Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

[messeduphelp]

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

Well I’d take the monitor back into him and tell him it’s his turn because you’re working tomorrow.

I am normally very much of the “see both sides of the argument” type person. But this behaviour is just ...

He has shown, very clearly, a complete lack of respect, thought, caring, consideration, empathy.

I mean, I get that it might have been a bit of a shock to the system being a SAHD today, but flipping heck - how difficult is it to even think “hmm, this has been a tough day, but think I’ve got the ability to at least pick up the phone and get a takeaway booked in”. And to not even have fed your child is just beyond not giving a shit. And to then announce “I’m off to golf”. And to then LAUGH at you - that laughter, to me, is the biggest warning klaxon ever. Totally and utterly demonstrates that you don’t matter in any way whatsoever. And, before you take that to heart, it isn’t “YOU”. I can bet my bottom dollar that he would behave like that with whoever he was lucky enough to marry.

And to the couple of posters who keep finding multiple ways to post and defend him/pass blame for no communication - shame on you. The fact that you have great communication with an obviously equal-minded DH is fantastic, but not everyone ends up with that type of person. The cooking/cleaning/golf thing COULD maybe be figured out - but the vile laughing response is a huge indication that she isn’t dealing with the kind of guy that you’re able to communicate with.

OP - all I can say is that I hope you at least got a break from things this evening and that maybe you can both have a discussion over the coming days. But you need to be very clear about what is expected of you both going forward. And that, when he pulls his weight, it is NEVER doing normal household/child stuff as a FAVOUR - it’s just as much his responsibility and, if he can’t live up to that, then you need to decide how much you’re prepared to put up with.

So he's a manipulative, controlling prick basically?

If you have children, both of you have responsibility. No one has said they are no longer allowed to go out, just that they need to work as a team. You are deliberately twisting things. but why, Janice? I don't think you are as happy as you claim to be.

OH my god OP you’ve done well not to kill him. This is so unbefuckinglievable.

YANBU. He was thoughtless, selfish, lazy and has no respect for you. I suggest you show him the same careless attitude and don't cook for him or tidy up. Take the monitor in to him and tell him he is the one getting up as you are working tomorrow.

I honestly am wondering about the mental fitness and emotional intelligence of a few posters on this thread who have attempted to derail this very important topic! As for your husband,OP I'd tell him to rethink his extremely poor choices fast or he'd be looking at a divorce

If I was going out I'd have either made something for DH for when he finished work, or looked after the toddler while he made himself something.

Blimey, I forgot some posters are from a long-gone century. Silly us modern folks who are perfectly able to independently make ourselves something to eat.

So following the reasoning, if you are going out straight after work, you prepare something the day before or in the morning before work? Really? Why?

YANBU

@Fairenuff

'He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. '

Nooo, this makes you look unreasonable now.

When he said 'I won't go then' you should have said, 'Thank you, now if you could feed the baby and tidy up whilst I'm soaking in the bath, I will be back down to play with baby whilst you cook our dinner'.

And you could have had a lovely evening and got what you wanted all along. Plus he would have learned not to do it again.

This op. This.

Tomorrow night, on your way home, practise saying this. In case he pulls this shit again.

So the first chance he gets he's essentially controlling you and telling you that you are doing it all. By bringing the monitor in despite previous agreement. I wouldn't be surprised if you 'suddenly' get called to come home tomorrow.

There won't be a clean house or dinner cooked. He couldn't even make it past the first fucking day. Just wow.

Just seen the update. Out the monitor back in his room. Id be livid right now.

I totally get it op. Took years for my dh to see the house isn't self clean, there's no robot to do all the washing and tidying. I dont just do all the shopping and cooking and I work full time being on call too.

You have to make it clear what you want and what is fair. Me and dh had been a lot of arguments in the past about his lack of responsibility at home, I still do more at home than him. He earns a lot more doesn't mean I have to work harder at home.

So the first chance he gets he's essentially controlling you

as opposed to his partner who is telling him he's not allowed to go out?

Why can't people just suggest for everybody to calm down and speak to each other, instead of trying to make things worst? I know people used to pay to see gladiators fighting, and are mesmerised by Big Brother or love Island but come on, this is getting ridiculous.

YANBU I have been wfh for the last 3 months & have done 95% of the cooking as I can put stuff on / go to the shop during my lunch break & I was home 1st. I've went back to the office 3 weeks ago & now have an hour long commute. My DP automatically took over the majority of the cooking as they are home 1st. On my 1st day back (in the office) they had my tea ready for when I got home as they knew I'd be tired from the extra 2hrs driving. I didn't even need to "communicate" it to them as surely that's having understanding / empathy towards others!
On the flip they have previously had 6 weeks off post-op & on their 1st day back I made sure they came home to dinner made as I love them & it's a small gesture in the grand scheme to show someone love & care.

@JaniceWebster

If I was going out I'd have either made something for DH for when he finished work, or looked after the toddler while he made himself something.

Blimey, I forgot some posters are from a long-gone century. Silly us modern folks who are perfectly able to independently make ourselves something to eat.

So following the reasoning, if you are going out straight after work, you prepare something the day before or in the morning before work? Really? Why?

I lost my job in March; thanks for rubbing that in.

I don't really know what you're not getting here. It's easier to cook without the toddler around. While I am looking after him during the day, I might put something in the slow cooker while he has an afternoon nap, or yes, even the night before after he's gone to bed. Or, when DH finishes work, one cooks and one plays with the toddler. It's not a "rule". Just a nice thing to do to share the load.

I have never ever handed DS over to DH and said I was going out, but couldn't be arsed to have given him any dinner. That's just a sad thing for a father to do.

I hope you took the baby monitor right back to him!

OP this is your H telling you very clearly ‘you’re back to work now, back to normal.’

Don’t put up with it.

Maybe OP would have been OK with him going out if he'd tidied and got the evening meals ready for all - like any reasonable person would who'd been at home all day.

@janicewebster she’s not saying he’s not allowed to go out. She’s saying he’s chosen the first day she’s been back at work after maternity leave to play golf. He has been at home all day but hasn’t planned dinner or fed the baby. If he’d done both those things before saying he was going to play golf, it might have been just about ok, though it seems a pity he doesn’t want to spend the evening with her since she’s been out all day. As it is, he’s been a shit and the thing with the baby monitor makes him a bigger shit.

Janice you aren't understanding that this is not what normal decent partners do. The laughing, the whole 'here's your baby I'm going out'. It's great that you have a decent man. Not everyone does.

This one isnt good. He isnt kind. He isn't decent. And yes it is possible to tell that from these posts. Sometimes being reasonable and communicating doesn't work. This isn't about two adults and one needs some time because they have been slogging away. It's his first day. And he feels so entitled he's decided he's changing the rules.

Because they discussed the plan - and the very very first day he had to do his part he refused. Then laughed at her. My god.

"as opposed to his partner who is telling him he's not allowed to go out?"

Op has never said that. If her dh who was at home all day put the baby to bed, made the dinner for her, and welcomed her home after the first day at work, I am sure she was happy if dh wanted to go out to play golf.