loved/wanted/cared for (from her perspective, not saying she actually isn’t). She wanted you all to demonstrate that you would take steps to protect her if necessary and you didn’t, essentially confirming in her mind that her pain, real or otherwise, doesn’t matter.

@Viviennemary

People like you make me shudder. That's his child. She's a child. And obviously an extremely troubled one. Parents who think they can just walk away from their children if they don't behave in the way they want make me sick.

Whether people want to accept it or not, there is an epidemic of young girls in this country declaring trans identities, sometimes because they have genuine dysphoria, but most commonly as a way or acting out, seeking attention, expressing trauma, self harming, or trying to explain their adolescent sense of not fitting in. It sounds like your dsd is scarily close to becoming one such girl, and that she likely has some significant issues driving this. I'm not accusing your dh of anything, but 2 of the biggest risk factors for young girls believing/claiming they aren't really girls are autism and sexual abuse. Putting it all together with the accusation of abuse she's already made and I would be very worried that someone (and I'm making absolutely no suggestions about who that might be) has abused your dsd. The fact that her mum just assumed she was lying and took no action to have the accusations investigated is another huge red flag that she isn't being safeguarded properly at home. Again, I'm not accusing your dh of anything, but on no account must he be alone with your dsd for the foreseeable future. For his sake as well as hers. And she needs professional help urgently, something which gets to the heart of the many many complex issues at play here before they all get packaged up and swept under the carpet as part of a trans identity. Treading softly is a good idea, but your dh and his ex need to understand that this is an emergency and work together to help their daughter. Please do not treat whatever going on as something that will resolve itself if you just give it time and tiptoe around on egg shells.

Why does everyone just go along with 'she made false allegations of abuse and her dad decided therefore to cut her out'......

From an innocent parent it's utterly bizarre behaviour.

Also who were those allegations s made to? Why aren't ss involved with both families?

@SchadenfreudePersonified

It's also dangerous because if anything does happen to he jin the future - say a neighbour or teacher abuses her - who is going to believe her? She's handed potential abusers a "get-out-of-jail-free" card.

This is precisely why her accusation should have been taken seriously and properly followed up/proved false. You HAVE to approach abuse claims from children from the position of believing the child. A lie is easy enough to prove if things are properly followed up. If you come at it from a position of disbelief you are givng genuine abusers carte blanche on that child because "you all know what she's like, she'll say anything." It is the parents' lack of thoroughness that give them that free pass, not the child. Children are not to blame for being abused.

So what happens if the next person she accuses is a teacher at school and a family and career is ruined. If she is making false accusations it needs to be addressed and if they are true then they need to be dealt with by an appropriate person. Sweeping under the carpet till next time shouldn't be an option. And no contact with person accused is a given surely.,

@okiedokieme

All all honesty, he needs to sit down with his ex and work out how to manage dsd. She's obviously troubled, quite manipulative and it's not going to get easier in the teen years, needs to be sorted now.

You need a child access plan that works for everyone, her mum needs backing up with discipline. She's still a kid and cannot be calling the shots

@okiedokieme has summed up exactly what I was going to say much more succinctly than I would have done.