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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

312 replies

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 17:38

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 21/07/2020 21:57

His behaviour is worth a massive row. What an arse!

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 22:06

His behaviour is worth a massive row

is it? Who is upset and want to cry right now? how is that helping anyone?

It's such a shame so many posters on here are always trying to make every situation even worst. It's not a soap opera, it's real life.

SnackSizeRaisin · 21/07/2020 22:08

I think you are over reacting here OP. You are tired after a long day at work and were hoping for a nice dinner and conversation and understandably felt disappointed...but screaming and shouting is never a solution. When he said about the golf you would have been better to say "before you go would you mind feeding the baby/peeling the potatoes/tidying up a bit" and then when he got back ask him to let you know a bit more in advance next time.
In any case you don't need to spend hours cooking dinner. Just have something quick and then relax. Don't bother with the tidying up.
Why does he feel he needs your permission to do something he enjoys? Both of you should be taking time to do things you want with the encouragement of the other one. Of course he needs some time to himself. Having a baby together does not mean you can control his life. Sit down and discuss what time you will each have to go out separately.
With household chores, you can't expect him to do things the same way you do. Try and agree who will do what but unfortunately if he has lower standards than you, you either have to put up with it or do the extra yourself - you don't get to dictate that he has to do things your way.
Perhaps your husband doesn't want a clean house and dinner cooked - he might prefer you both to have more time to yourselves and eat beans on toast. It doesn't make him wrong. It sounds as though things have been a bit too perfect whilst you've been off and you don't feel appreciated...but maybe he just doesn't care as much about that stuff as you do.
I think just go and say sorry for shouting and explain why you were upset. Hopefully he will tell you why he felt like rushing off to play golf and you can meet in the middle.

Scout2016 · 21/07/2020 22:09

@brakethree I was actually trying to politely suggest that he couldn't even hack one day of parenting alone, but didn't like to assume that was the case.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 21/07/2020 22:12

It is better to do it now than getting stressed up over time and exploding later in more serious situations.
OP is working now. Dh needs to adjust his behaviour, and expected to do more.
They need to talk. Sometimes getting angry and saying things in your mind is needed. If OP's dh is a kind of person who are able to think for others, he wouldn't have done what he did to OP.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 21/07/2020 22:13

That was response to Janice.

Londonmamabychance · 21/07/2020 22:18

Ugh HE is being unreasonable! Men! Why do we have to fight every step of the way for them to do their bit at home and with the kids, while we are also working outside the home! This would also have made me so angry.

Comtesse · 21/07/2020 22:19

@JaniceWebster nope - he was a slacker and kicked off when OP was annoyed. Do you remember your first day back after mat leave? It’s a delicate time, emotions run high. Expecting to slope off and play golf is pretty crap.

@SnackSizeRaisin does “doing things differently” involve not feeding a baby? Sounds more like making excuses for a slack dad to me.

I can only assume he felt a bit guilty about not being on the case and projected that as mocking you OP. I would be furious too.

Chochito · 21/07/2020 22:24

Hope your first day was OK, OP. Sorry your husband is a massive twat.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/07/2020 22:24

I really don't blame you for your reaction OP. I'm afraid it sounds like your DH is a selfish, patronising twat, he clearly does not respect you or your job. During my many years experience I've learned to be explicit in my expectations so I'd suggest asking him what he planned to cook that night. Make your expectations clear!

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/07/2020 22:26

I would be worried that at the first opportunity the mask slipped. We all know of men who are mr wonderful till they know their partner is stuck, then change.

The contempt, sarcasm, laughing and utter selfishness would be a big red flag for me. I suspect this is going to run for quite some time getting progressively worse.

What was he doing all day? What was he thinking all day? Not about his he could look after his child, or make things nice for his wife the way she has done for him for all of those months.

Instead he was dwelling on how hard done by he was and how he was going to get even by doing nothing then handing the baby to her and going out. Not even doing a bit of cleaning, suggesting s takeawsy and asking her how it went after so long away.

No. His thoughts were all about how he had to spend a day with his baby and how to make sure it never happens again. This is not a decent man. This will not end well.

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 22:26

Can't get over the fucking cheek of it. Told him to sleep in the spare room if he's going to be a dick. Went to bed an hour ago, he just walked in and walked back out. I thought he came and got a charger, nope he came and left the baby monitor on my bedside table. Guess that's my job too!

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 21/07/2020 22:32

Stick to your guns! What a massive twat! He just can't wait to put you in your place can he?

Someone else said 'this is a hill to die on' and I agree. If you let this go it's not going to be ok.

As a pp poster suggested give him beans on toast. That person also suggested you apologise which is a joke.

Anyway the more you play domestic goddess the more problems you make for yourself. Stop being perfect!

hammeringinmyhead · 21/07/2020 22:32

Oh but OP, you just need to communicate. On your next working day don't forget to communicate that babies need to be fed. Maybe leave your DH a map to the microwaveable meals section of the supermarket.

This evening DH spent an hour doing bedtime and getting our toddler to sleep, but apparently it's ok if I don't even switch the oven on and sit on my arse watching Netflix while he does that, because domestic chores are optional and he shouldn't expect any attempt at teamwork.

CurlsandCurves · 21/07/2020 22:32

I absolutely don’t blame you for reacting as you did, I’d be fuming too.

However, it’s served to highlight that you guys need to talk and work this out long term. Who is working when, who can do what around the house and finally when the both of you can grab a bit of downtime either together or separately.

If you’re both now back at work you need to do some planning to make sure everything is covered. And neither of you are left feeling resentful or losing their mind with stress.

LizB62A · 21/07/2020 22:33

Unfortunately your DH is a lazy dick

You need a rota

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 22:33

Comtesse
nope - he was a slacker and kicked off when OP was annoyed.

You are missing the point. It's the OP who is in nearly in tears, who screamed and is upset. It's only the OP who will suffer if she listened to ridiculous poster.

I can't say I blame the DH for silently giving her the baby monitor, that's exactly what i would have done too - as childish as it might be.

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/07/2020 22:33

Oh and I suggest you take up a very time consuming hobby for the evenings. One that requires you to leave the house.

honeygirlz · 21/07/2020 22:34

Can't get over the fucking cheek of it. Told him to sleep in the spare room if he's going to be a dick. Went to bed an hour ago, he just walked in and walked back out. I thought he came and got a charger, nope he came and left the baby monitor on my bedside table. Guess that's my job too!

Are you both working tomorrow? Why does he expect you to get up?

lilgreen · 21/07/2020 22:36

Yanbu

lilgreen · 21/07/2020 22:37

You know what to do when he’s at work and you’re not.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/07/2020 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 22:38

This evening DH spent an hour doing bedtime and getting our toddler to sleep, but apparently it's ok if I don't even switch the oven on and sit on my arse watching Netflix while he does that, because domestic chores are optional and he shouldn't expect any attempt at teamwork

so if you are in couple you are no longer allowed to have any life outside the home, you are not allowed to work late/have a hobby/exercise/ meet friends for drinks or diner (restaurants ARE opened)?
nice...and some of us thought the ball and chain was a thing of the past.

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 22:39

@honeygirlz

Can't get over the fucking cheek of it. Told him to sleep in the spare room if he's going to be a dick. Went to bed an hour ago, he just walked in and walked back out. I thought he came and got a charger, nope he came and left the baby monitor on my bedside table. Guess that's my job too!

Are you both working tomorrow? Why does he expect you to get up?

I'm working tomorrow. He's at home with our baby. Deal has always been I have monitor when he's working next day, he has monitor when he's got a day off.

So usually on his day off he cooks, but he didn't bother doing that
And usually on his day off he has the monitor, but he hasn't done that either
Despite the fact it's still his day off, and the only thing that's changed is I'm at work.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 21/07/2020 22:39

Do you not think the actual suffering would be giving in and cooking on both her working and non-working days, getting up alone 7 nights with the baby, and accepting being laughed at? Fuck me.

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