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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable when friend talks about money?

136 replies

Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 17:24

I have been close friends with a woman for about 10 years. She is probably my closest friend of all. We have never talked about money in our friendship but over the last 6 months or so she frequently raised the topic. We are both in our late 20s and just starting to move towards more well paid jobs.

She decided she deserved a promotion, saying ('well I am only on this but I should get ££' - already way more than me btw and I am decently paid). Last time myself and another friend were with her we felt out of our depth. Both of us spent years travelling and working while she has saved a lot of money and is now thinking about getting a house and a mortgage.

Anyway I saw her the other day and she started talking loudly about money, in public again and I was cringing so much. Blush

AIBU? She comes from a wealth family who puts money above everything but she never did. She votes Labour, says she is a socialist and I suppose going on about her capital was never a subject before. Her parents put a lot of pressure on her to be successful so it might be coming from that.

But what now bothers me is the last few times I've seen her she keeps pushing me to ask for a promotion and more money. Since when did this become such a hot topic? I dont know how to steer away from it but it is bothering me.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/07/2020 17:37

What's so wrong with talking about money and her encouraging you to find a promotion? She sounds fine to me

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 17:42

I have never talked about money with any friend. She already earns more than anyone our age would earn and more than me. So it is said in the context of 'well I dont earn enough' when she already earns a lot for her age. I feel like saying and I earn a pittance do I? I always felt we were on equal footing as friends but this is coming up every time I see her.

Because it is my life and up to me what to do with it. I am aiming to leave my current job in the next 6-9 months if I can so I dont really want to go for a promotion. And I wouldnt dream of saying to a friend 'you should really go for a promotion...'. What's it got to do with her?

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 21/07/2020 17:44

If you are happy without the promotion then fine. Tell her that. Sounds like she’s complimenting you and suggesting you are worth more in the workplace. Men think nothing of pushing their worth workwise. Maybe she’s seen the light?

Leaannb · 21/07/2020 17:46

Seriously you just sound jealous

vintageyoda · 21/07/2020 17:47

I'm sorry OP but it sounds a little like sour grapes. I get that it is considered vulgar to discuss money in our culture but your friend has clearly worked hard to get herself into a good position and it sounds like she is clumsily encouraging you to do the same.

If it were my friend I might make a little joke about it but I wouldn't really mind. Is the problem more that you thought you were doing okay and she has spoilt that feeling by achieving so much more?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/07/2020 17:48

Anyway I saw her the other day and she started talking loudly about money, in public again and I was cringing so much. Blush

I think this is a bit wet to be honest. You’re cringing because she dared to mention the M word in public? Who do you think cares?

If you’re fed up with her pushing you to go for your promotion, tell her so. If you’ve been friends for ten years surely you’re close enough to tell her that you’re not really interested in climbing the corporate ladder?

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 17:48

I know that men are more likely to get a promotion and that is what she is getting at.

But I only work for a fairly small company and as I am already a manager there is nowhere for me to move up to. Frankly, someone else would have to leave or quit. Given that I dont intend to stay for long, I don't think it would make sense to think up a new title creation as a ways of getting a promotion. It is the fact I have said 'not now' twice and she still pushes it. I think I feel I am being mothered or nagged!

OP posts:
user327253 · 21/07/2020 17:48

I honestly thought finances being a social taboo was really outdated? I'm cringing a bit at you being horrified she spoke about it 'in public' I would have zero qualms discussing salaries with close friends.

For me, saving for a deposit for a house was a bit all consuming, and I spent hours on Money Saving Expert and trying to work out how I could earn more, so that may be where this is coming from. It doesn't sound like she is being goady because she earns more from what you have said.

UnfinishedSymphon · 21/07/2020 17:49

I agree with you OP, DP and his family talk about money ALL THE TIME. His daughters were round at the weekend and we went to the pub and they didn't stop talking about money! We were informed how much everything they were wearing cost, how much they'd spent on DPs birthday even though he was right there, how much they and their partners earn - DP joined in on this one but I just gave him a look and he piped down. I hate anyone talking about money and it's no-one else's business what I earn. It's not a jealousy thing either, I just think it's a bit crass

EhUp · 21/07/2020 17:49

Talking about her earnings in such detail is a bit vulgar/ naff in my opinion. Nothing wrong with her saying she is looking for a better paid job but putting a figure on it is unnecessary.

YANBU.

Thepastdefinesus · 21/07/2020 17:50

I have a friend who always tells boasts about how much she earns. She works bloody hard and has done well for herself and I'm pleased she is well rewarded. However, I will never earn as much as her and I too find it uncomfortable talking so candidly about money and how much we/she earns. I just go along with what she has to say on the matter but keep my own earnings/income/outgoings/savings to myself.

YANBU

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 17:52

This isnt coming from jealousy. I wouldn't trade the life I have had for hers even if she has a bit more stability.

I come from a family that never talked about money. Seen as vulgar like you say. But as long as I am earning a decent amount and able to pursue my passions I am happy. I dont need to be told I need to be chasing that promotion all the time ffs.

I don't think it is just me as our other friend shuts down as well when she talks about her salary. I dont like discussing it.

OP posts:
CharityRoyall · 21/07/2020 17:53

My friends and I are all Labour voting socialist women in our late 20s and we talk about money and what we earn regularly. I don’t understand why it would make someone cringe? I think it’s important to talk about money, especially for women. Shame and stigma around earnings is what leads to companies being able to get away with shitty salaries.

TinySleepThief · 21/07/2020 17:53

So shes not allowed to talk about anything financial when yoi meet up even the prospect of buying a house? It honestly sounds like sour grapes. Literally every one of my friends and I would be happy to discuss money e.g wages, mortgages, promotions etc they are not taboo topics of conversation.

LemonTT · 21/07/2020 17:57

You sound smug. One of the worse types of vulgar

EmbarrassedUser · 21/07/2020 17:57

I don’t like talking about money to anyone other than DH. I hate talking about it in front of my lovely MIL because whenever we do she always gives us some and it makes us feel as though she thinks we’ve been hinting. It might just be the odd £20 but once it was £2000 😂

yellowsunset · 21/07/2020 17:57

You sound quite insecure. It's fine to be less ambitious but it's a "you" issue if you find money "vulgar".

LadyPrigsbottom · 21/07/2020 17:59

Some people say never to discuss money, but I always thought that didn't apply to close friends. But doing it loudly in public, I was always taught not to do. But I think it's quite old fashioned to frown upon any public talk of money tbh.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 18:02

As I've said I grew up in a family where it was absolutely taboo to discuss money.

My real concern is that we are starting to have different values. While I do care about money in terms of stability and enjoying life, I dont care about being rich.I think my friend wants to be rich because she comes from a rich family. Maybe I would be ok talking about finances every so often but not for every conversation topic sorry.

She has actually broke up with a guy (my friend) because he didnt earn enough after her parents told her to. Now he is actually a high flyer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 18:03

But I am interested to hear people think it is so bizarre to NOT talk about money. Obviously other people do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 18:07

@EhUp and @Thepastdefinesus that is basically how I feel, yep. When she goes on about the figures in detail it feels awkward not telling her what I earn (£3000 less than her) but I just dont want to divulge it. Bet she asks me.

OP posts:
LongPauseNoReply · 21/07/2020 18:10

It’s bringing up your own money stuff. I happily talk about money, I have on here lots of times. I’ve cleared all the unconscious crap I have about money that I got from my parents.

“Money is evil” “money doesn’t grow on trees” or the classic “I wonder who he scammed to get that fancy car” all this narrative around money gave me money issues. Once I cleared it out, it changed my relationship with money.

Kassandra1 · 21/07/2020 18:12

Hmm, I'm the same as you OP, always told not to talk about money and it was rude etc.

The thing that changed my mind was a quote on LinkedIN that said the only people that benefit from not discussing salaries are company owners/managers.

Now I get this is a slightly different situation as it doesn't sound like you work for the same company but your friend being confident enough to talk about money to ask for more from her employer and encourage her friends to do the same doesn't seem that negative to me?

Picklypickles · 21/07/2020 18:12

I wouldn't be happy with my friends loudly discussing my financial situation in public either, I don't need the whole world knowing my business thanks!

wildcherries · 21/07/2020 18:16

I think it’s important to talk about money, especially for women. Shame and stigma around earnings is what leads to companies being able to get away with shitty salaries.

Exactly. There's nothing cringey about it.