To feel uncomfortable when friend talks about money?

[Lizzie523]

I have been close friends with a woman for about 10 years. She is probably my closest friend of all. We have never talked about money in our friendship but over the last 6 months or so she frequently raised the topic. We are both in our late 20s and just starting to move towards more well paid jobs.

She decided she deserved a promotion, saying ('well I am only on this but I should get ££' - already way more than me btw and I am decently paid). Last time myself and another friend were with her we felt out of our depth. Both of us spent years travelling and working while she has saved a lot of money and is now thinking about getting a house and a mortgage.

Anyway I saw her the other day and she started talking loudly about money, in public again and I was cringing so much.

AIBU? She comes from a wealth family who puts money above everything but she never did. She votes Labour, says she is a socialist and I suppose going on about her capital was never a subject before. Her parents put a lot of pressure on her to be successful so it might be coming from that.

But what now bothers me is the last few times I've seen her she keeps pushing me to ask for a promotion and more money. Since when did this become such a hot topic? I dont know how to steer away from it but it is bothering me.

I accept that she is perhaps earning less than she should be in her sector and feels frustration about that.

But the fact is it has become THE topic of conversation every time I have seen her for the last 6 months. She seems very anxious and I reckon it is related to her parents expectations. A mutual friend recently told me that her parents are quite severe and that they lived in a huge house that was always immaculate. Mutual friend said she always felt the mother looked down on her, as she does with most people.

Look I love my friend to bits and I want her to be happy and successful in whatever way she measures that. But I wont be measuring my own life by her yardstick.

But I dont really like that she talks about how she is so unhappy on her current salary which is already higher than mine and I dont like her telling me to go for a promotion.

And

Look the point is my friend and I aren't comparable. She came from a well off family that taught her conserving money is more important than anything. My parents supported my ambitions in the arts even though it doesnt pay as well and I pursued it knowing full well that would be the case. I am content.

If you’re content, OP, then it shouldn’t matter if she’s unhappy with her salary, even if it was significantly higher than yours. Her displeasure with her salary isn’t a reflection on yours because you are different people in different markets with different ambitions. She may have multiple pay rises - she’s still allowed to strive for more and to want more. You don’t need to feel the same though, if you’re content then that’s absolutely fine. I have a friend who earns triple what I do and feels undervalued, fair enough.

You’re right about the promotion through, but you need to tell her straight. She thinks she’s being supportive, she’s not. She can’t know that unless you tell her.

You say you and your friend aren’t comparable because of your upbringing around money. You seem to keep bringing this back to values which I think might be a bit of a stretch and a shame if you’re reconsidering a 10 year friendship over something like money.

Just have a chat with her about it.

I had a friend who was obsessed with money. She introduced me to another friend of hers by saying "this is and her salary is £___. I was mortified but what mortified me most was that I had never told her my salary. I'm a teacher and she knew how many years I'd been teaching for so must have looked up the teacher's pay scale to find out what i earned!!

@rc22 I'm speechless. Who does that?

Your friend needs to back off.

She seems very invested in your career and salary, when really it's none of her business and she clearly doesn't understand where you are coming from in terms of your current position.

And personally I can't stand it when people talk about money in public - it's tactless and usually comes across as bragging.

Yanbu. And I dont think you sound envious at all. It's fine to mention it once or twice but to keep going on about it and trying to push things on to you is a little out of order.
And also agree talking about it loudly in public is cringe. This would go equally for females and males.

@rc22

I had a friend who was obsessed with money. She introduced me to another friend of hers by saying "this is__ and her salary is £_____. I was mortified but what mortified me most was that I had never told her my salary. I'm a teacher and she knew how many years I'd been teaching for so must have looked up the teacher's pay scale to find out what i earned!!

Bloody hell 😮! I bet your friend isn’t looking so bad now is she @Lizzie523?

When I think about it, you know what this is really about? Over the last year she has developed an 'I know better' attitude. I know better what you should be aiming for at your job.

Like during a video call with a friend recently, our friend got a new dog and she is training it. She was describing how she is training the dog and friend said 'oh no, you really don't train a dog like that, you train it like this' (she has never owned a dog). Other friend just went silent.

And it reminds me of my flipping mother, because she has always known better. With my mother I can accept it but not with my friend

Also failing to understand how being interested in houses your friend is considering is very rude :/

I also don't agree with you op.

I've got a friend who is very highly paid. Ambitious. Underpaid as female. I'm always interested to hear when she's going for new jobs or about how the blokes are on more etc etc. Because she's my friend. And yes those conversations involve money.

Based on your last update op I'd say your friend does measure status or "importance" based on salary. This explains her slightly patronising attitude to those beneath her (in terms of capital). Her success may have given her an inflated sense of her own importance. Hence thinking all her friends need her help and advice; and not sensing that it's not being well received.

I could be way off. This is merely based on the few paragraphs you've written

I feel some sympathy for her. Her upbringing has fucked her up a little I expect. You have to accept some character faults or foibles in friends I think.
She should be proud of her success in perhaps a more male dominated field (?) but she's focusing on how unhappy she is.

I don't think there is anything wrong with discussing money with close friends even if it's not something that you have discussed before, she's obviously bothered by it at the minute which is why she's bringing it up to you. I definitely wouldn't be talking about my salary to just anyone but close friends of course! And if you're such close friends shouldn't you be able to just say to her that you're getting a bit fed up her mentioning you pushing for a promotion? I'd rather my friends just tell me directly if it was me. She might not even realise she's annoying you.

I don't think it's odd to discuss money.

A friend at work is paid substantially more than me. Even if I worked the same hours as her she would earn double what I do. We are in different job roles but work very closely together. We have often spoken about money. She pushed me to request an increase in wages as I had gained more experience in my role. This was something she had recently successfully done. And her pushing me actually lead to an increase in my wages.

It's really annoying when you are underpaid for the work you do, so I don't blame her for saying it.

When I took my role at my job, I asked for what I thought was a decent amount. They said yes, and I was happy. I've since found out that I was paid less than the interns. I've since had a pay bump and then promotion (incl. pay rise) but because I unwittingly asked for a lower salary at the beginning, pay rises can only be a certain percentage of what you're already on. Basically I've been fucked over.

But I digress... I don't agree with your idea that talking about money is crass or vulgar. If we don't talk about it then we get left behind.

There is nothing wrong with discussing money - every now and again! Constantly talking about it and trying to push others into promotions, suggesting how much they should be earning etc is vulgar. Not everyone is obsessed with earning big bucks and it's certainly not how I judge success.

I work as an accountant and that makes me perhaps weirdly open about money, but I have lots of accountant friends so it doesn't seem out of place.

I am open about really almost everything though, politics, health, money, religion (or not!). Unfortunately all the things you aren't meant to talk about are some of the most interesting.

I don't want to boast about money but we were always short growing up so bring secure is important to me. Equally I've just chosen not to apply for a job with a £12k pay rise because I didn't think I would enjoy it, so I'm not exactly money motivated.

@SmileyClare I agree with what you have said.

I feel a lot of sympathy for her. I was never put under any pressure to earn a certain amount or be X much successful largely because my parents felt that pressure from their own parents and didnt want the same for me.

My friend has been told she must earn a certain amount and choose a partner accordingly. She hasnt even introduced her boyfriend of almost a year to her parents as she is worried he will fall short in their eyes.

Your friend does seem a little obsessed by salaries.

Considering how many women on here are likely to end up in poverty in our old age, more women need to discuss money.

The same friend re the house prices ("so how much is your house worth?") asks me outright how much my DP earns (and me of course) Its bonkers to me, just not how I've been brought up at all. None of my other friends would ever do this. Seems everyone is different though with this! Horses for courses I guess. I dont wish to know what others earn. No interest in it.

I don't blame her for not introducing her boyfriend of a year to her parents.
It sounds as though he'll be interrogated on his salary upon arrival and possibly asked to produce bank statements, a property portfolio and a 5 year plan.

It's probably made previous boyfriends run for the hills.

I think it's absolutely fine to talk about money in the context of supporting each other in the workplace, because there's still a real taboo round it, which means that women are less likely to ask for more, and less likely to get it.

BUT I suspect YANBU because it's all about how people talk about money. I have a relation who talks about how much they earn all the time in public and it's mortifyingly embarrassing because it's out of context - nobody wants to know, or cares, and it just comes across as boasting.

@WanderleyWagon Exactly this.

Haven't RTFT, but this jumped out at me from page 1: "as long as I am earning a decent amount and able to pursue my passions I am happy.".

Sounds to me you have got the work-life balance thing sorted. For YOU. Her work-life balance is different. Maybe that's a way to see it? Money is clearly REALLY important to her, and she may be frustrated that she thinks you are worth more than she thinks you are paid. Maybe you are; also, maybe you'll get paid more when you change jobs. But maybe your values are just a bit different. Hopefully you can appreciate your differences and still be friends.

Meh I talk to all my friends about money. Mostly about how I don't have it.

I would find it annoying, and boring, to be in the company of this type of person,one who is preoccupied with money and promotions etc.A one off chat about this is ok. but not all this on a regular basis.