Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

[messeduphelp]

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

I would definitely be walking that monitor back to the spare room right now OP!

What a class A dick.

He didn't even feed his own child. His own little baby and he didn't bother

Well if hes going to make you go to work and parent and cook and clean what the fuck do you need a partner for?

You could split and have the weekends off. Sounds blissful.

Wow what a cunt. You both work hard during the day, you both get to relax in the evening, playing golf or whatever. It's his fucking fault that he's not relaxing as he wants to, because he has not upheld his side of the bargain.

@LolaSmiles your post sums it up perfectly for me.

YANBU at all. Even if he found it impossible (I get it, suddenly going from looking after a one year old on your own all day is 0-60) he should have put in 100000% for your first day back.

I'm not surprised he found it hard at all. Us women do it every day and we are used to it, hence being able to have a clean house and cooked meal every night, but for his first time, it's understandable he struggled.

But.

He should have put more effort in and not arranged to play golf on your first day back. He should have made sure you could spend the day together to celebrate you being back at work!

@EugenesAxe Wow what a cunt. You both work hard during the day, you both get to relax in the evening, playing golf or whatever.

What actually happened was he say on his arse all day and didn't feed his own kid. Obviously that's just fucking exhausting. So, yeah, a cunt.

Monitor back in with him.
Discussion tomorrow about expectations on what SAHP and work parent is responsible for.
Work out me time for each of you so he can play golf and you can do your hobbies.
What seems reasonable to you may need spelling out to him and vice versa

Please tell me you've taken the monitor into him??

Nice and calm 'as I've had the monitor the nights before you are working, then you need to see to the baby tonight as I am working tomorrow'

I'm actually fuming for you OP what a selfish prick he has been, sick of men doing this to women, expecting us to do everything.
If he pulls this stunt again, sort the baby out, run yourself a hot bath and order a take away for yourself and leave the fucker to sort himself out!!!

Maybe once emotions have calmed down, you can talk to him about how it makes you feel. If he still doesn't understand/ is being a dick, i wouldnt cook or clean for him again until gets it.

I can't believe we live in 20 fucking 20 and this blatant sexism and inconsideration and selfishness from men still exists in the developed world :'(

I sincerely hope you took the monitor back to where he's sleeping, the absolute wanker.

I'd make it clear your marriage will not survive such selfishness on his part.

Is this you with the other thread OP about sitting at the wrong desk?! What a day you've had!

Hope you put monitor in with him.

He's a special kind of cunt isn't he.

@TokyoSushi

Is this you with the other thread OP about sitting at the wrong desk?! What a day you've had!

Yep

Your dh has behaved badly. But only because it's your first day back. Just because you have kept a super tidy house with hot food for him on the table does t mean he is obliged to reciprocate. He should have on your first day back but more than that is not an obligation imo. You didn't have to do those things.

My husband works full time. I'm At home with the kids. In case it's relevant I "earn" more than he does. But I'm still at home all the days he is working and I'm not working. I would be mightily pissed off if he adopted the attitude that because I'm at home I can cook for him and iron his shirts and tidy up like some kind of scivvy. I've never ironed a shirt in the 14 years we have been together. I feed the kids generally and sometimes I cook for him. Mostly he cooks for me but I don't expect him to. sometimes I can't be bothered to cook (and the kids have soup for dinner). I'm pretty houseproud so clean and tidy a lot because I want to but if he ever commented that the house was a mess I would tell him to tidy it up if it bothers him. Not my job. You can't expect your husband to do all the things that you do. Equally he can't dictate to you why you should do anything. That said it's nice to be nice and to do things for each other. There shouldn't be an obligation though.

Out of interest has your husband done much looking after your son on his own? He may need some adjustment time too. He had been a bit of a dick though.

Honestly, I’d smother him with a fucking pillow...but that’s just me.

Monitor back in with him. Nip this shit in the bud NOW. You get equal time off, he does the same work you do at home when it's his day to be with your son. Get some bombproof birth control. Don't have another kid with him until he's shown he can shape up. NO training or rotas or FA, no one ever did this to you and you puzzled it out.

These year-long mat leaves sometimes are really bad for women who marry and procreate with a sexist, selfish prick.

willitbetonight
a very well written post, thank you.

Sorry @Vodkacranberryplease, I'm not sure I entirely understand your post, but with that sentence I wasn't describing what had happened - it was a theoretical scenario in which going to play golf would have been acceptable. As he did not do that in the slightest, it was his fault he couldn't go.