Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

[messeduphelp]

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

He's shown you how little he thinks of the effort you make. So you show him the same back.

It's taken years to "train" DH but we're finally heading in the right direction. On his day off, if he didn't cook we would have toast. He would stare at me all confused thinking where is my tea............... until he realised that I wasn't doing a full day at work then waiting on him.

He now cooks. If he doesn't and makes excuses, I then don't cook on my day off.

He gets what he gives, in other words. Don't be his doormat love, and well done for surviving your first day. It's so tough leaving baby and going back to unfamiliar territory.

Yanbu. You dont need to calm down and have a conversation. He knows full bloody well hes been an arse.

mathanxiety
Does your H laugh at you and mock you much JaniceWebster?

The day I lose my shit and scream at him I'll tell you what he does.🤷

I am not blaming the OP, I replied to her earlier pointing out the lack of communication, then most of my replies have been directly to posters who are over-exaggerating as usual and trying to make a bad situation even worst, because they enjoy the drama and think there's nothing more funny than trying to push people into even worst arguments.

I am sorry, I genuinely fail to see why anyone would EXPECT a meal ready and all life to stop when they are back from work, and it goes for both! Regardless of what I might think anyway, TALKING to each other and making clear that 1 is expecting xyz and the other is having plans.. that would save a lot of aggravation.

It's taken years to "train" DH but we're finally heading in the right direction.

I honestly cannot comprehend that attitude. If the attitude from your partner is unacceptable to you, why on earth have you ever tolerated it in the first place? What sort of relationship can you have if you feel contempt towards your partner?

I would be really pissed off as well.
Hopefully he's got the message.

Well OP, you are married to a right nasty piece of work who has just established exactly how little he thinks about you.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof.
Be very careful about being financially dependent on a man like this.

His laughing at you, when you are so upset after your first day back at work, is truly vicious.

I would not be giving odds on you having a long successful relationship with someone so awful.

Seek support IRL.
Protect yourself financially.
Protect yourself emotionally.

YANBU. He should have been there for you today. Selfish

The laughing would do it for me.

Hope he's apologetic once he realises what's he's done.

If a woman was told by her husband that she not only was not allowed to go out on the day he's back to work, but she was ALSO expected to have diner ready for him.... posters would scream for her to divorce him*

Oh yeah? And what if that was phrased as "DH made me dinner and fed the baby every night for a year while he took paternity leave. He went back to work today and was annoyed because I didn't cook for him or the baby and went to my mate's house for a catch up as soon as he got in. AIBU?"

What a gaslighting piece of work you are.

He got it wrong. He assumed I'd want to spend time our son after not seeing him all day and he could go out.

He is twisting things to make himself look good.
If he had wanted to do that, he would have made dinner, prepare food for his ds and have everything ready so you could come home and spend the time WITH your ds, doing things WOTH him rather rather cooking your ds dinner, your dinner, tidying up etc...
He is making excuses, and crap ones at that.

He just said can I stop being argumentative. He got it wrong. He assumed I'd want to spend time our son after not seeing him all day and he could go out.

Did he assume that you would want to cook the baby's dinner and clean the house too?

I have a boring part time hospital admin job, and he's got this high flying career and it's just so evident my job isn't important in his eyes. Like my days couldn't possibly be as busy/difficult as his

That's not just your work he is look down on. It's you too. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

Is this the first day he's had parenting on his own? Wondering if it's been a bit much for him and he can't wait to get out and do something else, something "grown up". Not that that's an excuse.
What's been stopping him doing all these things he wants to do every other day?

JaniceWebster, you ask why op did everything for a year, can't you really not see why? Because she cares for her dh. Dh works outside, and she was at home, so she did what makes dh's life comfortable.
OP only wanted to come back and relax after a long day at work first time in a year. most caring person wouldn't act like her dh did.
But I do feel sorry for you if you can't understand that and think it's nothing wrong in saying what you are saying. But you seem happy, so that seem ok.

Thank goodness that my first day parenting wasn't 'a bit much' and I felt I had to go out and do something 'grown up' Dread to think of what would happen if every mother was like this!

Stop having his meals ready for him don’t tidy his things or wash his stuff.

Walk out as he walks in tomorrow, hand him the baby tell him you’re off for a walk/to meet a friend/doing anything for a couple of hours.

See how he reacts to that. If he objected laugh in his face and tell him, you expected him to jump at the chance to spend time with his child after being away all day and for most days since he was born.

He sounds like a nasty, selfish person who enjoyed putting you down and making you doubt yourself.

I second pp, reinforce your contraception and personally I’d be looking to increase my salary and put money aside for a rainy day fund.

xolotltezcatlopoca
JaniceWebster, you ask why op did everything for a year, can't you really not see why? Because she cares for her dh.

I appreciate your old fashion way, it's just different from mine. I do very much care for my Dh, but I don't see myself as his mother or his housekeeper.

We have always more or less shared the boring chores, redundancy or maternity leave included. I would expect mine to tell me he was playing golf that night, not feel like he had to stay home just because wifey tell him so. And I would never accept to be told to stay in either.

It might not be your or my first choice, but you can't tell me it's absolutely unreasonable to imagine that a mother would want to spend time with her baby after her first day at work - he should have ASKED but most people would decline leaving the baby with someone else after a first day.

I thank you for feeling sorry for me, but I am happier as an equal partner in my relationship.

Thank goodness that my first day parenting wasn't 'a bit much' and I felt I had to go out and do something 'grown up' hmm Dread to think of what would happen if every mother was like this!

sadly, when a poster dares posting that she is going for a holiday, a weekend away or simply a night out because she has childcare (obviously) and she needs time for herself, she gets absolutely abused on here.

I wish people would concentrate on changing that ridicule mindset instead of wasting time arguing about the use of Ms/Mrs or the change of family name.

@Hardbackwriter

He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do"

God, he's a manipulative dick.

I would want to kill him for that.

OP I’m so sorry this happened on your first day back. I would’ve felt exactly the same. YANBU. Dinner not being cooked would’ve been the last straw for me too. I support others suggestions that you need to have a conversation when you’re both relaxed about expectations.

I’m taking a career break and I guess I’ve fallen into role of ‘stay at home wife’. My DH grew up just him and his dad, brothers plus step mum who didn’t do much of the homely stuff. He doesn’t see the value of a clean house, dinners cooked, laundry ironed etc. He’s just not bothered if it’s done or not. He doesn’t ask for it. It’s important to me so I continue to do it for me, I don’t expect him to appreciate it anymore. It’s frustrating but I try not to let it cause arguments or to feel resentful about it.

@Hellothere19999 the 1950s called ... they want their views back

OP he's a gaslighting prick.

I'm sorry. Being a mother IS a full time job. So housework and cooking should still be divided even when you're on maternity or a stay at home parent.

@Hellothere19999 I'm so happy you feel so confident spouting your 1950s housewife-shite everywhere. We fought for you to be able to do that. You're welcome.

OP - tell him to fuck off. Don't bother doing any of that stuff for him again. Just don't see the mess, the lack of dinner, anything.

I am totally playing devil's advocate here, but was this his first day looking after your DC? Maybe he really struggled? And so wanted to bugger off when you got back?
He was definitely a CF but I know when comparing my job to being a SAHM that being a SAHM is sooo much harder even though I love it

Stop it with that shit. He is a SAHP and that is now his job (at least on those 2 days) and OP doesn't have to buy in any of this. Struggled after one day? he needs to be doing more of this not less.

Ha ha, JaniceWebster, I don't think I am old fashioned at all. I cook because I love it, but hate cleaning, so my dh does it all, and he laughs and call it like bomb has exploded in kitchen. I put washing into washing machine, but I don't take it out, it's my dh who does that.
I don't like cleaning, so I rarely do. On the other hand, my dh loves it, so he does, while I am gaming. Each to their own, but we are both happy with it. And I am a SAHM.
But even if I don't like doing things, I would, if I knew my dh had a tough day after a long break. I would say, don't worry, just sit up and relax.

I'm sorry you had such a shit day, I remember the stress (and guilt) of the first back from mat leave