To feel uncomfortable when friend talks about money?

[Lizzie523]

I have been close friends with a woman for about 10 years. She is probably my closest friend of all. We have never talked about money in our friendship but over the last 6 months or so she frequently raised the topic. We are both in our late 20s and just starting to move towards more well paid jobs.

She decided she deserved a promotion, saying ('well I am only on this but I should get ££' - already way more than me btw and I am decently paid). Last time myself and another friend were with her we felt out of our depth. Both of us spent years travelling and working while she has saved a lot of money and is now thinking about getting a house and a mortgage.

Anyway I saw her the other day and she started talking loudly about money, in public again and I was cringing so much.

AIBU? She comes from a wealth family who puts money above everything but she never did. She votes Labour, says she is a socialist and I suppose going on about her capital was never a subject before. Her parents put a lot of pressure on her to be successful so it might be coming from that.

But what now bothers me is the last few times I've seen her she keeps pushing me to ask for a promotion and more money. Since when did this become such a hot topic? I dont know how to steer away from it but it is bothering me.

@BigYellowFlower Well obviously. I cant stop someone snooping afterwards but I'm not going to be telling people if they ask. It's so rude. Couldnt even imagine asking people their salary or how much their budget for a house is!

What does ‘talking about money’ mean?

I don’t really get the secrecy around salaries so that wouldn’t bother me really.

Buying a house is a big deal. Again, I don’t see the need for secrecy as prices are public knowledge,

If her values are genuinely different then your friendship won’t last anyway.

It's a very personal topic.

But why is it? I don't understand at all! Do you think people's opinion of you would change if they knew how much money you had?

Personal topics that I wouldn't want to talk about in public - my sexual preferences (not whether I am gay or straight but in detail)...possibly any really gross medical details... although I wouldn't mind discussing either of those with good friends ...but not money. In actual fact I don't go on about money because I know other people don't like it but I do find it weird having to dance about the topic.

@gypsywater I really don't understand your attitude. I've always asked friends who are house hunting to send me links, because I've been excited for them and I love looking at houses, and I thought it was polite to show an interest. I honestly had no idea some might find this vulgar or rude. It's not like where you live is a bit secret after you've bought a house, without even looking up the easy to find sold prices, it's generally easy to guess an approximate value of a house. If you are worried about friends judging you on the value of your house I wonder about your whole attitude of friendship.

You might not like talking about money personally but that doesn't mean she is wrong to talk about money.

I'm perfectly comfortable talking about money and think it's weird that other people find the topic uncomfortable or vulgar.

Neither view is objectively right or wrong so YABU for judging your friend for having a different relationship to money than you do.

(IMO the idea of keeping money as being a vulgar thing to discuss also just helps employers where there is pay inequality).

Hmm. I think there are a couple of things here. Firstly, if you don’t want to talk about your salary or your money that’s fine. If you don’t want to chat about promotion or careers - cool. Tell her that, surely as a friend of 10 years you can.
But you’re being unreasonable to ask her not to talk about her aspirations / money if she wants to. So what if that’s important to her? She wants to share her thoughts with you and you can have a conversation without giving your own details.
Personally I don’t see what the big deal is for a lot of the reasons mentioned above but if you do, that’s fine.
One other point, you mention her mum and dad put a lot of pressure on her. Maybe she’s insecure and trying to chat it out? That can’t be easy for her.
Oh and You also say she earns £3k more than you. That’s not loads more!! I’d say £10k + is a lot more!

@user327253 Its cool. You dont have to understand it. Everyone is different.

Your friend is ambitious and there's nothing wrong with that. You sound less ambitious, and there's nothing wrong with that either. Neither of you are unreasonable but perhaps you aren't well matched as friends.

FYI, not talking about money/salaries only helps employers, not employees.

Maybe because she comes from money she feels she needs to 'prove' herself and that she is working for what she has rather than being handed it on a plate? If you feel uncomfortable why not just say that you don't want to talk about it?

For what's it's worth OP, £3k is a tiny salary gap between peers. There's nothing wrong with aspiring to earn more whatever your political beliefs. If you're a high earner you're paying more taxes, and you have security, freedom and you can support causes you believe in. Money buys the freedom to leave a job you hate or a bad partner and deal with life's blips.

I can understand not wanting to talk about it all the time though/ announce your salary. I'd tell your friend you're happy in your job and nod and smile when she talks about wanting a promotion and change the subject 🙂.

Cool, cool. Now I'll stop having open conversations with friends about house buying though for worry of offending them and I'll just die of shame forever more thinking of all the past interest I've shown and how many friends I may have upset. I'd be interested to know how common your opinion is.

@user327253 Eh?

I would find it boring if my friends kept talking to me about money. We talk about our work but dont sit comparing salaries. I'm a lot older though so I suppose we are all settled and happy with our achievements. I certainly wouldn't be telling my friend they needed to get a promotion, not my business.

I would just ask if you could talk about other things.

If she is really your friend, tell her you are uncomfortable about the whole money thing and see what happens next.

@TinyMetalBirds

It's a very personal topic.

But why is it? I don't understand at all! Do you think people's opinion of you would change if they knew how much money you had?

I agree. I think it is a cultural thing. You would be shocked at how openly people discuss money, salaries, how much they pay for houses etc in certain Asian cultures!

It is also an old-fashioned thing. There should be no secrecy about money. Why should there be? If we didn't have such a hush-hush culture towards personal money, perhaps more people would be willing to get help for debt and gambling issues.

Your reaction is far more cringeworthy tbh

So what if she talks about...money...in public

Women should be more comfortable asking for pay rises, men do it a lot more and it's part of the reason for the gender pay gap. More people should be like your friend, discussing it breaks down the taboo

I don’t agree it’s vulgar or rude. My friends and I openly discuss our salaries, house prices if we’re looking to buy etc. Maybe going on about it constantly is boring but I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong by mentioning it. If anything I think the “it’s vulgar” attitude is bizarre and needs to die out

Sounds boring as fuck more than anything. Money: zzzzzz

Time to start blathering about the bangin' orgasms you've been having with your new 12 inch dildo

It depends what less ambitious means @StatementKnickers. Perhaps I am in terms of my job, but that is only because I know I cant have it all.

I want to be successful in what I do in the arts, which probably means i will always be a bit less well paid in my day job. I dont want to go into details but I have support from others in the industry and have started to do quite well. Out of my full time hours I dedicate my time to this but I already find that so tiring.

I also earn some money as a performer. I was interviewing a woman in this country who has 'made it'/is well known and when i told her I work full time at a mentally taxing job she said she knew she couldnt do that and be successful in what she does.

My friend works in science and has no other particular hobby she is passionate about. So that is her focus. She has chosen well as it is a well paid industry and I'm proud of her for pushing for promotions. But to her parents money trumps all else. She wanted my friend to stay with her ex because he was rich but he treated her horribly. I just worry she is subconsciously becoming like them, where money trumps all. Money is important, of course it is. But it doesnt trump all else.

Personally I don't understand why you would talk about money unless you're struggling. Although if a friend got a promotion I would be super happy for them. Lots of my friends are teachers, social workers, council workers so we know how much we all earn, but I've got a few self employed friends who are struggling and I'm always on the lookout for things to help them. Your friend does sound a bit boasty, but maybe she does mean well. Just say you don't like talking about money and in any case you're looking for a new job. What's the problem? If you like your friend be a friend, and talk to her, if not don't.

Why was it “taboo” to talk about money in your family? I find it strange to I have a “best friend” who you can’t talk to honestly about everything. I know roughly what my friends earn, how much our mortgages were etc. We talk about everything else why not money,

I don't know why it was taboo to talk about money in my family. I remember relatives asking my mum what she earned a couple of times and her flat out refusing to say. I also knew she earned more than them.

And then there is the really well off side of the family. They never mentioned money. No it just wasnt ever talked about.

@Lizzie523

I have never talked about money with any friend. She already earns more than anyone our age would earn and more than me. So it is said in the context of 'well I dont earn enough' when she already earns a lot for her age. I feel like saying and I earn a pittance do I? I always felt we were on equal footing as friends but this is coming up every time I see her.

Because it is my life and up to me what to do with it. I am aiming to leave my current job in the next 6-9 months if I can so I dont really want to go for a promotion. And I wouldnt dream of saying to a friend 'you should really go for a promotion...'. What's it got to do with her?

And it is her life and it is up to her what she does with it.. She is clearly ambitious and focused on getting that pay rise. Who better to talk about it with than her best friend. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Also encouraging you to do just as well as her is showing that she is not above you.

As quite a poor person I do think it's a bit crass to bring money into a conversation with friends. There are exceptions (discussing house prices, telling your friends how much you paid for a new top or whatever.)

It's insensitive when:
-The person yapping about money clearly thinks having money makes them more important
-the person is showing off about their perceived status (in relation to £)
-they are talking to someone with money difficulties or a fuck ton of debt
-they measure potential love interests on salary..and reject accordingly.

It's a shame your friend has started morphing into her parents op. I think you need to steer the conversation away from money and politics (as she's probably Tory now)